It's been seven weeks now with our tiny human, and the world has shifted. Significantly.
I can't even explain how different things are, and I'm not sure it's worth trying. You will understand when you have children, or you already have children and you know what I mean.
There is a clear divide between pre and post baby, and it's like a whole separate life, and a whole different me. And to be honest, this new life is wonderfully scary. I'm not going to sugar-coat the mourning. I miss my 'freedom' and ability to do what I wanted when I wanted. If I could go back in time I would tell myself to take better advantage of that freedom. Now, everything is calculated and planned. Everything has to coordinate with the baby. And that's okay. It's also just exhausting.
She consumes our world and our energy. And I love that. I love having a purpose. She has given me new reasons to breathe.
I am also experimenting with my "mother's inutition". I've limited my board searching (to mostly POAS boards where women from my birth month pee on sticks to see if they're already pregnant. I do this not to judge, but partly out of jealousy. I miss being pregnant!!) We're doing this with our own instincts, and I think things have been running more smoothly.
She has a milk allergy, so we use Nutramigen. Everyone keeps telling us she'll get off the Nutramigen and onto regular formula soon. But you know what? She's gaining weight and happier than she's ever been. So I'm not worrying about switching her. She is allergic to my milk (dairy). So I am pumping and freezing while we get her leveled out. Eventually she'll get the breast milk, but for now, her baby acne and eczema has cleared up without my milk. We also have her on Aquafor and Eucerin baths. Poor thing has skin like her parents.
She's also tall (23") weighs 11.9 lbs and is a "mover" according to her pediatrician. She's rolling over from tummy to back and likes to hold her head up on her own. She rolls off of us when we're doing skin to skin.
She's amazing!!
So some fun products I'm trying -
We're installing our diaper sprayer, so I get to start using cloth as soon as it's functional! We have about 20 all in one diapers, so I'm hoping that will get us through two days, and then disposables at night. We got the bumkins sprayer, and I just need some pieces for the toilet connector and then we can start that. Yesterday I ordered her the new GroVia O.N.E. Onyx Stripe diaper. So far my favorite diapers are GroVia, Lalabye, and Thirsties. Blueberry too, but they seem to fit better when she's a little bigger. They just look all bunched up.
I also got her a SweeTooth teether. She's not teething according to the ped, but she chews on our fingers and fingernails and is drooling nonstop. So I wanted to have it for when she's ready for it.
I also got the new Ju-Ju-Be Chrome Be Classy bag as a purse for me when I go back to work. I've been using the BFF as her diaper bag and LOVE it. It's a big splurge, but I want to feel professional and 'together' when I go back to work. And that's a big step towards that. Before going back to work I need to:
Organize the house
Get cloth diaper plan in place
Get new clothes for me
Organize my clothes and try to pick colors/patterns/styles that all go together
Get rid of stuff (seriously, I need to read my organization book)
Get makeup together to do at work since she won't let me do it here yet (takes too long)
Go to Golds Gym and get my morning makeup stuff out of my locker
Lots to do, and only 4 weeks left to do it. My heart is breaking that work starts so soon, but life must go on and paychecks must be made.
Going forward, I will be writing my blog on my mommy page about growing up. But I'll come here to post about health stuff for subchorionic hematomas.
This has been an epic journey... and we've only just begun.
XxemxX
Saturday, October 15, 2016
Tuesday, October 4, 2016
Fun Giveaway!
For anyone who is interested in babywearing (or even if you don't know what that is) check out Abby's Lane! It's this amazing boutique of fine baby items and I looove spending my money there.
This month they are giving away 30 Tula carriers, which are the top of the line carrier in awesome prints. You can try to win one, like I am! :)
#30DaysofTulasGiveaway!
http://
And even if you aren't into the baby wearing, check out AL just for their great products and incredible customer service. You will not be disappointed.
*Stepping off promotional soap box*
This month they are giving away 30 Tula carriers, which are the top of the line carrier in awesome prints. You can try to win one, like I am! :)
#30DaysofTulasGiveaway!
http://
And even if you aren't into the baby wearing, check out AL just for their great products and incredible customer service. You will not be disappointed.
*Stepping off promotional soap box*
Saturday, October 1, 2016
A month (or so) out... Reflections
Well, here we are - October 1st. My first real chance to blog since we got home at the end of August. Where the hell did a whole month go? It seemingly got gobbled up by diapers, bottles, screaming infant cries and a whole lot of healing on my part. There is so much I could say, and yet, so much I have forgotten.
Next Friday is my 6 week check up with my OB when we are cleared for "normal" life.And also when I will find out if I can have more children. I am probably dreading that question more than anything else. The answer will significantly change my future. However, after doing some research about Post Partum Hemmorage (PPH), it seems as though the uterus is an incredible organ that can heal itself. So I am hoping everything is going to be okay. Now, the idea of another baby seems crazy right now - the financial impact, the sleepless nights, the missing of 'normalcy' with my husband - but... at the same time, I have this feeling, no, knowledge, that our family is not complete yet. That there is still another person who we need to meet.
Anyways, I'm now a month and a half into motherhood. And the road has been admittedly rocky. I am in love with this new version of me. And trust me, it is a NEW version of me. What new mothers don't understand, despite being told it a billion times, is that motherhood changes you. And honestly, I Think it's for the better. I have found this deep well of strength and love that I honestly never knew existed. There is also a new calmness in my DNA that didn't exist before. A sense of 'pause'. I will handle things. "This too shall pass." has never meant more to me. I LOVE being a mommy.
Though I will admit, I'm not the best at it. And that's not 'mom guilt' talking. I truly mourn the loss of my old life and freedoms. I miss being able to go where I please, do what I choose and answer to no one. This is so different now. This tiny human, she needs me. And I love LOVE it, but it is also a total adjustment. We have figured out a new normal. And it makes me a person who is more still, and yet more active than ever before. A strange mix.
And yet, there is no other way I would want to live right now. No other life I could possibly imagine than being a mom to this person. It is so perfectly me.
Anyways, there was a lot that happened in five weeks, but I will try to summarize to the best of my ability.
The first two weeks home are a blur. Honestly, they're mostly lost to me. The combination of percocet, anemia, and just general healing left me pretty dazed. From what I hear, my husband did a lot of things I had no idea were happening. Midnight feedings, baby care, etc. I did my best, but I know I wasn't 100% there.
I had horrible chills throughout the night and during the day. I needed a heating pad most of the time and three layers of clothing. I had terrible aches in my back and legs, the swelling took two weeks to go down. Luckily, my lady bits were not as destroyed as some of my fellow mamas. But it could have just been the narcotics helping me ignore the pain ;)
My teeth hurt, like when you eat too much sugar. My head was fuzzy. I had a lot of cramps. Bleeding. Not a ton of clots. Like I said, a lot of those first two weeks are gone. The chills were the worst, though. And on top of it, I got sick. My doctor prescribed a z-pack which helped immensely. I had no voice for two weeks. It was pretty terrible. And to top it off, my baby was pretty unhappy. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I wish I had done more research about nursing. Because it went terribly. We were supplementing with formula because my body was just not up to the task of producing enough. I could (and still can) only make about 1 ounce every two hours or so. I think she'd survive on it, and might even increase production over time, but she certainly wouldn't have thrived. So now we supplement and I feed her as often as possible and pump every three hours.
This child is either allergic to milk, or just a diva (we're pretty sure it's the milk), because she would scream after every meal - and sometimes just in general. So now we are on the uber-pricey Nutramigen. My best laid plans of breastfeeding and cloth diapering to help budget are pretty much out the window. The diapers might still happen, but since we are now not only feeding formula, but it's the MOST EXPENSIVE formula out there, I am just resigning myself to the fact that we're going t be broke forever. But hey, she can eat now, not scream, and has regular poops. And for her, I'd do anything to make her feel good. '
There is something so heartbreaking about not being able to feed your child. It was absolutely the hardest thing to deal with when we first got home. And even now, I feel like a failure for it. But my breasts just weren't cut out to make buffet meals. They never increased in size through pregnancy, and even when my milk came in. Before the end of the year I will be going to see an endocrinologist and a hematologist because apparently Thyroid issues can hurt milk production. And I now think I have a bleeding disorder, not a clotting disorder, that I want to be tested for. Mental note - go get appointments booked!
For other new moms who struggle with breastfeeding, or who are wanting to nurse - I recommend doing some research before you give birth so you know what to expect and what is normal. And how to 'increase supply' when you feel like you aren't making enough and everyone is telling you to supplement.
That all being said - feed your babies. There is no award for best mom. You just have to figure it all out and get through it. Your child will love you if you don't breastfeed. I promise. (my baby loves eating so much that she sucks down nutamigen, even thought it tastes and smells like rotting milk!)
So, coping with my failure as a milk cow was tough. But I'm getting over it. And learning how to make this little girl a happy healthy baby. She loves being held. She loves holding her head up. She is also somewhat indpeendent (for an infant). Sometimes, she just wants to lay down alone and not be messed with. She sleeps in her Pack N Play newborn napper like a champ. Anywhere from 3-4 hours at a time. The 5 am wake up is still hard on me (I NEED my sleep...) but we're getting better.
I read a great article that says "it doesn't get easier, you get better at it". And I am taking it to heart. I am getting better. I'm getting good at it. I still have my moments, and panic, and freak out, but we're learning together. I told my husband last night I feel like a little kid who is playing dress up with her mommy's clothing. The house, the baby, the responsiblities. I do not always feel like I can do it all. But I look around and realize, everyone must feel this way sometimes. Because it's just life. And you learn as you go.
So now that we are starting to 'get it', I am debating starting an entirely new blog about my parenting adventures as a working mom. Still undecided. But debating it. I will continue to update this blog with health issues revolving around hematomas. Because I think it's so important and any subsequent pregnancies will be logged here. But... i think it's time to start a new chapter.
My heart is full .And while I miss my son, I learned so much from my time with him. And I will love him forever. And this little girl is even more appreciated because we know the magnitude of what was lost,
And how appropriate on the firs day of October - the month of miscarriage awareness. We've come full circle. What a year and a half this has been. The amount I've learned and grown and changed... it's beyond even me to see the magnitude of the change and growth.
And one thing I take away from it all? Love. Just, sheer unadulterated love. That I didn't know I was capable of. And in so many new ways. For my lost son, for my giving husband, for my perfect daughter. For those around me - a new compassion I've never felt before. A sense of peace and belonging.
So much has changed, and yet, mostly it's just me who has changed.
Alright, it's Saturday and this little tot needs to get up and out so we sleep tonight. More coming as I think of any details essential to record.
-Emily
Next Friday is my 6 week check up with my OB when we are cleared for "normal" life.And also when I will find out if I can have more children. I am probably dreading that question more than anything else. The answer will significantly change my future. However, after doing some research about Post Partum Hemmorage (PPH), it seems as though the uterus is an incredible organ that can heal itself. So I am hoping everything is going to be okay. Now, the idea of another baby seems crazy right now - the financial impact, the sleepless nights, the missing of 'normalcy' with my husband - but... at the same time, I have this feeling, no, knowledge, that our family is not complete yet. That there is still another person who we need to meet.
Anyways, I'm now a month and a half into motherhood. And the road has been admittedly rocky. I am in love with this new version of me. And trust me, it is a NEW version of me. What new mothers don't understand, despite being told it a billion times, is that motherhood changes you. And honestly, I Think it's for the better. I have found this deep well of strength and love that I honestly never knew existed. There is also a new calmness in my DNA that didn't exist before. A sense of 'pause'. I will handle things. "This too shall pass." has never meant more to me. I LOVE being a mommy.
Though I will admit, I'm not the best at it. And that's not 'mom guilt' talking. I truly mourn the loss of my old life and freedoms. I miss being able to go where I please, do what I choose and answer to no one. This is so different now. This tiny human, she needs me. And I love LOVE it, but it is also a total adjustment. We have figured out a new normal. And it makes me a person who is more still, and yet more active than ever before. A strange mix.
And yet, there is no other way I would want to live right now. No other life I could possibly imagine than being a mom to this person. It is so perfectly me.
Anyways, there was a lot that happened in five weeks, but I will try to summarize to the best of my ability.
The first two weeks home are a blur. Honestly, they're mostly lost to me. The combination of percocet, anemia, and just general healing left me pretty dazed. From what I hear, my husband did a lot of things I had no idea were happening. Midnight feedings, baby care, etc. I did my best, but I know I wasn't 100% there.
I had horrible chills throughout the night and during the day. I needed a heating pad most of the time and three layers of clothing. I had terrible aches in my back and legs, the swelling took two weeks to go down. Luckily, my lady bits were not as destroyed as some of my fellow mamas. But it could have just been the narcotics helping me ignore the pain ;)
My teeth hurt, like when you eat too much sugar. My head was fuzzy. I had a lot of cramps. Bleeding. Not a ton of clots. Like I said, a lot of those first two weeks are gone. The chills were the worst, though. And on top of it, I got sick. My doctor prescribed a z-pack which helped immensely. I had no voice for two weeks. It was pretty terrible. And to top it off, my baby was pretty unhappy. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I wish I had done more research about nursing. Because it went terribly. We were supplementing with formula because my body was just not up to the task of producing enough. I could (and still can) only make about 1 ounce every two hours or so. I think she'd survive on it, and might even increase production over time, but she certainly wouldn't have thrived. So now we supplement and I feed her as often as possible and pump every three hours.
This child is either allergic to milk, or just a diva (we're pretty sure it's the milk), because she would scream after every meal - and sometimes just in general. So now we are on the uber-pricey Nutramigen. My best laid plans of breastfeeding and cloth diapering to help budget are pretty much out the window. The diapers might still happen, but since we are now not only feeding formula, but it's the MOST EXPENSIVE formula out there, I am just resigning myself to the fact that we're going t be broke forever. But hey, she can eat now, not scream, and has regular poops. And for her, I'd do anything to make her feel good. '
There is something so heartbreaking about not being able to feed your child. It was absolutely the hardest thing to deal with when we first got home. And even now, I feel like a failure for it. But my breasts just weren't cut out to make buffet meals. They never increased in size through pregnancy, and even when my milk came in. Before the end of the year I will be going to see an endocrinologist and a hematologist because apparently Thyroid issues can hurt milk production. And I now think I have a bleeding disorder, not a clotting disorder, that I want to be tested for. Mental note - go get appointments booked!
For other new moms who struggle with breastfeeding, or who are wanting to nurse - I recommend doing some research before you give birth so you know what to expect and what is normal. And how to 'increase supply' when you feel like you aren't making enough and everyone is telling you to supplement.
That all being said - feed your babies. There is no award for best mom. You just have to figure it all out and get through it. Your child will love you if you don't breastfeed. I promise. (my baby loves eating so much that she sucks down nutamigen, even thought it tastes and smells like rotting milk!)
So, coping with my failure as a milk cow was tough. But I'm getting over it. And learning how to make this little girl a happy healthy baby. She loves being held. She loves holding her head up. She is also somewhat indpeendent (for an infant). Sometimes, she just wants to lay down alone and not be messed with. She sleeps in her Pack N Play newborn napper like a champ. Anywhere from 3-4 hours at a time. The 5 am wake up is still hard on me (I NEED my sleep...) but we're getting better.
I read a great article that says "it doesn't get easier, you get better at it". And I am taking it to heart. I am getting better. I'm getting good at it. I still have my moments, and panic, and freak out, but we're learning together. I told my husband last night I feel like a little kid who is playing dress up with her mommy's clothing. The house, the baby, the responsiblities. I do not always feel like I can do it all. But I look around and realize, everyone must feel this way sometimes. Because it's just life. And you learn as you go.
So now that we are starting to 'get it', I am debating starting an entirely new blog about my parenting adventures as a working mom. Still undecided. But debating it. I will continue to update this blog with health issues revolving around hematomas. Because I think it's so important and any subsequent pregnancies will be logged here. But... i think it's time to start a new chapter.
My heart is full .And while I miss my son, I learned so much from my time with him. And I will love him forever. And this little girl is even more appreciated because we know the magnitude of what was lost,
And how appropriate on the firs day of October - the month of miscarriage awareness. We've come full circle. What a year and a half this has been. The amount I've learned and grown and changed... it's beyond even me to see the magnitude of the change and growth.
And one thing I take away from it all? Love. Just, sheer unadulterated love. That I didn't know I was capable of. And in so many new ways. For my lost son, for my giving husband, for my perfect daughter. For those around me - a new compassion I've never felt before. A sense of peace and belonging.
So much has changed, and yet, mostly it's just me who has changed.
Alright, it's Saturday and this little tot needs to get up and out so we sleep tonight. More coming as I think of any details essential to record.
-Emily
Next Day
We woke up the next morning to my OB checking my stitches and bleeding. She removed all of the gauze packing and it looked like the bleeding had stopped. Hooray! She had requested to keep me in L&D just in case, so once she checked me out we were cleared to move to postpartum recovery. The whole day Friday was spent moving us into our new room and getting settled. Luckily, no one tried to visit us on Friday, because we were dazed and confused and still in a little shock.
Once we got into the new room, it felt like things settled. My BP was still too low, and hemoglobin level kept dropping. (13 when we arrived, 11 after labor, 9 that night, and it hung around 9 the whole time in the hospital).
Since the way things work at our local hospitals is you get 2 days after a vaginal birth, we were planning to be discharged Saturday. Which seemed insane, as we only had one night in this new room. But that is the way it works. To be honest, this period of time is both a complete blur and also acutely clear in my mind. I remember flashes of things and nothing. I did know one thing - I was happy to have nurses around. They took care of the baby so well. She LOVED her nurse Brittany. And they took care of me physically and emotionally. The nurses were ... angels. I know that seems extreme, but they made the whole experience so wonderful.
Also, hospital food? Amazing.
So, we did what most new parents probably do - try to get used to this tiny human being there 24/7. We also tried nursing.
I will tell you (now that I'm 3 weeks out) that I wish I had done more research about nursing before going into this. I had hoped/expected my body to just happily feed the baby. It's not always that easy, though. Especially when you have small, misshapen breasts.
After my doctor did rounds on Saturday, they decided to keep me another night for monitoring. Since I was the patient now, not the baby, the baby was discharged! So Saturday night, baby girl and my husband were my "guests" and stayed in my room.
That was a trip. It really hit us what was happening that night. I am very grateful our first "alone" night with the baby was in the hospital. I was a mess, so it was nice having some extra support!
Sunday morning my left leg was extremely swollen, so they did a scan due to my family's history with Deep Vein Thrombosis. Everything was cleared, and we were told we could go. We packed up and were discharged.
It was so surreal packing up and putting baby girl in her carseat. I was awkward and fumbled with it while my husband pulled the car around. The nurse tried to help as best she could (they aren't allowed to help really). Her name was Courtney, and she was so wonderful to us. Her calm, soothing demeanor kept both of us pretty sane.
Thank God for nurses...
Before long, we were in the Ford Focus and on our way home with our newborn.
Life as we knew it was over, and a new chapter had begun.
-Em
Once we got into the new room, it felt like things settled. My BP was still too low, and hemoglobin level kept dropping. (13 when we arrived, 11 after labor, 9 that night, and it hung around 9 the whole time in the hospital).
Since the way things work at our local hospitals is you get 2 days after a vaginal birth, we were planning to be discharged Saturday. Which seemed insane, as we only had one night in this new room. But that is the way it works. To be honest, this period of time is both a complete blur and also acutely clear in my mind. I remember flashes of things and nothing. I did know one thing - I was happy to have nurses around. They took care of the baby so well. She LOVED her nurse Brittany. And they took care of me physically and emotionally. The nurses were ... angels. I know that seems extreme, but they made the whole experience so wonderful.
Also, hospital food? Amazing.
So, we did what most new parents probably do - try to get used to this tiny human being there 24/7. We also tried nursing.
I will tell you (now that I'm 3 weeks out) that I wish I had done more research about nursing before going into this. I had hoped/expected my body to just happily feed the baby. It's not always that easy, though. Especially when you have small, misshapen breasts.
After my doctor did rounds on Saturday, they decided to keep me another night for monitoring. Since I was the patient now, not the baby, the baby was discharged! So Saturday night, baby girl and my husband were my "guests" and stayed in my room.
That was a trip. It really hit us what was happening that night. I am very grateful our first "alone" night with the baby was in the hospital. I was a mess, so it was nice having some extra support!
Sunday morning my left leg was extremely swollen, so they did a scan due to my family's history with Deep Vein Thrombosis. Everything was cleared, and we were told we could go. We packed up and were discharged.
It was so surreal packing up and putting baby girl in her carseat. I was awkward and fumbled with it while my husband pulled the car around. The nurse tried to help as best she could (they aren't allowed to help really). Her name was Courtney, and she was so wonderful to us. Her calm, soothing demeanor kept both of us pretty sane.
Thank God for nurses...
Before long, we were in the Ford Focus and on our way home with our newborn.
Life as we knew it was over, and a new chapter had begun.
-Em
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