We are being induced Wednesday night / Thursday morning... we are in the final three days. :O
Does it feel real yet? It doesn't for me! Today is my final appointment/cervical check/ NST. Depending on how that goes, we are scheduled for Wednesday night, as long as the hospital has room. My OB wants to get the dilation started that night, so that we deliver Thursday. She thinks it's going to take a while to get things moving, so we'll see... I'm not so sure. I am EXTREMELY sensitive to meds, so I have a feeling it won't take that long. But of course, I'm not the doctor.
I was thinking this baby was coming on her own Saturday. After our appointment friday I started losing my mucus plug, pretty sure it's almost completely gone. And I was having a lot of pressure. It mostly stopped yesterday/today. I am concerned she is so big/wrapped in her cord that it's going to complicate things. But I have faith in my hospital and doctor to get her through delivery safely.
Now we just need to get her alive until Thursday. I know that sounds crazy to have anxiety about that, but I also know with a GD diagnosis my placenta is going to deteriorate rather quickly as we get around that 40 week mark, she is getting bigger, and there are still things that can go wrong. So, praying we make it through the next two days calmly and stress free. We are still counting kicks. She was so crazy last night that today she's pretty quiet. So I'm glad we're going for the NST.
I will update after my appointment today if anything changes, and if not, then after we go through this crazy labor experience...
Also, work is insane. I am feeling very nervous about leaving, and having them think I am not important enough to bring back. I know that's not going to happen, but I am still nervous. That's normal I think. So when I get back in november I'm going to have to really knock it out of the park. And hope that nothing comes up while I'm out that is really, really horrible.
Sigh. So much on my mind. Come on, Wednesday. I'm taking the day off so I'll go get our carseat fitted properly and any last minute things done at the house. And rest in preparation. Am I nervous? for me and the baby, yes. For labor? a little. Mostly excited we made it, and that excitement is drowning out the fear for now.
-Em
Monday, August 22, 2016
Thursday, August 18, 2016
Something...?
So, last night I had a lot of rib/upper stomach pain, and upper back pain. It almost felt like a tightening/contraction. I read that could be a sign of Pre-E. I am debating calling the doctor today, but I have an appointment with her tomorrow, and no more of that type of pain.
Instead, I am not having EXTREME discomfort in my hips and pelvis. It almost feels like the baby is jackhammering down on my cervix, if that makes any sense. It comes and goes, and it's not really a contraction. I am hoping maybe she's dropping?
Still might call the OB. I know I was going to "call no matter what" this week, but as long as I feel baby moving, we are so close to our appointment, and talking to the OB practice on the phone is kind of just infuriating (I need a new OB next time I think, very uncomfortable still).
Anyways, my point is, hopefully this baby is dropping into my hips a bit, and we are getting closer to labor... Maybe?! Agggh
-Em
Instead, I am not having EXTREME discomfort in my hips and pelvis. It almost feels like the baby is jackhammering down on my cervix, if that makes any sense. It comes and goes, and it's not really a contraction. I am hoping maybe she's dropping?
Still might call the OB. I know I was going to "call no matter what" this week, but as long as I feel baby moving, we are so close to our appointment, and talking to the OB practice on the phone is kind of just infuriating (I need a new OB next time I think, very uncomfortable still).
Anyways, my point is, hopefully this baby is dropping into my hips a bit, and we are getting closer to labor... Maybe?! Agggh
-Em
Wednesday, August 17, 2016
Lazy Posting
I just read the title of my blog again. "Surviving a subchorionic hematoma."
Surviving.
That is what I have been doing for over a year now. Just... surviving. I haven't been living. I haven't been fully and truly living and enjoying my life. I've been so scared, cowering from the fear of pain, loss, grief. The fear that we're going to go through another cataclysmic event. I am surviving.
And surviving--that is important. Probably just as important as living, because no one goes from pure, earth-shaking, heart-wrenching grief to fully living. The surviving is the middle stage. I needed to learn how to survive again, because there were times where I wasn't sure how I could. And even now, with life turning around for us a bit, and a healthy baby kicking my ribs, the thought of LIVING seems like a far-off, distant possibility.
