Three Options

So this is the last post you're going to hear from me until Monday, because  I am having an additional blood draw Friday, and won't get results until Monday. Unless something happens between now and then, we are currently in a holding pattern.

After spending the night thinking through options, here are the three things that might happen: 

1. We are on the other side of a miscarriage, levels will go down, and I will miscarry naturally before our appointment on Wednesday. 

2. We are on the other side of a miscarriage, levels will go down, but the progesterone is keeping me from miscarrying naturally, so we will need to do a D&C next week before we leave for Ireland. 

3. Everything is fine. 

That is quite the wide range of possibilities, but I think it covers everything. In all honesty, I am hoping that it's option 2 or 3, another week of bleeding sounds horrible to me after July, and I'd like my OB to check out my uterus to make sure it is shaped correctly and does not have any problems with it. 

So yea, we'll just have to wait and see what is happening. At this point, I really have no idea. But I do know that the appointment at the fertility clinic is booked. I have no idea why they are not putting me on suppositories for progesterone (many times more effective than oral). I also wish we could get an ultrasound done before we go another week. But, I bought a fetal doppler (it was on super sale, don't judge me!) to try to see if we can hear anything (I know it's early and I'm fat so it's very unlikely we'd find the heartbeat, but I loved having the doppler before when I rented one, so I'd like to have one going forward.)

My husband and I also discussed our long term options last night. And we decided that if this keeps happening, and my body can't sustain a pregnancy, there will be a time when we tap out and say 'no more'. And we'll pursue other options for our lives. It's a sad conversation to have, but we both have big dreams and goals, and while we want children, we also know that we aren't going to go to extremes and keep putting ourselves through this pain. 

-Emily

Two days from a New Year, and I couldn't be happier

Out with the old, in with the new.

I have never before felt that was so much my mantra as I have this year. 2015 was a turbulent and not quite wonderful year for our family. The fact that we are just two days away from 2016 - a "9" year, which my friend who is into astrology says is a wonderful thing because it means positive change and in tarot it means energy of attainment and renewal ... (not that I believe in that stuff, per se... ;) - a year of change sounds really great. Positive change. I can feel it, I can feel the past year sloughing away as we slide into 2016. 

The energy seems to be all around us. I know many, many people who are quite ready for the countdown to Midnight January 1st, 2016. This year was full of trials, tribulations, challenges, growth, and awakenings. I think we will carry these teachings into the new year. 

Anyways, I just wanted to check in and let you know how things are progressing, because apparently things are progressing. So much so that I have joined the "August 2016 Birth Club" on BabyCenter. That's brave, bold, and unexpected. But I love hearing stories from pregnant women due in August, like us, who are unaffected by loss and sadness. They are excited--posting pictures of their ultrasounds and planning when to have a baby shower, and discussing what they want to eat. As much as I love my support groups, and plan to stay active with them, I do enjoy the less ominous feel I get from these new or second, third, fourth time moms who may have experienced loss, but are looking positively towards the future. 

So I have decided to try to stay as positive as possible, and just be happy with whatever outcome we have. Because  I have learned that "que sera, sera" and what will be, will be. 

Our unoffiical due date would be August 26, 2016. I love that number, so many loops! 9-26-16. 
I am currently so hungry I could eat multiple cows a day. I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop and get sick. I woke up slightly nauseous at 3 AM today, but nothing came of it. Though, my last pregnancy I was hardly ever sick. Just occasionally in the afternoon my stomach would turn. Last time I hated sweets, and I am still not into chocolate, but last night for dinner I wanted a McFlurry. Just a McFlurry. So that is different. 

I have a doctor's appointment scheduled for January 13th at 10:15AM with Doctor W. this would be 7 weeks, 5 days along, which means we should get a heartbeat, image of the baby, and dating. Assuming she does an US, but after our last experience, I have a feeling she will if she can. If not, we'll schedule an ultrasound for 8 weeks (see, I think we'll just do it). 

I guess, until then, we'll just keep doing what we're doing and staying positive. So far, there has been no spotting, and I do not have that wonky pain on my left side that I had the entire time with our angel baby. I actually don't hardly feel anything at all, except hungry and exhausted (i.e. going to bed at 7:30pm). And the constant peeing and thirst. But honestly, not much else. I am also taking this as a good sign. 

I checked my calendar, and last time I visited the doctor in a panic on June 11, when I was 7 weeks, 2 days. I had been spotting and uncomfortable, and knew something was wrong. That was when she found the hematoma. And I had kept bleeding consistently since then. I already feel better about this. And even if there is no baby, or it's chemical, or even if I lose it this week or next, at least we know that we are capable of getting pregnant again (um, rather easily... as my husband would point out). So that is all positive, and I feel good. I feel like, for the first time in a while, that I could possibly be capable of doing this. Although 9 months seems like an excruciatingly long time for my body to behave, I have hope. I have faith. And I have love. And  I am praying that we can make it through this. 

Also, we put our deposit down on a puppy, so I will have a squishy, fat, puppy nugget to squeeze regardless of what happens. ;) 

-Emily

Darkening Lines

First test was 12.15 - approximately 11 DPO.

My hcg obsession progression

Deck the halls with bows of holly, falalalala....

Christmas week is here, and there is pep in my step!

