It's been seven weeks now with our tiny human, and the world has shifted. Significantly.
I can't even explain how different things are, and I'm not sure it's worth trying. You will understand when you have children, or you already have children and you know what I mean.
There is a clear divide between pre and post baby, and it's like a whole separate life, and a whole different me. And to be honest, this new life is wonderfully scary. I'm not going to sugar-coat the mourning. I miss my 'freedom' and ability to do what I wanted when I wanted. If I could go back in time I would tell myself to take better advantage of that freedom. Now, everything is calculated and planned. Everything has to coordinate with the baby. And that's okay. It's also just exhausting.
She consumes our world and our energy. And I love that. I love having a purpose. She has given me new reasons to breathe.
I am also experimenting with my "mother's inutition". I've limited my board searching (to mostly POAS boards where women from my birth month pee on sticks to see if they're already pregnant. I do this not to judge, but partly out of jealousy. I miss being pregnant!!) We're doing this with our own instincts, and I think things have been running more smoothly.
She has a milk allergy, so we use Nutramigen. Everyone keeps telling us she'll get off the Nutramigen and onto regular formula soon. But you know what? She's gaining weight and happier than she's ever been. So I'm not worrying about switching her. She is allergic to my milk (dairy). So I am pumping and freezing while we get her leveled out. Eventually she'll get the breast milk, but for now, her baby acne and eczema has cleared up without my milk. We also have her on Aquafor and Eucerin baths. Poor thing has skin like her parents.
She's also tall (23") weighs 11.9 lbs and is a "mover" according to her pediatrician. She's rolling over from tummy to back and likes to hold her head up on her own. She rolls off of us when we're doing skin to skin.
She's amazing!!
So some fun products I'm trying -
We're installing our diaper sprayer, so I get to start using cloth as soon as it's functional! We have about 20 all in one diapers, so I'm hoping that will get us through two days, and then disposables at night. We got the bumkins sprayer, and I just need some pieces for the toilet connector and then we can start that. Yesterday I ordered her the new GroVia O.N.E. Onyx Stripe diaper. So far my favorite diapers are GroVia, Lalabye, and Thirsties. Blueberry too, but they seem to fit better when she's a little bigger. They just look all bunched up.
I also got her a SweeTooth teether. She's not teething according to the ped, but she chews on our fingers and fingernails and is drooling nonstop. So I wanted to have it for when she's ready for it.
I also got the new Ju-Ju-Be Chrome Be Classy bag as a purse for me when I go back to work. I've been using the BFF as her diaper bag and LOVE it. It's a big splurge, but I want to feel professional and 'together' when I go back to work. And that's a big step towards that. Before going back to work I need to:
Organize the house
Get cloth diaper plan in place
Get new clothes for me
Organize my clothes and try to pick colors/patterns/styles that all go together
Get rid of stuff (seriously, I need to read my organization book)
Get makeup together to do at work since she won't let me do it here yet (takes too long)
Go to Golds Gym and get my morning makeup stuff out of my locker
Lots to do, and only 4 weeks left to do it. My heart is breaking that work starts so soon, but life must go on and paychecks must be made.
Going forward, I will be writing my blog on my mommy page about growing up. But I'll come here to post about health stuff for subchorionic hematomas.
This has been an epic journey... and we've only just begun.
XxemxX
Showing posts with label baby. Show all posts
Showing posts with label baby. Show all posts
Saturday, October 15, 2016
Monday, April 4, 2016
Sigh.
If anyone out there reads my blog regularly, I think by now you can tell I'm a little neurotic. Not in a scary way, just in an anxious/nervous/overly invested way.
I just... I feel like the baby has died. I know that's so unhealthy. I feel like she is gone constantly. I am always checking for bleeding. I have to stop this thought train, or I am going to will it to happen. I think as we get closer to our 20 week appointment on Friday, the anxiety is just going up, up, up.
I am in the process of finding a counselor for this stress that works with our insurance plan, and just trying to keep myself calm in the meantime. I am so fearful. Saturday I just cried for half the morning because I don't feel like my body can do this. It has failed once, and now that this baby can hear, feel, move and poke me, I am so scared of letting her down because my body can't do it. If that makes any sense.
So yea! That's exciting. I wish I was stronger. I used to be this strong, fierce independent woman. And now, I feel like curling up in a ball is the extent of my abilities. I don't really know when it changed. I think when I came home from traveling abroad and couldn't find work in my field for years. When I let fear dictate my decisions. I think that's when I switched mentality from lion to fieldmouse.
