We are being induced Wednesday night / Thursday morning... we are in the final three days. :O
Does it feel real yet? It doesn't for me! Today is my final appointment/cervical check/ NST. Depending on how that goes, we are scheduled for Wednesday night, as long as the hospital has room. My OB wants to get the dilation started that night, so that we deliver Thursday. She thinks it's going to take a while to get things moving, so we'll see... I'm not so sure. I am EXTREMELY sensitive to meds, so I have a feeling it won't take that long. But of course, I'm not the doctor.
I was thinking this baby was coming on her own Saturday. After our appointment friday I started losing my mucus plug, pretty sure it's almost completely gone. And I was having a lot of pressure. It mostly stopped yesterday/today. I am concerned she is so big/wrapped in her cord that it's going to complicate things. But I have faith in my hospital and doctor to get her through delivery safely.
Now we just need to get her alive until Thursday. I know that sounds crazy to have anxiety about that, but I also know with a GD diagnosis my placenta is going to deteriorate rather quickly as we get around that 40 week mark, she is getting bigger, and there are still things that can go wrong. So, praying we make it through the next two days calmly and stress free. We are still counting kicks. She was so crazy last night that today she's pretty quiet. So I'm glad we're going for the NST.
I will update after my appointment today if anything changes, and if not, then after we go through this crazy labor experience...
Also, work is insane. I am feeling very nervous about leaving, and having them think I am not important enough to bring back. I know that's not going to happen, but I am still nervous. That's normal I think. So when I get back in november I'm going to have to really knock it out of the park. And hope that nothing comes up while I'm out that is really, really horrible.
Sigh. So much on my mind. Come on, Wednesday. I'm taking the day off so I'll go get our carseat fitted properly and any last minute things done at the house. And rest in preparation. Am I nervous? for me and the baby, yes. For labor? a little. Mostly excited we made it, and that excitement is drowning out the fear for now.
-Em
Showing posts with label gestational diabetes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label gestational diabetes. Show all posts
Monday, August 22, 2016
Friday, August 5, 2016
Friday Morning Musings - Come On Baby....
Alright, so it's been a while since a real update. Here's where we're at:
1.5cm dialated
Baby weighing in at 7lbs 3oz
Glucose levels hovering between 74-130 (Yay!) (But eating more to try to keep them above 90, so ... might be gaining more weight?)
Might be losing some of my mucus plug, but not confirmed
So at the last doctor appointment I was told - basically - that because of my obesity, we are screwed either way. Hear me out. The baby's head and bones are all slowing down and measuring correctly 37 weeks. However, her abdomen is measuring 40 weeks. Which puts us at risk for shoulder displasia if she comes vaginally and is too big (i.e. 39/40 weeks). If she comes early (this week or next) we might be okay, as my doctor thinks my body could handle a 7 or 8 lb baby.
However, if she doesn't come early, we will have to do a c-section. But, because of my excessive amounts of fat, I am at risk for "wound breakdown". Yes, something new to worry about. Basically, the weight keeps the stitches from healing properly and the wound breaks down. Which could require debridement. And honestly? I'm scared it could permanently ruin my uterus. I could be barren at 28 because I'm fat.
Doctor also told us that if she comes now, she should be okay size-wise and functionally good. So in my head, this means "okay baby, time to come." I'm praying she makes her appearance within the next 10 days. Preventing a c-section, and preventing shoulder displasia. Which, by the way, can result in broken collar bone or PARALYSIS.
After hearing these possibilities, I am pretty heartbroken. My poor life choices have resulted in me or my baby being hurt, me being infertile, or even more complications. I know I worked very hard on the diabetes meal plan, but I do wish I could try again and be even better so it never got this bad. I was very good, but not perfect. I know that. And I'm mortified. What I do know is that I will never, ever, ever be this heavy again, and I will never go through pregnancy this heavy again. And I will also start weaning myself off of caffeine and fake sugars and try to live as healthily as possible and also up my workout schedule. This is going to require a life change. And also a life change for my baby's sake so she never has this issue either.
I'm just... sad. Sad that there is a tiny human in me who we can't get out without danger unless she decides to come on her own, and let's be honest, what first time baby comes 3 weeks early when they're all snug and cozy in there? I am very concerned.
Not to mention, work has been insane. I'm training my temporary replacement, which has proven to be more of a challenge than I like to admit. There is some sense of control I dislike letting go. But more than that, she is very grabby, and also not very thorough. So I am seeing mistakes and worried about leaving. I know it will all work out, but I was hoping for a smoother transition. There are also questions about my job, which I believe will result in a positive outcome, but for the time being it is disconcerting and worrying and stressful. I was hoping these last few weeks would be calm and a time to wrap up. Instead, I'm just being bombarded with new challanges, and by Friday I want to curl into a ball and sleep/cry.
The thing they don't HONESTLY tell you about working full time and pregnancy? Your brain just doesn't work the same. Your body is physically exhausted. And you just. don't. care. Like, you want to, and you try your hardest, but the only thing that matters is your tiny baby in your tummy. And how can anything matter more than that ever? It's been difficult. I care so deeply about my job, my team, my performance, our products.... and it's weird walking away from it for 3 months, and handing over all of my responsibilites to someone. Which is very scary. What if she is better than me? What if they find my position unnecessary? What if they find mistakes while I'm out and fire me? All of these things are anxiety speaking, and I'm sure once baby gets here they'll hardly matter, but it's making my last month of work very stressful.
Not to mention, I still have THREE WEEKS LEFT. I don't know how that is even possible. My best friend is pregnant and she is already 1/2 way through her pregnancy. How do I still have almost a month left? There are only nine months in this process, and the last one truly does take an eternity. Having anxiety, fear, and exhaustion, oh and being obese and terrified of the outcome -- those all play into it, I am sure.
Sorry, I had this beautiful, bright sunny mentality last week, and this week it's like I can't even force myself to get out of bed. My brain is full, my heart is heavy, and i'm thinking this is post-partum kicking in early. My doctor is already aware, and we will address that with medication.
I just want that happiness back. But between work, health, fat, finances, husband, I am distracted and worried and not a damn thing seems to be helping, because once I tackle one demon, another pops up.
I guess that is life, and we have to learn to get through it together. I will console myself by going to the tax free weekend sale at Once Upon a Child and getting some cute baby items and telling myself that no matter what happens to me, this baby is my number 1 priority and her health is all that matters.
Now, to roll around on my exercise ball, drink Red Raspberry Leaf Tea, and eat pineapples. Oh and walk. Come on baby, be ready. We're so ready for you.
Em
1.5cm dialated
Baby weighing in at 7lbs 3oz
Glucose levels hovering between 74-130 (Yay!) (But eating more to try to keep them above 90, so ... might be gaining more weight?)
Might be losing some of my mucus plug, but not confirmed
So at the last doctor appointment I was told - basically - that because of my obesity, we are screwed either way. Hear me out. The baby's head and bones are all slowing down and measuring correctly 37 weeks. However, her abdomen is measuring 40 weeks. Which puts us at risk for shoulder displasia if she comes vaginally and is too big (i.e. 39/40 weeks). If she comes early (this week or next) we might be okay, as my doctor thinks my body could handle a 7 or 8 lb baby.
However, if she doesn't come early, we will have to do a c-section. But, because of my excessive amounts of fat, I am at risk for "wound breakdown". Yes, something new to worry about. Basically, the weight keeps the stitches from healing properly and the wound breaks down. Which could require debridement. And honestly? I'm scared it could permanently ruin my uterus. I could be barren at 28 because I'm fat.
Doctor also told us that if she comes now, she should be okay size-wise and functionally good. So in my head, this means "okay baby, time to come." I'm praying she makes her appearance within the next 10 days. Preventing a c-section, and preventing shoulder displasia. Which, by the way, can result in broken collar bone or PARALYSIS.
After hearing these possibilities, I am pretty heartbroken. My poor life choices have resulted in me or my baby being hurt, me being infertile, or even more complications. I know I worked very hard on the diabetes meal plan, but I do wish I could try again and be even better so it never got this bad. I was very good, but not perfect. I know that. And I'm mortified. What I do know is that I will never, ever, ever be this heavy again, and I will never go through pregnancy this heavy again. And I will also start weaning myself off of caffeine and fake sugars and try to live as healthily as possible and also up my workout schedule. This is going to require a life change. And also a life change for my baby's sake so she never has this issue either.
I'm just... sad. Sad that there is a tiny human in me who we can't get out without danger unless she decides to come on her own, and let's be honest, what first time baby comes 3 weeks early when they're all snug and cozy in there? I am very concerned.
Not to mention, work has been insane. I'm training my temporary replacement, which has proven to be more of a challenge than I like to admit. There is some sense of control I dislike letting go. But more than that, she is very grabby, and also not very thorough. So I am seeing mistakes and worried about leaving. I know it will all work out, but I was hoping for a smoother transition. There are also questions about my job, which I believe will result in a positive outcome, but for the time being it is disconcerting and worrying and stressful. I was hoping these last few weeks would be calm and a time to wrap up. Instead, I'm just being bombarded with new challanges, and by Friday I want to curl into a ball and sleep/cry.
The thing they don't HONESTLY tell you about working full time and pregnancy? Your brain just doesn't work the same. Your body is physically exhausted. And you just. don't. care. Like, you want to, and you try your hardest, but the only thing that matters is your tiny baby in your tummy. And how can anything matter more than that ever? It's been difficult. I care so deeply about my job, my team, my performance, our products.... and it's weird walking away from it for 3 months, and handing over all of my responsibilites to someone. Which is very scary. What if she is better than me? What if they find my position unnecessary? What if they find mistakes while I'm out and fire me? All of these things are anxiety speaking, and I'm sure once baby gets here they'll hardly matter, but it's making my last month of work very stressful.
Not to mention, I still have THREE WEEKS LEFT. I don't know how that is even possible. My best friend is pregnant and she is already 1/2 way through her pregnancy. How do I still have almost a month left? There are only nine months in this process, and the last one truly does take an eternity. Having anxiety, fear, and exhaustion, oh and being obese and terrified of the outcome -- those all play into it, I am sure.
Sorry, I had this beautiful, bright sunny mentality last week, and this week it's like I can't even force myself to get out of bed. My brain is full, my heart is heavy, and i'm thinking this is post-partum kicking in early. My doctor is already aware, and we will address that with medication.
I just want that happiness back. But between work, health, fat, finances, husband, I am distracted and worried and not a damn thing seems to be helping, because once I tackle one demon, another pops up.
I guess that is life, and we have to learn to get through it together. I will console myself by going to the tax free weekend sale at Once Upon a Child and getting some cute baby items and telling myself that no matter what happens to me, this baby is my number 1 priority and her health is all that matters.