We are officially in our new house, and yes, there are a TON of things to do, and yes, I might have overdone it this weekend, but  I don't even care because every little project makes a huge difference. I insulated all of the windows in the nursery (which is essentially a sun room). I insulated one window over the couch, and I an already feel a huge difference. I also cleaned the cabinets and put on new knobs (my husband thought that was a silly project, but it makes me happy and I feel ownership, and love putting my own taste into the place). We also realized that all of the fixtures (lighting, shower, sink, faucets) are in brushed nickel -- which makes sense with the coloring of the house, which is white and cream and black. But the door handles are ALL gold. So we're going to try to paint/stain them a new color instead of buying all new door handles. Since they are expensive. But that is a later project.

We have internet now (hooray!) the bug people are coming Wednesday, and the duct cleaners will be there today. And then the plumber and then after that I think we can manage the rest of the winter on our own. 

I will say though, it's CRAZY expensive. I feel like we're dropping $100 dollar payments like it ain't no thang. 

Anyways, on to the more relevant topic-this pregnancy! 

The lines are now SUPER dark, and a CLEAR positive! Friday night after we moved (when I really did overdo it) I had some achey pain in my uterus and had a little spotting. Since then, no spotting, though I am still wearing a pad just in case (remnants of the last pregnancy fear). The weirdest thing about this pregnancy is that I don't really FEEL anything. Last time I felt pain, and it felt uncomfortable. But I just feel normal, except for sore nipples and after about two hours I get extremely tired and have to sit down. Oh, and I am constantly hungry, but that could just be because I love food. 

So it's strange to have no 'pregnancy' feelings aside from knowing it's happening. I think that is a very very good sign. I am praying it is. I will be taking my little tooshie to church on Sundays with my friend and going to the Lord's house to send up every prayer I can think of to get us through these next nine months. 

To be perfectly honest, I don't think it's real yet. I still feel like it is not happening. Like it's chemical, or a blighted ovum. And I Guess it could be, but that is probably, again, leftover anxiety from last time.  So I will be scheduling a trip to the OB before our trip to Ireland. 

Also, I keep hearing about a particular local doctor. He is a specialist, and I've now had 4 separate people recommend him to me completely randomly. So I think we need to listen to those signs and go see him. I feel absolutely terrible leaving my current OB, but like one of my friend's said, it's not about hurting feelings, it's about ensuring the best future for your baby. So today I'm going to schedule an appointment with this doctor and we'll just take it a day at a time and go from there. 

Life certainly is a crazy place. How quickly it changes. How much hope, fear, love, and confusion can intertwine to create your day, month, or year. I am not going to lie, with the struggles we faced in the past year,I am a stronger person. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, but I have learned so much about myself and life and I am grateful that I am learning, and a stronger person for it. 

All the love to you, dear reader.
-Emily

p.s. tonight I will post the test strips progession

I'm seeing double

So this happened: 

The not-so-faint but still pretty faint positive

I.N.S.A.N.E. 

I cannot believe it. The odds were so slim--my husband is NEVER going to let me live it down! LOL This also explains all the emotions I've been feeling.

So we are one day out from my period, which means we are still EXTREMELY early to be having any kind of feelings about this. Especially since the test this morning was slightly lighter than yesterday, and my temp dropped a 1/10th of a degree. 

That being said, if we make it through to the weekend with no bleeding, I guess it is time to start believing this might be happening. Whoa. I am literally blown away....

Going to keep doing tests and see how the lines are darkening. Today I added back in: 

Cinnamon, Vitamin K, Vitamin E, and Vinegar (with "The Mother"). Also still taking Vitex. Starting back on my progesterone (after a three day lapse... i hope that didn't hurt things too much :( ) and still on the Prenatals with Folate....


I'm still in shock, and I still don't believe it's true... but my bladder believes it's true because I have been up to pee at 3 AM every night this week. And my lady nips are SORE. So... yea. 

What the what. 

-Emily

Seeing Things

So, I am not sure if I ovulated on Tuesday or Thursday, but depending, I am either 8 or 6 DPO (Days Post Ovulation) 

I took a FRER (First Response Early Response) just... because I am a nutcase and I find it fun. The test was negative, OBVIOUSLY, but then I started playing around with the color settings (which is what we nutters do when we test too early) and I swear I see a line.

I understand this could be a. my imagination b. the camera picking up on the antibody dye that is used there c. evaporation lines - the lines that turn pink when testing then fade.

Anyways, regardless of the outcome, I think it's super fun, and the waiting is a big game, and I love this part. So here ya go, make your own decisions! ... :) 

No tweaking done to this test, it is just what I see (a big fat NOTHING)

Tweaked with a different contrast/lighting.... is there a line there.... is it a ghost line.... is it signs of what is to come? I guess we'll find out in a week's time. :)

-Emily

It's a new dawn, it's a new day, and I'm feeling good.

I will tell you one thing about charting cycles--there is very little mystery leftover once you are counting down hours to ovulation. I can absolutely see how OBs tell their patients struggling to conceive to stop worrying and just have fun. Once you realize that your female reproductive system is *TYPICALLY* a well oiled machine, the chance of it going off track becomes less and less.