So, this is deeper than a miscarriage or a loss (which wasn't very long ago, I do think waiting is probably better... but alas, here we are.) But all of those emotions are all merging into one giant stressball. Sigh. I can't wait for Friday. 20 week milestone, a day off of work, and our anatomy scan, check up, and glucose test. I think after that I will feel better. I hope so.
For the past week my abdomen has been so tight, and this morning I woke up and it was flabby again. These changes are normal, but I am so mindful of what is going on that I notice EVERY slight change. This friday I will be running through a list with my doctor and letting her know about my anxiety/stress. I also lost weight again, so I am down 2 lbs from where I started in this whole process. I know I am SUPPOSED to be losing weight, but I also don't have a tummy yet. All of these (even plus size) women I see at 19 weeks are HUGE, and I have nothing, I just look bloated. Maybe it's because I've ridden horses my whole life and those muscles are pretty strong (they are) but it doesn't help me feel better when I have no symptoms, weight loss in the second tri, can't 100% identify movement, and no baby bump.
It might be time to get back on something to calm me down through the final months of this process. We are a little over a month away from third trimester. You'd think I'd be calming down.
Here are some mantras I found that are helping me stay grounded:
I just... I feel like the baby has died. I know that's so unhealthy. I feel like she is gone constantly. I am always checking for bleeding. I have to stop this thought train, or I am going to will it to happen. I think as we get closer to our 20 week appointment on Friday, the anxiety is just going up, up, up.
I am in the process of finding a counselor for this stress that works with our insurance plan, and just trying to keep myself calm in the meantime. I am so fearful. Saturday I just cried for half the morning because I don't feel like my body can do this. It has failed once, and now that this baby can hear, feel, move and poke me, I am so scared of letting her down because my body can't do it. If that makes any sense.
So yea! That's exciting. I wish I was stronger. I used to be this strong, fierce independent woman. And now, I feel like curling up in a ball is the extent of my abilities. I don't really know when it changed. I think when I came home from traveling abroad and couldn't find work in my field for years. When I let fear dictate my decisions. I think that's when I switched mentality from lion to fieldmouse.
So, this is deeper than a miscarriage or a loss (which wasn't very long ago, I do think waiting is probably better... but alas, here we are.) But all of those emotions are all merging into one giant stressball. Sigh. I can't wait for Friday. 20 week milestone, a day off of work, and our anatomy scan, check up, and glucose test. I think after that I will feel better. I hope so.
For the past week my abdomen has been so tight, and this morning I woke up and it was flabby again. These changes are normal, but I am so mindful of what is going on that I notice EVERY slight change. This friday I will be running through a list with my doctor and letting her know about my anxiety/stress. I also lost weight again, so I am down 2 lbs from where I started in this whole process. I know I am SUPPOSED to be losing weight, but I also don't have a tummy yet. All of these (even plus size) women I see at 19 weeks are HUGE, and I have nothing, I just look bloated. Maybe it's because I've ridden horses my whole life and those muscles are pretty strong (they are) but it doesn't help me feel better when I have no symptoms, weight loss in the second tri, can't 100% identify movement, and no baby bump.
It might be time to get back on something to calm me down through the final months of this process. We are a little over a month away from third trimester. You'd think I'd be calming down.
Here are some mantras I found that are helping me stay grounded:
Tuesday, March 15, 2016
16 Week Check-In
Sorry I've been MIA for a while, I am trying to let time pass without overthinking things, but that is proving challenging. So here is what has been happening:
We had our 16 week check up, and baby is great! No signs of any bleeding in the hematoma. Heartrate is good (I still think high, but doctor didn't seem to mind) around 160. She (yes, she!) was laying on her side, so we didn't get a good profile, but the genetic screening came back with great results. Everything appears to be going fine!
Apparently the pain/pressure I was feeling below my belly was still RLP, and my doctor did not seem concerned at all. So the appointment was on a Wednesday, and we left feeling pretty good. The 20 week scan is scheduled, and we are a month away from half way cooked!
So, I guess after the appointment I started overdoing it, because the thick green mucus came back (with a vengeance). I started walking again, and my husband and I had sex for the first time in weeeeks, feeling like everything was okay, well, I'm pretty sure that caused the mucus. After doing some research, I'm fairly confident it was part of my mucus plug. I, of course, freaked out, and immediately put myself back on bedrest. I spent the entire weekend relaxing and didn't leave the house. By Sunday, it had diminished significantly. So by today (tuesday) the mucus is gone, but NOW I have a weird feeling down there. Sigh. IT NEVER ENDS! I am hyper sensitive to begin with, but now I'm wondering if I actually had/have a yeast infection. I have been wearing a pad every day for 4 months .... so I'm wondering ifit's too hot down there. Back to cotton underwear today, and doing some research.