Now, to roll around on my exercise ball, drink Red Raspberry Leaf Tea, and eat pineapples. Oh and walk. Come on baby, be ready. We're so ready for you.
Em
Thursday, July 28, 2016
Good Thoughts
Alright. It's Thursday, July 28. We are two days away from the anniversary of our loss. And this week has been somewhat of a turning point for yours truly.
The first four nights were spent miserable, crying, and freaked out. As I mentioned before, I had what I thought could have been some spotting over the weekend. We never really determined if it was or wasn't. But it stopped, and baby was moving so everything seemed okay.
Yesterday, my husband went with me to my 36 week appointment. We had an AFI (fluid check) an NST (her heart was perfect) and a cervix check (I am dialated 1cm). Everything looks great. I have a lot of fluid (high end of normal at 21.5 cm2. And when the doctor asked if we had any questions my husband told her my fears (cord prolapse, bad placenta, baby dying). And she reassured us that we're doing all the monitoring we could POSSIBLY be doing. And if I wanted to come in twice a week I could. But we're doing as much monitoring as someone with type 1 diabetes.
My fear, aggression, anger... I just ... had to take a big, deep breath and let it go. We have made it. We are at 36 weeks. This baby can come, and be okay. She has made it to term, and I took her there. If something horribly tragic happens (and it could, I am well aware of that), then we will deal with it. But, I have decided I am going to make the best of the next three weeks. Try not to worry, try not to stress, and just enjoy what time I have left with her on the inside before our lives change dramatically.
At this point, she's going to either come on her own, or the doctor will take her out if something looks dodgy. We are kick counting. She is head down, facing right and her feet are jabbing me on my right side. I can feel her almost all day. So, I have to let go and TRULY give it up to God. After I made that decision, I felt a huge sense of relief. Things that had been bothering me stopped. This is different from a 'manic' episode. Because I don't feel any of those crazy happy emotions. It's mostly just a release. A calm. I have done everything I can to keep her healthy and safe. I take my meds, I monitor my glucose. We show up to appointments and I did what I could to get her here. At this point, there's not much more I can possibly do.
So I'm going to be pregnant. And happy. and when the negative thoughts start creeping in (they still do) I will counter them with positive thoughts. I could tell last night as I reached exhaustion and night time set in, I was losing strength in my resolve. So I went to bed. And I woke up with my old mindset, but quickly altered to this new ideology. I want to enjoy the next three weeks. My husband and I will be going on a date night. And we are going to watch some movies we need to catch up on. We're going to enjoy eachother. And not be scared of sex. It's been 9 months since I haven't been terrified of sex... So that's a good thing to be over that hurdle for my marriage's sake!
What else... just a general sense of ease in life. I've been fighting, fighting, fighting so hard. Each minute of the day was a battle. Like I was claiming territory. Now? Now, I just need to let them pass over us, and let this baby decide when she is going to make her appearance. We are so, so in love with her. It actually hurts my heart to think about how much I love her. But I need to redirect that love into joy, and not fear. Fear is going to get us nowhere in the next few months. But love? Love is the answer.
this is not the July of last year. This is a new year. This is 2016, and we are miles ahead of where we were. And yes, we could end up 10 billion times more devastated then we were last year. Or we could end up with the most beautiful baby in the world who we love more than life itself. And that's what I am going to plan on. Because she is in there, scrumming around, comfy and content to kick me in the ribs. And she has her own plan. She always had. Even 36 weeks ago when she was conceived. She has been on her own schedule and has her own little plan. So, I'm going to trust her. Trust me. Trust my husband. And trust the process. We are so close, and I am finally FINALLY feeling some happiness. And joy.
Being scared for 9 months is exhausting. And it puts a serious dent in your morale and ability to love and be loved and I am TIRED of it. I am done with that. I am going to be a better, happier person. Similar to who I used to be, and just have faith.
Also? Immediately after changing my perspective, things at work changed. I was complimented twice on work ethic and the results I produce. Maybe I've been told this before and didn't hear it? But it was nice... like the earth's ebb and flow rewarded my positivity.
There are also two quotes I heard this week that I want to remember forever:
1. You can't choose when you are someone's friend. (In the context of, you can't be a fair-weather friend. Good or bad, if you are someone's friend you have to stay through it, or duck out, but you don't get to come and go as you please when it's easy.)
2. Being a woman means you have to be stronger. (Hilaria Baldwin's mother).
I think these are good ideas to run thoughts by to help gauge the 'big picture', and I will continue to do so.
Anyways, positive thoughts. Enjoying this pregnancy. Trusting my body. And just spilling love out into the universe.
-Emily at Peace-
The first four nights were spent miserable, crying, and freaked out. As I mentioned before, I had what I thought could have been some spotting over the weekend. We never really determined if it was or wasn't. But it stopped, and baby was moving so everything seemed okay.
Yesterday, my husband went with me to my 36 week appointment. We had an AFI (fluid check) an NST (her heart was perfect) and a cervix check (I am dialated 1cm). Everything looks great. I have a lot of fluid (high end of normal at 21.5 cm2. And when the doctor asked if we had any questions my husband told her my fears (cord prolapse, bad placenta, baby dying). And she reassured us that we're doing all the monitoring we could POSSIBLY be doing. And if I wanted to come in twice a week I could. But we're doing as much monitoring as someone with type 1 diabetes.
My fear, aggression, anger... I just ... had to take a big, deep breath and let it go. We have made it. We are at 36 weeks. This baby can come, and be okay. She has made it to term, and I took her there. If something horribly tragic happens (and it could, I am well aware of that), then we will deal with it. But, I have decided I am going to make the best of the next three weeks. Try not to worry, try not to stress, and just enjoy what time I have left with her on the inside before our lives change dramatically.
At this point, she's going to either come on her own, or the doctor will take her out if something looks dodgy. We are kick counting. She is head down, facing right and her feet are jabbing me on my right side. I can feel her almost all day. So, I have to let go and TRULY give it up to God. After I made that decision, I felt a huge sense of relief. Things that had been bothering me stopped. This is different from a 'manic' episode. Because I don't feel any of those crazy happy emotions. It's mostly just a release. A calm. I have done everything I can to keep her healthy and safe. I take my meds, I monitor my glucose. We show up to appointments and I did what I could to get her here. At this point, there's not much more I can possibly do.
So I'm going to be pregnant. And happy. and when the negative thoughts start creeping in (they still do) I will counter them with positive thoughts. I could tell last night as I reached exhaustion and night time set in, I was losing strength in my resolve. So I went to bed. And I woke up with my old mindset, but quickly altered to this new ideology. I want to enjoy the next three weeks. My husband and I will be going on a date night. And we are going to watch some movies we need to catch up on. We're going to enjoy eachother. And not be scared of sex. It's been 9 months since I haven't been terrified of sex... So that's a good thing to be over that hurdle for my marriage's sake!
What else... just a general sense of ease in life. I've been fighting, fighting, fighting so hard. Each minute of the day was a battle. Like I was claiming territory. Now? Now, I just need to let them pass over us, and let this baby decide when she is going to make her appearance. We are so, so in love with her. It actually hurts my heart to think about how much I love her. But I need to redirect that love into joy, and not fear. Fear is going to get us nowhere in the next few months. But love? Love is the answer.
this is not the July of last year. This is a new year. This is 2016, and we are miles ahead of where we were. And yes, we could end up 10 billion times more devastated then we were last year. Or we could end up with the most beautiful baby in the world who we love more than life itself. And that's what I am going to plan on. Because she is in there, scrumming around, comfy and content to kick me in the ribs. And she has her own plan. She always had. Even 36 weeks ago when she was conceived. She has been on her own schedule and has her own little plan. So, I'm going to trust her. Trust me. Trust my husband. And trust the process. We are so close, and I am finally FINALLY feeling some happiness. And joy.
Being scared for 9 months is exhausting. And it puts a serious dent in your morale and ability to love and be loved and I am TIRED of it. I am done with that. I am going to be a better, happier person. Similar to who I used to be, and just have faith.
Also? Immediately after changing my perspective, things at work changed. I was complimented twice on work ethic and the results I produce. Maybe I've been told this before and didn't hear it? But it was nice... like the earth's ebb and flow rewarded my positivity.
There are also two quotes I heard this week that I want to remember forever:
1. You can't choose when you are someone's friend. (In the context of, you can't be a fair-weather friend. Good or bad, if you are someone's friend you have to stay through it, or duck out, but you don't get to come and go as you please when it's easy.)
2. Being a woman means you have to be stronger. (Hilaria Baldwin's mother).
I think these are good ideas to run thoughts by to help gauge the 'big picture', and I will continue to do so.
Anyways, positive thoughts. Enjoying this pregnancy. Trusting my body. And just spilling love out into the universe.
-Emily at Peace-
Monday, July 25, 2016
come on tiny baby, we only have a few weeks left...
That is what I keep saying to this child. Come on tiny baby, we don't have long now. Hang in there, be okay. I must admit, my anxiety is pretty high right now. We are so, so very deeply invested in this life-changing process and our daughter being here. I am TERRIFIED of anything going wrong. Husband has asked me to get off of google/forums. I am trying to, but sometimes I freak out and look something up and BAM, there is someone who had a placental abruption at 35 weeks (out of the blue) and lost their son.
I realize we are being monitored more heavily than others, but it still scares me. Saturday night I had what looked like light spotting. I was a hot mess after that. We decided to wait it out and see, as it wasn't clearly blood. Nothing happened again, so I think we're okay. And baby was moving like CRAZY. Everyone tells me (including the OB) that movement is good, no movement is bad. And lots of movement is good too. So as long as I feel her, it's okay.
I've also been doing kick counts twice a day. Once after breakfast, once before bed. She flipped around I think ,so now her head is facing either out or left, because I'm feeling much more movement when she is moving. However, we do have a lot of sleepy times. I am trying to keep stress levels down at work so she is calmer and so am I. That way consciously feel for her throughout the day.
I feel like in the past week my stomach has just grown massively. Coworkers and randos on the street are asking when I'm due. I'm like, we've got another month left, at least. They can't believe it. I believe my 21.3cm of amniotic fluid makes me look bigger. I also found out it can cause cord problems or prolapsed cords. Seriously, have to stop reading the boards. But I am going to make a list of things that scare me and address them with the doctor this week. My therapist thinks I should write them out and hand her the list so I can't get shy and not ask. So that is the plan, and husband will be accompanying me for this appointment. It's my first cervical check, AND an ultrasound, and an NST, and an appointment. It's going to be a long morning.
Anyways, I'm huge, very uncomfortable, very nervous, and ready for her to be here safely. I know people keep telling me to 'enjoy' this last time before your life changes forever. But honestly? I have been waiting for her for so long now.... I just want her. We're so ready. I know our lives will be impacted in ways we can't even imagine. But it's going to be so, so wonderful to have our family.