I preface this post with that, because my husband cracked under pressure, and we momentarily lapsed in our "abstinence until Ireland" (not exactly abstinence, but you get my point). But since I know my chart like the back of my hand, I am 90% certain there is no chance of conception. Not like I'm rooting for it, as you know, there is a lot on my plate right now, but it is kind of ... boring (that's not the right word at all)... comforting? predictable?? knowing your body's rhythms. We are just about 3 days shy of it being even a slight chance. 

Anyways, that's not what I'm here to talk about today. I'm here to talk about preparations for ttc. And since we are playing with fire, I have no fully loaded on the primary conception plans-

1. aspirin
2. prenatals
3. vitex
4. glucosamine
5. vinegar 
6. cinnamon
7. Progesterone 1 day post ovulation

In January, I will add back in Cayenne pepper and wheat grass, as well as start drinking my nettle tea each morning. 

I did end up calling the specialist, and they confirmed my phospholipid panels all came back negative. So, according to modern science, there is nothing wrong with me. I am not so convinced. I just found out a friend of mine from one of my hematoma boards who lost a baby at 20 weeks to a SCH was diagnosed with not one, but two hematomas in her current pregnancy. There is a chance they will break up and disappear, as that is the more common outcome for women, and those of us who have lost because of it might just be more sensitive to their appearance. But I think that, when it comes to bodies, there is so much science we don't understand yet, and this is a highly under-researched condition. And I do not believe they are flukes or chance. She was on all of the medicines I am taking, she took all the precautions, and yet here we are, more hematomas. More question marks and fear in a pregnancy that should be a boring 9 months. I will keep researching and putting what I find here, but I am not convinced that because I tested negative for phospholipid clotting problems or Leiden Factor V that there isn't something else going on. I guess we'll find out in my next pregnancy if we get another SCH. . . and the pregnancy after that... and the pregnancy after that. 

I also wanted to share something weird with you. Due to current work conditions, house-buying conditions, and other stress factors in my life, I developed an eye spasm last week. It was pretty bad, and it comes and goes when I am in stressful situations. So I was reading about cures last night trying to find SOMETHING to help. I stumbled on a blog of a girl who was told by her eye doctor to try Tonic Water. She said it cured hers, and any time it flared up, she'd drink tonic water and it'd stop. Tonic Water has quinine, a smashed up bitter root that is considered a muscle relaxant. Well, my husband brought home diet tonic water, and I drank half the bottle (after a. a glass of wine to relax me further and b. filling it with Mio cause tonic SUCKS) and no twitch today! It's also my first day back at work in a stressful environment after Thanksgiving and still no twitch!!! I will finish off the bottle tonight. So there you go - a life hack. Tonic Water = Kills Eye Spasms.

Alright, it's cyber Monday. Off to go find some deals and cross off Christmas lists. 

-Emily

Well hello there, November.

Tut tut, it is mid November and I am way behind on my life goals. I don't know how I got so derailed from my  "LOSE WEIGHT!" "TAKE SUPPLEMENTS!" "WORKOUT!" goals, but perhaps it is crushing depression, an inexplicable fear of success, and distractions.

Or maybe I'm just lazy.

That all being said, it is mid-November. Which means, you guessed it! We are ALMOST THERE for TTC THB #1 (read: Trying to conceive Take Home Baby #1). My husband and I agreed on January Ireland trip to start trying again. So now I am ready to start prepping my womb, body, mind and soul for the journey we are about to undertake. 

Step 1: Negativity be-gone
I have really struggled this past month to not hate myself and what I do. Counseling helps, but when you are your biggest antagonist, and you live with yourself 24/7, it is hard to keep positivity up. I have been reading some psychology magazines and articles, and I am pretty sure I suffer from a condition called "doesn't ever vent anger, so bottles it up and makes herself into a victim". That is a real thing, I swear! If you have no means or outlet for anger, you try to justify and rationalize the feelings. When you do this, you internalize everything and start thinking that everything is unfair to YOU (well, me). "My friends all had babies successfully" "My friends all are able to lose weight without struggle" "No one else struggles financially" ... I must just have a bad streak of luck. Well friends, that is not true. I have an amazing husband, an INCREDIBLE family, a wonderful support system of friends. I am not a victim in any way except to myself. These next few months will be spent healing and trying to soften the blows of the punches I throw at myself. And also trying to emotionally get excited for this process and the nine month (hopefully) pregnancy. I have continually written on here that I don't feel like I'll ever get a take home baby. And maybe not. But we're going to try to be as positive as possible going forward. 

Step 2: Fixing My Body
It needs 30 days for most people to form a habit. But for me, I can't seem to get past about 14 before something 'epic' and life-changing happens that makes me want to celebrate with food. And instead of nudging myself back in the right direction, I go all out and stop exercising and eat McDonalds. That can't be my strategy going forward. For the next two and a half months everything I do needs to be done for me and ALSO for the baby. Because I'm not just eating Lays potato chips for me, but also I'm creating the future home of our child, and I need to protect my body as much as I would protect our baby. 


