Friday Morning Musings - Come On Baby....

Alright, so it's been a while since a real update. Here's where we're at:

1.5cm dialated
Baby weighing in at 7lbs 3oz
Glucose levels hovering between 74-130 (Yay!) (But eating more to try to keep them above 90, so ... might be gaining more weight?)
Might be losing some of my mucus plug, but not confirmed

So at the last doctor appointment I was told - basically - that because of my obesity, we are screwed either way. Hear me out. The baby's head and bones are all slowing down and measuring correctly 37 weeks. However, her abdomen is measuring 40 weeks. Which puts us at risk for shoulder displasia if she comes vaginally and is too big (i.e. 39/40 weeks). If she comes early (this week or next) we might be okay, as my doctor thinks my body could handle a 7 or 8 lb baby.

However, if she doesn't come early, we will have to do a c-section. But, because of my excessive amounts of fat, I am at risk for "wound breakdown". Yes, something new to worry about. Basically, the weight keeps the stitches from healing properly and the wound breaks down. Which could require debridement. And honestly? I'm scared it could permanently ruin my uterus. I could be barren at 28 because I'm fat.

Doctor also told us that if she comes now, she should be okay size-wise and functionally good. So in my head, this means "okay baby, time to come." I'm praying she makes her appearance within the next 10 days. Preventing a c-section, and preventing shoulder displasia. Which, by the way, can result in broken collar bone or PARALYSIS.


After hearing these possibilities, I am pretty heartbroken. My poor life choices have resulted in me or my baby being hurt, me being infertile, or even more complications. I know I worked very hard on the diabetes meal plan, but I do wish I could try again and be even better so it never got this bad. I was very good, but not perfect. I know that. And I'm mortified.  What I do know is that I will never, ever, ever be this heavy again, and I will never go through pregnancy this heavy again. And  I will also start weaning myself off of caffeine and fake sugars and try to live as healthily as possible and also up my workout schedule. This is going to require a life change. And also a life change for my baby's sake so she never has this issue either.

I'm just... sad. Sad that there is a tiny human in me who we can't get out without danger unless she decides to come on her own, and let's be honest, what first time baby comes 3 weeks early when they're all snug and cozy in there? I am very concerned.

Not to mention, work has been insane. I'm training my temporary replacement, which has proven to be more of a challenge than I like to admit. There is some sense of control I dislike letting go. But more than that, she is very grabby, and also not very thorough. So I am seeing mistakes and worried about leaving. I know it will all work out, but I was hoping for a smoother transition. There are also questions about my job, which I believe will result in a positive outcome, but for the time being it is disconcerting and worrying and stressful. I was hoping these last few weeks would be calm and a time to wrap up. Instead, I'm just being bombarded with new challanges, and by Friday  I want to curl into a ball and sleep/cry.

The thing they don't HONESTLY tell you about working full time and pregnancy? Your brain just doesn't work the same. Your body is physically exhausted. And you just. don't. care. Like, you want to, and you try your hardest, but the only thing that matters is your tiny baby in your tummy. And how can anything matter more than that ever? It's been difficult. I care so deeply about my job, my team, my performance, our products.... and it's weird walking away from it for 3 months, and handing over all of my responsibilites to someone. Which is very scary. What if she is better than me? What if they find my position unnecessary? What if they find mistakes while I'm out and fire me? All of these things are anxiety speaking, and I'm sure once baby gets here they'll hardly matter, but it's making my last month of work very stressful.

Not to mention, I still have THREE WEEKS LEFT. I don't know how that is even possible. My best friend is pregnant and she is already 1/2 way through her pregnancy. How do I still have almost a month left? There are only nine months in this process, and the last one truly does take an eternity. Having anxiety, fear, and exhaustion, oh and being obese and terrified of the outcome -- those all play into it, I am sure.

Sorry, I had this beautiful, bright sunny mentality last week, and this week it's like I can't even force myself to get out of bed. My brain is full, my heart is heavy, and i'm thinking this is post-partum kicking in early. My doctor is already aware, and we will address that with medication.

I just want that happiness back. But between work, health, fat, finances, husband, I am distracted and worried and not a damn thing seems to be helping, because once I tackle one demon, another pops up.

I guess that is life, and we have to learn to get through it together. I will console myself by going to the tax free weekend sale at Once Upon a Child and getting some cute baby items and telling myself that no matter what happens to me, this baby is my number 1 priority and her health is all that matters.

Now, to roll around on my exercise ball, drink Red Raspberry Leaf Tea, and eat pineapples. Oh and walk. Come on baby, be ready. We're so ready for you.

Em

Goodbye, motivation!

This weekend was rough. Several times I thought I might be having contractions or going into labor. Nope, just my hips. Always my hips!

Friday afternoon and Saturday it felt like a wasp had stung my urethra (I wish that was an exaggeration). I thought I was getting a UTI infection. I did some reading, and others said it was just pressure and hips spreading. Okay, so Saturday and Sunday I did NOTHING. Laid around in bed, rested, no extreme movements. By Sunday afternoon the pain had waned.

This morning (Monday) I can feel it again, but not like last week. Friday I had stood for about an hour and a half chatting with people, and then walked across campus twice, so I am wondering if that aggravated the feeling. Thursday I went swimming, so maybe some combination of the two caused the pain.