So I think we are past the point of TMI at this point, but it basically feels like ... you know when you accidentally leave a little piece of toilet paper after wiping? it feels kind of like that down there. It doesn't hurt, but it's noticeable. I've checked and can't feel my cervix, so that is good (at least it's not down low). And nothing else seems off, but of course any little thing down there freaks me out. Especially since I'm terrified I have an incompetent cervix after the miscarriage (I know that was labor/contractions, and a hemorrage that irritated everything, but I still just opened up with no issues). I think at 20 week ultrasound they will look at my cervix for the first time, so yay, hopefully we make it through these next four weeks with little to no incidents and get halfway through. Then, we'll be talking about VIABILITY!!!! I am not there yet, we still have too long of a journey to go,... but we're getting closer! And I've been so busy during the workday that the weeks do seem to be passing quickly.
Anyways, that's what's up down there. It's always something, isn't it? I have decide how much I'm going to limit myself these next few months. I am going to err on the side of caution, because we've now made it this far. I have a daughter, and I love her, and I'd literally do ANYTHING to keep her safe. So we're just going to keep taking it a day at a time, and tackle things as they come up.
If you ask any of my care practitioners, everything is 100% perfect, so I am just going off of their diagnoses and telling myself to chill the fuck out. Stress is bad, apparently the cortisol levels can transfer to the amniotic fluid, and stress out the baby. So ... more meditation, more calming relaxing deep breathing, and less worrying about what's going on around me. If I were a horse, you'd be putting blinders on me right about now.
Oh, I think I can feel baby moving... Like right now, it feels like someone is blowing bubbles in my uterus. It's one of the most amazing feelings. The other night I swear I felt a kick! I am going to look today and try to find out why it's called "the quickening" (cause, come on, that's a Highlander thing, and how awesome to call feeling your baby move that??!!!). I wish I Wasn't carrying around all this extra weight, because I know my husband will not be able to feel her for a while. But that's okay, I know he will soon, and then he'll have the rest of his life to love her. :) .... Assuming we get through the next five months.
Also, he made an interesting point the other day. I don't think that I DESERVE to be happy, or have good things happen. Which is just strange, because my life is FULL of great things. I am very blessed and very lucky and work very hard to get what I want. But I think if I start to get excited about this baby she'll die. And I feel like if I want something, I won't get it, because I Don't deserve it. Stuff to talk to my counselor about I guess.
Anyways, I'm sure there's more, and I'll start being more active documenting things, although I feel like these month long waits are pretty much the same. Most of the time I don't feel pregnant (second trimester - golden trimester!) Unless I'm freaked out about something, or feeling pressure, or the baby is moving.
As a side note, I still expect blood every time I wipe, and I still am scared every morning when I wake up (and the multiple times throughout the night) that there will be a pool of blood around me again. I think I have the symptoms of PTSD, and I don't think I'll relax about it until the baby is healthy and viable and preferably here and full term here. So anyways, if anyone out there is struggling like that, just know that you aren't alone, this is a REAL THING, and what you experienced -- no matter how far into a pregnancy -- is a scary, horrible, terrible thing, and while we shouldn't dwell on the past, I want to validate your emotions. If you are scared like me, know that there is hope, and I believe that things can be okay, and that is what gets me through every day.
Also, a friend of mine is in counseling and they're discussing self worth. And there is a little exercise they told me about that goes like this -
This is a process to better understand that you are valuable and deserve good things. But, I am also going to apply the process to the miscarriage. Because I know I have been living in the past with this pregnancy, and now we're in a new week, and we're further than ever before, and people keep telling me it's all normal. So .... I'm going to start looking to dawn instead of watching the sun setting on the past.
-Emily
We had our 16 week check up, and baby is great! No signs of any bleeding in the hematoma. Heartrate is good (I still think high, but doctor didn't seem to mind) around 160. She (yes, she!) was laying on her side, so we didn't get a good profile, but the genetic screening came back with great results. Everything appears to be going fine!
Apparently the pain/pressure I was feeling below my belly was still RLP, and my doctor did not seem concerned at all. So the appointment was on a Wednesday, and we left feeling pretty good. The 20 week scan is scheduled, and we are a month away from half way cooked!