Step 3: Facing fears
I am not strong sometimes. I will admit that. I am a submissive person by nature. I have a big personality, but my instinct is to duck and run when danger or confrontation arises. But I am realizing that those responses show a disrespect for myself, and I am NOT stupid or incapable. SO I am going to take Papa Roach's advice and Face Everything and Rise. (Papa Roach is my muse, I guess).  Facing fears will involve tackling certain tasks that I have been avoiding, confidently and outwardly addressing problems I have with people face-to-face at the time it happens, and making sure I fix myself up to prepare myself for all of these situations. A good friend of mine told me to get some new work clothes so I feel confident and powerful. I tried getting dressed up today and it worked. I do feel stronger (it could also be the Starbucks frappucino, but I am hoping it's also the clothes and shoes). So, a trip to JCP during their big sales is in order. Even though money is tight, I need some superficial confidence to get through these fear-facing moments. And trust me, I'm a very timid person. 


Step 4: Supplement party
I've listed here before what I plan to take as we start to try again. Starting now through January, I will gradually be adding back in the full regime so those little zygotes have a strong foothold in the world. 

November
Multi-vitamin prenatal
Glucosamine (for my knees, not for baby) 
Vitex (to lengthen my luteal phase) 

December
All of the above Plus
Vinegar (with the Mother - so it is actually potent, fibroids, general health) 
Switch to naturally occurring folate-filled prenatal (in case  I can't digest folic acid in its synthetic form)
Cinnamon (to counteract the glucosamine and regulate blood sugar) 

January 
All of the above Plus
Aspirin (to prevent clotting)
Wheatgrass (dunno, read it somewhere, worth a try to help body heal) 
Cayenne Pepper (another healing agent)

I will also start tracking my BBT (read: Basal Body Temperature) starting on CD 1 (read: cycle day 1, meaning first day of period) (which SHOULD be tomorrow). The tracking will help me understand when I ovulate, and the length of the luteal phase.

Luteal Phase Aside: The length of the luteal phase can effect pregnancies. If your body does not produce enough progesterone after ovulation, the zygote can't implant in the uterus successfully. The progesterone dries up and the uterus sheds its lining too quickly. This can be checked by monitoring your ovulation day with your first day of your period. If it is below 10 days, then you have a shortened luteal phase. (mine is appearing to be around 10, i think optimal is 12) I am fairly confident this hurt our pregnancy--the egg implanted, but pulled away because the lining was not thick enough, and my luteal phase was too short. I have been taking Vitex and it seems to be lengthening my cycle. However, I did not understand the importance of the luteal phase the first time around, and most of my BBT tracking disappeared (Glow Users - if you have a miscarriage and put that into your account, it will wipe all of your data. Which is just wonderful once you are already suffering.)  Aside Finished. 

After ovulation, I will take progesterone each day for nine days until my period. That will help the body produce enough progesterone to develop the lining of the uterus, but by taking it after ovulation you are not restricting ovulation (too much progesterone can tell your body not to drop and egg). 

My specialist has progesterone on order for me, but I also have some left over from last time. Hopefully the new order won't be vaginal, because I've watched a blog (with images) on that, and it gets pretty nasty up in thurr with vaginal progesterone. Yikes.

A note on Vitex - they say to stop taking immediately if you get pregnant, but story after story shows that women who took it several weeks into their pregnancy were fine and had no issues, and if they stopped taking it they lost the baby. It's a personal choice, but I think I will continue taking it until we get a successful "no hematoma" report. Praying for that day... 

Step 5: Not Caring

So, now you know that my day will be centered around tracking, tracking, tracking, and pills. Which kind of takes the fun out of the "T" in "trying to conceive". But don't worry, we are going to go about our lives and just be married. And have fun. I am definitely able to separate the two things, and it won't be an "OMG IT'S TIME" type situation. We're going to just enjoy life and see what it throws at us. My husband truly believes it will happen the first try again, but I am not convinced. Bodies don't work like that. So I think we'll realistically have until spring before this all works and I have any kind of positive. (but one can hope we get pregnant in Ireland with an Irish baby and we have the baby around Halloween - the best time of the year). 

Okay, that is all for today. I am going to also post a really interesting article about having sex all month even when trying to conceive. Apparently your body is distracted, or used to the semen, so it doesn't attack as hard when your cervical mucus 'ladders' are down. Also, another thing I will post is the BEST conception video I've ever seen. 

Emily

Adrift in a sea of craziness

There's a lot going on right now. I'm not gonna lie, I'm pretty overwhelmed.

But this is a good overwhelmed, it is a lot of change, and that is something I've been missing in my life for the past few years. 

So first things first, I never called the doctor back. I need to do that. I don't know why I haven't. I guess part of me doesn't want to know, and another part of me thinks it's all fine that is why I haven't heard from him, and ANOTHER part of me thinks it's their responsibility to call me if I have some horrible life changing problem. (Right?!) 

I guess with that in mind, there is probably no problem. And then the "I should still call them" cycle begins again.  Maybe  I will just do it today and get it over with. Bleh. 

Well, we put a bid on a house, and they accepted, so it looks like we are buying a house. We were preapproved for a loan, so now we just have to make sure we can get that loan, and the inspection is Thursday. Something feels right about getting a house before a baby. The master has a nursery attached, so we'll have a baby room attached to our room. There are two bedrooms, so we'll have a guest room, and eventually the baby will move into that room. And there is a finished basement. It's everything we need. As much as I miss Scrumbles, I know that our next baby will be so much happier growing up in an incredible neighborhood, with a house to call his/her own, and a puppy to snuggle with, and a better life than what we would have had just a few months ago. I am pretty excited, and happy that it's happening so soon.