But I see it again. I see it in my future... there is a little light shining ahead of me, glowing in the distance, almost within my grasp. A light where dreams come true, hard work pays off, and happiness can be found. My fear is still muting it. Trust me, I'm terrified. And I don't know if I'll be able to breathe easily until I hear my daughter screaming, and find out she's healthy. I know that I've got at least another week left before I am able to start moving towards that light of living.
Do I regret getting pregnant so quickly after my loss? In some ways, I feel like she got robbed. In some ways, I wish we had waited a little longer to allow the healing to have gotten further along. But, could we have fully healed not knowing if we could do the one thing we want most? Complete our family? I honestly don't know. Waiting could have prolonged the suffering even more.
But here we are, on the dawn of a new chapter. In so many ways. I just got a promotion at work, I can finally believe and trust that things might be okay financially. We can afford a new roof once I pay off some debt, in a few months I'll be able to start fixing stuff around the house that have been put on hold (rock beds, de-weeding, fence mending, power washing, getting into the attic, painting...)
These are all little glimmers of hope. Of light. Of a future I can believe in again. Did this baby suffer? I don't think so. She certainly won't when she's here. My fear has not kept either of us from bonding with her. If anything, we are too attached, and I am more scared of that than anything else. She is probably the most loved child on the planet right now (yea, yea, you think your baby is, you are wrong ;) ). So did she suffer for it? No. Will she? No. She is part of my glimmer of light.
And even if something happens... at least I can know that through the darkness and from the ashes I can rise yet again. We are all able to be reborn. So we learned from childhood Sunday school, and so we experience over and over again. And while I'm just a little fledgling, I am starting to believe that life is good again. It's hard, and sad, and scary, and bad stuff happens. Yes, it does. But it doesn't ALWAYS have to be bad.
So, give me a few more days of "survival", and then, we'll move into the living portion, where I start pulling back the shades and dipping my toe into the pool of life again. That's the hope, that's what I pray for, and that's what we're working towards. While I have no control of anything, that's where I'm at right now. It's the only way I can accept the past 16 months.
Baby update - no real contractions, no more braxton hicks, no mucus plug, baby in my ribs. No real progress. guessing no more dilation (we were at 1 cm for two weeks). While this doesn't mean jack, it also definitely doesn't mean I am in labor, and that's what we're aiming for!
Next appointment is friday, where I will be asking to schedule an induction / c-section. Physically, I feel wonderful! Hips are alright, sleeping not great, but sleeping, I am hot and sweaty and smell bad, and I officially can't eat dairy anymore because it tastes horribly disgusting. But mentally? Mentally, i am exhausted. Mentally, I am drained. Mentally there isn't much left. Work is sucking up the majority of the stamina I have left, and baby stuff... don't even get me started. The waiting. The watching. The not knowing. My brain is just about at the end of its rope. So yea, while I could go two more weeks physically, I am pretty much burnt out emotionally, and that's a scary place to be. So I should have more information for the blog after my appointment Friday. Last Wednesday we were "1 and a wiggle cm" dilated, cervix long and firm, but coming 'forward'. BP was 130/80 (creeping up). My hands are numb and tingly and puffy from carpal tunnel, my feet are like sausages, but the baby isn't showing any signs of being ready. I am frustrated and upset at my doctor (probably mostly hormonal, because logically I know why my baby isn't here in my arms yet, wiggling around. but emotionally, I am so mad that she's not after months of hearing we'd go early).
Yea... it's a weird place to be. A true holding pattern. Like the planes that land in London, circling around the river Thames, watching the Eye spin around, and cars attempt to get through gridlock, and Big Ben standing proud over his city. I'm just up here watching, waiting, and praying. Hoping for the best, and looking forward to the future. Finally, a future with light I can see.
-Em
Surviving.
That is what I have been doing for over a year now. Just... surviving. I haven't been living. I haven't been fully and truly living and enjoying my life. I've been so scared, cowering from the fear of pain, loss, grief. The fear that we're going to go through another cataclysmic event. I am surviving.
And surviving--that is important. Probably just as important as living, because no one goes from pure, earth-shaking, heart-wrenching grief to fully living. The surviving is the middle stage. I needed to learn how to survive again, because there were times where I wasn't sure how I could. And even now, with life turning around for us a bit, and a healthy baby kicking my ribs, the thought of LIVING seems like a far-off, distant possibility.