So, I guess after the appointment I started overdoing it, because the thick green mucus came back (with a vengeance). I started walking again, and my husband and I had sex for the first time in weeeeks, feeling like everything was okay, well, I'm pretty sure that caused the mucus. After doing some research, I'm fairly confident it was part of my mucus plug. I, of course, freaked out, and immediately put myself back on bedrest. I spent the entire weekend relaxing and didn't leave the house. By Sunday, it had diminished significantly. So by today (tuesday) the mucus is gone, but NOW I have a weird feeling down there. Sigh. IT NEVER ENDS! I am hyper sensitive to begin with, but now I'm wondering if I actually had/have a yeast infection. I have been wearing a pad every day for 4 months .... so I'm wondering ifit's too hot down there. Back to cotton underwear today, and doing some research.
So I think we are past the point of TMI at this point, but it basically feels like ... you know when you accidentally leave a little piece of toilet paper after wiping? it feels kind of like that down there. It doesn't hurt, but it's noticeable. I've checked and can't feel my cervix, so that is good (at least it's not down low). And nothing else seems off, but of course any little thing down there freaks me out. Especially since I'm terrified I have an incompetent cervix after the miscarriage (I know that was labor/contractions, and a hemorrage that irritated everything, but I still just opened up with no issues). I think at 20 week ultrasound they will look at my cervix for the first time, so yay, hopefully we make it through these next four weeks with little to no incidents and get halfway through. Then, we'll be talking about VIABILITY!!!! I am not there yet, we still have too long of a journey to go,... but we're getting closer! And I've been so busy during the workday that the weeks do seem to be passing quickly.
Anyways, that's what's up down there. It's always something, isn't it? I have decide how much I'm going to limit myself these next few months. I am going to err on the side of caution, because we've now made it this far. I have a daughter, and I love her, and I'd literally do ANYTHING to keep her safe. So we're just going to keep taking it a day at a time, and tackle things as they come up.
If you ask any of my care practitioners, everything is 100% perfect, so I am just going off of their diagnoses and telling myself to chill the fuck out. Stress is bad, apparently the cortisol levels can transfer to the amniotic fluid, and stress out the baby. So ... more meditation, more calming relaxing deep breathing, and less worrying about what's going on around me. If I were a horse, you'd be putting blinders on me right about now.
Oh, I think I can feel baby moving... Like right now, it feels like someone is blowing bubbles in my uterus. It's one of the most amazing feelings. The other night I swear I felt a kick! I am going to look today and try to find out why it's called "the quickening" (cause, come on, that's a Highlander thing, and how awesome to call feeling your baby move that??!!!). I wish I Wasn't carrying around all this extra weight, because I know my husband will not be able to feel her for a while. But that's okay, I know he will soon, and then he'll have the rest of his life to love her. :) .... Assuming we get through the next five months.
Also, he made an interesting point the other day. I don't think that I DESERVE to be happy, or have good things happen. Which is just strange, because my life is FULL of great things. I am very blessed and very lucky and work very hard to get what I want. But I think if I start to get excited about this baby she'll die. And I feel like if I want something, I won't get it, because I Don't deserve it. Stuff to talk to my counselor about I guess.
Anyways, I'm sure there's more, and I'll start being more active documenting things, although I feel like these month long waits are pretty much the same. Most of the time I don't feel pregnant (second trimester - golden trimester!) Unless I'm freaked out about something, or feeling pressure, or the baby is moving.
As a side note, I still expect blood every time I wipe, and I still am scared every morning when I wake up (and the multiple times throughout the night) that there will be a pool of blood around me again. I think I have the symptoms of PTSD, and I don't think I'll relax about it until the baby is healthy and viable and preferably here and full term here. So anyways, if anyone out there is struggling like that, just know that you aren't alone, this is a REAL THING, and what you experienced -- no matter how far into a pregnancy -- is a scary, horrible, terrible thing, and while we shouldn't dwell on the past, I want to validate your emotions. If you are scared like me, know that there is hope, and I believe that things can be okay, and that is what gets me through every day.
Also, a friend of mine is in counseling and they're discussing self worth. And there is a little exercise they told me about that goes like this -
- Remove toxic substances or behaviors from your life.
- Look back and make new choices about old messages and feelings.
- Develop new behaviors.
This is a process to better understand that you are valuable and deserve good things. But, I am also going to apply the process to the miscarriage. Because I know I have been living in the past with this pregnancy, and now we're in a new week, and we're further than ever before, and people keep telling me it's all normal. So .... I'm going to start looking to dawn instead of watching the sun setting on the past.
