Lazy Posting

I just read the title of my blog again. "Surviving a subchorionic hematoma."

Surviving.

That is what I have been doing for over a year now. Just... surviving. I haven't been living. I haven't been fully and truly living and enjoying my life. I've been so scared, cowering from the fear of pain, loss, grief. The fear that we're going to go through another cataclysmic event. I am surviving.

And surviving--that is important. Probably just as important as living, because no one goes from pure, earth-shaking, heart-wrenching grief to fully living. The surviving is the middle stage. I needed to learn how to survive again, because there were times where I wasn't sure how I could. And even now, with life turning around for us a bit, and a healthy baby kicking my ribs, the thought of LIVING seems like a far-off, distant possibility.

But I see it again. I see it in my future... there is a little light shining ahead of me, glowing in the distance, almost within my grasp. A light where dreams come true, hard work pays off, and happiness can be found. My fear is still muting it. Trust me, I'm terrified. And I don't know if I'll be able to breathe easily until I hear my daughter screaming, and find out she's healthy. I know that I've got at least another week left before I am able to start moving towards that light of living.

Do I regret getting pregnant so quickly after my loss? In some ways, I feel like she got robbed. In some ways, I wish we had waited a little longer to allow the healing to have gotten further along. But, could we have fully healed not knowing if we could do the one thing we want most? Complete our family? I honestly don't know. Waiting could have prolonged the suffering even more.

But here we are, on the dawn of a new chapter. In so many ways. I just got a promotion at work, I can finally believe and trust that things might be okay financially. We can afford a new roof once I pay off some debt, in a few months I'll be able to start fixing stuff around the house that have been put on hold (rock beds, de-weeding, fence mending, power washing, getting into the attic, painting...)

These are all little glimmers of hope. Of light. Of a future I can believe in again. Did this baby suffer? I don't think so. She certainly won't when she's here. My fear has not kept either of us from bonding with her. If anything, we are too attached, and I am more scared of that than anything else. She is probably the most loved child on the planet right now (yea, yea, you think your baby is, you are wrong ;) ). So did she suffer for it? No. Will she? No. She is part of my glimmer of light.

And even if something happens... at least I can know that through the darkness and from the ashes I can rise yet again. We are all able to be reborn. So we learned from childhood Sunday school, and so we experience over and over again. And while I'm just a little fledgling, I am starting to believe that life is good again. It's hard, and sad, and scary, and bad stuff happens. Yes, it does. But it doesn't ALWAYS have to be bad.

So, give me a few more days of "survival", and then, we'll move into the living portion, where I start pulling back the shades and dipping my toe into the pool of life again. That's the hope, that's what I pray for, and that's what we're working towards. While I have no control of anything, that's where I'm at right now. It's the only way I can accept the past 16 months.

Baby update - no real contractions, no more braxton hicks, no mucus plug, baby in my ribs. No real progress. guessing no more dilation (we were at 1 cm for two weeks). While this doesn't mean jack, it also definitely doesn't mean I am in labor, and that's what we're aiming for!

Next appointment is friday, where I will be asking to schedule an induction / c-section. Physically, I feel wonderful! Hips are alright, sleeping not great, but sleeping, I am hot and sweaty and smell bad, and I officially can't eat dairy anymore because it tastes horribly disgusting. But mentally? Mentally, i am exhausted. Mentally, I am drained. Mentally there isn't much left. Work is sucking up the majority of the stamina I have left, and baby stuff... don't even get me started. The waiting. The watching. The not knowing. My brain is just about at the end of its rope. So yea, while I could go two more weeks physically, I am pretty much burnt out emotionally, and that's a scary place to be. So I should have more information for the blog after my appointment Friday. Last Wednesday we were "1 and a wiggle cm" dilated, cervix long and firm, but coming 'forward'. BP was 130/80 (creeping up). My hands are numb and tingly and puffy from carpal tunnel, my feet are like sausages, but the baby isn't showing any signs of being ready. I am frustrated and upset at my doctor (probably mostly hormonal, because logically I know why my baby isn't here in my arms yet, wiggling around. but emotionally, I am so mad that she's not after months of hearing we'd go early).

Yea... it's a weird place to be. A true holding pattern. Like the planes that land in London, circling around the river Thames, watching the Eye spin around, and cars attempt to get through gridlock, and Big Ben standing proud over his city. I'm just up here watching, waiting, and praying. Hoping for the best, and looking forward to the future. Finally, a future with light I can see.

-Em

Fear vs. Desire

Yesterday morning I had a really strange thought, "What if I'm pregnant?" 

I know that we discussed the likelihood of this being very, very, veryveryvery slim, but the reaction I had to the thought is what is notable. 