But I see it again. I see it in my future... there is a little light shining ahead of me, glowing in the distance, almost within my grasp. A light where dreams come true, hard work pays off, and happiness can be found. My fear is still muting it. Trust me, I'm terrified. And I don't know if I'll be able to breathe easily until I hear my daughter screaming, and find out she's healthy. I know that I've got at least another week left before I am able to start moving towards that light of living.
Do I regret getting pregnant so quickly after my loss? In some ways, I feel like she got robbed. In some ways, I wish we had waited a little longer to allow the healing to have gotten further along. But, could we have fully healed not knowing if we could do the one thing we want most? Complete our family? I honestly don't know. Waiting could have prolonged the suffering even more.
But here we are, on the dawn of a new chapter. In so many ways. I just got a promotion at work, I can finally believe and trust that things might be okay financially. We can afford a new roof once I pay off some debt, in a few months I'll be able to start fixing stuff around the house that have been put on hold (rock beds, de-weeding, fence mending, power washing, getting into the attic, painting...)
These are all little glimmers of hope. Of light. Of a future I can believe in again. Did this baby suffer? I don't think so. She certainly won't when she's here. My fear has not kept either of us from bonding with her. If anything, we are too attached, and I am more scared of that than anything else. She is probably the most loved child on the planet right now (yea, yea, you think your baby is, you are wrong ;) ). So did she suffer for it? No. Will she? No. She is part of my glimmer of light.
And even if something happens... at least I can know that through the darkness and from the ashes I can rise yet again. We are all able to be reborn. So we learned from childhood Sunday school, and so we experience over and over again. And while I'm just a little fledgling, I am starting to believe that life is good again. It's hard, and sad, and scary, and bad stuff happens. Yes, it does. But it doesn't ALWAYS have to be bad.
So, give me a few more days of "survival", and then, we'll move into the living portion, where I start pulling back the shades and dipping my toe into the pool of life again. That's the hope, that's what I pray for, and that's what we're working towards. While I have no control of anything, that's where I'm at right now. It's the only way I can accept the past 16 months.
Baby update - no real contractions, no more braxton hicks, no mucus plug, baby in my ribs. No real progress. guessing no more dilation (we were at 1 cm for two weeks). While this doesn't mean jack, it also definitely doesn't mean I am in labor, and that's what we're aiming for!
Next appointment is friday, where I will be asking to schedule an induction / c-section. Physically, I feel wonderful! Hips are alright, sleeping not great, but sleeping, I am hot and sweaty and smell bad, and I officially can't eat dairy anymore because it tastes horribly disgusting. But mentally? Mentally, i am exhausted. Mentally, I am drained. Mentally there isn't much left. Work is sucking up the majority of the stamina I have left, and baby stuff... don't even get me started. The waiting. The watching. The not knowing. My brain is just about at the end of its rope. So yea, while I could go two more weeks physically, I am pretty much burnt out emotionally, and that's a scary place to be. So I should have more information for the blog after my appointment Friday. Last Wednesday we were "1 and a wiggle cm" dilated, cervix long and firm, but coming 'forward'. BP was 130/80 (creeping up). My hands are numb and tingly and puffy from carpal tunnel, my feet are like sausages, but the baby isn't showing any signs of being ready. I am frustrated and upset at my doctor (probably mostly hormonal, because logically I know why my baby isn't here in my arms yet, wiggling around. but emotionally, I am so mad that she's not after months of hearing we'd go early).
Yea... it's a weird place to be. A true holding pattern. Like the planes that land in London, circling around the river Thames, watching the Eye spin around, and cars attempt to get through gridlock, and Big Ben standing proud over his city. I'm just up here watching, waiting, and praying. Hoping for the best, and looking forward to the future. Finally, a future with light I can see.
-Em
Friday, August 5, 2016
Friday Morning Musings - Come On Baby....
Alright, so it's been a while since a real update. Here's where we're at:
1.5cm dialated
Baby weighing in at 7lbs 3oz
Glucose levels hovering between 74-130 (Yay!) (But eating more to try to keep them above 90, so ... might be gaining more weight?)