At work, I am training the temp, who told me today she is feeling overwhelmed. I need to step back and take more steps to cover basics with her. I thought she was frustrated I wasn't giving her enough work, but turns out I was sending too much. She will be fine, and they'll cover me when I'm gone without a problem, so I am feeling calmer about this all. But yes. Crazy.
So the mural is almost done in the nursery. Pictures below. We're so close! Now we just need a few more items:
And that's about it!! There is a lot more we will need:
The list goes on, but what I want to have here before she arrives is almost ready! So exciting.
We'll do one big final sweep through Target and Babies R Us and get any last minute items. I have all of this breastfeeding stuff, so I am hoping we can make that work. I've attended our birthing class and our nursing class. We've got our birth plan written. Now I just ... wait. And you all know just how well I wait (not very well). 31 days if we make it to due date. 21 days left of work.
In our packed bags are:
Husband Bag -
Emily & Baby Bag -
Labor Bag -
I'm sure there's more, but that's the essentials.
So I was reading a story about a girl who has Type 1 diabetes, had a breech baby last pregnancy and had a c-section, and wants to do a VBAC. Her doctor and MFM has told her (basically) if it happens it happens, but she is very upset and wants her VBAC. At term. I am so scared of anything happening that I am all like "you want to take her on 38 weeks? Yes, please.". I don't understand how people can have such differing opinions. But I value reading them, because it helps keep mine in perspective. I hope she gets what she wants, but for me, I am so nervous of making a wrong decision, that I'll take a c-section if it's the only way. That being said, I will be upping my Red Raspberry Leaf tea intake to two cups/day starting this Friday. And up to 3 cups next week. I can feel her pushing on my bladder and cervix, and my pee trips at night have jumped from 2 to anywhere between 4-7. So while I know que sera sera, i think this baby is making her way to the exit, as Semisonic would say.
Okay I've started seriously nervous-rambling. What else do I want to record for posterity...
- my counselor is wanting me to check in with her after appointments to help keep anxiety at bay
- work... i don't know. it's just a big cluster sometimes. I don't know what to do about that
- no spotting or blood when i wipe, and good movement
- baby appears to have her head on my left side now, with legs on the left, butt on the right
- I'm not terrified of labor, maybe I should be? But the thought of getting there just makes me happy
- Constantly exhausted
- We put LED lights in the baby room. Which is the coolest thing ever. And our storage freezer arrives today.
- I will ask my doctor about tubular breasts... maybe. Maybe I don't want to know!
- Have started leaking colostrum. This morning Iwoke up with actual hardened beads. That's a first!
okay, more Wednesday.
-Emily
I realize we are being monitored more heavily than others, but it still scares me. Saturday night I had what looked like light spotting. I was a hot mess after that. We decided to wait it out and see, as it wasn't clearly blood. Nothing happened again, so I think we're okay. And baby was moving like CRAZY. Everyone tells me (including the OB) that movement is good, no movement is bad. And lots of movement is good too. So as long as I feel her, it's okay.
I've also been doing kick counts twice a day. Once after breakfast, once before bed. She flipped around I think ,so now her head is facing either out or left, because I'm feeling much more movement when she is moving. However, we do have a lot of sleepy times. I am trying to keep stress levels down at work so she is calmer and so am I. That way consciously feel for her throughout the day.
I feel like in the past week my stomach has just grown massively. Coworkers and randos on the street are asking when I'm due. I'm like, we've got another month left, at least. They can't believe it. I believe my 21.3cm of amniotic fluid makes me look bigger. I also found out it can cause cord problems or prolapsed cords. Seriously, have to stop reading the boards. But I am going to make a list of things that scare me and address them with the doctor this week. My therapist thinks I should write them out and hand her the list so I can't get shy and not ask. So that is the plan, and husband will be accompanying me for this appointment. It's my first cervical check, AND an ultrasound, and an NST, and an appointment. It's going to be a long morning.
Anyways, I'm huge, very uncomfortable, very nervous, and ready for her to be here safely. I know people keep telling me to 'enjoy' this last time before your life changes forever. But honestly? I have been waiting for her for so long now.... I just want her. We're so ready. I know our lives will be impacted in ways we can't even imagine. But it's going to be so, so wonderful to have our family.
At work, I am training the temp, who told me today she is feeling overwhelmed. I need to step back and take more steps to cover basics with her. I thought she was frustrated I wasn't giving her enough work, but turns out I was sending too much. She will be fine, and they'll cover me when I'm gone without a problem, so I am feeling calmer about this all. But yes. Crazy.
So the mural is almost done in the nursery. Pictures below. We're so close! Now we just need a few more items:
- swing
- baby wearing carrier (ergobaby or lillebabty)
- some more packs of onesies
- some more sleepers
- swaddlers for both newborn and next size up
- a couple more burp cloths
- a few more receiving blankets
- nipple guards (I think I might have tubular breasts :( I don't know for sure, but just in case these shields might help...)
And that's about it!! There is a lot more we will need:
- baby walker
- high chair
- running stroller
- boppy chair
- boppy pillow
- extra crib mattress (for our Secure Beginnings mattress)
The list goes on, but what I want to have here before she arrives is almost ready! So exciting.
We'll do one big final sweep through Target and Babies R Us and get any last minute items. I have all of this breastfeeding stuff, so I am hoping we can make that work. I've attended our birthing class and our nursing class. We've got our birth plan written. Now I just ... wait. And you all know just how well I wait (not very well). 31 days if we make it to due date. 21 days left of work.
In our packed bags are:
Husband Bag -
- Outfit essentials (boxers, pajamas, socks, t-shirts)
- Towel
- Pillow & Blanket
- Soap, facial moisturizer, deodorant
- Carseat (this is in the car...)
Emily & Baby Bag -
- 3 outfits for me (one nice one for pics, the rest are comfy)
- 1 Nursing bra
- 1 Nursing tank
- 1 onesie (plan on getting an additional outfit or two when we do our final shop for different sizes)
- 2 NB cloth diapers for pictures
- Nipple cream just in case
- Makeup bag
- Soap, shampoo, conditioner, deodorant
- 1 receiving blanket
- 1 muslin swaddle
- Socks (me and baby)
- Baby hat
- Debating a boppy if we get one
- A baggy full of wipes
- Colace
- Phone charger
- Pack of Magic the Gathering cards and deck to play with
- Ponytail holders and brush
Labor Bag -
- Two robes
- Fuzzy slipper socks
- Massage oil
- Heating pad
- Chapstick
- Lotion
- Contacts & solution
- Camera
I'm sure there's more, but that's the essentials.
So I was reading a story about a girl who has Type 1 diabetes, had a breech baby last pregnancy and had a c-section, and wants to do a VBAC. Her doctor and MFM has told her (basically) if it happens it happens, but she is very upset and wants her VBAC. At term. I am so scared of anything happening that I am all like "you want to take her on 38 weeks? Yes, please.". I don't understand how people can have such differing opinions. But I value reading them, because it helps keep mine in perspective. I hope she gets what she wants, but for me, I am so nervous of making a wrong decision, that I'll take a c-section if it's the only way. That being said, I will be upping my Red Raspberry Leaf tea intake to two cups/day starting this Friday. And up to 3 cups next week. I can feel her pushing on my bladder and cervix, and my pee trips at night have jumped from 2 to anywhere between 4-7. So while I know que sera sera, i think this baby is making her way to the exit, as Semisonic would say.
Okay I've started seriously nervous-rambling. What else do I want to record for posterity...
- my counselor is wanting me to check in with her after appointments to help keep anxiety at bay
- work... i don't know. it's just a big cluster sometimes. I don't know what to do about that
- no spotting or blood when i wipe, and good movement
- baby appears to have her head on my left side now, with legs on the left, butt on the right
- I'm not terrified of labor, maybe I should be? But the thought of getting there just makes me happy
- Constantly exhausted
- We put LED lights in the baby room. Which is the coolest thing ever. And our storage freezer arrives today.
- I will ask my doctor about tubular breasts... maybe. Maybe I don't want to know!
- Have started leaking colostrum. This morning Iwoke up with actual hardened beads. That's a first!
okay, more Wednesday.
-Emily
Wednesday, July 6, 2016
33 week check-in
Things are really taking off now!
First Non Stress Test (NST) and it was very strange. Baby girl kept slipping away from the monitor and we had to restart. But eventually we got a good baseline. The doctor says her heart sounds beautiful. She kept going from 130s - 160s, which seems high to me? But I could be wrong. I obviously am not a doctor.
After that, I had my check up. My glucose numbers have gone up this week, and are getting harder to manage, but they are still mostly under 130. She doesn't feel comfortable medicating yet, so we are doing a panel to test my blood sugar, and I am now going to be testing every 1 and 2 hours after meals. It's insane!
I also told her about my headaches... and my blood pressure was higher than normal 130/80 (usually 120/65-70). So I am supposed to call this week if the headaches get worse. We also did a preeclampsia panel to see where we are as a baseline for that. I don't know what that means, so I need to do more research and figure out what she will be looking for. They haven't had any protein in my urine samples yet, so that is a good sign. I am hoping the headaches are just the changing weather and lessening my caffeine intake, but the rising BP doesn't assure me that's the case.
So next Wednesday we'll have an ultrasound, another NST, and an appointment, and hopefully bloodwork will be back by then.
I really want to get this baby to 36 weeks. That's my goal, and I want to deliver naturally. So, 3 more weeks tiny baby, we can do it!!! Ideally we'd get to 40, but all signs are pointing to that not happening.
If I get a call tomorrow about blood panels I will update.
-Em
First Non Stress Test (NST) and it was very strange. Baby girl kept slipping away from the monitor and we had to restart. But eventually we got a good baseline. The doctor says her heart sounds beautiful. She kept going from 130s - 160s, which seems high to me? But I could be wrong. I obviously am not a doctor.
After that, I had my check up. My glucose numbers have gone up this week, and are getting harder to manage, but they are still mostly under 130. She doesn't feel comfortable medicating yet, so we are doing a panel to test my blood sugar, and I am now going to be testing every 1 and 2 hours after meals. It's insane!
I also told her about my headaches... and my blood pressure was higher than normal 130/80 (usually 120/65-70). So I am supposed to call this week if the headaches get worse. We also did a preeclampsia panel to see where we are as a baseline for that. I don't know what that means, so I need to do more research and figure out what she will be looking for. They haven't had any protein in my urine samples yet, so that is a good sign. I am hoping the headaches are just the changing weather and lessening my caffeine intake, but the rising BP doesn't assure me that's the case.
So next Wednesday we'll have an ultrasound, another NST, and an appointment, and hopefully bloodwork will be back by then.
I really want to get this baby to 36 weeks. That's my goal, and I want to deliver naturally. So, 3 more weeks tiny baby, we can do it!!! Ideally we'd get to 40, but all signs are pointing to that not happening.
