The pressure/pain is so bad today that I'm debating calling my doctor.
I don't think it's labor, but holy crap, I am distracted by this. I seriously think she is trying to push her way out. My hips are just... sore. And right below my belly and above my pubic bone is a very uncomfortable feeling- - almost like someone is tugging downwards.
These are not the same symptoms as when I had my miscarriage, but they are alarming and I'm a little freaked out. When I sit with my feet up it goes away slightly. So I think it's just from standing walking.
Cannot wait for my appointment on Wednesday of next week. I need her to tell me this is okay.
Tuesday, April 26, 2016
Monday, April 25, 2016
Antibacterials.
Flagyl is available as a generic termed metronidazole. Common side effects for Flagyl, Flagyl ER and Flagyl Injection include nausea, abdominal cramps, stomach upset, vomiting, diarrhea, constipation, headache, weight loss (anorexia), dizziness, or a metallic taste in the mouth.
-Wikipedia
Hello, welcome to my life for the past week!
The green mucus discharge came back, and while my OB prescribed flagyl, we hoped it'd go away before I had to take it. Well, it didn't. So I started the round of anti-bacterials again. It's not fun. The metallic taste is almost the worst side effect, but I mean, they're all not really pleasant. And the constant stomach pain makes me think I'm miscarrying.
Thank God for modern medicine--only a few years ago an infection could cause not only a loss, but a death for the mother. So yay for that! I won't complain too much. But I am so ready to be done with the Flagyl. And I'm SO READY to be closer to 30 weeks so I feel safer about baby if anything happens.
Anywho, aside from the above side effects, I also think (after talking with my doctor and doing some reading) that I have Pelvic Girdle Pain. I can barely lift my legs in bed. Rolling over is a struggle, and by the end of the day it hurts to stand. I tried walking, thinking I was just stiff, but it seems to make it worse. I just need to get to May 25th so pools open and I can swim. it's one of the few physical activities that doesn't hurt the hips, so come on summer, let's get these pools rolling! :)
Let's see, what else. I think I am feeling some movement, but nothing externally yet. I am hoping by 28 weeks my husband will be able to feel something. Again, it could just be gas from the Flagyl. But I'm pretty sure it's the baby. not much today, but she was pretty active yesterday, so I am thinking she's just tired today.
Work -
My brain is so foggy, you guys. I can hardly keep anything straight. even with crazy detailed notes. It is getting harder and harder to keep up, and we're extraordinarily busy right now. I also am struggling with caring. I know that's horrible. But I have a meeting today that is going to require some finesse and creative thinking to avoid pitfalls, and I just don't have the energy. I don't know how we're going to make it through four more months. Trust me, I want her to stay in there nice and healthy, but I'm going to really need some kind of help with mental clarity to make it through.
I'm also exhausted again.
Rolling my eyes so hard at myself. I am happy, trust me. I am overjoyed that things seem okay. But I'm logging this stuff because it helps to know what's going on for the future.
anyways, gonna try to get organized for the week. I love my baby so much, so I'll do whatever it takes to keep her safe.
-Emily
Monday, April 18, 2016
Monday Morning Check-In / "Get off my pelvis, baby"
OMG this child is riding so low. I have some days of relief, but others I swear she is just going to tunnel her way out. I hope that as she gets bigger she grows upward and not just out!
The pressure is down low, just above my pubic bone. I tried laying with my legs up on the wall and that helped, but didn't seem to motivate her to move! :)
This morning I was having some of my bad thoughts, so I used the doppler to make sure she was okay. Found her right away. Over the weekend I used the last piece of toilet paper on the roll, and I don't know if you've ever done that, but the dye in the glue they use is pink, so I thought I was spotting. It was HORRIFYING. But I figured it out, and then relaxed and everything was okay. Although I do feel like I overdid it this weekend, so I tried to just take it easy and relax as much as possible. I will not walk today, because I think I need a little break.