-Emily
Thursday, February 11, 2016
Apparently relaxation = bleeding
Went for our 12 week appointment yesterday. The doctor did an US and we saw Bazby in there jumping around, she could barely get the heartrate because it wouldn't be still! From what little I know about Nuchal tests, I think everything looked good, but we aren't doing a nuchal this time since we are doing the DNA screening for genetic disorders.
The doctor did not measure the baby, so I do not know if it is growing correctly, but it LOOKED like a 12 week old fetus - bones, jaw, moving around. She also didn't look at the uterus as a whole, so I don't know what is going on with the hematoma.
Since I have been having that gross discharge, she prescribed an antibiotic for a week, which is good, hoping that clears up. And my weight was down 1lb! Which, I know isn't a lot, but all things considered, I am happy. I made a deal with myself to get my Mama Bear shirt, but with the way our finances are, I Just can't justify spending the money. So that will wait for now.
Everything looked great, I went home excited. Heartrate was 170 so coming down closer to 'average'. I started letting myself get excited that tomorrow is our last day in the second trimester...
And I woke up to brown spotting.
What the fuck?!
I can't catch a damn break. I don't understand why this is happening. Can I literally stress myself into bleeding? This was when I would be on my period, so is it that? I'm so nervous, and the closer we get to the day we lost our angel I think the more anxious I will be. February 22 is the age Scrumbles left us, so I think I'll need to get past that day before I relax. And then to 20 weeks. and then to 40 weeks. and then until the baby is grown. And probably past that. But for right now I can feel my anxiety ramping up. I know it's not healthy, and I am meditating and trying to be calm, but it's very very hard. Especially with bleeding (even brown).
I will continue taking prenatals, prometrium, aspirin, and omega 3s. I will continue to eat as healthy as possible and lose weight.
But I am a freaking mess.
-Emily
The doctor did not measure the baby, so I do not know if it is growing correctly, but it LOOKED like a 12 week old fetus - bones, jaw, moving around. She also didn't look at the uterus as a whole, so I don't know what is going on with the hematoma.
Since I have been having that gross discharge, she prescribed an antibiotic for a week, which is good, hoping that clears up. And my weight was down 1lb! Which, I know isn't a lot, but all things considered, I am happy. I made a deal with myself to get my Mama Bear shirt, but with the way our finances are, I Just can't justify spending the money. So that will wait for now.
Everything looked great, I went home excited. Heartrate was 170 so coming down closer to 'average'. I started letting myself get excited that tomorrow is our last day in the second trimester...
And I woke up to brown spotting.
What the fuck?!
I can't catch a damn break. I don't understand why this is happening. Can I literally stress myself into bleeding? This was when I would be on my period, so is it that? I'm so nervous, and the closer we get to the day we lost our angel I think the more anxious I will be. February 22 is the age Scrumbles left us, so I think I'll need to get past that day before I relax. And then to 20 weeks. and then to 40 weeks. and then until the baby is grown. And probably past that. But for right now I can feel my anxiety ramping up. I know it's not healthy, and I am meditating and trying to be calm, but it's very very hard. Especially with bleeding (even brown).
I will continue taking prenatals, prometrium, aspirin, and omega 3s. I will continue to eat as healthy as possible and lose weight.
But I am a freaking mess.
-Emily
Wednesday, December 2, 2015
12 Things I Needed to Hear From the Doctor After My Miscarriage
http://healthcurecorner.com/12-things-i-needed-to-hear-from-the-doctor-after-my-miscarriage/
Couldn't have said this better myself. (((Hugs))) to every woman (and man) going through this.
-Emily
Couldn't have said this better myself. (((Hugs))) to every woman (and man) going through this.
-Emily
Thursday, October 1, 2015
Less than a week away from .... something
I know these posts have been few and far between, but that's because I've been using my time to get myself in better shape-- both mentally and physically. I have tapered off on taking supplements and researching hematomas. I want a fresh start, and Monday, October 4th my husband and I are going to visit the high risk OB. When I booked this appointment it seemed like ages away, and now here we are, less than a week away. I have no idea what to expect. What they'll say. If they'll agree with me on testing. I don't know how the appointment will flow, or even what it will cost. I have no idea what to expect, but I think, for once, that is a good thing.
It is the first day of October, 2015. The beginning of Fall in what has been an entirely too shitty year. Our wedding anniversary is twelve days away and the temperature has (finally) dipped out of the 80s. For most people, Fall is a time of reflection and family and looking back on the year. And I usually subscribe to that too. But this year, Fall is going to be about fresh starts, new beginnings, new relationships, and starting a new life. Both physically and emotionally.