If I get a call tomorrow about blood panels I will update.
-Em
Tuesday, July 5, 2016
More Frequent Check-Ins
So Sunday afternoon I almost went to the hospital because I hadn't really felt baby give any good kicks all day, or the night before. I got dressed, decided I'd doppler her just to make myself feel better and she kicked the doppler off my stomach, and then went ballistic. So I did not go to the hospital.
My husband noted that we have a pattern. It's two days of movement, one day of quiet. So I'm going to start logging on here more frequently so I remember where we are in this pattern.
Friday July 1 - Lots of movement
Saturday July 2 - Movement in AM, quiet in PM
Sunday July 3 - Quiet almost all day
Monday July 4 - Movement almost all day
Tuesday July 5 - Movement in the AM, and overnight
Wed July 6 - Hardly any movement in the AM
This isn't really helpful to anyone but me, but so be it!!
Wednesday we have our first NST (non-stress test). I am excited to go in and hear her heartbeat for 30 minutes. I am going to ask if she'll write me a note to wear tennis shoes to work. My hips have been pretty brutally painful. It's my left buttock, and it pulls sometimes so bad I almost fall down. I will also be calling the chiropractor. Even though she charges like $75 dollars, I think it will be worth it to go and get things adjusted. Probably next week.
The following Wednesday we have our next growth scan, a non-stress test, and then an appointment. I'm thinking I'll take the whole day off work and use the afternoon to work on getting our house organized. OR I'll just take a half day, and take a full day after the next ultrasound day / after the shower when I can put stuff away and do laundry. That makes more sense. Especially since I'll want to come in and work on projects.
I've officially created a countdown at my desk. 35 days left (give or take 1 or 2) until her EDD. Which means I have 35 days to get every project I'm working on wrapped up, the temp trained, and my desk essentailly cleared out in case anything happens while I'm gone (they move me, they fire me, etc.)
I also found my FitBit, and I'm going to start wearing that. I've been having daily headaches, which I think is from looking at my phone too much, but just in case we're getting Pre-E signs, I want my heartrate being tracked.
So yea, that is what is up, more posts to come!! Oh, and later this week I will post about Scrumbles, because he has been on my mind so, so very much lately as we approach the year of our losing him. My heart is heavy.
-Em
My husband noted that we have a pattern. It's two days of movement, one day of quiet. So I'm going to start logging on here more frequently so I remember where we are in this pattern.
Friday July 1 - Lots of movement
Saturday July 2 - Movement in AM, quiet in PM
Sunday July 3 - Quiet almost all day
Monday July 4 - Movement almost all day
Tuesday July 5 - Movement in the AM, and overnight
Wed July 6 - Hardly any movement in the AM
This isn't really helpful to anyone but me, but so be it!!
Wednesday we have our first NST (non-stress test). I am excited to go in and hear her heartbeat for 30 minutes. I am going to ask if she'll write me a note to wear tennis shoes to work. My hips have been pretty brutally painful. It's my left buttock, and it pulls sometimes so bad I almost fall down. I will also be calling the chiropractor. Even though she charges like $75 dollars, I think it will be worth it to go and get things adjusted. Probably next week.
The following Wednesday we have our next growth scan, a non-stress test, and then an appointment. I'm thinking I'll take the whole day off work and use the afternoon to work on getting our house organized. OR I'll just take a half day, and take a full day after the next ultrasound day / after the shower when I can put stuff away and do laundry. That makes more sense. Especially since I'll want to come in and work on projects.
I've officially created a countdown at my desk. 35 days left (give or take 1 or 2) until her EDD. Which means I have 35 days to get every project I'm working on wrapped up, the temp trained, and my desk essentailly cleared out in case anything happens while I'm gone (they move me, they fire me, etc.)
I also found my FitBit, and I'm going to start wearing that. I've been having daily headaches, which I think is from looking at my phone too much, but just in case we're getting Pre-E signs, I want my heartrate being tracked.
So yea, that is what is up, more posts to come!! Oh, and later this week I will post about Scrumbles, because he has been on my mind so, so very much lately as we approach the year of our losing him. My heart is heavy.
-Em
More Frequent Check-Ins
So Sunday afternoon I almost went to the hospital because I hadn't really felt baby give any good kicks all day, or the night before. I got dressed, decided I'd doppler her just to make myself feel better and she kicked the doppler off my stomach, and then went ballistic. So I did not go to the hospital.
My husband noted that we have a pattern. It's two days of movement, one day of quiet. So I'm going to start logging on here more frequently so I remember where we are in this pattern.
Friday July 1 - Lots of movement
Saturday July 2 - Movement in AM, quiet in PM
Sunday July 3 - Quiet almost all day
Monday July 4 - Movement almost all day
Tuesday July 5 - Movement in the AM, and overnight
Wed July 6 - Hardly any movement in the AM
This isn't really helpful to anyone but me, but so be it!!
Wednesday we have our first NST (non-stress test). I am excited to go in and hear her heartbeat for 30 minutes. I am going to ask if she'll write me a note to wear tennis shoes to work. My hips have been pretty brutally painful. It's my left buttock, and it pulls sometimes so bad I almost fall down. I will also be calling the chiropractor. Even though she charges like $75 dollars, I think it will be worth it to go and get things adjusted. Probably next week.
The following Wednesday we have our next growth scan, a non-stress test, and then an appointment. I'm thinking I'll take the whole day off work and use the afternoon to work on getting our house organized. OR I'll just take a half day, and take a full day after the next ultrasound day / after the shower when I can put stuff away and do laundry. That makes more sense. Especially since I'll want to come in and work on projects.
I've officially created a countdown at my desk. 35 days left (give or take 1 or 2) until her EDD. Which means I have 35 days to get every project I'm working on wrapped up, the temp trained, and my desk essentailly cleared out in case anything happens while I'm gone (they move me, they fire me, etc.)
I also found my FitBit, and I'm going to start wearing that. I've been having daily headaches, which I think is from looking at my phone too much, but just in case we're getting Pre-E signs, I want my heartrate being tracked.
So yea, that is what is up, more posts to come!! Oh, and later this week I will post about Scrumbles, because he has been on my mind so, so very much lately as we approach the year of our losing him. My heart is heavy.
-Em
My husband noted that we have a pattern. It's two days of movement, one day of quiet. So I'm going to start logging on here more frequently so I remember where we are in this pattern.
Friday July 1 - Lots of movement
Saturday July 2 - Movement in AM, quiet in PM
Sunday July 3 - Quiet almost all day
Monday July 4 - Movement almost all day
Tuesday July 5 - Movement in the AM, and overnight
Wed July 6 - Hardly any movement in the AM
This isn't really helpful to anyone but me, but so be it!!
Wednesday we have our first NST (non-stress test). I am excited to go in and hear her heartbeat for 30 minutes. I am going to ask if she'll write me a note to wear tennis shoes to work. My hips have been pretty brutally painful. It's my left buttock, and it pulls sometimes so bad I almost fall down. I will also be calling the chiropractor. Even though she charges like $75 dollars, I think it will be worth it to go and get things adjusted. Probably next week.
The following Wednesday we have our next growth scan, a non-stress test, and then an appointment. I'm thinking I'll take the whole day off work and use the afternoon to work on getting our house organized. OR I'll just take a half day, and take a full day after the next ultrasound day / after the shower when I can put stuff away and do laundry. That makes more sense. Especially since I'll want to come in and work on projects.
I've officially created a countdown at my desk. 35 days left (give or take 1 or 2) until her EDD. Which means I have 35 days to get every project I'm working on wrapped up, the temp trained, and my desk essentailly cleared out in case anything happens while I'm gone (they move me, they fire me, etc.)
I also found my FitBit, and I'm going to start wearing that. I've been having daily headaches, which I think is from looking at my phone too much, but just in case we're getting Pre-E signs, I want my heartrate being tracked.
So yea, that is what is up, more posts to come!! Oh, and later this week I will post about Scrumbles, because he has been on my mind so, so very much lately as we approach the year of our losing him. My heart is heavy.
-Em
More Frequent Check-Ins
So Sunday afternoon I almost went to the hospital because I hadn't really felt baby give any good kicks all day, or the night before. I got dressed, decided I'd doppler her just to make myself feel better and she kicked the doppler off my stomach, and then went ballistic. So I did not go to the hospital.
My husband noted that we have a pattern. It's two days of movement, one day of quiet. So I'm going to start logging on here more frequently so I remember where we are in this pattern.
Friday July 1 - Lots of movement
Saturday July 2 - Movement in AM, quiet in PM
Sunday July 3 - Quiet almost all day
Monday July 4 - Movement almost all day
Tuesday July 5 - Movement in the AM, and overnight
Wed July 6 - Hardly any movement in the AM
This isn't really helpful to anyone but me, but so be it!!
Wednesday we have our first NST (non-stress test). I am excited to go in and hear her heartbeat for 30 minutes. I am going to ask if she'll write me a note to wear tennis shoes to work. My hips have been pretty brutally painful. It's my left buttock, and it pulls sometimes so bad I almost fall down. I will also be calling the chiropractor. Even though she charges like $75 dollars, I think it will be worth it to go and get things adjusted. Probably next week.
The following Wednesday we have our next growth scan, a non-stress test, and then an appointment. I'm thinking I'll take the whole day off work and use the afternoon to work on getting our house organized. OR I'll just take a half day, and take a full day after the next ultrasound day / after the shower when I can put stuff away and do laundry. That makes more sense. Especially since I'll want to come in and work on projects.
I've officially created a countdown at my desk. 35 days left (give or take 1 or 2) until her EDD. Which means I have 35 days to get every project I'm working on wrapped up, the temp trained, and my desk essentailly cleared out in case anything happens while I'm gone (they move me, they fire me, etc.)
I also found my FitBit, and I'm going to start wearing that. I've been having daily headaches, which I think is from looking at my phone too much, but just in case we're getting Pre-E signs, I want my heartrate being tracked.
So yea, that is what is up, more posts to come!! Oh, and later this week I will post about Scrumbles, because he has been on my mind so, so very much lately as we approach the year of our losing him. My heart is heavy.
-Em
My husband noted that we have a pattern. It's two days of movement, one day of quiet. So I'm going to start logging on here more frequently so I remember where we are in this pattern.
Friday July 1 - Lots of movement
Saturday July 2 - Movement in AM, quiet in PM
Sunday July 3 - Quiet almost all day
Monday July 4 - Movement almost all day
Tuesday July 5 - Movement in the AM, and overnight
Wed July 6 - Hardly any movement in the AM
This isn't really helpful to anyone but me, but so be it!!
Wednesday we have our first NST (non-stress test). I am excited to go in and hear her heartbeat for 30 minutes. I am going to ask if she'll write me a note to wear tennis shoes to work. My hips have been pretty brutally painful. It's my left buttock, and it pulls sometimes so bad I almost fall down. I will also be calling the chiropractor. Even though she charges like $75 dollars, I think it will be worth it to go and get things adjusted. Probably next week.
The following Wednesday we have our next growth scan, a non-stress test, and then an appointment. I'm thinking I'll take the whole day off work and use the afternoon to work on getting our house organized. OR I'll just take a half day, and take a full day after the next ultrasound day / after the shower when I can put stuff away and do laundry. That makes more sense. Especially since I'll want to come in and work on projects.
I've officially created a countdown at my desk. 35 days left (give or take 1 or 2) until her EDD. Which means I have 35 days to get every project I'm working on wrapped up, the temp trained, and my desk essentailly cleared out in case anything happens while I'm gone (they move me, they fire me, etc.)
I also found my FitBit, and I'm going to start wearing that. I've been having daily headaches, which I think is from looking at my phone too much, but just in case we're getting Pre-E signs, I want my heartrate being tracked.
So yea, that is what is up, more posts to come!! Oh, and later this week I will post about Scrumbles, because he has been on my mind so, so very much lately as we approach the year of our losing him. My heart is heavy.
-Em
Friday, June 24, 2016
Bad news (big) bears....
Just got the call from my doctor. Baby girl is measuring TWO WEEKS ahead :( her tummy is bigger than her skull, so we are definitely seeing the effects of Gestational Diabetes.
This is a wakeup call for me. I have been VERY good about the diet, but not as stringent as I should be. So now we are going to make some drastic changes. Because I don't want anything happening to this little girl. Especially don't want her in the NICU after delivery with low blood sugars :(
Alright here we go:
Time to get serious.
Poor little baby, she doesn't deserve to have GD or insulin issues. That's why I need to take control. I am mommy now.
-Frustrated
This is a wakeup call for me. I have been VERY good about the diet, but not as stringent as I should be. So now we are going to make some drastic changes. Because I don't want anything happening to this little girl. Especially don't want her in the NICU after delivery with low blood sugars :(
Alright here we go:
- Exercise - 3x a week, even if it's a piddly little walk
- No more artificial sugars (that's right - no more diet sodas, no more gatorades, nothing)
- No more caffeine
- Less red meat / More white meat
- 1 vegetable with every meal - no excuses
- Fruits as snacks instead of crackers/breads
Time to get serious.
Poor little baby, she doesn't deserve to have GD or insulin issues. That's why I need to take control. I am mommy now.
-Frustrated
Big 'ol baby
Growth scan at 31 weeks complete. What we learned? Baby is head down, way back by my spine ( thank you, Baby!) completely tucked away and padded and... big. I mean, like, 90th percentile big. Thank you, Gestational Diabetes.
She is also just genetically predisposed to being big -- her mommy and daddy are tall and huge!
So, here is what we could pick up from reading the screen as the tech was working her magic -
Skull - measuring 31 weeks, 5 days
Tummy - measuring 32 weeks
Thigh bone - measuring 34 weeks
Most of the other measurements were around 32 weeks, and had an EDD of 8/17/2016. Which is about ten days early. Which is about what I have been saying (a week early). Since my doctor has already mentioned c-section, I have a feeling if baby doesn't come on her own, she won't let her get too big and we will have a cut off time.
The weight guess is 4 lbs 10 ounces. Which has a +/- variance of 1 lb. So she is between 3 lbs 10 oz - 5 lbs 10 oz. "average" for this age is 3 lbs 3 ounces, which means no matter what, we're ahead of average. Which we knew.
I do feel like less of a pansy for all this pain I feel since she is probbly around 4 lbs. I mean, if she was 2 lbs and I was hurting this much it'd be like "come on, girl, get over it" but considering she is almost baby-sized, I feel a little better!
So yes, 9 weeks to go... 1/2 a pound added each week, means 4.5 more pounds, or putting us around 9lb 2oz. Eegads.
Still just waiting on a call from my doctor to get her official feedback. I doubt she'll move our EDD, but I know we'll be watching this baby and my blood pressure pretty closely.
Also, she has her daddy's chin. She's going to look like him sooo much. That's my guess/hope, anyways. :)
More next Wednesday when we go in for our very first non-stress test, and another appointment.
-Em
She is also just genetically predisposed to being big -- her mommy and daddy are tall and huge!
So, here is what we could pick up from reading the screen as the tech was working her magic -
Skull - measuring 31 weeks, 5 days
Tummy - measuring 32 weeks
Thigh bone - measuring 34 weeks
Most of the other measurements were around 32 weeks, and had an EDD of 8/17/2016. Which is about ten days early. Which is about what I have been saying (a week early). Since my doctor has already mentioned c-section, I have a feeling if baby doesn't come on her own, she won't let her get too big and we will have a cut off time.
The weight guess is 4 lbs 10 ounces. Which has a +/- variance of 1 lb. So she is between 3 lbs 10 oz - 5 lbs 10 oz. "average" for this age is 3 lbs 3 ounces, which means no matter what, we're ahead of average. Which we knew.
I do feel like less of a pansy for all this pain I feel since she is probbly around 4 lbs. I mean, if she was 2 lbs and I was hurting this much it'd be like "come on, girl, get over it" but considering she is almost baby-sized, I feel a little better!
So yes, 9 weeks to go... 1/2 a pound added each week, means 4.5 more pounds, or putting us around 9lb 2oz. Eegads.
Still just waiting on a call from my doctor to get her official feedback. I doubt she'll move our EDD, but I know we'll be watching this baby and my blood pressure pretty closely.
Also, she has her daddy's chin. She's going to look like him sooo much. That's my guess/hope, anyways. :)
More next Wednesday when we go in for our very first non-stress test, and another appointment.
-Em
Thursday, June 16, 2016
10 Weeks and Counting!!!!!
Went to the doctor yesterday and got a lot of my questions answered. I am feeling so much better about things as far as care and how we will progress.
So, my crazy 'bike' hip pain is just... pregnancy. She said that she sees overweight girls, and skinny girls, all with the same symptoms. I was advised to wear looser-fitting clothing as it gets warm, because I am going to get too hot if not, and it will help my lady parts air out. Good advice in general, but hard for someone who likes to have a lot of layers! I actually stole my husband's boxers today to wear under my skirt instead of my usual bike shorts. It is definitely cooler, and not feeling a huge difference in comfortable-ness. So that worked well. I also ordered a pair of super loose shorts to wear around the house.
So, I almost had a heart attack at the appointment, because she couldn't find baby's heart beat with the doppler. Which warranted an ultrasound. The US room was busy, so we had to wait 20 minutes to get in. Once we did, baby was NOT moving. She must have been asleep, but my doctor found the HB within seconds and she was at 135.
We went and had dinner after, and baby woke up a bit. But still, it was a slow day for her. I think this heat has everyone just trying to relax. I know the uterus maintains a constant temp, but... I'm a big puddle of blah.
So here is the plan -
Since anxiety stems from fear of the unknown, my biggest concerns - not enough oxygen getting to baby, previa, sleeping on my back and cutting off circulation, random still born, and deteriorating placenta - will all be monitored at these non-stress tests. I am so beyond relieved. I know that it's going to be a lot of time at the office, but it's worth it. And I know we still have ten weeks left, so we aren't even like within reasonable delivery time, but... this is the final stretch. We've got to cross the finish line, and I'm willing to take modern medicine's help if possible.
Also, the official "when to call" regarding kick counts - If I don't feel her when I normally do, and when I take a break TO feel her and still don't, we call. The doctor's example was - if you don't really notice her moving at work, and then get home, lay on your side and have a cold drink and still nothing for an hour, you call. I mean, a lot of the advice i read online is like "babies get sleepy" but... according to my doctor, I need to call. I feel better knowing this. And having some kind of mental gauge. I am also starting to track her active times, so I know when she is usually up.
My good friend who is pregnant has opted out of all testing. I envy her laid-back demeanor, but as much as hospitals can screw things up... something about having someone smarter than me checking on this tiny human is a relief. I know it's all pretty much up to baby and the placenta at this point, but we can do what we can to make sure she is safe.
Now here is hoping blood pressure stays low and pre-eclampsia stays away.
We are so close, I am so in love with this baby... Taking in my last deep breath and soon to exhale as we round the corner on this journey called pregnancy.
10 weeks. 10 weeks. 10 weeks. 10 more Mondays!
-Emily
So, my crazy 'bike' hip pain is just... pregnancy. She said that she sees overweight girls, and skinny girls, all with the same symptoms. I was advised to wear looser-fitting clothing as it gets warm, because I am going to get too hot if not, and it will help my lady parts air out. Good advice in general, but hard for someone who likes to have a lot of layers! I actually stole my husband's boxers today to wear under my skirt instead of my usual bike shorts. It is definitely cooler, and not feeling a huge difference in comfortable-ness. So that worked well. I also ordered a pair of super loose shorts to wear around the house.
So, I almost had a heart attack at the appointment, because she couldn't find baby's heart beat with the doppler. Which warranted an ultrasound. The US room was busy, so we had to wait 20 minutes to get in. Once we did, baby was NOT moving. She must have been asleep, but my doctor found the HB within seconds and she was at 135.
We went and had dinner after, and baby woke up a bit. But still, it was a slow day for her. I think this heat has everyone just trying to relax. I know the uterus maintains a constant temp, but... I'm a big puddle of blah.
So here is the plan -
- Next Friday I go in for an official growth scan where we'll estimate how much she weighs. That will dictate what we do going forward. (The weight estimates can be 1 lb off in either direction, so we are taking this number with that in mind).
- The following week I go in for my 32 week appointment. From there on out, we will do non-stress tests on the baby weekly. This is because of the diabetes. So she'll hook her up and listen to her heart for 20 minutes and make sure it sounds okay. There will be a month of weekly visits.
- IF I get put on the glucose lowering drug, the non-stress tests will happen twice weekly. As much as I love being closely monitored, that is a lot even for me. I'm not sure how I will swing it with work, but it must be done. However, we are still going to try to maintain levels with exercise and diet. That's the plan.
- At 36 weeks she will start checking my cervix for dilation, and fluids around the baby. She looked last night and everything looked good. I am so so so relieved.
Since anxiety stems from fear of the unknown, my biggest concerns - not enough oxygen getting to baby, previa, sleeping on my back and cutting off circulation, random still born, and deteriorating placenta - will all be monitored at these non-stress tests. I am so beyond relieved. I know that it's going to be a lot of time at the office, but it's worth it. And I know we still have ten weeks left, so we aren't even like within reasonable delivery time, but... this is the final stretch. We've got to cross the finish line, and I'm willing to take modern medicine's help if possible.
Also, the official "when to call" regarding kick counts - If I don't feel her when I normally do, and when I take a break TO feel her and still don't, we call. The doctor's example was - if you don't really notice her moving at work, and then get home, lay on your side and have a cold drink and still nothing for an hour, you call. I mean, a lot of the advice i read online is like "babies get sleepy" but... according to my doctor, I need to call. I feel better knowing this. And having some kind of mental gauge. I am also starting to track her active times, so I know when she is usually up.
My good friend who is pregnant has opted out of all testing. I envy her laid-back demeanor, but as much as hospitals can screw things up... something about having someone smarter than me checking on this tiny human is a relief. I know it's all pretty much up to baby and the placenta at this point, but we can do what we can to make sure she is safe.
Now here is hoping blood pressure stays low and pre-eclampsia stays away.
We are so close, I am so in love with this baby... Taking in my last deep breath and soon to exhale as we round the corner on this journey called pregnancy.
10 weeks. 10 weeks. 10 weeks. 10 more Mondays!
-Emily
Monday, June 13, 2016
Goodbye, motivation!
This weekend was rough. Several times I thought I might be having contractions or going into labor. Nope, just my hips. Always my hips!
Friday afternoon and Saturday it felt like a wasp had stung my urethra (I wish that was an exaggeration). I thought I was getting a UTI infection. I did some reading, and others said it was just pressure and hips spreading. Okay, so Saturday and Sunday I did NOTHING. Laid around in bed, rested, no extreme movements. By Sunday afternoon the pain had waned.
This morning (Monday) I can feel it again, but not like last week. Friday I had stood for about an hour and a half chatting with people, and then walked across campus twice, so I am wondering if that aggravated the feeling. Thursday I went swimming, so maybe some combination of the two caused the pain.
Either way, I will be mentioning it at my OB appointment on Wednesday. I originally planned to move the appointment back to Monday the 20th, but my anxiety is getting the best of me right now. I am so grateful for my therapist, who I saw Saturday for the first time in three weeks. She really does help me calm myself down, and put things in perspective. Also, a good friend who is coming out of that three month newborn fog reached out, and she helped ease some of my fears. So Saturday, in tears, in bed, debating going to L&D.... to today, feeling slightly calmer and in less pain.
I am making a list to ask the doctor Wednesday.
Stuff like-
I'm sure this list will grow over the next three days.
Anyways, aside from that, trying to focus on positive outcomes. I am picturing baby girl sliding out without issues, hearing her cry, and then feeling her on my chest and counting her perfect little fingers and toes. Picturing us wrapped in a warm light of love and hope. That's my reality. That's the reality I am imagining.
Yesterday I was laying on my side in bed, just with my hand on the left side of my belly button, and I swear I felt her foot. It was hard and small, pushing against my hand. It was the single coolest thing I think I've ever experienced. My daughter's little foot stretching out.
I love her so, so much. If anything happened, I am not sure I could recover. I would be devastated. I know I would learn to go on, but this ... amount of love. This amount of love can be devastating. it is scary. But I'm letting it happen, slowly, because she needs it. She needs all of our love for the time we have her. And if my image of August 26th comes true, she'll get love on the outside, too. But for now, I am channeling my love inward.
Anyways, I should know more Wednesday after the appointment. Just wanted to get it off my chest here how terrified I am, how much I want her safe, and how my therapy is helping me take control of the situation where I can, and demand answers for the care I'm paying for. Not that my OB isn't already doing this as if everything was going well ( because it is), but I need a little extra coddling ,and she needs to know that.
We also still have to go get the TDapp... D-Tapp? I can't remember. Anyways, it's whooping couch. I'm a little hesitant with all these fetal vaccinations, but since it is in the area, I suppose we need to do it before she's here as opposed to after.
Life is crazy. I will tell you that.
Friday I have taken the day off work to get the nursery ready with my mom. I am excited, but doing this stuff also worries me. Planning for the best, but preparing for the worst might be where my head is at right now. Trying to find happiness in this stuff, but it scares me.
Anyways, love. That's all it is. Just love. That's all we can do.
-Em
Friday afternoon and Saturday it felt like a wasp had stung my urethra (I wish that was an exaggeration). I thought I was getting a UTI infection. I did some reading, and others said it was just pressure and hips spreading. Okay, so Saturday and Sunday I did NOTHING. Laid around in bed, rested, no extreme movements. By Sunday afternoon the pain had waned.
This morning (Monday) I can feel it again, but not like last week. Friday I had stood for about an hour and a half chatting with people, and then walked across campus twice, so I am wondering if that aggravated the feeling. Thursday I went swimming, so maybe some combination of the two caused the pain.
Either way, I will be mentioning it at my OB appointment on Wednesday. I originally planned to move the appointment back to Monday the 20th, but my anxiety is getting the best of me right now. I am so grateful for my therapist, who I saw Saturday for the first time in three weeks. She really does help me calm myself down, and put things in perspective. Also, a good friend who is coming out of that three month newborn fog reached out, and she helped ease some of my fears. So Saturday, in tears, in bed, debating going to L&D.... to today, feeling slightly calmer and in less pain.
I am making a list to ask the doctor Wednesday.
Stuff like-
- What is the plan for the next two and a half months? (I can't keep going and not knowing what to expect. Anxiety, by definition, is the fear of the unknown. So it's time to take control of these appointments). I also want to schedule as many appointments as she'll let me so I can make sure work is informed in advance of when I'll be out.
- I want to know how we'll measure the baby, and make sure the placenta is still okay. How many kicks is too many/not enough. (Welcome to anxiety, where TOO MANY KICKS is a concern.)
- What happens if my GD numbers get too crazy?
- Blood pressure?
- Swelling?
- When do I call in to prevent a problem, or when am I being too paranoid?
I'm sure this list will grow over the next three days.
Anyways, aside from that, trying to focus on positive outcomes. I am picturing baby girl sliding out without issues, hearing her cry, and then feeling her on my chest and counting her perfect little fingers and toes. Picturing us wrapped in a warm light of love and hope. That's my reality. That's the reality I am imagining.
Yesterday I was laying on my side in bed, just with my hand on the left side of my belly button, and I swear I felt her foot. It was hard and small, pushing against my hand. It was the single coolest thing I think I've ever experienced. My daughter's little foot stretching out.
I love her so, so much. If anything happened, I am not sure I could recover. I would be devastated. I know I would learn to go on, but this ... amount of love. This amount of love can be devastating. it is scary. But I'm letting it happen, slowly, because she needs it. She needs all of our love for the time we have her. And if my image of August 26th comes true, she'll get love on the outside, too. But for now, I am channeling my love inward.
Anyways, I should know more Wednesday after the appointment. Just wanted to get it off my chest here how terrified I am, how much I want her safe, and how my therapy is helping me take control of the situation where I can, and demand answers for the care I'm paying for. Not that my OB isn't already doing this as if everything was going well ( because it is), but I need a little extra coddling ,and she needs to know that.
We also still have to go get the TDapp... D-Tapp? I can't remember. Anyways, it's whooping couch. I'm a little hesitant with all these fetal vaccinations, but since it is in the area, I suppose we need to do it before she's here as opposed to after.
Life is crazy. I will tell you that.
Friday I have taken the day off work to get the nursery ready with my mom. I am excited, but doing this stuff also worries me. Planning for the best, but preparing for the worst might be where my head is at right now. Trying to find happiness in this stuff, but it scares me.
Anyways, love. That's all it is. Just love. That's all we can do.
-Em
Thursday, June 2, 2016
The Final Countdown
My OB said it best with, "I can't believe you're entering into the third trimester already!"
... How are we only twelve weeks way from baby time? I mean, twelve weeks is going to probably feel like twelve months... but it does feel like the past 28 weeks have been a blur (a blur of stress, anxiety, doctors visits, and concern. But a blur, nonetheless).
Yesterday we had our 28 week appointment. Much to my dismay, there was no fundal height measuring, no cervix checking, and no belly width measurements. I was under the impression that starting at 28 weeks we started getting measured. So I left the doctor's office pretty upset and anxious. Then I talked to my friends and cousins, and apparently if everything is "normal" they won't start looking for problems until a little later. Okay... seems okay to me. Next appointment I will be asking about what the measurements will be, how things will be tracked, and getting more information. The not knowing for someone with my personality is the worse. I get let down any time I have an expectation. So next appointment (in two weeks) we will be setting expectations.
Diabetes Update - I officially have crossed the threshold into Gestational Diabetes (earlier I was just dipping my toes in the diabetic waters). My morning numbers range from 85-97, putting my on the high end of normal. Tuesday I went to the GD training session, and I have to say, I would recommend all pregnant women attend this type of training. It teaches you how to eat to feed the baby, which is really valuable and I was definitely doing it wrong. I was cutting too many carbs, so all weekend I felt sick, nauseous and light-headed. I think that also was a stomach bug I inherited from a coworker. That all combined was no good. But now that I'm trying to follow my customized meal plan, things seem to be better. I am not eating enough carbs during my snacks, and eating too many during meals, which is why my levels are spiking. So we are going to try to level it out by bumping the carbs throughout the day. The best way to look at the gd diet is as a daily budget. I am allowed 12-14 carbs a day (most women get 10-12, but I'm a big girl). So I need to spend them wisely and evenly. If you are on the borderline of a GD diagnosis, I recommend just taking the plunge and going to the class. You will learn a lot!
The follow up session will be next Tuesday when we go over my food and numbers and see how things are progressing. Crazy!
As far as the pregnancy, things seem okay. Baby is kicking away. Last night I did the first official kick count. My stomach sometimes feels bloated and detached, and it is painful, but I imagine that will only continue as it gets bigger. She kicks a lot and I love it. I love feeling her in there. Even when she does the creepy little tiny movements down by my pantyline.
Swimming has offiically started, too. Since my hips seem to be deteriorating in strength, the pool will be my go-to. I have committed to three days of swimming a week. Doable, depending on weather. Once we get into July I doubt weather will be a big factor, as it's always in the 90s+ and hot and sunny here. So that's good stuff.
Overall a good update. I will say the hormones are OUT OF CONTROL. I am sad, mad, irritated, angry, upset, excited, elated... constantly. I am rarely even. I know I was somewhat of a rollercoaster before, but this morning I woke up and found out my husband threw away my lunch for today, and I wanted to throw myself on the floor and throw a tantrum. It is amazing the spikes in emotion!
Alrighty, well, that's it for now. OH, I got the Rhogam shot, and a blood draw for something. And a prescriptiong for TDapp. (That's whooping cough I believe). Crazy to think we're so close now...
-Emily
... How are we only twelve weeks way from baby time? I mean, twelve weeks is going to probably feel like twelve months... but it does feel like the past 28 weeks have been a blur (a blur of stress, anxiety, doctors visits, and concern. But a blur, nonetheless).