My husband is insisting we wait until we go to Ireland before we start trying again. As much as I want to be angry at him for it, I do think it makes the most sense. I want to be pregnant so badly, and I'm watching as my baby boards friends are all conceiving. I feel like we are wasting time on an arbitrary date. But I know we will have more fun and be more relaxed if we aren't worried about the pregnacny. The stress of traveling, the concern about flying, drinking Whiskey. I know it will be magical if we can experience the trip together. But my biological clock doesn't stop ticking just because I tell it to. And now that we have a REAL LIFE HOUSE in an incredible city it feels even more important to get pregnant. I think we will have to temper that desire with staying busy, exercising, and working on getting the house move-in ready.We also volunteered to have either Christmas or New Years parties, so it will be really fun to be with family and friends around the holidays in our new place. We sign on December 18, which means we will have a house for Christmas. I know that 2016 is going to be a better year. I know it is going to be full of changes and love and building new things and experiences. I cannot wait. 

Alright, changing gears. I am going to tell you a little story. Three months ago I had a second trimester miscarriage. I holed myself away from social events, society, and people. I decided that by Halloween I would be ready to go back out, and that timing was pretty accurate. In that time, my close friends stuck by me, but I was still keeping them at an arm's length. I hadn't seen any extended family since 4th of July. When Halloween rolled around and I was ready to get back out there and live my life, what I realized is that no one was there waiting for me. My friends had forgotten me. Life went on. They made plans without me. I half expected a last minute Halloween party to pop up. We did get two offers, but one was with a friend who hadn't talked to me or asked how I was doing or even knew we had a miscarriage. So. No. The other was a friend who was going to her mom's house. And as fun as that would have been, we would have been the awkward couple that tagged along. 

I guess it taught me a valuable lesson. and that lesson is stick with your family. and don't waste time with people who don't care about you. And that I am a changed person. And there is really no going back. That life before was different, and I feel now how truly connected I am to my husband and how we have eachother and need to stick with each other no matter how bad the world around us gets. I love him so much. 

So, after waking up on November 1st and feeling very alone (not alone alone, but alone in the friends area) I made this list. It is going to be how I live my life from now on. Even though I am incredibly shy, this list will be my new mantra: 

BE KIND
BE CLEAR
BE BRAVE
DON'T WASTE TIME (on people that don't matter)
BE EFFICIENT 
BE CALM
BREATHE

You are welcome to use my list. :) I am finding it helps tremendously in all things. 

Emily

All the thoughts originate from the mind.

I keep dreaming about being pregnant. Reading pregnancy tests that show positives. Last night I dreamt I took one, and it was strong positive, but the strip was twisted, so I couldn't turn it in the right direction to read it. 

I also have FELT pregnant, although according to family planning methods that is simply not possible. But the feelings are bringing up a lot of emotions about my angel baby. Last night I was just... sad. For him. For us. For my womb. For the future. I am scared and sad, and it comes and goes in waves. They always say that grief will hit you randomly and you can't expect it or plan for it, and last night was just one of those times. I have started a new weight loss plan "Choose to Lose" by Chris Powell, and it is going to be difficult. And his book had me think and say a lot of affirmations to help me take control over my body, and in doing so, I think it must have stirred up some stuff. 

Maybe I feel like I am turning a page on this chapter. Like it's on to the next one. My husband did not cry with me this weekend. I think he is healing. And that is such great news, I am elated. And I am healing, but it still hurts sometimes. Randomly. Like last night. And I knew so little before everything, and now I know so much that I wish I didn't. And I can't help but think that this will just be how it goes forever. That there is never going to be a warm wiggly baby that I get to take home. So in that line of thought, I just say "fuck it". And then a lot of other things matter more,and I am able to feel better. Even if only temporarily.

I am starting to accept and absorb that we are waiting to try again until January. As hard as it sounds right now,w e are not emotionally, financially, or physically ready to do this again. We have submitted for a mortgage loan, and might be looking to buy a house. Which would be a huge endeavor, stressful, and I wouldn't want to be pregnant during that process. I also know that the exhaustion and life changing events are going to be permanent if we get to take home a baby -- seeing my new-parents friends is evidence of that. So waiting is feeling okay. And getting my body under control is so important right now. 

But sometimes I get sad. And that's just the way this goes, I think .

I also have not heard back from the specialist, so I plan on calling him on Friday. I think he told us if we didn't hear anything it was good news. But you just never know, so I want to be sure. If nothing is wrong, I will be happy. I have gotten to the point where I will be glad to know I am functioning and what we tested for is not a cause of what happened. If it happens again,we will test for new things. I guess it's like the duck shooting game at the carnival where you just keep knocking the ducks down with pellets until there's nothing left and you either solve the mystery, or go home and decide to be wealthy entrepreneurs with no kids....

Anyways, I felt this blog deserved an update, as it has been two weeks with nothing. And that's not me keeping you in the dark, it's me being in the dark. I have no more answers. I just know how to walk the path laid out ahead of me. And we are so far from it being something we are actively trying that I've thrown away the thermometer and tracking and stopped taking everything but prenatals. I don't even want to look at that stuff right now, because it just makes me sad and angry. 