I have started seeing a counselor as I tackle the issues in my life. I know that I am very blessed and fortunate to have what I have and be who I am. But I also know that I've spent the past 28 years shirking away from dealing with things. Emotions, actions, feelings. I feel like, as much as we loved our little baby, this process has helped me find inner strength. I have formed a new friendship, repaired my relationship with my husband, started to take responsibility for my finances, and planning on a real future, not a fantasy future. For the first time since July 31, I am starting to look to the future. I am starting to see a path for us to walk down together. And I have discovered how truly sad I am that we did not start trying to have children sooner. I know they say to wait and enjoy your lives together, but we've had 9 years, and I do feel responsible for not having healthy babies yet. If I only knew then what I know now. But, we can't sift through the past looking for wrong turns, all we can do is plan for a better tomorrow....
And tomorrow, and tomorrow, and then it's doctor day.
I know they will want me to lose weight. (Duh, I am pushing 300 lbs after a 20lb baby weight gain, and I can't seem to drop it). I don't know how soon they'll want to do blood testing. I have weaned myself off all of the supplements I was taking for the hematoma (cayenne pepper, E, wheat grass, cinnamon, Vitex) and all that's left is the prenatal. So hopefully the blood is pretty pure. ;)
Something interesting has come up, too. We've decided to wait to TTC again until our trip to Ireland. That is about 3 months away. I am sad we are waiting, as anyone who has experienced loss knows, you want to fill that ACTUAL void, but I am happy we have three months with each other to have fun, enjoy each other, and get ourselves as healthy as we can be before we experience this again. The few months are probably necessary emotionally, too, because if we have another hematoma, it's going to be a really terribly difficult road. And hard decisions will have to be made. Also, by January our ER bills will be officially paid off. We also noticed that I booked the trip over our original due date. That can't be coincidence. Life is a funny place.
So anyways, there is not much to update today besides the fact that I am fully healed internally, and I will have more news for you on Monday, and that emotionally, we're getting there.
-Emily
It is the first day of October, 2015. The beginning of Fall in what has been an entirely too shitty year. Our wedding anniversary is twelve days away and the temperature has (finally) dipped out of the 80s. For most people, Fall is a time of reflection and family and looking back on the year. And I usually subscribe to that too. But this year, Fall is going to be about fresh starts, new beginnings, new relationships, and starting a new life. Both physically and emotionally.
I have started seeing a counselor as I tackle the issues in my life. I know that I am very blessed and fortunate to have what I have and be who I am. But I also know that I've spent the past 28 years shirking away from dealing with things. Emotions, actions, feelings. I feel like, as much as we loved our little baby, this process has helped me find inner strength. I have formed a new friendship, repaired my relationship with my husband, started to take responsibility for my finances, and planning on a real future, not a fantasy future. For the first time since July 31, I am starting to look to the future. I am starting to see a path for us to walk down together. And I have discovered how truly sad I am that we did not start trying to have children sooner. I know they say to wait and enjoy your lives together, but we've had 9 years, and I do feel responsible for not having healthy babies yet. If I only knew then what I know now. But, we can't sift through the past looking for wrong turns, all we can do is plan for a better tomorrow....
And tomorrow, and tomorrow, and then it's doctor day.
I know they will want me to lose weight. (Duh, I am pushing 300 lbs after a 20lb baby weight gain, and I can't seem to drop it). I don't know how soon they'll want to do blood testing. I have weaned myself off all of the supplements I was taking for the hematoma (cayenne pepper, E, wheat grass, cinnamon, Vitex) and all that's left is the prenatal. So hopefully the blood is pretty pure. ;)
Something interesting has come up, too. We've decided to wait to TTC again until our trip to Ireland. That is about 3 months away. I am sad we are waiting, as anyone who has experienced loss knows, you want to fill that ACTUAL void, but I am happy we have three months with each other to have fun, enjoy each other, and get ourselves as healthy as we can be before we experience this again. The few months are probably necessary emotionally, too, because if we have another hematoma, it's going to be a really terribly difficult road. And hard decisions will have to be made. Also, by January our ER bills will be officially paid off. We also noticed that I booked the trip over our original due date. That can't be coincidence. Life is a funny place.
So anyways, there is not much to update today besides the fact that I am fully healed internally, and I will have more news for you on Monday, and that emotionally, we're getting there.
-Emily
Monday, September 21, 2015
Come Fund Us!