It was a split second of pure, unadulterated joy. Excitement. A future. And then immediately followed by all out fear. I am scared of this happening again, and I don't think that's something time will ever change. I am terrified of finding another black hole on an ultrasound, of making it 14 weeks and planning a future for a child. I am terrified of the pain I experienced when I delivered him. 

I think maybe that's something every new mother faces throughout her pregnancy, some equilibrium of fear and joy. But now that I am jaded to the entire process, my fear outweighs the joy, and I am trying so hard to enjoy the process, and let go, and realize this is going to be a new experience. But I am also a human who is capable of holding two thoughts in her head at once, and one of those thoughts is terror. A tiny voice in my head keeps saying, "I'll never carry a baby to term alive" and "Round two will be exactly the same as the first try." I know we are better prepared, but I can't help feeling these things. 

I've been reading a book my mom not-so-subtly left with a stack of mail she brought over called "Still to be Born". And it's helping me get through some of these feelings. Of understanding that our next child is its own person, and how to try to let some of the fear pass without letting our bodies act on it. Nature is cruel and unforgiving, and that is evidenced by the fact that my mind is absolutely positive we need to wait until we get back from "Whiskey Country", but my womb feels empty and demands to have her way. That must be the biological clock ticking away. 

 Anyways, this is a rambling post with really not point except to show what I am feeling on the dawn of ttc, and how much fear, anxiety, worry, happiness, excitement, joy and love there is in my head and heart all at once. And how the Desire almost always beats out the Fear when it comes to this kind of stuff. And how we, as women and men, grow, and get stronger as we face these trials. 

Time is short, so love now.
-Emily

Come Fund Us!

Quick access to our go fund me campaign - Angel Baby Rocks in Ireland 

gofund.me/angelrocksireland

if you would like your loved one's name painted on a rock and pictured in a serene, beautiful place in Ireland, check out my gofundme. :) 

Hoping it helps offset the cost, and a way to give back to those who donate.

-Emily

An Emerald Isle

Good morning, it is bright, early, and beautiful here in Missouri. The weekend we were blessed with had high temperatures in the 70s. I was able to enjoy time with my husband and my mother. She just got back from a two week trip to Washington, so it was nice to catch up.

My biggest project over the coming weeks will be to "purge" myself of unnecessary belongings. Partly because the 'new' Emily is very different, and I like having fewer 'things', and what  Ido have I want to be high quality. The other reason for this cleaning is my landlord told me yesterday that she is selling the house we live in. So we could, theoretically, be looking for a new home. With my husband in school full time, and paying all of our medical bills we don't have the money for a down payment on a home in the area we want to be. So we will continue to rent. But moving is a motivator to pare down on the excess stuff we have accumulated.

So, on to the baby stuff, which is why I'm really here. :)

My levels hit 1.9! HOORAY!! I am officially back to normal. We all knew this when I started my period! But, it is nice that the blood backs it up. I am instructed to contact my OB in a year for my annual check up, or if we start trying and have no luck in six months. She did not want to do any testing, which, to me, feels like a 'go ahead' to see the specialist. October 4th is the appointment with our high risk OB, and I will have much more news for you then.

Until then, I am working out with my new coach and new friend I met through a networking group on facebook. I am down another pound, huzzah! My temperatures never spiked, so I still do not know if I ovulated this month, but we will know in about 3 weeks when I track again. I was taking OPKs (Ovulation Predictor Kits) and had a positive, but only one, so it could have been a fluke?

Alright, here is the coolest thing, I think. We decided (perhaps while drinking... definitely while drinking...) to go to Ireland.

Now, I know I've been talking about cash and bills, and trust me, money is tight. But we just came into some money that deserved a good use. I have friends all over Britain who have offered to let us stay with them for free, and I work for a car rental company, so car hire will be half price. We will pack our own breakfasts and lunches, and try to eat inexpensive (to Tesco!). My husband is writing a six book fantasy novel series, and in book three the characters travel to Ireland. He has never been (and I've only ever been to Dublin) so he will be able to write part of that book while there. We are going to start in Dublin, go visit friends in Limerick, hopefully get up north, and then spend time in London. 

While we are there, I have decided to do Angel Rocks. I will write down names of Angel Babies (or any lost loved one) and take a picture of their rock in a beautiful Irish location. Then send the photos to the family. I've seen this done other places, and it is a very nice way to remember people and also a cool way to experience the world and spread the love. I even started a gofundme. For $15 if someone wants an angel rock, they can have one done in Ireland. For $5 dollars I will compile a list of names and do a larger rock. I think this will be a fun project, and help to offset the cost of our trip. 

gofund.me/angelrocksireland

Oh btw, did I  mention we will be ttc in Ireland? I mean, it's hopeful thinking... we will plan it around our charting, and of course it's a once in a lifetime chance... But we're going to try for it!!! 

Okay, so this is a very happy post, full of potential, possibility, and change. Let's embrace the change. :) 

-Emily