I will update if I learn more.

-Emily

5 Vials

It is a record. Today they drew 5 vials of blood. I went to a new testing facility (new OB=new facility). The girl was very good, and she let me lay down, or else I pass out. I didn't pass out! And she only had to stick me one time. We got the blood relatively quickly, but throughout this whole process, we have never drawn five vials before. Not even for the genetic screening! (That was 3 vials, and that was also a challenge.) 

Anyways, the blood draw went fine, but I thought I'd share with you what they are testing for in those five vials. 

1. Cardiolipin AB Screen
http://www.hopkinslupus.org/lupus-tests/antiphospholipid-antibodies/ 
Testing may also be ordered when a woman has had recurrent miscarriages and/or ordered along with lupus anticoagulant testing as a follow-up to a prolonged PTT test. When cardiolipin antibody is detected, then the test may be repeated several weeks later to determine whether the antibody is temporary or persistent. Moderate to high levels of cardiolipin antibodies that persist when tested again 6 weeks later indicate the likely continued presence of that specific antibody, which may be associated with excessive clotting or recurrent miscarriages. (https://labtestsonline.org/understanding/analytes/cardiolipin/tab/test/) 

2. Lupus Anticogulation 

Lupus anticoagulants are antibodies against substances in the lining of cells. These substances prevent blood clotting in a test tube. They are called phospholipids.

Persons with these antibodies may have an abnormally high risk of blood clotting.https://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/000547.htm 

https://labtestsonline.org/understanding/analytes/lupus-anticoagulant/tab/test/ 

3. Anti-B2 Clycoprotein Antibodies
https://labtestsonline.org/understanding/analytes/beta-2-glycoprotein-1-antibodies/tab/test/


So, after a brief scan, these are all related, and all  clotting issues that cause recurrent miscarriages. This is a good thing, because I do know I don't have the Factor V Leiden clotting disorder, but these seem to be more common. 


I still stand by my initial response that these will all turn up negative, but I am glad we will know for sure. I'm pretty anxious about hearing back from the specialist. He should have results by next Monday, and I should hear from him mid-to-late next week. (Since it took me 4 days to get the balls and energy to go get tested.) 

Once I know more, I will share on here. I just met (through a Baby Board) a girl who was diagnosed with this stuff, and she was told to wait to try to conceive for 12 weeks, when they would do another round of testing. Hearing that would be ... heartbreaking. But maybe good. I don't know. I don't know how I'm feeling. After having a little more sleep, and some time to collect myself, I am feeling slightly better. Still exhausted - mentally and physically - but better. I feel like every time I start climbing out of the dark, though, my husband jumps back into the abyss. Will these roller coaster days ever level out? 

I don't know, just going to keep blogging and doing things to make life better.

-Emily

Come Fund Us!

Quick access to our go fund me campaign - Angel Baby Rocks in Ireland 

gofund.me/angelrocksireland

if you would like your loved one's name painted on a rock and pictured in a serene, beautiful place in Ireland, check out my gofundme. :) 

Hoping it helps offset the cost, and a way to give back to those who donate.

-Emily

An Emerald Isle

Good morning, it is bright, early, and beautiful here in Missouri. The weekend we were blessed with had high temperatures in the 70s. I was able to enjoy time with my husband and my mother. She just got back from a two week trip to Washington, so it was nice to catch up.

My biggest project over the coming weeks will be to "purge" myself of unnecessary belongings. Partly because the 'new' Emily is very different, and I like having fewer 'things', and what  Ido have I want to be high quality. The other reason for this cleaning is my landlord told me yesterday that she is selling the house we live in. So we could, theoretically, be looking for a new home. With my husband in school full time, and paying all of our medical bills we don't have the money for a down payment on a home in the area we want to be. So we will continue to rent. But moving is a motivator to pare down on the excess stuff we have accumulated.

So, on to the baby stuff, which is why I'm really here. :)

My levels hit 1.9! HOORAY!! I am officially back to normal. We all knew this when I started my period! But, it is nice that the blood backs it up. I am instructed to contact my OB in a year for my annual check up, or if we start trying and have no luck in six months. She did not want to do any testing, which, to me, feels like a 'go ahead' to see the specialist. October 4th is the appointment with our high risk OB, and I will have much more news for you then.

Until then, I am working out with my new coach and new friend I met through a networking group on facebook. I am down another pound, huzzah! My temperatures never spiked, so I still do not know if I ovulated this month, but we will know in about 3 weeks when I track again. I was taking OPKs (Ovulation Predictor Kits) and had a positive, but only one, so it could have been a fluke?

Alright, here is the coolest thing, I think. We decided (perhaps while drinking... definitely while drinking...) to go to Ireland.

Now, I know I've been talking about cash and bills, and trust me, money is tight. But we just came into some money that deserved a good use. I have friends all over Britain who have offered to let us stay with them for free, and I work for a car rental company, so car hire will be half price. We will pack our own breakfasts and lunches, and try to eat inexpensive (to Tesco!). My husband is writing a six book fantasy novel series, and in book three the characters travel to Ireland. He has never been (and I've only ever been to Dublin) so he will be able to write part of that book while there. We are going to start in Dublin, go visit friends in Limerick, hopefully get up north, and then spend time in London. 