I also had my first meeting with a new therapist this weekend. I think she stirred up some emotions, because I was a weepy mess the rest of the weekend, but it's a healing process. And I'm glad we're starting it. She is the first counselor to tell me that she thinks I'm smart and capable of doing what I want. And this morning I woke up with a new plan in my mind - getting my MBA in International management. I've toyed with the idea before, but it really nicely guides my career towards an international focus, and I think Ican do it now. I really think I can. So that's going on my longterm bucket list, and I need to figure out if they make scholarships for graduate students.
Anywho, I don't know. She's great, and we're going to deal with my anxiety first. She suggested doing the adult coloring books, and I tried one this weekend while I was feeling panicky and it did help. So I'm going to keep doing it. She recommended doing it at work when I'm on calls, or starting to feel very overwhelmed. SO I brought in one page and some pencils today as an "emergency coloring station".
She also said that I've gone through a lot in the last year, and it all adds up and I need to let it go. I love her, she is going to be amazing, and we are going to accomplish so much. This fearful, quiet, sour Emily is not who I am. I know there is a strong, ambitious, confident, even cocky Emily in there. I need to send down a rope ladder and help her climb out of the darkness.
Also - in case you are wondering, I will not be getting back on any SSRIs until after delivery. Apparently it can cause colicy babies, and also something called "floppy baby syndrom" where they are not motivated to breathe and we'd have to have NICU on stand by. So we're going to try to cope with the mounting anxiety with counseling, and if I start getting panic attacks again it's an option to go back on the meds, but I think I'll be okay.
Some other symptoms this week -
Okkaaay I guess that's it for today. Some exciting things -
I ordered Orgain powder (organic protein supplement) in a big cannister so I can start drinking that regularly and cut out the synthetic stuff from Slim Fast (the protein drinks help a lot. If I don't have enough protein I get pretty nauseous). I also ordered BioOil to try on my tummy stretch marks, and I got a new dress from LuLaRoe that should be arriving today, and I can't wait to see if it fits.
Alright, now that's it!
-Emily
The pressure is down low, just above my pubic bone. I tried laying with my legs up on the wall and that helped, but didn't seem to motivate her to move! :)
This morning I was having some of my bad thoughts, so I used the doppler to make sure she was okay. Found her right away. Over the weekend I used the last piece of toilet paper on the roll, and I don't know if you've ever done that, but the dye in the glue they use is pink, so I thought I was spotting. It was HORRIFYING. But I figured it out, and then relaxed and everything was okay. Although I do feel like I overdid it this weekend, so I tried to just take it easy and relax as much as possible. I will not walk today, because I think I need a little break.
I also had my first meeting with a new therapist this weekend. I think she stirred up some emotions, because I was a weepy mess the rest of the weekend, but it's a healing process. And I'm glad we're starting it. She is the first counselor to tell me that she thinks I'm smart and capable of doing what I want. And this morning I woke up with a new plan in my mind - getting my MBA in International management. I've toyed with the idea before, but it really nicely guides my career towards an international focus, and I think Ican do it now. I really think I can. So that's going on my longterm bucket list, and I need to figure out if they make scholarships for graduate students.
Anywho, I don't know. She's great, and we're going to deal with my anxiety first. She suggested doing the adult coloring books, and I tried one this weekend while I was feeling panicky and it did help. So I'm going to keep doing it. She recommended doing it at work when I'm on calls, or starting to feel very overwhelmed. SO I brought in one page and some pencils today as an "emergency coloring station".
She also said that I've gone through a lot in the last year, and it all adds up and I need to let it go. I love her, she is going to be amazing, and we are going to accomplish so much. This fearful, quiet, sour Emily is not who I am. I know there is a strong, ambitious, confident, even cocky Emily in there. I need to send down a rope ladder and help her climb out of the darkness.
Also - in case you are wondering, I will not be getting back on any SSRIs until after delivery. Apparently it can cause colicy babies, and also something called "floppy baby syndrom" where they are not motivated to breathe and we'd have to have NICU on stand by. So we're going to try to cope with the mounting anxiety with counseling, and if I start getting panic attacks again it's an option to go back on the meds, but I think I'll be okay.