Quick access to our go fund me campaign - Angel Baby Rocks in Ireland
gofund.me/angelrocksireland
if you would like your loved one's name painted on a rock and pictured in a serene, beautiful place in Ireland, check out my gofundme. :)
Hoping it helps offset the cost, and a way to give back to those who donate.
-Emily
gofund.me/angelrocksireland
if you would like your loved one's name painted on a rock and pictured in a serene, beautiful place in Ireland, check out my gofundme. :)
Hoping it helps offset the cost, and a way to give back to those who donate.
-Emily
Wednesday, September 9, 2015
Things are weird, but life is moving along
So, I haven't written here since last week. It was Labor Day weekend, and honestly, I have been trying as hard as possible not to think about things. One thing people with anxiety do very well is ruminate. And that is one of my key stressers.
As a follow up, last week my hCG levels were at 5.5. I started my period the day after I had the blood test done, (hooray!) and am now back to charting my Basal Body Temperature every morning. That was what I did last time we got pregnant (that was all I did) and it seemed pretty accurate. I am most interested in finding out if I am going to ovulate this time, or if I will have a non ovulated period. Does that happen? It sounded like it could on some of my boards.
The wonderful nurse from the hospital called me last week, and we found out that the baby was buried, where he was buried, and how to find him. I want to go to the cemetery, but I also am a little scared to. That might not be a normal emotion. I just feel like I am starting to feel more normal, and going out there might bring a cascade of sadness/grief/self loathing back. I will definitely go visit him and his baby buddies ( they bury several babies in a small coffin together), but I just don't know when I will be ready. I am also going to wait to hear from my husband when he is ready, so we can go together.
The burial did not bring as much closure as I thought it would, Probably because we were not invited and had very little to do with the planning. But I do feel a sense of calm and peace that he had a Catholic burial in a holy cemetery and is not alone. That he is wrapped in linen and at peace in Heaven. He is definitely the coolest baby in his group of babies, and the most loved for sure. (I might be biased ;) ).
Now we march forward into cycle #2 post miscarriage. According to my charting, if we wait two cycles we could start trying again end of October. I do not think either of us are ready, and we still have so many medical bills and testing to do. I think we will realistically not be ready until November. Which means we get to try again November 11th. We also might be moving to a new place ( a house... with a yard, and a garage, within walking distance of my work ), and if that works out we will want to plan around moving so my husband doesn't have to do everything by himself.
I am also currently weighing in at 297 lbs, so I need to get down somewhere where I feel at least more comfortable before trying again. We are easily 3 months out. I know that the majority of me is ready, but like I said, there is always fear associated with this after what we've been through. And we can't try again until we are emotionally ready to face another hematoma.
Our doctor appointment with the specialist is October 5th. I will definitely keep this blog updated with how that goes, and what tests I request from them. I will also get their feedback. Once my hCG is at 2, I think my original OB will talk to me about options. I hope so. I would like to stay with her, but I am not going to just "try again" without making some adjustments to what happens with my blood and uterus. I really hope she suggests testing too. Either way, I need to know what is happening. If this happens again and we did nothing to prevent it I will feel incredibly stupid. If it happens again and we tried everything at least I can say "we tried everything".
One exciting thing happened this week. I met a new friend who is around my weight/height/place in life and is trying to lose weight and get in shape. We agreed to hold each other acocuntable and meet up for the Flying Pig in May 2016. She lives outside of chicago, I live outside of Saint Louis. This so far has been a great motivator, and I'm really happy I found her. Life throws you funny curveballs and sets you on paths. This new path is very strange.
I am finding new things out about myself. Things Istruggle with and things I excel at. I'm a little concerned about my job. I am seeing my work quality unbiased, and it's not great. I do worry my time will be short here. But I have found so many things I care about. Things I could do if this didn't work out for me. And I could be happy. I know I could.
Alright, my stomach is killing me, so I think I need to stop typing and go lay down. Not much longer until I get to go home and go to bed.
-Emily
As a follow up, last week my hCG levels were at 5.5. I started my period the day after I had the blood test done, (hooray!) and am now back to charting my Basal Body Temperature every morning. That was what I did last time we got pregnant (that was all I did) and it seemed pretty accurate. I am most interested in finding out if I am going to ovulate this time, or if I will have a non ovulated period. Does that happen? It sounded like it could on some of my boards.
The wonderful nurse from the hospital called me last week, and we found out that the baby was buried, where he was buried, and how to find him. I want to go to the cemetery, but I also am a little scared to. That might not be a normal emotion. I just feel like I am starting to feel more normal, and going out there might bring a cascade of sadness/grief/self loathing back. I will definitely go visit him and his baby buddies ( they bury several babies in a small coffin together), but I just don't know when I will be ready. I am also going to wait to hear from my husband when he is ready, so we can go together.