Yesterday we had our 28 week appointment. Much to my dismay, there was no fundal height measuring, no cervix checking, and no belly width measurements. I was under the impression that starting at 28 weeks we started getting measured. So I left the doctor's office pretty upset and anxious. Then I talked to my friends and cousins, and apparently if everything is "normal" they won't start looking for problems until a little later. Okay... seems okay to me. Next appointment I will be asking about what the measurements will be, how things will be tracked, and getting more information. The not knowing for someone with my personality is the worse. I get let down any time I have an expectation. So next appointment (in two weeks) we will be setting expectations.
Diabetes Update - I officially have crossed the threshold into Gestational Diabetes (earlier I was just dipping my toes in the diabetic waters). My morning numbers range from 85-97, putting my on the high end of normal. Tuesday I went to the GD training session, and I have to say, I would recommend all pregnant women attend this type of training. It teaches you how to eat to feed the baby, which is really valuable and I was definitely doing it wrong. I was cutting too many carbs, so all weekend I felt sick, nauseous and light-headed. I think that also was a stomach bug I inherited from a coworker. That all combined was no good. But now that I'm trying to follow my customized meal plan, things seem to be better. I am not eating enough carbs during my snacks, and eating too many during meals, which is why my levels are spiking. So we are going to try to level it out by bumping the carbs throughout the day. The best way to look at the gd diet is as a daily budget. I am allowed 12-14 carbs a day (most women get 10-12, but I'm a big girl). So I need to spend them wisely and evenly. If you are on the borderline of a GD diagnosis, I recommend just taking the plunge and going to the class. You will learn a lot!
The follow up session will be next Tuesday when we go over my food and numbers and see how things are progressing. Crazy!
As far as the pregnancy, things seem okay. Baby is kicking away. Last night I did the first official kick count. My stomach sometimes feels bloated and detached, and it is painful, but I imagine that will only continue as it gets bigger. She kicks a lot and I love it. I love feeling her in there. Even when she does the creepy little tiny movements down by my pantyline.
Swimming has offiically started, too. Since my hips seem to be deteriorating in strength, the pool will be my go-to. I have committed to three days of swimming a week. Doable, depending on weather. Once we get into July I doubt weather will be a big factor, as it's always in the 90s+ and hot and sunny here. So that's good stuff.
Overall a good update. I will say the hormones are OUT OF CONTROL. I am sad, mad, irritated, angry, upset, excited, elated... constantly. I am rarely even. I know I was somewhat of a rollercoaster before, but this morning I woke up and found out my husband threw away my lunch for today, and I wanted to throw myself on the floor and throw a tantrum. It is amazing the spikes in emotion!
Alrighty, well, that's it for now. OH, I got the Rhogam shot, and a blood draw for something. And a prescriptiong for TDapp. (That's whooping cough I believe). Crazy to think we're so close now...
-Emily
Friday, May 13, 2016
Growing Pains
If you've ever experienced a loss, and then a pregnancy afterwards, you are probably familiar with being hypersensitive to any tick, movement, itch, scratch or pain. This week is a week of pains for me and baby girl. As we move into our third trimester (June 3 we'll officially be in the home-stretch), I know in my head that she is putting on lots of fat every day and bulking up. At this point, she has all of her organs and they are maturing so she can live outside of my body. We are "viable" at this point, and doctors would fight to keep her alive. But this also means we will be gaining between 6 and 8 pounds between now and August 26. Which equals about a half a pound a week of pure baby weight.
That all being said, my stomach hurts.
Mostly up high, like under my chest and above my belly button. It wakes me up at night sometimes. and it itches. the itching! My boobs are sore, and my bras are definitely too tight. (new ones ordered). I feel "lightning crotch" a lot. It shoots from my lower pelvic area down my crotch. And that similar sensation can be felt all over my stomach. I know it's from her growing, but it still always makes me worried.
Next appointment is June 1st, and I will be asking the doctor if they check the cord again. My mom was told that her son was born with his cord wrapped around his neck in a knot (he was stillborn) so I'm uber nervous about anything involving cords. I want to know if that is being monitored. And a friend I work with has a sister in a high risk pregnacny, and the doctor took the time to show her an ultrasound of the cord and that it was not wrapped around the baby's neck.
What i'm learning is that this process is so dependent on your OB. if you get one really hands-on, you will get far more information and support. I think next time I will be hiring a midwife for these long months. Someone to go to for emotional support with questions. I also don't plan on being this heavy next time we get pregnant. I know it puts us at risk for so many more issues.
Anyways, other than that, we're trucking along. The hips are still extremely sore. I might be signing up for a water aerobics class on the weekends until pools open at the end of May. And I'm gaining too much weight. Already up to 301.6. I was 298 just a week ago. So I don't know how that's happening with a stricter diet, but it is.
As always, avoiding gestational diabetes and preeclampsia. But it's starting to feel more real. We're working on the nursery, and my family and friends are planning a shower... I could never envision our baby, because I had done so much of that with the first and then he disappeared into nothing but wishes and dreams. This time, as I feel her kick her daddy's hand (happened for the first time two nights ago) she feels more real. And I think she'll be here. I am starting to believe it. And have faith in my body. And counseling is helping me see that thinking negative thoughts doesn't counteract positive actions. I can be positive, see positive outcomes, and still have good things happen.
Emily
That all being said, my stomach hurts.
Mostly up high, like under my chest and above my belly button. It wakes me up at night sometimes. and it itches. the itching! My boobs are sore, and my bras are definitely too tight. (new ones ordered). I feel "lightning crotch" a lot. It shoots from my lower pelvic area down my crotch. And that similar sensation can be felt all over my stomach. I know it's from her growing, but it still always makes me worried.
Next appointment is June 1st, and I will be asking the doctor if they check the cord again. My mom was told that her son was born with his cord wrapped around his neck in a knot (he was stillborn) so I'm uber nervous about anything involving cords. I want to know if that is being monitored. And a friend I work with has a sister in a high risk pregnacny, and the doctor took the time to show her an ultrasound of the cord and that it was not wrapped around the baby's neck.
What i'm learning is that this process is so dependent on your OB. if you get one really hands-on, you will get far more information and support. I think next time I will be hiring a midwife for these long months. Someone to go to for emotional support with questions. I also don't plan on being this heavy next time we get pregnant. I know it puts us at risk for so many more issues.
Anyways, other than that, we're trucking along. The hips are still extremely sore. I might be signing up for a water aerobics class on the weekends until pools open at the end of May. And I'm gaining too much weight. Already up to 301.6. I was 298 just a week ago. So I don't know how that's happening with a stricter diet, but it is.
As always, avoiding gestational diabetes and preeclampsia. But it's starting to feel more real. We're working on the nursery, and my family and friends are planning a shower... I could never envision our baby, because I had done so much of that with the first and then he disappeared into nothing but wishes and dreams. This time, as I feel her kick her daddy's hand (happened for the first time two nights ago) she feels more real. And I think she'll be here. I am starting to believe it. And have faith in my body. And counseling is helping me see that thinking negative thoughts doesn't counteract positive actions. I can be positive, see positive outcomes, and still have good things happen.
Emily
Monday, May 9, 2016
24 weeks and feeling pregnant
As we delve deeper into this pregnancy, I feel like I'm speaking less and less about hematomas, clotting, and blood disorders. For that, I apologize. But I think the logging of symptoms and this pregnancy are important going forward. Either if things go well, or not, then I have something to look back on.
I am now 24 weeks, 3 days. We have 15 weeks left until our life is changing forever.
She wants my fasting to be under 95, and my after eating to be below 145. So far the highest I've gone is 148, otherwise I'm around 130, 120 ish. I have, however, noticed that I dropped weight. I was down to 298 this morning. So it seems as though carefully monitoring my intake and eating 6 small meals a day is helping. For that, I am grateful. Even though my fingers hurt, this is a great thing for me to retrain my body.
I am now 24 weeks, 3 days. We have 15 weeks left until our life is changing forever.
I didn't get to see her at our last appointment, and it sounds like if I want to see her again I'll have to pay to go somewhere on my own. We are debating that, but it's very expensive, and might not be something we need to do. At the appointment I gained 3 lbs, but that was because I was weighed after work. My last appointments were all in the morning, and my daily weigh-in is not changing. I would have been 299 or 300, but not 302.6 (which is what it was at their office).
My doctor told me I'd need to go back and do two more glucose tests - this week, and again at 28 weeks. or I could opt to treat myself like I had Gestational Diabetes, and monitor my blood sugars daily. Since I don't want to use another day off to get stabbed at the blood place, I opted to monitor at home. My fingers are sore and bruised already, but it's getting easier. And my sugars have been well below the limits except for Saturday when I had McDonalds, which, I knew wouldn't be a good thing.
She wants my fasting to be under 95, and my after eating to be below 145. So far the highest I've gone is 148, otherwise I'm around 130, 120 ish. I have, however, noticed that I dropped weight. I was down to 298 this morning. So it seems as though carefully monitoring my intake and eating 6 small meals a day is helping. For that, I am grateful. Even though my fingers hurt, this is a great thing for me to retrain my body.
Anyways, I was pretty active this weekend. Went to the barn and saw my mom's horse, went to lunch and on Saturday I spent an hour in therapy. All of that moving around has my hips aching today. Very painful, but I'm glad this week at work should be pretty low-key. I am hoping to sit as much as possible. And then we have two more weeks and POOLS OPEN! I cannot wait to get in the water. My new swim suit came (from target, and it fits perfectly!) And I'm ready for that. I want to add exercise back in, but don't want my hips to hurt like they do. I do think that by the end of this I will not have gained any weight. we are being very vigilant, and once I can add exercise back in, I know we'll get even better.
For me? That is huge. Food and weight rules me, but I'm learning how strong I am, and how I can control my body, and this is going to be great going into the future.
Some other things -- last night baby girl changed her moving. It was less like kicks, and more like I could feel her shifting around. I think she's getting bigger and I can really feel her movement now. Well over a pound now, she is a force to be reckoned with! This morning she kicked my side and I felt it on my arm! And she is also kicking my butt. I know that's weird? I thought it was gas, but I'm pretty sure it's actually her. So she's a moving baby. There are still slow times, and I tell her to wake up baby, let me know you're okay. And she usually does. And when she hears her daddy's voice she stops moving entirely and listens. Then when he stops talking she goes nuts.
It's amazing, that she is such a little person already. :)
Yesterday my mom and I started planning out the nursery. I think it's going to be cute. Pink, purple and gray with carousel horses! And now all I need furniture-wise is a changing table. Which should be pretty easy to find to match the room (white).
I love this little girl so much. I want her so badly, and I am so eager for everything to go okay. So, prayers are going up constantly for her to make it here healthy and happy.