Some other symptoms this week -
- My nipples are turning lighter... which is so weird... And hopefully okay....
- The little things on them that produce oil are appearing to be producing oil? I need to see if that's possible this early.
- Veins on my belly are popping up, which I looked into and it's not vericose veins, it's just that everything gets smooshed to the surface.
- I am extremely irritable with everything.
- I finished watching The Office (9 seasons!) and had a massive cry fest because I felt like I was losing my best friends.
- One of my best friends is pregnant, and I am overjoyed to share in the experience with someone, but scared that she is going to have a healthy pregnancy and I'll lose the baby again (she was pregnant when I was last time). So I am grappling with that paradox.
- I still don't really have a "baby bump" -- I know I am plus size, but even the heaviest girls on my boards are quite large now. I am hoping it's just that my body has tight riding muscles and it's my first that's keeping everything so compact (especially with a big girl in there), but I do worry.
- I Passed my diabetes test! I should have probably led with that! I passed the three hour screening! I am still going to treat it as if I am diabetic, because doing so helped me lose TWO LBS in a week. I am actually down to 298, which is still below where I really started in this process. Insanity. But yea, not diabetic, hooray!
- I am so forgetful. "baby brain" is very real, and very constant. In fact, I thinkI might have already posted about the diabetes...
- See above bullet, but working is very hard. I'm extremely tired, irritable, and forgetful. I don't know how I'm going to make it 4 more months. Just trying my best. I see why so many women don't come back, though. I feel like the mornings are a battle of me versus work right now. I just could sleep for hours.
Okkaaay I guess that's it for today. Some exciting things -
I ordered Orgain powder (organic protein supplement) in a big cannister so I can start drinking that regularly and cut out the synthetic stuff from Slim Fast (the protein drinks help a lot. If I don't have enough protein I get pretty nauseous). I also ordered BioOil to try on my tummy stretch marks, and I got a new dress from LuLaRoe that should be arriving today, and I can't wait to see if it fits.
Alright, now that's it!
-Emily
Wednesday, April 13, 2016
Sugar
So I officially failed my hour glucose screen, the goal is under 140, and my score was 150. So today I went back and did the three hour glucose test to see if I have gestational diabetes.
If you can avoid this, I recommend doing so at all costs. It involved four blood draws (and one failed poke, so five total). The first hour and a half I thought I was going to pass out and really thought I was going to throw up and I fought through it because I did NOT want to start over again. By hour two, I felt great! like my body had kicked into gear and was processing the sugar.
All in all, I say it's not as bad as I thought it would be, but also not a barrel of laughs. So if you can eat healthy and avoid failing your hour screening, do it. Because this sucks.
That being said, for the past two days I've been following the diabetic guidelines for eating, and I actually lost two lbs! Down to 297. So I think, regardless of the results, I am going to try to stick with this method of eating and know that I am prone to it (my mother and aunt both have diabetes). I don't want to test my sugars all day, but having counseling and strict guidelines would help me, I think. So while I'm not wishing for a positive by any means, at least some good will come out of this.
Some other weird stuff, the green goo came back ,and then disappeared again. My doctor prescribed more flagyl, but I am waiting to take it to see if it returns. My rash comes and goes, but it's gone right now. And it is an incredibly GORGEOUS day here, 61 degrees and sunny, so I'm going to get out for a walk tonight. The baby has moved up off my pelvis (I honestly laid with my legs up on the wall for about two hours on Monday, and I think it worked). So I am getting out there. No excuses left. I also ordered a pair of maternity capris from old navy which should make working out more comfortable.
So that's my update today. If I get news about test results from my doctor tomrorow I will share them. At this point, I'm just leaving it out there and not going to worry about it, because there's nothing I can do. Oh, and I'm uploading a chart my coworker and I created to help me through some anxiety. Who knows, it might help someone else.