The burial did not bring as much closure as I thought it would, Probably because we were not invited and had very little to do with the planning. But I do feel a sense of calm and peace that he had a Catholic burial in a holy cemetery and is not alone. That he is wrapped in linen and at peace in Heaven. He is definitely the coolest baby in his group of babies, and the most loved for sure. (I might be biased ;) ).
Now we march forward into cycle #2 post miscarriage. According to my charting, if we wait two cycles we could start trying again end of October. I do not think either of us are ready, and we still have so many medical bills and testing to do. I think we will realistically not be ready until November. Which means we get to try again November 11th. We also might be moving to a new place ( a house... with a yard, and a garage, within walking distance of my work ), and if that works out we will want to plan around moving so my husband doesn't have to do everything by himself.
I am also currently weighing in at 297 lbs, so I need to get down somewhere where I feel at least more comfortable before trying again. We are easily 3 months out. I know that the majority of me is ready, but like I said, there is always fear associated with this after what we've been through. And we can't try again until we are emotionally ready to face another hematoma.
Our doctor appointment with the specialist is October 5th. I will definitely keep this blog updated with how that goes, and what tests I request from them. I will also get their feedback. Once my hCG is at 2, I think my original OB will talk to me about options. I hope so. I would like to stay with her, but I am not going to just "try again" without making some adjustments to what happens with my blood and uterus. I really hope she suggests testing too. Either way, I need to know what is happening. If this happens again and we did nothing to prevent it I will feel incredibly stupid. If it happens again and we tried everything at least I can say "we tried everything".
One exciting thing happened this week. I met a new friend who is around my weight/height/place in life and is trying to lose weight and get in shape. We agreed to hold each other acocuntable and meet up for the Flying Pig in May 2016. She lives outside of chicago, I live outside of Saint Louis. This so far has been a great motivator, and I'm really happy I found her. Life throws you funny curveballs and sets you on paths. This new path is very strange.
I am finding new things out about myself. Things Istruggle with and things I excel at. I'm a little concerned about my job. I am seeing my work quality unbiased, and it's not great. I do worry my time will be short here. But I have found so many things I care about. Things I could do if this didn't work out for me. And I could be happy. I know I could.
Alright, my stomach is killing me, so I think I need to stop typing and go lay down. Not much longer until I get to go home and go to bed.
-Emily
Thursday, August 13, 2015
I want to be pregnant.
We didn't have the easiest pregnancy. There was a lot of scariness, pain, and fear. But, I've never wanted anything more in my life than to be pregnant again. I loved having my little bean with me all the time. I loved having a secret world inside me. I loved having that connection with my husband, and how such a tiny little embryo changed our entire world.
My husband and I were so happy. I felt ... important. Not in a self serving or self-fulfilling way. I felt like I was doing important work. Like my job was valued and doing it well was important.
And I don't want another pregnancy to replace our angel baby. Because I know that will never happen. He is gone, and he was our first baby. The next babies will be our second, third, fourth, etc. children. But. All that being said, I want to be pregnant.
I am praying we get back on "normalcy" this month, so we can try again this fall. And, God willing, no hematomas and a sticky baby. I want the ultrasounds. The blood draws. If it means a happy, healthy fetus, I want it back. I'd do it all over again.
I know there are plans before it can happen again... my uterus cleaning itself out, my body getting in better shape, we really should even find a nicer living arrangement. But, my body is ready. I am ready. And I cannot WAIT until we get the chance to try again. Because this is what I was designed for.
-Emily
My husband and I were so happy. I felt ... important. Not in a self serving or self-fulfilling way. I felt like I was doing important work. Like my job was valued and doing it well was important.
And I don't want another pregnancy to replace our angel baby. Because I know that will never happen. He is gone, and he was our first baby. The next babies will be our second, third, fourth, etc. children. But. All that being said, I want to be pregnant.
I am praying we get back on "normalcy" this month, so we can try again this fall. And, God willing, no hematomas and a sticky baby. I want the ultrasounds. The blood draws. If it means a happy, healthy fetus, I want it back. I'd do it all over again.
I know there are plans before it can happen again... my uterus cleaning itself out, my body getting in better shape, we really should even find a nicer living arrangement. But, my body is ready. I am ready. And I cannot WAIT until we get the chance to try again. Because this is what I was designed for.
-Emily
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)