While we are there, I have decided to do Angel Rocks. I will write down names of Angel Babies (or any lost loved one) and take a picture of their rock in a beautiful Irish location. Then send the photos to the family. I've seen this done other places, and it is a very nice way to remember people and also a cool way to experience the world and spread the love. I even started a gofundme. For $15 if someone wants an angel rock, they can have one done in Ireland. For $5 dollars I will compile a list of names and do a larger rock. I think this will be a fun project, and help to offset the cost of our trip. 

gofund.me/angelrocksireland

Oh btw, did I  mention we will be ttc in Ireland? I mean, it's hopeful thinking... we will plan it around our charting, and of course it's a once in a lifetime chance... But we're going to try for it!!! 

Okay, so this is a very happy post, full of potential, possibility, and change. Let's embrace the change. :) 

-Emily

Period.

Have you ever HOPED for your period to start? I can count on my hand the number of times I was relieved when Aunt Flow arrived. Usually it was a hope that she'd arrive early enough that I wouldn't have to mess with her on a vacation. 

Now that we are mid fertility issues, I pray for blood every time I use the restroom. Which, is the exact opposite of what I prayed for when I was pregnant. But I've now gone all of August with no period, and until it returns we can't even begin to talk about the future or TTC. 

I know I mentioned this before, but a coworker told me she had a miscarriage at nine weeks, never went to the hospital, had horrible cramps the following month, and became infertile. I am so scared of that happening. And with no period, I feel very broken in the sense that my lady parts are not functioning. 

That all being said... yesterday afternoon I had my first spotting. For me, periods rarely start with spotting, it just kind of... starts. But this will be a whole new experience, and I think spotting is actually a good sign! I was SO excited when I saw that! I laughed at the situation, because everything is so relative. But since yesterday, no more spotting. 

Yesterday was also my two-week blood draw. We are still monitoring levels, and I'm hoping we're at 2. If we are , and I'm spotting, then I think this is all good news. The only thing I DON'T want is to find out I'm pregnant again. Because with the uterus having leftover gunk, not being on progesterone, and not having blood checked, this could happen all over again. Although I don't think there is any chance of that happening (pregnancy)...

So, fingers crossed bleeding, low levels, and September is the beginning of a new life for my body. 

I also ended up signing up with the personal coach Erica. She messaged me my "plan" today, so I get started for this month with the rest of her girls. I can't wait! Things are looking up, I've started NutriSystem, and so far so good. Weigh in is on Friday with my friend Kat, and we will keep eachother accountable as we go forward. 

So, while it's strange to hope for bleeding, I think it's going to be good.

Also--we just started getting hospital bills. I think they should give you a discount if you don't get to take home a baby. How unfair is that? Sigh. It will also push back our trying, because we need to get financials under control. Sigh. I bet we won't get to TTC until December. Which is still within our ORIGINAL plan, but I am so ready to be pregnant  again. And start our family. Even though my husband is just now processing emotions... so maybe December is a more realistic goal than November. 

-Emily 

Feeling strange, hot, and wanting my period to start

If anyone who is reading this has ever experienced PMS, then I would like to tell you that I have been experienced AMPED-UP PMS symptoms for the past two weeks. 

Hot. Cold. 
Pain.
Cramps.
Anger. (So much anger).
Uncertainty.
Emotional rollercoasters. 
That feeling like you're about to start bleeding.
Eating everything around me (then feeling sick) 
Craving suits.
Absent-minded. 
Frustrated. 

Oh my gosh, it is nuts. And every time I go to the bathroom I hope to see blood (quite the opposite of the past few months!) because I don't know about you, but when I start bleeding the crazy hormones abate. I just want the sweet release of not wanting to bite everything around me. Yes, bite. 

Next Wednesday, I go back to the lab for a blood draw. Although the tests are showing completely negative, so I truly believe this is my hormones leveling back out. I also am not showing any ovulation on the home tests, so I will be starting to track my morning temperature. It's the most cost-effective way to watch my body for now. I'm debating investing in a nice thermometer, but I can't find one under 100 dollars without crazy reviews that have no consistency. So maybe I'll start off with just our regular old thermometer. 

I said I wanted normalcy, and this is apparently how we get there. I feel so bad for my husband. Last night I came home, we fought, I cried, and then passed out from exhaustion. And then everything was okay once I woke back up.... seriously. 

That all being said, I reached out to some women on the "Trying to conceive after a 2nd/3rd trimester loss" page, and they told me that I could not get back to a regular cycle for 12 weeks. Which, that breaks my heart, but I do feel better. At least I am in the realm of normal, and I will not be sterile forever. It sounds like most women experience their first period about 6-8 weeks post miscarriage. Which means I might be right in the realm of normal. 

Normal. 

I'm not entirely sure what life will be like now. I know the normal will be a new normal. And I'm okay with that. We also are looking at renting a house, so that could be an exciting change... or we'll stay in our crappy apartment and try to save money to buy a house. I don't know. I really am leaning towards getting my "Que sera sera" tattoo, because  I need to learn to sit back and let life happen and stop trying to death grip force it into place. t

-Emily

MTHFR explained

While carousing the BabyCenter "Subchorionic Hematoma Support Group" forums, I stumbled upon an incredible conversation about the MTHFR genetic mutation.

