Apparently relaxation = bleeding

Went for our 12 week appointment yesterday. The doctor did an US and we saw Bazby in there jumping around, she could barely get the heartrate because it wouldn't be still!  From what little I know about Nuchal tests, I think everything looked good, but we aren't doing a nuchal this time since we are doing the DNA screening for genetic disorders. 

The doctor did not measure the baby, so I do not know if it is growing correctly, but it LOOKED like a 12 week old fetus - bones, jaw, moving around. She also didn't look at the uterus as a whole, so I don't know what is going on with the hematoma. 

Since I have been having that gross discharge, she prescribed an antibiotic for a week, which is good, hoping that clears up. And my weight was down 1lb! Which, I know isn't a lot, but all things considered, I am happy. I made a deal with myself to get my Mama Bear shirt, but with the way our finances are, I Just can't justify spending the money. So that will wait for now. 

Everything looked great, I went home excited. Heartrate was 170 so coming down closer to 'average'. I started letting myself get excited that tomorrow is our last day in the second trimester...

And I woke up to brown spotting. 

What the fuck?! 

I can't catch a damn break. I don't understand why this is happening. Can I literally stress myself into bleeding? This was when I would be on my period, so is it that? I'm so nervous, and the closer we get to the day we lost our angel I think the more anxious I will be.  February 22 is the age Scrumbles left us, so I think I'll need to get past that day before I relax. And then to 20 weeks. and then to 40 weeks. and then until the baby is grown. And probably past that. But for right now I can feel my anxiety ramping up. I know it's not healthy, and I am meditating and trying to be calm, but it's very very hard. Especially with bleeding (even brown). 

I will continue taking prenatals, prometrium, aspirin, and omega 3s. I will continue to eat as healthy as possible and lose weight.

But I am a freaking mess. 
-Emily

I'm seeing double

So this happened: 

The not-so-faint but still pretty faint positive

I.N.S.A.N.E. 

I cannot believe it. The odds were so slim--my husband is NEVER going to let me live it down! LOL This also explains all the emotions I've been feeling.

So we are one day out from my period, which means we are still EXTREMELY early to be having any kind of feelings about this. Especially since the test this morning was slightly lighter than yesterday, and my temp dropped a 1/10th of a degree. 

That being said, if we make it through to the weekend with no bleeding, I guess it is time to start believing this might be happening. Whoa. I am literally blown away....

Going to keep doing tests and see how the lines are darkening. Today I added back in: 

Cinnamon, Vitamin K, Vitamin E, and Vinegar (with "The Mother"). Also still taking Vitex. Starting back on my progesterone (after a three day lapse... i hope that didn't hurt things too much :( ) and still on the Prenatals with Folate....


I'm still in shock, and I still don't believe it's true... but my bladder believes it's true because I have been up to pee at 3 AM every night this week. And my lady nips are SORE. So... yea. 

What the what. 

-Emily

5 Vials

It is a record. Today they drew 5 vials of blood. I went to a new testing facility (new OB=new facility). The girl was very good, and she let me lay down, or else I pass out. I didn't pass out! And she only had to stick me one time. We got the blood relatively quickly, but throughout this whole process, we have never drawn five vials before. Not even for the genetic screening! (That was 3 vials, and that was also a challenge.) 

Anyways, the blood draw went fine, but I thought I'd share with you what they are testing for in those five vials. 

1. Cardiolipin AB Screen
http://www.hopkinslupus.org/lupus-tests/antiphospholipid-antibodies/ 
Testing may also be ordered when a woman has had recurrent miscarriages and/or ordered along with lupus anticoagulant testing as a follow-up to a prolonged PTT test. When cardiolipin antibody is detected, then the test may be repeated several weeks later to determine whether the antibody is temporary or persistent. Moderate to high levels of cardiolipin antibodies that persist when tested again 6 weeks later indicate the likely continued presence of that specific antibody, which may be associated with excessive clotting or recurrent miscarriages. (https://labtestsonline.org/understanding/analytes/cardiolipin/tab/test/) 

2. Lupus Anticogulation 

Lupus anticoagulants are antibodies against substances in the lining of cells. These substances prevent blood clotting in a test tube. They are called phospholipids.

Persons with these antibodies may have an abnormally high risk of blood clotting.https://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/000547.htm 

https://labtestsonline.org/understanding/analytes/lupus-anticoagulant/tab/test/ 

3. Anti-B2 Clycoprotein Antibodies
https://labtestsonline.org/understanding/analytes/beta-2-glycoprotein-1-antibodies/tab/test/


So, after a brief scan, these are all related, and all  clotting issues that cause recurrent miscarriages. This is a good thing, because I do know I don't have the Factor V Leiden clotting disorder, but these seem to be more common. 


I still stand by my initial response that these will all turn up negative, but I am glad we will know for sure. I'm pretty anxious about hearing back from the specialist. He should have results by next Monday, and I should hear from him mid-to-late next week. (Since it took me 4 days to get the balls and energy to go get tested.) 

Once I know more, I will share on here. I just met (through a Baby Board) a girl who was diagnosed with this stuff, and she was told to wait to try to conceive for 12 weeks, when they would do another round of testing. Hearing that would be ... heartbreaking. But maybe good. I don't know. I don't know how I'm feeling. After having a little more sleep, and some time to collect myself, I am feeling slightly better. Still exhausted - mentally and physically - but better. I feel like every time I start climbing out of the dark, though, my husband jumps back into the abyss. Will these roller coaster days ever level out? 

I don't know, just going to keep blogging and doing things to make life better.

-Emily

Less than a week away from .... something

I know these posts have been few and far between, but that's because I've been using my time to get myself in better shape-- both mentally and physically. I have tapered off on taking supplements and researching hematomas. I want a fresh start, and Monday, October 4th my husband and I are going to visit the high risk OB. When I booked this appointment it seemed like ages away, and now here we are, less than a week away. I have no idea what to expect. What they'll say. If they'll agree with me on testing. I don't know how the appointment will flow, or even what it will cost. I have no idea what to expect, but I think, for once, that is a good thing. 

It is the first day of October, 2015. The beginning of Fall in what has been an entirely too shitty year. Our wedding anniversary is twelve days away and the temperature has (finally) dipped out of the 80s.  For most people, Fall is a time of reflection and family and looking back on the year. And I usually subscribe to that too. But this year, Fall is going to be about fresh starts, new beginnings, new relationships, and starting a new life. Both physically and emotionally. 

I have started seeing a counselor as I tackle the issues in my life. I know that I am very blessed and fortunate to have what I have and be who I am. But I also know that I've spent the past 28 years shirking away from dealing with things. Emotions, actions, feelings. I feel like, as much as we loved our little baby, this process has helped me find inner strength. I have formed a new friendship, repaired my relationship with my husband, started to take responsibility for my finances, and planning on a real future, not a fantasy future. For the first time since July 31, I am starting to look to the future. I am starting to see a path for us to walk down together. And I have discovered how truly sad I am that we did not start trying to have children sooner. I know they say to wait and enjoy your lives together, but we've had 9 years, and I do feel responsible for not having healthy babies yet. If I only knew then what I know now. But, we can't sift through the past looking for wrong turns, all we can do is plan for a better tomorrow....

And tomorrow, and tomorrow, and then it's doctor day.

I know they will want me to lose weight. (Duh, I am pushing 300 lbs after a 20lb baby weight gain, and I can't seem to drop it). I don't know how soon they'll want to do blood testing. I have weaned myself off all of the supplements I  was taking for the hematoma (cayenne pepper, E, wheat grass, cinnamon, Vitex) and all that's left is the prenatal. So hopefully the blood is pretty pure. ;) 

Something interesting has come up, too. We've decided to wait to TTC again until our trip to Ireland. That is about 3 months away. I am sad we are waiting, as anyone who has experienced loss knows, you want to fill that ACTUAL void, but I am happy we have three months with each other to have fun, enjoy each other, and get ourselves as healthy as we can be before we experience this again. The few months are probably necessary emotionally, too, because if we have another hematoma, it's going to be a really terribly difficult road.  And hard decisions will have to be made. Also, by January our ER bills will be officially paid off. We also noticed that I booked the trip over our original due date. That can't be coincidence. Life is a funny place. 

So anyways, there is not much to update today besides the fact that I am fully healed internally, and I will have more news for you on Monday, and that emotionally, we're getting there. 

-Emily 

An Emerald Isle

Good morning, it is bright, early, and beautiful here in Missouri. The weekend we were blessed with had high temperatures in the 70s. I was able to enjoy time with my husband and my mother. She just got back from a two week trip to Washington, so it was nice to catch up.

My biggest project over the coming weeks will be to "purge" myself of unnecessary belongings. Partly because the 'new' Emily is very different, and I like having fewer 'things', and what  Ido have I want to be high quality. The other reason for this cleaning is my landlord told me yesterday that she is selling the house we live in. So we could, theoretically, be looking for a new home. With my husband in school full time, and paying all of our medical bills we don't have the money for a down payment on a home in the area we want to be. So we will continue to rent. But moving is a motivator to pare down on the excess stuff we have accumulated.

So, on to the baby stuff, which is why I'm really here. :)

My levels hit 1.9! HOORAY!! I am officially back to normal. We all knew this when I started my period! But, it is nice that the blood backs it up. I am instructed to contact my OB in a year for my annual check up, or if we start trying and have no luck in six months. She did not want to do any testing, which, to me, feels like a 'go ahead' to see the specialist. October 4th is the appointment with our high risk OB, and I will have much more news for you then.

Until then, I am working out with my new coach and new friend I met through a networking group on facebook. I am down another pound, huzzah! My temperatures never spiked, so I still do not know if I ovulated this month, but we will know in about 3 weeks when I track again. I was taking OPKs (Ovulation Predictor Kits) and had a positive, but only one, so it could have been a fluke?

Alright, here is the coolest thing, I think. We decided (perhaps while drinking... definitely while drinking...) to go to Ireland.

Now, I know I've been talking about cash and bills, and trust me, money is tight. But we just came into some money that deserved a good use. I have friends all over Britain who have offered to let us stay with them for free, and I work for a car rental company, so car hire will be half price. We will pack our own breakfasts and lunches, and try to eat inexpensive (to Tesco!). My husband is writing a six book fantasy novel series, and in book three the characters travel to Ireland. He has never been (and I've only ever been to Dublin) so he will be able to write part of that book while there. We are going to start in Dublin, go visit friends in Limerick, hopefully get up north, and then spend time in London. 

While we are there, I have decided to do Angel Rocks. I will write down names of Angel Babies (or any lost loved one) and take a picture of their rock in a beautiful Irish location. Then send the photos to the family. I've seen this done other places, and it is a very nice way to remember people and also a cool way to experience the world and spread the love. I even started a gofundme. For $15 if someone wants an angel rock, they can have one done in Ireland. For $5 dollars I will compile a list of names and do a larger rock. I think this will be a fun project, and help to offset the cost of our trip. 

gofund.me/angelrocksireland

Oh btw, did I  mention we will be ttc in Ireland? I mean, it's hopeful thinking... we will plan it around our charting, and of course it's a once in a lifetime chance... But we're going to try for it!!! 

Okay, so this is a very happy post, full of potential, possibility, and change. Let's embrace the change. :) 

-Emily

Period.

Have you ever HOPED for your period to start? I can count on my hand the number of times I was relieved when Aunt Flow arrived. Usually it was a hope that she'd arrive early enough that I wouldn't have to mess with her on a vacation. 

Now that we are mid fertility issues, I pray for blood every time I use the restroom. Which, is the exact opposite of what I prayed for when I was pregnant. But I've now gone all of August with no period, and until it returns we can't even begin to talk about the future or TTC. 

I know I mentioned this before, but a coworker told me she had a miscarriage at nine weeks, never went to the hospital, had horrible cramps the following month, and became infertile. I am so scared of that happening. And with no period, I feel very broken in the sense that my lady parts are not functioning. 

That all being said... yesterday afternoon I had my first spotting. For me, periods rarely start with spotting, it just kind of... starts. But this will be a whole new experience, and I think spotting is actually a good sign! I was SO excited when I saw that! I laughed at the situation, because everything is so relative. But since yesterday, no more spotting. 

Yesterday was also my two-week blood draw. We are still monitoring levels, and I'm hoping we're at 2. If we are , and I'm spotting, then I think this is all good news. The only thing I DON'T want is to find out I'm pregnant again. Because with the uterus having leftover gunk, not being on progesterone, and not having blood checked, this could happen all over again. Although I don't think there is any chance of that happening (pregnancy)...

So, fingers crossed bleeding, low levels, and September is the beginning of a new life for my body. 

I also ended up signing up with the personal coach Erica. She messaged me my "plan" today, so I get started for this month with the rest of her girls. I can't wait! Things are looking up, I've started NutriSystem, and so far so good. Weigh in is on Friday with my friend Kat, and we will keep eachother accountable as we go forward. 

So, while it's strange to hope for bleeding, I think it's going to be good.

Also--we just started getting hospital bills. I think they should give you a discount if you don't get to take home a baby. How unfair is that? Sigh. It will also push back our trying, because we need to get financials under control. Sigh. I bet we won't get to TTC until December. Which is still within our ORIGINAL plan, but I am so ready to be pregnant  again. And start our family. Even though my husband is just now processing emotions... so maybe December is a more realistic goal than November. 

-Emily 

MTHFR explained

While carousing the BabyCenter "Subchorionic Hematoma Support Group" forums, I stumbled upon an incredible conversation about the MTHFR genetic mutation.

According to the poster, sometimes people with SCH find out later they have a genetic mutation on the MTHFR gene, which causes a lot of different problems (more research below). One of the side affects is that folic acid in the synthetic form--what is in most prenatals--cannot be processed by our bodies. Here is her quote:

"My friend was taking a prenatal made with folate. Some people, most people who develop and SCH later find out they have a genetic annomonly called MTHFR with 1 or multiple variants. Missing this enzyme the body cannot utilize folic acid and only a small percentage of folate found naturally in vegetable and food. Folic acid is man made and people with this annomonly cannot utilize it at all. The methyl version is already preconverted with the enzyme so the body uses it right away. No need to try and break it down." Babyjoy427

http://community.babycenter.com/post/a57019279/?cpg=2#c2505863098 

This is NOT scientific information that you should rely on--please do your own research before taking any supplements and talk to your care provider. I am not a medical professional in any way, and this is just my place to organize my thoughts before we TTC again this fall. 

BabyCenter is an extremely valuable resource for up-to-date information about this stuff, and long after my trials and tribulations are over, you might find that the ladies there have discovered even more relevant and current information to you. 

Apparently, this genetic mutation can cause depression, miscarriage, addiction, etc. Kind of crazy. Another good source on this can be found here: http://ghr.nlm.nih.gov/gene/MTHFR 

I know we have discussed MTHFR before, so let's move along. 

I have started taking the Wondfo ovulation test strips. We are now 24 days post miscarriage (3.5 weeks) and no sign of a period. Or even really of ovulation. This worries me, as it means I could still need a D&C, but we're hoping that is not the case. There's a chance I ovulated and missed it, or I am just slow, but that is why I am testing. Best case scenario, I start my period later this week. Worst case scenario, we are still two and a half weeks away from a period. I am also going to test today for pregnancy, and see if that is still triggering the BFP on the wondfo sticks. If I am still showing hCG, then  I won't be ovulating, and then we'll just see what happens next week in my blood draw. 

Here is what I am hearing: 

1. Ovulation occurs 2-4 weeks after a miscarriage. 

2. Your period begins 2 weeks after ovulation. 

If my levels are still above 2, I won't be ovulating, and then no period, and then my body's hormones are all crazy and we need to figure something out with the OB. 

*I know most of this blog is a trigger, and I need to put a warning, but here is a big trigger* 

I am also tracking CM, because sometimes that helps me determine ovulation. Of course, I have been dry up until just last week. And what there is has been sticky, yellowish-tinted, almost globules. It is stretchy, but not creamy like lotion or runny like egg whites. I guess there is a possibility it is an infection, but I just don't think so. I think it's my body figuring out where it is in this process and pulling itself out of a nosedive of insane hormones. 

I will report back tomorrow on the results of the preg. test, and see how that compares to the one I took last Monday. I am hoping we are in the clear. This waiting thing is starting to drive me a little crazy! 

But on a brighter note, I went for a mile walk yesterday, and it felt really good. Tomorrow I will attempt GoldsFit, as my tattoo feels almost entirely healed. I will try it and see how far we get... no idea where my body is fit-wise, but I know it's worse than before. 

Weight - I have officially gone OVER my pregnancy weight. I don't know what's happening with me, i guess it's the food. I need to get it under control, because I know I can't do a pregnancy this heavy. I need to lose about 30 lbs before I feel comfortable getting pregnant again. And that's a LOW END estimate. I am going to try NutriSystem starting on Sunday. I think having a set of meals will help. We will see. Definitely frustrated. 

-Emily

Still Backsliding, but at Least Not in an OR

Got the call today--hCG levels are at 24.3 seventeen days post miscarriage.

According to my OB, this is good, normal, and we are still on track. The goal is ultimately 2, but apparently this is progress (and also why my home PT showed positive). 

She has cleared me for all normal activities--swimming, Golds Fit, running, jumping, etc. I feel elated by that news. I am ready to hit the gym and give myself some kind of purpose again. I am all ready with my new Vera Bradley gym bag and umpteen Sparkle Skirts (you know, the skirts I threw myself into over the past 3 weeks as I awaited news in complete anxiety fashion). 

I am ready to get back to my new normal. I don't want to lose who I've become. I really enjoyed the strength of grieving Emily. I want her back. I need to channel that energy, strength, and inner peace. I need to remember not to take crap from people around me. To keep saying no. And to do things that make me happy. To focus on me, my desires, my body, and my health.

Guess what, bitches, this new life? It's mine. I'm claiming it. No one else gets it. My husband gets a say, my family gets my time and love. But I am the final decider of what happens. What I say goes. And what I say is that I'm tired of being a stepping stone for others. I'm tired of being kicked around and jerked around and generally tossed aside. I am angry, yes. But not at you. Not at my friends. Not at anyone except me. I've spent 27 years playing supporting actress in my life. It's time to step into the spotlight. I am no longer standing by. I am doing what makes sense. I am taking charge. YES, I need to slow down a bit as I run to the edge of this self defining cliff and leap, but I'm still leaping. For better or worse, I'm diving head first into the unknown of the future. 

I will apologize, but I will not ask permission anymore. 


And yes, our friends had their baby last night. I cried when I saw it. I am sad. Dammit, I am SO sad. And empty. But there's no where to go but forward. Hand-in-hand with my husband. There's no looking or going back. There's only the next month, week, day, hour, minute, second, and breathing and leaning confidently into the people we want to become. 

No surgery. Not yet. Time to start over. 

-Emily
Que sera sera. 

Testing

Hopefully today is my last day of waiting with no news, because I am going in for a blood draw at lunch and tomorrow we'll see what my hCG levels are doing. If they are down to 2, I think I will be in the clear. If not, then I am guessing another Ultrasound and then heading towards the Operating Room.

That being said, this morning I took a home pregnancy test (it was left over from when we were ttc, don't worry, I did not buy any tests yet--that would be crazy). There was a faint positive. I need to do some research on the brand of test I used, but I'm pretty sure this means that there is SOME hCG left in my body, and probably higher than 2. I don't want my anxiety to get the best of me, and maybe blood is a more real-time indicator, but I'm afraid if a home test is showing hCG then my levels might not have gone back down. 

Everything else feels like I'm getting back to normal physically. I feel great, and I think I am going to go do yoga this week and do some stretching before starting back up my running. 

So yea, I will know for you tomorrow as far as what my levels are doing, and whether or not I will need a D&C. Stay tuned. 

-Emily

Levels Decreasing: hCG, Estrogen, Blood Count, Emotions

I had my blood tested yesterday for hCG levels and anemia. Dr. W called today to let me know my hCG levels are at 266, and the blood platelets are fine, no fear of anemia.

Tomorrow is a scheduled ultrasound to see if there is any tissue left in my uterus. If so, we will schedule a D&C for Thursday. If not, then we are good to go on to our next cycle. 

Doc suggested she wants me on birth control if we do the D&C to help regulate my cycles and build up my estrogen. When we talk Monday after she's had a chance to review the ultrasound, I will find out if she wants me on it even if we don't do the surgery. I think my estrogen levels might be low, but I have no reason to think that except a hunch. 

So, I will have more for this blog on Monday with another update about what is going to happen post miscarriage.  I think I will take this weekend off from ruminating over this. It was my first morning with no tears. Slowly but surely, we are getting back to a somewhat normal level of life. 

-Emily
"I will face everything and rise
Never gonna quit until I die
Angels keep falling from the sky
I'll take the broken wings and learn to fly
I will face everything and rise." 
- "F.E.A.R." Papa Roach

Little Baby Feet

Soo.... I got my first tattoo last night. It is about 1"x1" and little baby blue baby feet. My husband drew them, and they are the size of a 14 week old fetus's feet. 

It comforts me to know that my first baby will be with me always. He'll run races, travel the world, and be in my heart forever.

Some people asked if it would just make me sad. And it is sad, but it actually makes me happy to have him there. Just the memory. I feel comforted. I want to use this experience to be stronger. Get healthy, get in shape, get my uterus figured out. 

 Little baby feet. :) <3 

-Emily
Tattoos hurt like a bitch, btw. 

Ultrasound Photos

Here you can see the crescent hematoma at 12 weeks. Baby was sucking his thumb. 

Hematoma when it was first diagnosed. 

One of the first images of baby. My sack is shaped very strangely... could it be fibroids? Could this have caused problems?