It's a new dawn, it's a new day, and I'm feeling good.

I will tell you one thing about charting cycles--there is very little mystery leftover once you are counting down hours to ovulation. I can absolutely see how OBs tell their patients struggling to conceive to stop worrying and just have fun. Once you realize that your female reproductive system is *TYPICALLY* a well oiled machine, the chance of it going off track becomes less and less.

I preface this post with that, because my husband cracked under pressure, and we momentarily lapsed in our "abstinence until Ireland" (not exactly abstinence, but you get my point). But since I know my chart like the back of my hand, I am 90% certain there is no chance of conception. Not like I'm rooting for it, as you know, there is a lot on my plate right now, but it is kind of ... boring (that's not the right word at all)... comforting? predictable?? knowing your body's rhythms. We are just about 3 days shy of it being even a slight chance. 

Anyways, that's not what I'm here to talk about today. I'm here to talk about preparations for ttc. And since we are playing with fire, I have no fully loaded on the primary conception plans-

1. aspirin
2. prenatals
3. vitex
4. glucosamine
5. vinegar 
6. cinnamon
7. Progesterone 1 day post ovulation

In January, I will add back in Cayenne pepper and wheat grass, as well as start drinking my nettle tea each morning. 

I did end up calling the specialist, and they confirmed my phospholipid panels all came back negative. So, according to modern science, there is nothing wrong with me. I am not so convinced. I just found out a friend of mine from one of my hematoma boards who lost a baby at 20 weeks to a SCH was diagnosed with not one, but two hematomas in her current pregnancy. There is a chance they will break up and disappear, as that is the more common outcome for women, and those of us who have lost because of it might just be more sensitive to their appearance. But I think that, when it comes to bodies, there is so much science we don't understand yet, and this is a highly under-researched condition. And I do not believe they are flukes or chance. She was on all of the medicines I am taking, she took all the precautions, and yet here we are, more hematomas. More question marks and fear in a pregnancy that should be a boring 9 months. I will keep researching and putting what I find here, but I am not convinced that because I tested negative for phospholipid clotting problems or Leiden Factor V that there isn't something else going on. I guess we'll find out in my next pregnancy if we get another SCH. . . and the pregnancy after that... and the pregnancy after that. 

I also wanted to share something weird with you. Due to current work conditions, house-buying conditions, and other stress factors in my life, I developed an eye spasm last week. It was pretty bad, and it comes and goes when I am in stressful situations. So I was reading about cures last night trying to find SOMETHING to help. I stumbled on a blog of a girl who was told by her eye doctor to try Tonic Water. She said it cured hers, and any time it flared up, she'd drink tonic water and it'd stop. Tonic Water has quinine, a smashed up bitter root that is considered a muscle relaxant. Well, my husband brought home diet tonic water, and I drank half the bottle (after a. a glass of wine to relax me further and b. filling it with Mio cause tonic SUCKS) and no twitch today! It's also my first day back at work in a stressful environment after Thanksgiving and still no twitch!!! I will finish off the bottle tonight. So there you go - a life hack. Tonic Water = Kills Eye Spasms.

Alright, it's cyber Monday. Off to go find some deals and cross off Christmas lists. 

-Emily

Great Links

The Great Sperm Race:

So I enjoy this eve from a non baby-obsessed mindset. It's sex ed all rolled up into an interesting film:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gAnMymnJiLM&list=PLCDECC6C14006053D


How often should we be ... doing it:

http://www.iflscience.com/health-and-medicine/more-sex-gets-you-pregnant

Well hello there, November.

Tut tut, it is mid November and I am way behind on my life goals. I don't know how I got so derailed from my  "LOSE WEIGHT!" "TAKE SUPPLEMENTS!" "WORKOUT!" goals, but perhaps it is crushing depression, an inexplicable fear of success, and distractions.

Or maybe I'm just lazy.

That all being said, it is mid-November. Which means, you guessed it! We are ALMOST THERE for TTC THB #1 (read: Trying to conceive Take Home Baby #1). My husband and I agreed on January Ireland trip to start trying again. So now I am ready to start prepping my womb, body, mind and soul for the journey we are about to undertake. 

Step 1: Negativity be-gone
I have really struggled this past month to not hate myself and what I do. Counseling helps, but when you are your biggest antagonist, and you live with yourself 24/7, it is hard to keep positivity up. I have been reading some psychology magazines and articles, and I am pretty sure I suffer from a condition called "doesn't ever vent anger, so bottles it up and makes herself into a victim". That is a real thing, I swear! If you have no means or outlet for anger, you try to justify and rationalize the feelings. When you do this, you internalize everything and start thinking that everything is unfair to YOU (well, me). "My friends all had babies successfully" "My friends all are able to lose weight without struggle" "No one else struggles financially" ... I must just have a bad streak of luck. Well friends, that is not true. I have an amazing husband, an INCREDIBLE family, a wonderful support system of friends. I am not a victim in any way except to myself. These next few months will be spent healing and trying to soften the blows of the punches I throw at myself. And also trying to emotionally get excited for this process and the nine month (hopefully) pregnancy. I have continually written on here that I don't feel like I'll ever get a take home baby. And maybe not. But we're going to try to be as positive as possible going forward. 

Step 2: Fixing My Body
It needs 30 days for most people to form a habit. But for me, I can't seem to get past about 14 before something 'epic' and life-changing happens that makes me want to celebrate with food. And instead of nudging myself back in the right direction, I go all out and stop exercising and eat McDonalds. That can't be my strategy going forward. For the next two and a half months everything I do needs to be done for me and ALSO for the baby. Because I'm not just eating Lays potato chips for me, but also I'm creating the future home of our child, and I need to protect my body as much as I would protect our baby. 


Step 3: Facing fears
I am not strong sometimes. I will admit that. I am a submissive person by nature. I have a big personality, but my instinct is to duck and run when danger or confrontation arises. But I am realizing that those responses show a disrespect for myself, and I am NOT stupid or incapable. SO I am going to take Papa Roach's advice and Face Everything and Rise. (Papa Roach is my muse, I guess).  Facing fears will involve tackling certain tasks that I have been avoiding, confidently and outwardly addressing problems I have with people face-to-face at the time it happens, and making sure I fix myself up to prepare myself for all of these situations. A good friend of mine told me to get some new work clothes so I feel confident and powerful. I tried getting dressed up today and it worked. I do feel stronger (it could also be the Starbucks frappucino, but I am hoping it's also the clothes and shoes). So, a trip to JCP during their big sales is in order. Even though money is tight, I need some superficial confidence to get through these fear-facing moments. And trust me, I'm a very timid person. 


Step 4: Supplement party
I've listed here before what I plan to take as we start to try again. Starting now through January, I will gradually be adding back in the full regime so those little zygotes have a strong foothold in the world. 

November
Multi-vitamin prenatal
Glucosamine (for my knees, not for baby) 
Vitex (to lengthen my luteal phase) 

December
All of the above Plus
Vinegar (with the Mother - so it is actually potent, fibroids, general health) 
Switch to naturally occurring folate-filled prenatal (in case  I can't digest folic acid in its synthetic form)
Cinnamon (to counteract the glucosamine and regulate blood sugar) 

January 
All of the above Plus
Aspirin (to prevent clotting)
Wheatgrass (dunno, read it somewhere, worth a try to help body heal) 
Cayenne Pepper (another healing agent)

I will also start tracking my BBT (read: Basal Body Temperature) starting on CD 1 (read: cycle day 1, meaning first day of period) (which SHOULD be tomorrow). The tracking will help me understand when I ovulate, and the length of the luteal phase.

Luteal Phase Aside: The length of the luteal phase can effect pregnancies. If your body does not produce enough progesterone after ovulation, the zygote can't implant in the uterus successfully. The progesterone dries up and the uterus sheds its lining too quickly. This can be checked by monitoring your ovulation day with your first day of your period. If it is below 10 days, then you have a shortened luteal phase. (mine is appearing to be around 10, i think optimal is 12) I am fairly confident this hurt our pregnancy--the egg implanted, but pulled away because the lining was not thick enough, and my luteal phase was too short. I have been taking Vitex and it seems to be lengthening my cycle. However, I did not understand the importance of the luteal phase the first time around, and most of my BBT tracking disappeared (Glow Users - if you have a miscarriage and put that into your account, it will wipe all of your data. Which is just wonderful once you are already suffering.)  Aside Finished. 

After ovulation, I will take progesterone each day for nine days until my period. That will help the body produce enough progesterone to develop the lining of the uterus, but by taking it after ovulation you are not restricting ovulation (too much progesterone can tell your body not to drop and egg). 

My specialist has progesterone on order for me, but I also have some left over from last time. Hopefully the new order won't be vaginal, because I've watched a blog (with images) on that, and it gets pretty nasty up in thurr with vaginal progesterone. Yikes.

A note on Vitex - they say to stop taking immediately if you get pregnant, but story after story shows that women who took it several weeks into their pregnancy were fine and had no issues, and if they stopped taking it they lost the baby. It's a personal choice, but I think I will continue taking it until we get a successful "no hematoma" report. Praying for that day... 

Step 5: Not Caring

So, now you know that my day will be centered around tracking, tracking, tracking, and pills. Which kind of takes the fun out of the "T" in "trying to conceive". But don't worry, we are going to go about our lives and just be married. And have fun. I am definitely able to separate the two things, and it won't be an "OMG IT'S TIME" type situation. We're going to just enjoy life and see what it throws at us. My husband truly believes it will happen the first try again, but I am not convinced. Bodies don't work like that. So I think we'll realistically have until spring before this all works and I have any kind of positive. (but one can hope we get pregnant in Ireland with an Irish baby and we have the baby around Halloween - the best time of the year). 

Okay, that is all for today. I am going to also post a really interesting article about having sex all month even when trying to conceive. Apparently your body is distracted, or used to the semen, so it doesn't attack as hard when your cervical mucus 'ladders' are down. Also, another thing I will post is the BEST conception video I've ever seen. 

Emily

Adrift in a sea of craziness

There's a lot going on right now. I'm not gonna lie, I'm pretty overwhelmed.

But this is a good overwhelmed, it is a lot of change, and that is something I've been missing in my life for the past few years. 

So first things first, I never called the doctor back. I need to do that. I don't know why I haven't. I guess part of me doesn't want to know, and another part of me thinks it's all fine that is why I haven't heard from him, and ANOTHER part of me thinks it's their responsibility to call me if I have some horrible life changing problem. (Right?!) 

I guess with that in mind, there is probably no problem. And then the "I should still call them" cycle begins again.  Maybe  I will just do it today and get it over with. Bleh. 

Well, we put a bid on a house, and they accepted, so it looks like we are buying a house. We were preapproved for a loan, so now we just have to make sure we can get that loan, and the inspection is Thursday. Something feels right about getting a house before a baby. The master has a nursery attached, so we'll have a baby room attached to our room. There are two bedrooms, so we'll have a guest room, and eventually the baby will move into that room. And there is a finished basement. It's everything we need. As much as I miss Scrumbles, I know that our next baby will be so much happier growing up in an incredible neighborhood, with a house to call his/her own, and a puppy to snuggle with, and a better life than what we would have had just a few months ago. I am pretty excited, and happy that it's happening so soon.

My husband is insisting we wait until we go to Ireland before we start trying again. As much as I want to be angry at him for it, I do think it makes the most sense. I want to be pregnant so badly, and I'm watching as my baby boards friends are all conceiving. I feel like we are wasting time on an arbitrary date. But I know we will have more fun and be more relaxed if we aren't worried about the pregnacny. The stress of traveling, the concern about flying, drinking Whiskey. I know it will be magical if we can experience the trip together. But my biological clock doesn't stop ticking just because I tell it to. And now that we have a REAL LIFE HOUSE in an incredible city it feels even more important to get pregnant. I think we will have to temper that desire with staying busy, exercising, and working on getting the house move-in ready.We also volunteered to have either Christmas or New Years parties, so it will be really fun to be with family and friends around the holidays in our new place. We sign on December 18, which means we will have a house for Christmas. I know that 2016 is going to be a better year. I know it is going to be full of changes and love and building new things and experiences. I cannot wait. 

Alright, changing gears. I am going to tell you a little story. Three months ago I had a second trimester miscarriage. I holed myself away from social events, society, and people. I decided that by Halloween I would be ready to go back out, and that timing was pretty accurate. In that time, my close friends stuck by me, but I was still keeping them at an arm's length. I hadn't seen any extended family since 4th of July. When Halloween rolled around and I was ready to get back out there and live my life, what I realized is that no one was there waiting for me. My friends had forgotten me. Life went on. They made plans without me. I half expected a last minute Halloween party to pop up. We did get two offers, but one was with a friend who hadn't talked to me or asked how I was doing or even knew we had a miscarriage. So. No. The other was a friend who was going to her mom's house. And as fun as that would have been, we would have been the awkward couple that tagged along. 

I guess it taught me a valuable lesson. and that lesson is stick with your family. and don't waste time with people who don't care about you. And that I am a changed person. And there is really no going back. That life before was different, and I feel now how truly connected I am to my husband and how we have eachother and need to stick with each other no matter how bad the world around us gets. I love him so much. 

So, after waking up on November 1st and feeling very alone (not alone alone, but alone in the friends area) I made this list. It is going to be how I live my life from now on. Even though I am incredibly shy, this list will be my new mantra: 

BE KIND
BE CLEAR
BE BRAVE
DON'T WASTE TIME (on people that don't matter)
BE EFFICIENT 
BE CALM
BREATHE

You are welcome to use my list. :) I am finding it helps tremendously in all things. 

Emily