-Emily
If you can avoid this, I recommend doing so at all costs. It involved four blood draws (and one failed poke, so five total). The first hour and a half I thought I was going to pass out and really thought I was going to throw up and I fought through it because I did NOT want to start over again. By hour two, I felt great! like my body had kicked into gear and was processing the sugar.
All in all, I say it's not as bad as I thought it would be, but also not a barrel of laughs. So if you can eat healthy and avoid failing your hour screening, do it. Because this sucks.
That being said, for the past two days I've been following the diabetic guidelines for eating, and I actually lost two lbs! Down to 297. So I think, regardless of the results, I am going to try to stick with this method of eating and know that I am prone to it (my mother and aunt both have diabetes). I don't want to test my sugars all day, but having counseling and strict guidelines would help me, I think. So while I'm not wishing for a positive by any means, at least some good will come out of this.
Some other weird stuff, the green goo came back ,and then disappeared again. My doctor prescribed more flagyl, but I am waiting to take it to see if it returns. My rash comes and goes, but it's gone right now. And it is an incredibly GORGEOUS day here, 61 degrees and sunny, so I'm going to get out for a walk tonight. The baby has moved up off my pelvis (I honestly laid with my legs up on the wall for about two hours on Monday, and I think it worked). So I am getting out there. No excuses left. I also ordered a pair of maternity capris from old navy which should make working out more comfortable.
So that's my update today. If I get news about test results from my doctor tomrorow I will share them. At this point, I'm just leaving it out there and not going to worry about it, because there's nothing I can do. Oh, and I'm uploading a chart my coworker and I created to help me through some anxiety. Who knows, it might help someone else.
-Emily
Monday, April 11, 2016
20 week update!
Friday was our 20 week mark, and also our big visit to the doctor. We had an ultrasound anatomy scan, appointment, and glucose test.
Baby is a big girl, measuring in at 20 weeks 3 days, and weighing 14.2oz. She is healthy and is resting her head on my pelvis/cervix, so that is why I'm feeling so much pressure. Today I am very uncomfortable, so I am going to go home and put my legs up and try to help her get up a little higher. Bah.
I also have an anterior placenta, so I do not think I'll feel cosnistent movements for a while. Sometimes when I'm laying propped up in bed I think I feel her, but when I put my hand on my stomach it stops. So who knows.
In a few months time I will most likely need to wear the support belt frequently, and the doctor recommended chiropractor time to get my hips evened out, since she thinks that is where my calf pain is coming from.
All in all, it was a great check-up. Our baby girl is stunningly pretty and we are in love with her sooo much. Now we just have to get through 4.5 more months, and she will be here.
Taking it a day at a time and trying to stay calm even when it feels like she is trying to drill her way out of my abdomen.
My weight also stayed steady at 300 lbs. Now that we have a good report and better weather on the way, walking will become our utmost priority. She didn't check my cervix, so I am still a bit concerned about that, but she didn't seem worried, so I won't be worried. For now, we just kind of are in a holding pattern as we see what happens. Still taking it day-by-day, and trying to stay calm.
I am so in love already. I am putting this in God's hands now, because all I can do is stay healthy and calm and let her grow strong.
Also waiting on results of the glucose test.... hoping we either pass it with flying colors, or bomb it miserably so we don't have to go back for the three hour test. Cause that would NOT be fun.
-Emily
Baby is a big girl, measuring in at 20 weeks 3 days, and weighing 14.2oz. She is healthy and is resting her head on my pelvis/cervix, so that is why I'm feeling so much pressure. Today I am very uncomfortable, so I am going to go home and put my legs up and try to help her get up a little higher. Bah.
I also have an anterior placenta, so I do not think I'll feel cosnistent movements for a while. Sometimes when I'm laying propped up in bed I think I feel her, but when I put my hand on my stomach it stops. So who knows.