Either way, I will be mentioning it at my OB appointment on Wednesday. I originally planned to move the appointment back to Monday the 20th, but my anxiety is getting the best of me right now.  I am so grateful for my therapist, who I saw Saturday for the first time in three weeks. She really does help me calm myself down, and put things in perspective. Also, a good friend who is coming out of that three month newborn fog reached out, and she helped ease some of my fears. So Saturday, in tears, in bed, debating going to L&D.... to today, feeling slightly calmer and in less pain.

I am making a list to ask the doctor Wednesday.

Stuff like-

• What is the plan for the next two and a half months? (I can't keep going and not knowing what to expect. Anxiety, by definition, is the fear of the unknown. So it's time to take control of these appointments). I also want to schedule as many appointments as she'll let me so I can make sure work is informed in advance of when I'll be out. 
• I want to know how we'll measure the baby, and make sure the placenta is still okay. How many kicks is too many/not enough. (Welcome to anxiety, where TOO MANY KICKS is a concern.) 
• What happens if my GD numbers get too crazy? 
• Blood pressure? 
• Swelling? 
• When do I call in to prevent a problem, or when am I being too paranoid? 

I'm sure this list will grow over the next three days.

Anyways, aside from that, trying to focus on positive outcomes. I am picturing baby girl sliding out without issues, hearing her cry, and then feeling her on my chest and counting her perfect little fingers and toes. Picturing us wrapped in a warm light of love and hope. That's my reality. That's the reality I am imagining.

Yesterday I was laying on my side in bed, just with my hand on the left side of my belly button, and I swear I felt her foot. It was hard and small, pushing against my hand. It was the single coolest thing I think I've ever experienced. My daughter's little foot stretching out.

I love her so, so much. If anything happened, I am not sure I could recover. I would be devastated. I know I would learn to go on, but this ... amount of love. This amount of love can be devastating. it is scary. But I'm letting it happen, slowly, because she needs it. She needs all of our love for the time we have her. And if my image of August 26th comes true, she'll get love on the outside, too. But for now, I am channeling my love inward.

Anyways, I should  know more Wednesday after the appointment. Just wanted to get it off my chest here how terrified I am, how much I want her safe, and how my therapy is helping me take control of the situation where I can, and demand answers for the care I'm paying for. Not that my OB isn't already doing this as if everything was going well ( because it is), but I need a little extra coddling ,and she needs to know that.

We also still have to go get the TDapp... D-Tapp? I can't remember. Anyways, it's whooping couch. I'm a little hesitant with all these fetal vaccinations, but since it is in the area, I suppose we need to do it before she's here as opposed to after.

Life is crazy. I will tell you that.

Friday I have taken the day off work to get the nursery ready with my mom. I am excited, but doing this stuff also worries me. Planning for the best, but preparing for the worst might be where my head is at right now. Trying to find happiness in this stuff, but it scares me.

Anyways, love. That's all it is. Just love. That's all we  can do.

-Em

Sigh.

If anyone out there reads my blog regularly, I think by now you can tell I'm a little neurotic. Not in a scary way, just in an anxious/nervous/overly invested way.

I just... I feel like the baby has died. I know that's so unhealthy. I feel like she is gone constantly. I am always checking for bleeding. I have to stop this thought train, or I am going to will it to happen. I think as we get closer to our 20 week appointment on Friday, the anxiety is just going up, up, up.

I am in the process of finding a counselor for this stress that works with our insurance plan, and just trying to keep myself calm in the meantime. I am so fearful. Saturday I just cried for half the morning because I don't feel like my body can do this. It has failed once, and now that this baby can hear, feel, move and poke me, I am so scared of letting her down because my body can't do it. If that makes any sense.

So yea! That's exciting. I wish I was stronger. I used to be this strong, fierce independent woman. And now, I feel like curling up in a ball is the extent of my abilities. I don't really know when it changed. I think when I came home from traveling abroad and couldn't find work in my field for years. When I let fear dictate my decisions. I think that's when I switched mentality from lion to fieldmouse.

So, this is deeper than a miscarriage or a loss (which wasn't very long ago, I do think waiting is probably better... but alas, here we are.) But all of those emotions are all merging into one giant stressball. Sigh. I can't wait for Friday. 20 week milestone, a  day off of work, and our anatomy scan, check up, and glucose test. I think after that I will feel better. I hope so.

For the past week my abdomen has been so tight, and this morning I woke up and it was flabby again. These changes are normal, but I am so mindful of what is going on that I notice EVERY slight change. This friday I will be running through a list with my doctor and letting her know about my anxiety/stress. I also lost weight again, so I am down 2 lbs from where I started in this whole process. I know I am SUPPOSED to be losing weight, but I also don't have a tummy yet. All of these (even plus size) women I see at 19 weeks are HUGE, and I have nothing, I just look bloated. Maybe it's because I've ridden horses my whole life and those muscles are pretty strong (they are) but it doesn't help me feel better when I have no symptoms, weight loss in the second tri, can't 100% identify movement, and no baby bump.

It might be time to get back on something to calm me down through the final months of this process.  We are a little over a month away from third trimester. You'd think I'd be calming down.


Here are some mantras I found that are helping me stay grounded: