Growing Pains

If you've ever experienced a loss, and then a pregnancy afterwards, you are probably familiar with being hypersensitive to any tick, movement, itch, scratch or pain. This week is a week of pains for me and baby girl. As we move into our third trimester (June 3 we'll officially be in the home-stretch), I know in my head that she is putting on lots of fat every day and bulking up. At this point, she has all of her organs and they are maturing so she can live outside of my body. We are "viable" at this point, and doctors would fight to keep her alive. But this also means we will be gaining between 6 and 8 pounds between now and August 26. Which equals about a half a pound a week of pure baby weight.

That all being said, my stomach hurts.

Mostly up high, like under my chest and above my belly button. It wakes me up at night sometimes. and it itches. the itching! My boobs are sore, and my bras are definitely too tight. (new ones ordered). I feel "lightning crotch" a lot. It shoots from my lower pelvic area down my crotch. And that similar sensation can be felt all over my stomach. I know it's from her growing, but it still always makes me worried.

Next appointment is June 1st, and I will be asking the doctor if they check the cord again. My mom was told that her son was born with his cord wrapped around his neck in a knot (he was stillborn) so I'm uber nervous about anything involving cords. I want to know if that is being monitored. And a friend I work with has a sister in a high risk pregnacny, and the doctor took the time to show her an ultrasound of the cord and that it was not wrapped around the baby's neck.

What i'm learning is that this process is so dependent on your OB. if you get one really hands-on, you will get far more information and support. I think next time I will be hiring a midwife for these long months. Someone to go to for emotional support with questions. I also don't plan on being this heavy next time we get pregnant. I know it puts us at risk for so many more issues.

Anyways, other than that, we're trucking along. The hips are still extremely sore. I might be signing up for a water aerobics class on the weekends until pools open at the end of May. And I'm gaining too much weight. Already up to 301.6. I was 298 just a week ago. So I don't know how that's happening with a stricter diet, but it is.

As always, avoiding gestational diabetes and preeclampsia. But it's starting to feel more real. We're working on the nursery, and my family and friends are planning a shower... I could never envision our baby, because I had done so much of that with the first and then he disappeared into nothing but wishes and dreams. This time, as I feel her kick her daddy's hand (happened for the first time two nights ago) she feels more real. And I think she'll be here. I am starting to believe it. And have faith in my body. And counseling is helping me see that thinking negative thoughts doesn't counteract positive actions. I can be positive, see positive outcomes, and still have good things happen.

Emily

All the thoughts originate from the mind.

I keep dreaming about being pregnant. Reading pregnancy tests that show positives. Last night I dreamt I took one, and it was strong positive, but the strip was twisted, so I couldn't turn it in the right direction to read it. 

I also have FELT pregnant, although according to family planning methods that is simply not possible. But the feelings are bringing up a lot of emotions about my angel baby. Last night I was just... sad. For him. For us. For my womb. For the future. I am scared and sad, and it comes and goes in waves. They always say that grief will hit you randomly and you can't expect it or plan for it, and last night was just one of those times. I have started a new weight loss plan "Choose to Lose" by Chris Powell, and it is going to be difficult. And his book had me think and say a lot of affirmations to help me take control over my body, and in doing so, I think it must have stirred up some stuff. 

Maybe I feel like I am turning a page on this chapter. Like it's on to the next one. My husband did not cry with me this weekend. I think he is healing. And that is such great news, I am elated. And I am healing, but it still hurts sometimes. Randomly. Like last night. And I knew so little before everything, and now I know so much that I wish I didn't. And I can't help but think that this will just be how it goes forever. That there is never going to be a warm wiggly baby that I get to take home. So in that line of thought, I just say "fuck it". And then a lot of other things matter more,and I am able to feel better. Even if only temporarily.

I am starting to accept and absorb that we are waiting to try again until January. As hard as it sounds right now,w e are not emotionally, financially, or physically ready to do this again. We have submitted for a mortgage loan, and might be looking to buy a house. Which would be a huge endeavor, stressful, and I wouldn't want to be pregnant during that process. I also know that the exhaustion and life changing events are going to be permanent if we get to take home a baby -- seeing my new-parents friends is evidence of that. So waiting is feeling okay. And getting my body under control is so important right now. 

But sometimes I get sad. And that's just the way this goes, I think .

I also have not heard back from the specialist, so I plan on calling him on Friday. I think he told us if we didn't hear anything it was good news. But you just never know, so I want to be sure. If nothing is wrong, I will be happy. I have gotten to the point where I will be glad to know I am functioning and what we tested for is not a cause of what happened. If it happens again,we will test for new things. I guess it's like the duck shooting game at the carnival where you just keep knocking the ducks down with pellets until there's nothing left and you either solve the mystery, or go home and decide to be wealthy entrepreneurs with no kids....

Anyways, I felt this blog deserved an update, as it has been two weeks with nothing. And that's not me keeping you in the dark, it's me being in the dark. I have no more answers. I just know how to walk the path laid out ahead of me. And we are so far from it being something we are actively trying that I've thrown away the thermometer and tracking and stopped taking everything but prenatals. I don't even want to look at that stuff right now, because it just makes me sad and angry. 

I will update if I learn more.

-Emily

Things are weird, but life is moving along

So, I haven't written here since last week. It was Labor Day weekend, and honestly, I have been trying as hard as possible not to think about things. One thing people with anxiety do very well is ruminate. And that is one of my key stressers. 

As a follow up, last week my hCG levels were at 5.5. I started my period the day after I had the blood test done, (hooray!) and am now back to charting my Basal Body Temperature every morning. That was what I did last time we got pregnant (that was all I did) and it seemed pretty accurate. I am most interested in finding out if I am going to ovulate this time, or if I will have a non ovulated period. Does that happen? It sounded like it could on some of my boards. 

The wonderful nurse from the hospital called me last week, and we found out that the baby was buried, where he was buried, and how to find him. I want to go to the cemetery, but I also am a little scared to. That might not be a normal emotion. I just feel like I am starting to feel more normal, and going out there might bring a cascade of sadness/grief/self loathing back. I will definitely go visit him and his baby buddies ( they bury several babies in a small coffin together), but I just don't know when I will be ready. I am also going to wait to hear from my husband when he is ready, so we can go together. 

The burial did not bring as much closure as I thought it would, Probably because we were not invited and had very little to do with the planning. But I do feel a sense of calm and peace that he had a Catholic burial in a holy cemetery and is not alone. That he is wrapped in linen and at peace in Heaven. He is definitely the coolest baby in his group of babies, and the most loved for sure. (I might be biased ;) ). 

Now we march forward into cycle #2 post miscarriage. According to my charting, if we wait two cycles we could start trying again end of October. I do not think either of us are ready, and we still have so many medical bills and testing to do. I think we will realistically not be ready until November. Which means we get to try again November 11th. We also might be moving to a new place ( a house... with a yard, and a garage, within walking distance of my work ), and if that works out we will want to plan around moving so my husband doesn't have to do everything by himself. 

I am also currently weighing in at 297 lbs, so I need to get down somewhere where I feel at least more comfortable before trying again. We are easily 3 months out. I know that the majority of me is ready, but like I said, there is always fear associated with this after what we've been through. And we can't try again until  we are emotionally ready to face another hematoma. 

Our doctor appointment with the specialist is October 5th. I will definitely keep this blog updated with how that goes, and what tests I request from them. I will also get their feedback. Once my hCG is at 2, I think my original OB will talk to me about options. I hope so. I would like to stay with her, but I am not going to just "try again" without making some adjustments to what happens with my blood and uterus. I really hope she suggests testing too. Either way, I need to know what is happening.  If this happens again and we did nothing to prevent it I will feel incredibly stupid. If it happens again and we tried everything at least I can say "we tried everything". 

One exciting thing happened this week. I met a new friend who is around my weight/height/place in life and is trying to lose weight and get in shape. We agreed to hold each other acocuntable and meet up for the Flying Pig in May 2016. She lives outside of chicago, I live outside of Saint Louis. This so far has been a great motivator, and I'm really happy I found her. Life throws you funny curveballs and sets you on paths. This new path is very strange. 

I am finding new things out about myself. Things  Istruggle with and things  I excel at. I'm a little concerned about my job. I am seeing my work quality unbiased, and it's not great. I do worry my time will be short here. But I have found so many things I care about. Things I could do if this didn't work out for me. And I could be happy. I know  I could. 

Alright, my stomach is killing me, so I think I need to stop typing and go lay down. Not much longer until I get to go home and go to bed. 

-Emily

Most of pregnancy is waiting

It is Tuesday, and we are 11 days away from 'that night'. The bleeding and cramping has officially stopped. However, my ultrasound on Saturday showed that my lining was still thick, and there were still... 'stuff' left in there. Whether its' blood or tissue, we aren't 100% sure.

Since my doctor is on the fence about a D&C, I had to have blood drawn again yesterday to test my hCG levels. If they have not gone down, that will be indicative of a problem. My OB mentioned that we might do a medicine that causes cramping/bleeding to try to get the remaining tissue out. But honestly, I would rather just do the surgery at this point. Medicine will put me another week away from "normal" and it might result in a surgery anyways. So.. I don't know. I don't WANT surgery, but I'd rather just know I'm cleaned out and ready to go. 

I feel like it'd be a fresh start my uterus.... is that weird? 

Also, it'd give the doctor a chance to look in there and see if there are any abnormalities. I know there probably aren't, but someone like me who worries, it would certainly be a relief of sorts. 

Something interesting happened to me at the blood draw place yesterday. I mentioned to the hematologist that the E.R. had told me I had "really high blood counts". Which, I guess, means high platelets. The very first thing out of the hematologist's mouth was "that is what causes clotting". Alarm bells went off in my head. Someone totally alien to the situation said a key word based on knowledge I learned from our first big bleed. 

I will definitely want to be tested again for any clotting issues. I am going to see if my OB wants to do that herself before we see the perinatologist. Fingers crossed she calls for those tests, because I'd really rather just work with her at first. But, we'll see. I'll do literally whatever it takes to try to prevent a hematoma ever happening again. 

Something else interesting is happening. In my marriage. I am feeling so broken. Everything hurts. Everything is damaged. My womb is empty, and I was unable to carry a baby to term. I have this feeling of worthlessness. And I spent the whole night last night trying to convince my husband he needs a new wife. And I meant it. I feel like a dusty old uterus who can't perform her female duties. I am so angry at my body for failing me. And it's potential to do it again. I wish I could go back in time and start trying to get pregnant at age 22 with my husband. Instead of 27. So far, I'm seeing no advantage of waiting. More issues, more question marks, we still aren't financially wealthy. I just want my body to work, and the failure is causing so many issues for me.

I think that's another reason the surgery would help. A clean slate. Start over, and a pinpointed beginning when I can take back 'control' of my life (I realize we are not in control at all, but it makes me feel better to pretend right now). 

So that's where we are at. I will post more once I hear back about surgery today. 

-Emily

High Risk OB / Periantologist

In the fight to control some of my surroundings (since I am losing control of my emotions on  an hourly basis--which results in listening to the recorded baby heartbeat and sobbing uncontrollably) I decided to take control of my situation and book an appointment with a specialist/high risk ob/periantologist. 

Our appointment is in October once my hormones settle down from this pregnancy. I am going to be compiling a list of tests that need to be done. It is is also important to know that my mother has Factor V Leiden. I was tested for Factor V 5 years ago, and tested negative. However, they did not test for any other clotting disorders. Apparently, my mother also had parvovirus. So if she had that before/during pregnancy with me, that is another possibility for SCH. 

Current lists of tests I want done: 

- Clotting disease
- Bleeding disease
- Parvovirus
- Lupus Anticoagulant
- Thyroid (was tested for this once, so I do not think I need it again, but it's on the list) 
- Phospholipid
- Progesterone insufficiency
- HCG insufficiency 
- Fibroids


Until then, I am planning on losing as much  weight as possible (before this baby I was at 280 lbs... I know I know...) By 14 weeks I was holding steady at 296. By end of October, I need to be down to 275. That is the current goal. So my plan: 

- Cross Fit
- Running (love running, had to stop with SCH)
- Yoga 
- Aerobics 
- Healthy diet 
- Daily green shakes 
- Vitamins: C, E, K
- Cinnamon
- Cayenne Pepper
- Wheat Grass
- PreNatals
- 1 tbls. Apple Cider Vinegar / day 


I have downloaded the app "Habits" that helps me keep track of when to take things and when I planned on exercising. It will remind me when I forgot something or skipped something. Of course, I can not start exercising until cleared at the next ultrasound by my current doctor, but once I am done bleeding and feeling better, back to the gym. 

-Emily

"Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand."
-Proverbs 19:21

WIP - The day we started to miscarry.

The Tuesday Before the Loss, my notes: 

I’m at thirteen weeks and four days. The spotting brown hasn’t stopped since our “big bleed” on July 10. Some days it’s lighter than others. Occasionally, it’s heavier if I have a full stomach or if I ate too much. The goal is to get to 20 weeks, when the baby can grow big enough to put some pressure on the clot and help break it up.

I was diagnosed with a Subchorionic Hematoma (SCH) at seven weeks when I was experiencing pain near my left hip and off and on spotting the prior two weeks of my pregnancy. My original OB (referred to me by a friend) did not have time to see me and do an ultrasound. They told me to go to the Triage center if the bleeding got worse. I quickly found myself a new OB who brought me and did an in-office Ultrasound for me. Dr. W might have saved our pregnancy.

She graciously did an ultrasound for a very panicky me, and found the hematoma.  Subchorionic hematomas, or hemorrhages, are very common in pregnancy. Although it doesn’t appear that there are many studies on them, they appear to not be at all standard, despite their commonality. The size, location, shape, and type of bleed can all affect the pregnancy in different ways. Our hematoma was on the right side of the sac, just below the placenta. It is crescent-shaped and started out as a thin line (it reminded me of the Cheshire Cat’s grin). But, the baby had a heartbeat, and looked like a gummy bear. I was so relieved to see the baby that nothing else mattered at that point.

After the ultrasound, Dr. W told me, in more eloquent terms than I am using now, that we’ll “just see what happens.” She sent me home with prenatals, delivery options (which she recommended I wait to read until we get further along in the pregnancy), and instructions to get my blood drawn at the local Path Group.

I went straight to the lab to get that taken care of, despite extreme fear of blood, and waited. The following Monday, Dr. W called me with very worrying news—my HCG levels were below average, and I was on the low to unsustainable levels of progesterone. She quickly prescribed a supplement that I was to take that evening. [Although progesterone does nothing once the placenta takes over, I am dutifully taking my pill every night. Please remember that I am extremely anxious. Just getting off of Prozac when we saw our BFP.]

About a month went by and everything seemed alright. The wonky pain by my hip would come and go, but I am still not sure if that is not just an unhealed horseback riding accident.

As we progressed, the clot grew wider, but not longer, from what I can tell. I have yet to be given any measurements by the OB (probably to not freak out an already anxiety-laden mom-to-be.) On Sunday, July 26, I started feeling… off. Hot, flushed, and I had lost my appetite completely. I stayed in bed all day except to make myself dinner. I assumed it was the bed rest making me feel the touch of cabin fever. But on Monday, I didn’t feel much better. I took my daily nap on my lunch break at work, and went to class after work to turn in a final. By the time I got home, I was not hungry, very tired, and felt like a bleed was coming on. My uterus felt a little sore, like I had overdone it that day.

The next morning, I woke up and was having serious cramping. When I went to the bathroom I had a gush of dark brown blood. It felt similar to my ‘big bleed’ but less volume, and it was definitely brown bleeding. I started panicking a little, which caused me to get shaky and a little nauseous. The bleeding continued throughout the morning and I was slowly filling up overnight pads with 100% brown blood. The forums all say this is good, but it didn’t feel good, because I was also cramping.

We checked the baby’s heartbeat on the Doppler, and I went to work. Having cleared my schedule, I sat with my feet up and listened to music while getting through my daily routine. It’s very hard to concentrate when you are going through this, but I do think having something to keep your mind busy helps. By this point, the cramps were like waves rolling over my body. Similar to a period cramp, but less painful.

I was a little worried these were labor cramps, but until I saw red blood, I wasn’t going to panic. The ER explicitly told me that if I was filling overnight pads more than one an hour for an extended period of time to come in. But if it was slower than that, I should be okay. Also, last time I was not hemorrhaging, it was from the hematoma. I have a known cause of bleeding, and brown blood is reportedly okay.

 I just wish I knew what was going on inside my body. Like I mentioned earlier, this is all very specific and relative to each individual pregnancy, so you can kind of get a sense of what is happening, but nothing is confirmed. Around 9 AM I needed to use the restroom. I hadn’t had a decent bowel movement in two days, so I wondered if the cramps were related to that. It seemed to help slightly—the bloated feeling I had been walking around with decreased slightly. But the cramps were still there. It felt slightly like a giant vice was gripping my hips and either pulling or pushing them apart. As the pain in my hips decreased, it moved up my body and felt like a muscle spasm.

Around 2pm (same time as the bleed on July 10^th) I stood up to refill my water and blood was gushing down my legs. I had filled an overnight pad in a matter of seconds. I had to strip down at work and try to dry myself off as best as possible. I guess the key here is to keep an extra pair of pants and underwear at my desk at all times if this is going to be a regular occurrence.

I decided to stay at work and see if I could curb the bleeding by sitting back at my desk with my feet propped up. Although it isn’t stopping, there have been no giant gushes like the first time. That is not to say there won’t be, just that it hasn’t happened yet. Currently, I am filling about one pad every hour and a half, which is just below what the baby Triage center said to come in for. I know once I get home and lay down this will improve. Oddly, my stomach almost feels better. The uterus is … tight? Or sore. Almost like it just ran a marathon. But the weird cramping is gone. I just feel fatigued and thirsty. Thank God for family. My mother is picking me up in 40 minutes and will take care of me tonight. My husband is off tomorrow and more of the same. It is at this point in life that I am so grateful we did not try to do this overseas. . .