In a few months time I will most likely need to wear the support belt frequently, and the doctor recommended chiropractor time to get my hips evened out, since she thinks that is where my calf pain is coming from.
All in all, it was a great check-up. Our baby girl is stunningly pretty and we are in love with her sooo much. Now we just have to get through 4.5 more months, and she will be here.
Taking it a day at a time and trying to stay calm even when it feels like she is trying to drill her way out of my abdomen.
My weight also stayed steady at 300 lbs. Now that we have a good report and better weather on the way, walking will become our utmost priority. She didn't check my cervix, so I am still a bit concerned about that, but she didn't seem worried, so I won't be worried. For now, we just kind of are in a holding pattern as we see what happens. Still taking it day-by-day, and trying to stay calm.
I am so in love already. I am putting this in God's hands now, because all I can do is stay healthy and calm and let her grow strong.
Also waiting on results of the glucose test.... hoping we either pass it with flying colors, or bomb it miserably so we don't have to go back for the three hour test. Cause that would NOT be fun.
-Emily
Wednesday, April 6, 2016
Symptoms and Splotches
Last Thursday I woke up with teeny, tiny little red bumps running under my chest kind of above my abdomen. Where my bra sits, but also above and below that. They itch slightly, but they went away after a shower. This morning, I woke up with them again. I read a few things about some allergic reactions to the placenta/baby, but before we get that far I'm going to just relax and let my doctor give me some feedback.
It could be as simple as a heat rash.
However, my husband noticed bigger splotches on my shoulders and upper back this morning too. So now I'm a big, splotchy mess. My skin is very sensitive, but I have not added anything new into my diet or clothing routine. It might be allergies to the spring, but I can't be sure. Friday cannot get here soon enough.
Also, the counselor I found won't take my insurance and charges about $50 a session, so I will keep on searching. Hoping we find someone soon.
I just feel so resigned to the fact that this is going to be bad Friday. I'm TERRIFIED. But... all we can do is pray and hope and get there and take care of myself until then. Tomorrow night I might doppler and see if I can find her. Last time I struggled to find her heart, eventually did way far to the left. I don't know, I am a hot mess.
That's all for now.
-E
It could be as simple as a heat rash.
However, my husband noticed bigger splotches on my shoulders and upper back this morning too. So now I'm a big, splotchy mess. My skin is very sensitive, but I have not added anything new into my diet or clothing routine. It might be allergies to the spring, but I can't be sure. Friday cannot get here soon enough.
Also, the counselor I found won't take my insurance and charges about $50 a session, so I will keep on searching. Hoping we find someone soon.
I just feel so resigned to the fact that this is going to be bad Friday. I'm TERRIFIED. But... all we can do is pray and hope and get there and take care of myself until then. Tomorrow night I might doppler and see if I can find her. Last time I struggled to find her heart, eventually did way far to the left. I don't know, I am a hot mess.
That's all for now.
-E
Tuesday, April 5, 2016
Hang in there, baby!
The baby is still sitting really low, and I got some comforting news from my discussion boards on BBC about the fact that baby can decide where it wants to go, and it's pretty normal to feel low, sometimes that just happens. But still looking forward to friday and making sure everything is sealed up tight.
It feels like if I reached down below my belly button and above my pubic bone there would be a crescent shaped lump "smiling" from hip to hip.
I am so annoyed by this, and everything around me today. I just want to go home!
-E
It feels like if I reached down below my belly button and above my pubic bone there would be a crescent shaped lump "smiling" from hip to hip.
I am so annoyed by this, and everything around me today. I just want to go home!
-E
Monday, April 4, 2016
Sigh.
If anyone out there reads my blog regularly, I think by now you can tell I'm a little neurotic. Not in a scary way, just in an anxious/nervous/overly invested way.
I just... I feel like the baby has died. I know that's so unhealthy. I feel like she is gone constantly. I am always checking for bleeding. I have to stop this thought train, or I am going to will it to happen. I think as we get closer to our 20 week appointment on Friday, the anxiety is just going up, up, up.
I am in the process of finding a counselor for this stress that works with our insurance plan, and just trying to keep myself calm in the meantime. I am so fearful. Saturday I just cried for half the morning because I don't feel like my body can do this. It has failed once, and now that this baby can hear, feel, move and poke me, I am so scared of letting her down because my body can't do it. If that makes any sense.
So yea! That's exciting. I wish I was stronger. I used to be this strong, fierce independent woman. And now, I feel like curling up in a ball is the extent of my abilities. I don't really know when it changed. I think when I came home from traveling abroad and couldn't find work in my field for years. When I let fear dictate my decisions. I think that's when I switched mentality from lion to fieldmouse.
So, this is deeper than a miscarriage or a loss (which wasn't very long ago, I do think waiting is probably better... but alas, here we are.) But all of those emotions are all merging into one giant stressball. Sigh. I can't wait for Friday. 20 week milestone, a day off of work, and our anatomy scan, check up, and glucose test. I think after that I will feel better. I hope so.
For the past week my abdomen has been so tight, and this morning I woke up and it was flabby again. These changes are normal, but I am so mindful of what is going on that I notice EVERY slight change. This friday I will be running through a list with my doctor and letting her know about my anxiety/stress. I also lost weight again, so I am down 2 lbs from where I started in this whole process. I know I am SUPPOSED to be losing weight, but I also don't have a tummy yet. All of these (even plus size) women I see at 19 weeks are HUGE, and I have nothing, I just look bloated. Maybe it's because I've ridden horses my whole life and those muscles are pretty strong (they are) but it doesn't help me feel better when I have no symptoms, weight loss in the second tri, can't 100% identify movement, and no baby bump.
It might be time to get back on something to calm me down through the final months of this process. We are a little over a month away from third trimester. You'd think I'd be calming down.
Here are some mantras I found that are helping me stay grounded:
I just... I feel like the baby has died. I know that's so unhealthy. I feel like she is gone constantly. I am always checking for bleeding. I have to stop this thought train, or I am going to will it to happen. I think as we get closer to our 20 week appointment on Friday, the anxiety is just going up, up, up.
I am in the process of finding a counselor for this stress that works with our insurance plan, and just trying to keep myself calm in the meantime. I am so fearful. Saturday I just cried for half the morning because I don't feel like my body can do this. It has failed once, and now that this baby can hear, feel, move and poke me, I am so scared of letting her down because my body can't do it. If that makes any sense.
So yea! That's exciting. I wish I was stronger. I used to be this strong, fierce independent woman. And now, I feel like curling up in a ball is the extent of my abilities. I don't really know when it changed. I think when I came home from traveling abroad and couldn't find work in my field for years. When I let fear dictate my decisions. I think that's when I switched mentality from lion to fieldmouse.
So, this is deeper than a miscarriage or a loss (which wasn't very long ago, I do think waiting is probably better... but alas, here we are.) But all of those emotions are all merging into one giant stressball. Sigh. I can't wait for Friday. 20 week milestone, a day off of work, and our anatomy scan, check up, and glucose test. I think after that I will feel better. I hope so.
For the past week my abdomen has been so tight, and this morning I woke up and it was flabby again. These changes are normal, but I am so mindful of what is going on that I notice EVERY slight change. This friday I will be running through a list with my doctor and letting her know about my anxiety/stress. I also lost weight again, so I am down 2 lbs from where I started in this whole process. I know I am SUPPOSED to be losing weight, but I also don't have a tummy yet. All of these (even plus size) women I see at 19 weeks are HUGE, and I have nothing, I just look bloated. Maybe it's because I've ridden horses my whole life and those muscles are pretty strong (they are) but it doesn't help me feel better when I have no symptoms, weight loss in the second tri, can't 100% identify movement, and no baby bump.
It might be time to get back on something to calm me down through the final months of this process. We are a little over a month away from third trimester. You'd think I'd be calming down.
Here are some mantras I found that are helping me stay grounded:
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