According to the poster, sometimes people with SCH find out later they have a genetic mutation on the MTHFR gene, which causes a lot of different problems (more research below). One of the side affects is that folic acid in the synthetic form--what is in most prenatals--cannot be processed by our bodies. Here is her quote:

"My friend was taking a prenatal made with folate. Some people, most people who develop and SCH later find out they have a genetic annomonly called MTHFR with 1 or multiple variants. Missing this enzyme the body cannot utilize folic acid and only a small percentage of folate found naturally in vegetable and food. Folic acid is man made and people with this annomonly cannot utilize it at all. The methyl version is already preconverted with the enzyme so the body uses it right away. No need to try and break it down." Babyjoy427

http://community.babycenter.com/post/a57019279/?cpg=2#c2505863098 

This is NOT scientific information that you should rely on--please do your own research before taking any supplements and talk to your care provider. I am not a medical professional in any way, and this is just my place to organize my thoughts before we TTC again this fall. 

BabyCenter is an extremely valuable resource for up-to-date information about this stuff, and long after my trials and tribulations are over, you might find that the ladies there have discovered even more relevant and current information to you. 

Apparently, this genetic mutation can cause depression, miscarriage, addiction, etc. Kind of crazy. Another good source on this can be found here: http://ghr.nlm.nih.gov/gene/MTHFR 

I know we have discussed MTHFR before, so let's move along. 

I have started taking the Wondfo ovulation test strips. We are now 24 days post miscarriage (3.5 weeks) and no sign of a period. Or even really of ovulation. This worries me, as it means I could still need a D&C, but we're hoping that is not the case. There's a chance I ovulated and missed it, or I am just slow, but that is why I am testing. Best case scenario, I start my period later this week. Worst case scenario, we are still two and a half weeks away from a period. I am also going to test today for pregnancy, and see if that is still triggering the BFP on the wondfo sticks. If I am still showing hCG, then  I won't be ovulating, and then we'll just see what happens next week in my blood draw. 

Here is what I am hearing: 

1. Ovulation occurs 2-4 weeks after a miscarriage. 

2. Your period begins 2 weeks after ovulation. 

If my levels are still above 2, I won't be ovulating, and then no period, and then my body's hormones are all crazy and we need to figure something out with the OB. 

*I know most of this blog is a trigger, and I need to put a warning, but here is a big trigger* 

I am also tracking CM, because sometimes that helps me determine ovulation. Of course, I have been dry up until just last week. And what there is has been sticky, yellowish-tinted, almost globules. It is stretchy, but not creamy like lotion or runny like egg whites. I guess there is a possibility it is an infection, but I just don't think so. I think it's my body figuring out where it is in this process and pulling itself out of a nosedive of insane hormones. 

I will report back tomorrow on the results of the preg. test, and see how that compares to the one I took last Monday. I am hoping we are in the clear. This waiting thing is starting to drive me a little crazy! 

But on a brighter note, I went for a mile walk yesterday, and it felt really good. Tomorrow I will attempt GoldsFit, as my tattoo feels almost entirely healed. I will try it and see how far we get... no idea where my body is fit-wise, but I know it's worse than before. 

Weight - I have officially gone OVER my pregnancy weight. I don't know what's happening with me, i guess it's the food. I need to get it under control, because I know I can't do a pregnancy this heavy. I need to lose about 30 lbs before I feel comfortable getting pregnant again. And that's a LOW END estimate. I am going to try NutriSystem starting on Sunday. I think having a set of meals will help. We will see. Definitely frustrated. 

-Emily

The week of the baby club, and how I am backsliding.

Our two closest couple friends are pregnant. My best friend is due Friday and my husband's best friend is due... right now. They are both having sons. Their sons would be the same ages apart from our angel baby as we are with our friends. We were going to have a built in baby group--our babies would have a group of boys to run wild with as they grew up. 

There is no hope now of our children being anywhere near close in age. They'll reach those pivotal milestones long before our future baby will. And maybe we'll get pregnant again (I hope so, anyways) when they are on their second babies. I don't know. 

But all of this happening this week, it just... makes my stomach clench up. And I feel sick. And sad. And angry. And empty. I feel like we'll never have a healthy baby. I can't imagine how those couples who lose two, three, four in a row and keep going. The strength they must have... I don't know how they endure the loss. I am feeling so discouraged right now. It doesn't help that my hCG levels are wonky, and I'm waiting on yet another call from my OB. For another possible week of surgery. 

So, I sit here, staring at my phone, dreading/looking forward to the moment we get the calls. The squirmy, healthy, angry little boys that are on their ways to us. The first picture of the proud mother and father, holding their perfect babies and the year they've carried them successfully. And I do not begrudge them that. or their happiness. I am not bitter, and I am very happy for them. I still have mixed emotions about whether or not I want to see their babies right away. I just don't know what I'll feel. I am not normally an "emotional" woman, but I do think that might not be the best move to make right now. 

Anyways, I know there is always hope where there is faith and love. But today, I just want to disappear and redo the past 6 months. I feel like a bad friend, but that's all there is to it. I'm just sad and feeling the loss today. 

-Emily