Friday was an interesting day. Friday was a day that I think I might have hit rock bottom in my life - physically, emotionally, financially.
With the buying of the house, we are reassessing our finances, and I am seeing just how much money I have spent over the past three months trying to fill the void in my womb with... "stuff". Skirts, clothes, trips, chairs, furniture, food, anything that isn't baby-focused, I am buying it. We are so in debt right now. It adds up so quickly--doctor bills, medical bills, house assessments, inspections... it all went on the credit card as we saved money to pay for the house.
So, we are in debt, it's Christmas, our monthly payments are about to double, and we planned this trip to Ireland on a lark, that now we are mostly just dreading because we have to pay for it. I feel sick to my stomach.
Speaking of stomachs, I am eating like a cow. I mean, just filling my stomach until it is tight and then stretches out again.I'm always hungry, and I've now peaked at 300 lbs .... I am back down to 296, but "down to 296" doesn't really seem like a positive set of words to me.
The Chris Powell plan I was doing worked really well, but then my 'accountability partner' never started, so I was on my own, and of course the machine took back over. I am hoping to start it again once I am positive we are not pregnant again. (torque and jumping around with a potential pregnancy seems dangerous since hematomas are so questionable, i am just trying to stay calm and low-key).
Anyways, Friday I realized I should be 8 months pregnant. I should be huge, with a big belly, and everyone taking bets on what day I am due. But instead I made a massive mistake at work that cost us a lot of money, my husband and I are constantly on edge with each other, and I feel so utterly worthless as a woman as I am reliving the events of July 31st with vivid clarity.
Nothing I do seems successful. I am seeing myself as a total failure. Apparently a side effect of progesterone is "worry" and "depression" and I can say that I have definitely felt those emotions amp up. But it could also be the holiday season. Everyone I know (I know that is hyperbole, but since I am 27 and most of my friends are just now married/newlyweds, it's not far off) is pregnant or posting their one-month-old baby pictures. So Friday night I was an utter mess. The sobbing--it was the raking, choking, whole body shaking sobbing--from July. I felt utter despair. I was lost. I am lost. I am spinning my wheels. My brain is officially burning more calories worrying and thinking about things than my body is working out. The calm I found over the past few months of controlling my food and exercising daily is gone and replaced with what I can only describe as the "worst version of Emily" I have ever seen.
I have also been taking pregnancy tests like a crazy maniac. They are, of course, all negative. Not only was it too soon, but we also missed the most fertile window, and the odds are so slim. That being said, my BBT (which should be dropping dramatically as we head into AF time) is rising steadily, and it is as high as it was when I was pregnant. So I am confused, and hopeful, and scared, and concerned that I'm not doing the right thing. Then add on house stress, and the weight gain.
I don't know. I am just so unhappy with how weak I feel. My husband did not marry this woman. I was not obsessed with babies, and I certainly didn't weigh 300 lbs when we met. And I don't think I'd like myself if I met me. But it seems so hard to change. So hard to get my mind back on track. How do I get it to stop careening down a path to self destruction?
I guess all we can do is try harder, and stop worrying about a. what other people think and b. about failing. That is all I can do. I want to pull myself out of this hole, but it is quite dark and quiet and cozy down here. So I might just leave myself here until Christmas has passed.
-Emily
P.S. I cried at a Target commercial. A TARGET COMMERCIAL.
P.P.S. I cried at the Thanksgiving episode of The Goldbergs. My hormones are a wreck.
Showing posts with label blood clot. Show all posts
Showing posts with label blood clot. Show all posts
Monday, December 14, 2015
Tuesday, November 3, 2015
Adrift in a sea of craziness
There's a lot going on right now. I'm not gonna lie, I'm pretty overwhelmed.
But this is a good overwhelmed, it is a lot of change, and that is something I've been missing in my life for the past few years.
So first things first, I never called the doctor back. I need to do that. I don't know why I haven't. I guess part of me doesn't want to know, and another part of me thinks it's all fine that is why I haven't heard from him, and ANOTHER part of me thinks it's their responsibility to call me if I have some horrible life changing problem. (Right?!)
I guess with that in mind, there is probably no problem. And then the "I should still call them" cycle begins again. Maybe I will just do it today and get it over with. Bleh.
Well, we put a bid on a house, and they accepted, so it looks like we are buying a house. We were preapproved for a loan, so now we just have to make sure we can get that loan, and the inspection is Thursday. Something feels right about getting a house before a baby. The master has a nursery attached, so we'll have a baby room attached to our room. There are two bedrooms, so we'll have a guest room, and eventually the baby will move into that room. And there is a finished basement. It's everything we need. As much as I miss Scrumbles, I know that our next baby will be so much happier growing up in an incredible neighborhood, with a house to call his/her own, and a puppy to snuggle with, and a better life than what we would have had just a few months ago. I am pretty excited, and happy that it's happening so soon.
My husband is insisting we wait until we go to Ireland before we start trying again. As much as I want to be angry at him for it, I do think it makes the most sense. I want to be pregnant so badly, and I'm watching as my baby boards friends are all conceiving. I feel like we are wasting time on an arbitrary date. But I know we will have more fun and be more relaxed if we aren't worried about the pregnacny. The stress of traveling, the concern about flying, drinking Whiskey. I know it will be magical if we can experience the trip together. But my biological clock doesn't stop ticking just because I tell it to. And now that we have a REAL LIFE HOUSE in an incredible city it feels even more important to get pregnant. I think we will have to temper that desire with staying busy, exercising, and working on getting the house move-in ready.We also volunteered to have either Christmas or New Years parties, so it will be really fun to be with family and friends around the holidays in our new place. We sign on December 18, which means we will have a house for Christmas. I know that 2016 is going to be a better year. I know it is going to be full of changes and love and building new things and experiences. I cannot wait.
Alright, changing gears. I am going to tell you a little story. Three months ago I had a second trimester miscarriage. I holed myself away from social events, society, and people. I decided that by Halloween I would be ready to go back out, and that timing was pretty accurate. In that time, my close friends stuck by me, but I was still keeping them at an arm's length. I hadn't seen any extended family since 4th of July. When Halloween rolled around and I was ready to get back out there and live my life, what I realized is that no one was there waiting for me. My friends had forgotten me. Life went on. They made plans without me. I half expected a last minute Halloween party to pop up. We did get two offers, but one was with a friend who hadn't talked to me or asked how I was doing or even knew we had a miscarriage. So. No. The other was a friend who was going to her mom's house. And as fun as that would have been, we would have been the awkward couple that tagged along.
I guess it taught me a valuable lesson. and that lesson is stick with your family. and don't waste time with people who don't care about you. And that I am a changed person. And there is really no going back. That life before was different, and I feel now how truly connected I am to my husband and how we have eachother and need to stick with each other no matter how bad the world around us gets. I love him so much.
So, after waking up on November 1st and feeling very alone (not alone alone, but alone in the friends area) I made this list. It is going to be how I live my life from now on. Even though I am incredibly shy, this list will be my new mantra:
BE KIND
BE CLEAR
BE BRAVE
DON'T WASTE TIME (on people that don't matter)
BE EFFICIENT
BE CALM
BREATHE
You are welcome to use my list. :) I am finding it helps tremendously in all things.
Emily
But this is a good overwhelmed, it is a lot of change, and that is something I've been missing in my life for the past few years.
So first things first, I never called the doctor back. I need to do that. I don't know why I haven't. I guess part of me doesn't want to know, and another part of me thinks it's all fine that is why I haven't heard from him, and ANOTHER part of me thinks it's their responsibility to call me if I have some horrible life changing problem. (Right?!)
I guess with that in mind, there is probably no problem. And then the "I should still call them" cycle begins again. Maybe I will just do it today and get it over with. Bleh.
Well, we put a bid on a house, and they accepted, so it looks like we are buying a house. We were preapproved for a loan, so now we just have to make sure we can get that loan, and the inspection is Thursday. Something feels right about getting a house before a baby. The master has a nursery attached, so we'll have a baby room attached to our room. There are two bedrooms, so we'll have a guest room, and eventually the baby will move into that room. And there is a finished basement. It's everything we need. As much as I miss Scrumbles, I know that our next baby will be so much happier growing up in an incredible neighborhood, with a house to call his/her own, and a puppy to snuggle with, and a better life than what we would have had just a few months ago. I am pretty excited, and happy that it's happening so soon.
My husband is insisting we wait until we go to Ireland before we start trying again. As much as I want to be angry at him for it, I do think it makes the most sense. I want to be pregnant so badly, and I'm watching as my baby boards friends are all conceiving. I feel like we are wasting time on an arbitrary date. But I know we will have more fun and be more relaxed if we aren't worried about the pregnacny. The stress of traveling, the concern about flying, drinking Whiskey. I know it will be magical if we can experience the trip together. But my biological clock doesn't stop ticking just because I tell it to. And now that we have a REAL LIFE HOUSE in an incredible city it feels even more important to get pregnant. I think we will have to temper that desire with staying busy, exercising, and working on getting the house move-in ready.We also volunteered to have either Christmas or New Years parties, so it will be really fun to be with family and friends around the holidays in our new place. We sign on December 18, which means we will have a house for Christmas. I know that 2016 is going to be a better year. I know it is going to be full of changes and love and building new things and experiences. I cannot wait.
Alright, changing gears. I am going to tell you a little story. Three months ago I had a second trimester miscarriage. I holed myself away from social events, society, and people. I decided that by Halloween I would be ready to go back out, and that timing was pretty accurate. In that time, my close friends stuck by me, but I was still keeping them at an arm's length. I hadn't seen any extended family since 4th of July. When Halloween rolled around and I was ready to get back out there and live my life, what I realized is that no one was there waiting for me. My friends had forgotten me. Life went on. They made plans without me. I half expected a last minute Halloween party to pop up. We did get two offers, but one was with a friend who hadn't talked to me or asked how I was doing or even knew we had a miscarriage. So. No. The other was a friend who was going to her mom's house. And as fun as that would have been, we would have been the awkward couple that tagged along.
I guess it taught me a valuable lesson. and that lesson is stick with your family. and don't waste time with people who don't care about you. And that I am a changed person. And there is really no going back. That life before was different, and I feel now how truly connected I am to my husband and how we have eachother and need to stick with each other no matter how bad the world around us gets. I love him so much.
So, after waking up on November 1st and feeling very alone (not alone alone, but alone in the friends area) I made this list. It is going to be how I live my life from now on. Even though I am incredibly shy, this list will be my new mantra:
BE KIND
BE CLEAR
BE BRAVE
DON'T WASTE TIME (on people that don't matter)
BE EFFICIENT
BE CALM
BREATHE
You are welcome to use my list. :) I am finding it helps tremendously in all things.
Emily
Thursday, August 13, 2015
I want to be pregnant.
We didn't have the easiest pregnancy. There was a lot of scariness, pain, and fear. But, I've never wanted anything more in my life than to be pregnant again. I loved having my little bean with me all the time. I loved having a secret world inside me. I loved having that connection with my husband, and how such a tiny little embryo changed our entire world.
My husband and I were so happy. I felt ... important. Not in a self serving or self-fulfilling way. I felt like I was doing important work. Like my job was valued and doing it well was important.
And I don't want another pregnancy to replace our angel baby. Because I know that will never happen. He is gone, and he was our first baby. The next babies will be our second, third, fourth, etc. children. But. All that being said, I want to be pregnant.
I am praying we get back on "normalcy" this month, so we can try again this fall. And, God willing, no hematomas and a sticky baby. I want the ultrasounds. The blood draws. If it means a happy, healthy fetus, I want it back. I'd do it all over again.
I know there are plans before it can happen again... my uterus cleaning itself out, my body getting in better shape, we really should even find a nicer living arrangement. But, my body is ready. I am ready. And I cannot WAIT until we get the chance to try again. Because this is what I was designed for.
-Emily
My husband and I were so happy. I felt ... important. Not in a self serving or self-fulfilling way. I felt like I was doing important work. Like my job was valued and doing it well was important.
And I don't want another pregnancy to replace our angel baby. Because I know that will never happen. He is gone, and he was our first baby. The next babies will be our second, third, fourth, etc. children. But. All that being said, I want to be pregnant.
I am praying we get back on "normalcy" this month, so we can try again this fall. And, God willing, no hematomas and a sticky baby. I want the ultrasounds. The blood draws. If it means a happy, healthy fetus, I want it back. I'd do it all over again.
I know there are plans before it can happen again... my uterus cleaning itself out, my body getting in better shape, we really should even find a nicer living arrangement. But, my body is ready. I am ready. And I cannot WAIT until we get the chance to try again. Because this is what I was designed for.
-Emily
Wednesday, August 5, 2015
Genetics
I am not a nurse. Or a doctor. Or a medical practitioner of any sort. My expertise is in marketing, entertainment, and writing.
However, since starting this journey to understand why my body failed, I have realized that I am for quite a bit of testing before we try again. On BabyCenter, there is currently a poll questioning if anyone women have any common health issues that might link us all together with these hematomas.
So far, the only confirmed correlation I've found is a blood clotting disease. But what I keep hearing is a sense that autoimmune diseases can also cause the hematoma. Also, if there are any ... i don't want to to say abruptions, but abnormalities in the uterus. (Either from a prior pregnancy, fibroids, cysts, etc.)
So, when we had our first big bleed on July 10th, the ultrasound technician saw a fibroid in my uterus by the baby. He did not seem concerned, but checkmark on one commonality.
Wondering about my genetics, I have asked my mother to compile a list of her 'issues' she had (she also lost a baby in her 9th month....) Here is a list of complications she's had:
However, since starting this journey to understand why my body failed, I have realized that I am for quite a bit of testing before we try again. On BabyCenter, there is currently a poll questioning if anyone women have any common health issues that might link us all together with these hematomas.
So far, the only confirmed correlation I've found is a blood clotting disease. But what I keep hearing is a sense that autoimmune diseases can also cause the hematoma. Also, if there are any ... i don't want to to say abruptions, but abnormalities in the uterus. (Either from a prior pregnancy, fibroids, cysts, etc.)
So, when we had our first big bleed on July 10th, the ultrasound technician saw a fibroid in my uterus by the baby. He did not seem concerned, but checkmark on one commonality.
Wondering about my genetics, I have asked my mother to compile a list of her 'issues' she had (she also lost a baby in her 9th month....) Here is a list of complications she's had:
1979 College – erythema nodosum
1983 TMJ surgery – repaired cartilage in jaw
1985 Miscarriage – blighted ovum 12 weeks followed by
D&C; followed by pulmonary embolism [hospitalization, several months on
blood thinner]
1988 Healthy baby (ME!) born
1989 Baby boy stillborn ‘cord compression’ / cord damage or
clotting?? in 3rd trimester @ 9 months
1991, 1995 Superficial thrombophlebitis left leg, right leg
1993 Deep vein thrombosis left leg
2001 Human parvovirus – was tested for lupus, Lyme,
and probably some other things
2008 Dislocated /frozen shoulder – rotator cuff repair
2010 Deep vein thrombosis left leg, hospitalization and
finally, diagnosis of Leiden Factor V
2013 Type 2 Diabetes
I may be missing something but I think this covers the
relevant oddball things.
So. Now we have some more evidence of things to look for. She was also tested multiple times for Lupus, which I have seen mentioned on BabyCenter.
Prepare the gallons of water, because this October I am going to need lots of vials of blood drawn!
-Emily
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)