Might be losing some of my mucus plug, but not confirmed
So at the last doctor appointment I was told - basically - that because of my obesity, we are screwed either way. Hear me out. The baby's head and bones are all slowing down and measuring correctly 37 weeks. However, her abdomen is measuring 40 weeks. Which puts us at risk for shoulder displasia if she comes vaginally and is too big (i.e. 39/40 weeks). If she comes early (this week or next) we might be okay, as my doctor thinks my body could handle a 7 or 8 lb baby.
However, if she doesn't come early, we will have to do a c-section. But, because of my excessive amounts of fat, I am at risk for "wound breakdown". Yes, something new to worry about. Basically, the weight keeps the stitches from healing properly and the wound breaks down. Which could require debridement. And honestly? I'm scared it could permanently ruin my uterus. I could be barren at 28 because I'm fat.
Doctor also told us that if she comes now, she should be okay size-wise and functionally good. So in my head, this means "okay baby, time to come." I'm praying she makes her appearance within the next 10 days. Preventing a c-section, and preventing shoulder displasia. Which, by the way, can result in broken collar bone or PARALYSIS.
After hearing these possibilities, I am pretty heartbroken. My poor life choices have resulted in me or my baby being hurt, me being infertile, or even more complications. I know I worked very hard on the diabetes meal plan, but I do wish I could try again and be even better so it never got this bad. I was very good, but not perfect. I know that. And I'm mortified. What I do know is that I will never, ever, ever be this heavy again, and I will never go through pregnancy this heavy again. And I will also start weaning myself off of caffeine and fake sugars and try to live as healthily as possible and also up my workout schedule. This is going to require a life change. And also a life change for my baby's sake so she never has this issue either.
I'm just... sad. Sad that there is a tiny human in me who we can't get out without danger unless she decides to come on her own, and let's be honest, what first time baby comes 3 weeks early when they're all snug and cozy in there? I am very concerned.
Not to mention, work has been insane. I'm training my temporary replacement, which has proven to be more of a challenge than I like to admit. There is some sense of control I dislike letting go. But more than that, she is very grabby, and also not very thorough. So I am seeing mistakes and worried about leaving. I know it will all work out, but I was hoping for a smoother transition. There are also questions about my job, which I believe will result in a positive outcome, but for the time being it is disconcerting and worrying and stressful. I was hoping these last few weeks would be calm and a time to wrap up. Instead, I'm just being bombarded with new challanges, and by Friday I want to curl into a ball and sleep/cry.
The thing they don't HONESTLY tell you about working full time and pregnancy? Your brain just doesn't work the same. Your body is physically exhausted. And you just. don't. care. Like, you want to, and you try your hardest, but the only thing that matters is your tiny baby in your tummy. And how can anything matter more than that ever? It's been difficult. I care so deeply about my job, my team, my performance, our products.... and it's weird walking away from it for 3 months, and handing over all of my responsibilites to someone. Which is very scary. What if she is better than me? What if they find my position unnecessary? What if they find mistakes while I'm out and fire me? All of these things are anxiety speaking, and I'm sure once baby gets here they'll hardly matter, but it's making my last month of work very stressful.
Not to mention, I still have THREE WEEKS LEFT. I don't know how that is even possible. My best friend is pregnant and she is already 1/2 way through her pregnancy. How do I still have almost a month left? There are only nine months in this process, and the last one truly does take an eternity. Having anxiety, fear, and exhaustion, oh and being obese and terrified of the outcome -- those all play into it, I am sure.
Sorry, I had this beautiful, bright sunny mentality last week, and this week it's like I can't even force myself to get out of bed. My brain is full, my heart is heavy, and i'm thinking this is post-partum kicking in early. My doctor is already aware, and we will address that with medication.
I just want that happiness back. But between work, health, fat, finances, husband, I am distracted and worried and not a damn thing seems to be helping, because once I tackle one demon, another pops up.
I guess that is life, and we have to learn to get through it together. I will console myself by going to the tax free weekend sale at Once Upon a Child and getting some cute baby items and telling myself that no matter what happens to me, this baby is my number 1 priority and her health is all that matters.
Now, to roll around on my exercise ball, drink Red Raspberry Leaf Tea, and eat pineapples. Oh and walk. Come on baby, be ready. We're so ready for you.
Em
1.5cm dialated
Baby weighing in at 7lbs 3oz
Glucose levels hovering between 74-130 (Yay!) (But eating more to try to keep them above 90, so ... might be gaining more weight?)
Might be losing some of my mucus plug, but not confirmed
So at the last doctor appointment I was told - basically - that because of my obesity, we are screwed either way. Hear me out. The baby's head and bones are all slowing down and measuring correctly 37 weeks. However, her abdomen is measuring 40 weeks. Which puts us at risk for shoulder displasia if she comes vaginally and is too big (i.e. 39/40 weeks). If she comes early (this week or next) we might be okay, as my doctor thinks my body could handle a 7 or 8 lb baby.
However, if she doesn't come early, we will have to do a c-section. But, because of my excessive amounts of fat, I am at risk for "wound breakdown". Yes, something new to worry about. Basically, the weight keeps the stitches from healing properly and the wound breaks down. Which could require debridement. And honestly? I'm scared it could permanently ruin my uterus. I could be barren at 28 because I'm fat.
Doctor also told us that if she comes now, she should be okay size-wise and functionally good. So in my head, this means "okay baby, time to come." I'm praying she makes her appearance within the next 10 days. Preventing a c-section, and preventing shoulder displasia. Which, by the way, can result in broken collar bone or PARALYSIS.
After hearing these possibilities, I am pretty heartbroken. My poor life choices have resulted in me or my baby being hurt, me being infertile, or even more complications. I know I worked very hard on the diabetes meal plan, but I do wish I could try again and be even better so it never got this bad. I was very good, but not perfect. I know that. And I'm mortified. What I do know is that I will never, ever, ever be this heavy again, and I will never go through pregnancy this heavy again. And I will also start weaning myself off of caffeine and fake sugars and try to live as healthily as possible and also up my workout schedule. This is going to require a life change. And also a life change for my baby's sake so she never has this issue either.
I'm just... sad. Sad that there is a tiny human in me who we can't get out without danger unless she decides to come on her own, and let's be honest, what first time baby comes 3 weeks early when they're all snug and cozy in there? I am very concerned.
Not to mention, work has been insane. I'm training my temporary replacement, which has proven to be more of a challenge than I like to admit. There is some sense of control I dislike letting go. But more than that, she is very grabby, and also not very thorough. So I am seeing mistakes and worried about leaving. I know it will all work out, but I was hoping for a smoother transition. There are also questions about my job, which I believe will result in a positive outcome, but for the time being it is disconcerting and worrying and stressful. I was hoping these last few weeks would be calm and a time to wrap up. Instead, I'm just being bombarded with new challanges, and by Friday I want to curl into a ball and sleep/cry.
The thing they don't HONESTLY tell you about working full time and pregnancy? Your brain just doesn't work the same. Your body is physically exhausted. And you just. don't. care. Like, you want to, and you try your hardest, but the only thing that matters is your tiny baby in your tummy. And how can anything matter more than that ever? It's been difficult. I care so deeply about my job, my team, my performance, our products.... and it's weird walking away from it for 3 months, and handing over all of my responsibilites to someone. Which is very scary. What if she is better than me? What if they find my position unnecessary? What if they find mistakes while I'm out and fire me? All of these things are anxiety speaking, and I'm sure once baby gets here they'll hardly matter, but it's making my last month of work very stressful.
Not to mention, I still have THREE WEEKS LEFT. I don't know how that is even possible. My best friend is pregnant and she is already 1/2 way through her pregnancy. How do I still have almost a month left? There are only nine months in this process, and the last one truly does take an eternity. Having anxiety, fear, and exhaustion, oh and being obese and terrified of the outcome -- those all play into it, I am sure.
Sorry, I had this beautiful, bright sunny mentality last week, and this week it's like I can't even force myself to get out of bed. My brain is full, my heart is heavy, and i'm thinking this is post-partum kicking in early. My doctor is already aware, and we will address that with medication.
I just want that happiness back. But between work, health, fat, finances, husband, I am distracted and worried and not a damn thing seems to be helping, because once I tackle one demon, another pops up.
I guess that is life, and we have to learn to get through it together. I will console myself by going to the tax free weekend sale at Once Upon a Child and getting some cute baby items and telling myself that no matter what happens to me, this baby is my number 1 priority and her health is all that matters.
Now, to roll around on my exercise ball, drink Red Raspberry Leaf Tea, and eat pineapples. Oh and walk. Come on baby, be ready. We're so ready for you.
Em
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