Oh, another thing! I FOUND A BABYSITTER! Ahhhhh. Sooooo freaking relieved. We have to go meet her and make sure everyone gets along, but we have a babysiter, she's taking one baby this fall, and we'll go part time. So my husband can stay in school and still work a day or two. it's going to be very,very tight money-wise, and we could really use some help with bills, but she is affordable enough that we can do two days a week, and maaaybe three if something changes by then (i.e. I get a raise).
So, things are falling into place. <3 Therapy is also helping me see that I can be happy. I don't have to be sad to make things have a positive outcome. I don't have that kind of control, so I'm trying to just let go, have faith, pray, and love this child.
-Emily
Monday, April 18, 2016
Monday Morning Check-In / "Get off my pelvis, baby"
OMG this child is riding so low. I have some days of relief, but others I swear she is just going to tunnel her way out. I hope that as she gets bigger she grows upward and not just out!
The pressure is down low, just above my pubic bone. I tried laying with my legs up on the wall and that helped, but didn't seem to motivate her to move! :)
This morning I was having some of my bad thoughts, so I used the doppler to make sure she was okay. Found her right away. Over the weekend I used the last piece of toilet paper on the roll, and I don't know if you've ever done that, but the dye in the glue they use is pink, so I thought I was spotting. It was HORRIFYING. But I figured it out, and then relaxed and everything was okay. Although I do feel like I overdid it this weekend, so I tried to just take it easy and relax as much as possible. I will not walk today, because I think I need a little break.
I also had my first meeting with a new therapist this weekend. I think she stirred up some emotions, because I was a weepy mess the rest of the weekend, but it's a healing process. And I'm glad we're starting it. She is the first counselor to tell me that she thinks I'm smart and capable of doing what I want. And this morning I woke up with a new plan in my mind - getting my MBA in International management. I've toyed with the idea before, but it really nicely guides my career towards an international focus, and I think Ican do it now. I really think I can. So that's going on my longterm bucket list, and I need to figure out if they make scholarships for graduate students.
Anywho, I don't know. She's great, and we're going to deal with my anxiety first. She suggested doing the adult coloring books, and I tried one this weekend while I was feeling panicky and it did help. So I'm going to keep doing it. She recommended doing it at work when I'm on calls, or starting to feel very overwhelmed. SO I brought in one page and some pencils today as an "emergency coloring station".
She also said that I've gone through a lot in the last year, and it all adds up and I need to let it go. I love her, she is going to be amazing, and we are going to accomplish so much. This fearful, quiet, sour Emily is not who I am. I know there is a strong, ambitious, confident, even cocky Emily in there. I need to send down a rope ladder and help her climb out of the darkness.
Also - in case you are wondering, I will not be getting back on any SSRIs until after delivery. Apparently it can cause colicy babies, and also something called "floppy baby syndrom" where they are not motivated to breathe and we'd have to have NICU on stand by. So we're going to try to cope with the mounting anxiety with counseling, and if I start getting panic attacks again it's an option to go back on the meds, but I think I'll be okay.
Some other symptoms this week -
Okkaaay I guess that's it for today. Some exciting things -
I ordered Orgain powder (organic protein supplement) in a big cannister so I can start drinking that regularly and cut out the synthetic stuff from Slim Fast (the protein drinks help a lot. If I don't have enough protein I get pretty nauseous). I also ordered BioOil to try on my tummy stretch marks, and I got a new dress from LuLaRoe that should be arriving today, and I can't wait to see if it fits.
Alright, now that's it!
-Emily
The pressure is down low, just above my pubic bone. I tried laying with my legs up on the wall and that helped, but didn't seem to motivate her to move! :)
This morning I was having some of my bad thoughts, so I used the doppler to make sure she was okay. Found her right away. Over the weekend I used the last piece of toilet paper on the roll, and I don't know if you've ever done that, but the dye in the glue they use is pink, so I thought I was spotting. It was HORRIFYING. But I figured it out, and then relaxed and everything was okay. Although I do feel like I overdid it this weekend, so I tried to just take it easy and relax as much as possible. I will not walk today, because I think I need a little break.
I also had my first meeting with a new therapist this weekend. I think she stirred up some emotions, because I was a weepy mess the rest of the weekend, but it's a healing process. And I'm glad we're starting it. She is the first counselor to tell me that she thinks I'm smart and capable of doing what I want. And this morning I woke up with a new plan in my mind - getting my MBA in International management. I've toyed with the idea before, but it really nicely guides my career towards an international focus, and I think Ican do it now. I really think I can. So that's going on my longterm bucket list, and I need to figure out if they make scholarships for graduate students.
Anywho, I don't know. She's great, and we're going to deal with my anxiety first. She suggested doing the adult coloring books, and I tried one this weekend while I was feeling panicky and it did help. So I'm going to keep doing it. She recommended doing it at work when I'm on calls, or starting to feel very overwhelmed. SO I brought in one page and some pencils today as an "emergency coloring station".
She also said that I've gone through a lot in the last year, and it all adds up and I need to let it go. I love her, she is going to be amazing, and we are going to accomplish so much. This fearful, quiet, sour Emily is not who I am. I know there is a strong, ambitious, confident, even cocky Emily in there. I need to send down a rope ladder and help her climb out of the darkness.
Also - in case you are wondering, I will not be getting back on any SSRIs until after delivery. Apparently it can cause colicy babies, and also something called "floppy baby syndrom" where they are not motivated to breathe and we'd have to have NICU on stand by. So we're going to try to cope with the mounting anxiety with counseling, and if I start getting panic attacks again it's an option to go back on the meds, but I think I'll be okay.
Some other symptoms this week -
- My nipples are turning lighter... which is so weird... And hopefully okay....
- The little things on them that produce oil are appearing to be producing oil? I need to see if that's possible this early.
- Veins on my belly are popping up, which I looked into and it's not vericose veins, it's just that everything gets smooshed to the surface.
- I am extremely irritable with everything.
- I finished watching The Office (9 seasons!) and had a massive cry fest because I felt like I was losing my best friends.
- One of my best friends is pregnant, and I am overjoyed to share in the experience with someone, but scared that she is going to have a healthy pregnancy and I'll lose the baby again (she was pregnant when I was last time). So I am grappling with that paradox.
- I still don't really have a "baby bump" -- I know I am plus size, but even the heaviest girls on my boards are quite large now. I am hoping it's just that my body has tight riding muscles and it's my first that's keeping everything so compact (especially with a big girl in there), but I do worry.
- I Passed my diabetes test! I should have probably led with that! I passed the three hour screening! I am still going to treat it as if I am diabetic, because doing so helped me lose TWO LBS in a week. I am actually down to 298, which is still below where I really started in this process. Insanity. But yea, not diabetic, hooray!
- I am so forgetful. "baby brain" is very real, and very constant. In fact, I thinkI might have already posted about the diabetes...
- See above bullet, but working is very hard. I'm extremely tired, irritable, and forgetful. I don't know how I'm going to make it 4 more months. Just trying my best. I see why so many women don't come back, though. I feel like the mornings are a battle of me versus work right now. I just could sleep for hours.
Okkaaay I guess that's it for today. Some exciting things -
I ordered Orgain powder (organic protein supplement) in a big cannister so I can start drinking that regularly and cut out the synthetic stuff from Slim Fast (the protein drinks help a lot. If I don't have enough protein I get pretty nauseous). I also ordered BioOil to try on my tummy stretch marks, and I got a new dress from LuLaRoe that should be arriving today, and I can't wait to see if it fits.
Alright, now that's it!
-Emily
Wednesday, April 13, 2016
Sugar
So I officially failed my hour glucose screen, the goal is under 140, and my score was 150. So today I went back and did the three hour glucose test to see if I have gestational diabetes.
If you can avoid this, I recommend doing so at all costs. It involved four blood draws (and one failed poke, so five total). The first hour and a half I thought I was going to pass out and really thought I was going to throw up and I fought through it because I did NOT want to start over again. By hour two, I felt great! like my body had kicked into gear and was processing the sugar.
All in all, I say it's not as bad as I thought it would be, but also not a barrel of laughs. So if you can eat healthy and avoid failing your hour screening, do it. Because this sucks.
That being said, for the past two days I've been following the diabetic guidelines for eating, and I actually lost two lbs! Down to 297. So I think, regardless of the results, I am going to try to stick with this method of eating and know that I am prone to it (my mother and aunt both have diabetes). I don't want to test my sugars all day, but having counseling and strict guidelines would help me, I think. So while I'm not wishing for a positive by any means, at least some good will come out of this.
Some other weird stuff, the green goo came back ,and then disappeared again. My doctor prescribed more flagyl, but I am waiting to take it to see if it returns. My rash comes and goes, but it's gone right now. And it is an incredibly GORGEOUS day here, 61 degrees and sunny, so I'm going to get out for a walk tonight. The baby has moved up off my pelvis (I honestly laid with my legs up on the wall for about two hours on Monday, and I think it worked). So I am getting out there. No excuses left. I also ordered a pair of maternity capris from old navy which should make working out more comfortable.
So that's my update today. If I get news about test results from my doctor tomrorow I will share them. At this point, I'm just leaving it out there and not going to worry about it, because there's nothing I can do. Oh, and I'm uploading a chart my coworker and I created to help me through some anxiety. Who knows, it might help someone else.
-Emily
If you can avoid this, I recommend doing so at all costs. It involved four blood draws (and one failed poke, so five total). The first hour and a half I thought I was going to pass out and really thought I was going to throw up and I fought through it because I did NOT want to start over again. By hour two, I felt great! like my body had kicked into gear and was processing the sugar.
All in all, I say it's not as bad as I thought it would be, but also not a barrel of laughs. So if you can eat healthy and avoid failing your hour screening, do it. Because this sucks.
That being said, for the past two days I've been following the diabetic guidelines for eating, and I actually lost two lbs! Down to 297. So I think, regardless of the results, I am going to try to stick with this method of eating and know that I am prone to it (my mother and aunt both have diabetes). I don't want to test my sugars all day, but having counseling and strict guidelines would help me, I think. So while I'm not wishing for a positive by any means, at least some good will come out of this.
Some other weird stuff, the green goo came back ,and then disappeared again. My doctor prescribed more flagyl, but I am waiting to take it to see if it returns. My rash comes and goes, but it's gone right now. And it is an incredibly GORGEOUS day here, 61 degrees and sunny, so I'm going to get out for a walk tonight. The baby has moved up off my pelvis (I honestly laid with my legs up on the wall for about two hours on Monday, and I think it worked). So I am getting out there. No excuses left. I also ordered a pair of maternity capris from old navy which should make working out more comfortable.
So that's my update today. If I get news about test results from my doctor tomrorow I will share them. At this point, I'm just leaving it out there and not going to worry about it, because there's nothing I can do. Oh, and I'm uploading a chart my coworker and I created to help me through some anxiety. Who knows, it might help someone else.
-Emily
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