Antibacterials.

Flagyl is available as a generic termed metronidazole. Common side effects for Flagyl, Flagyl ER and Flagyl Injection include nausea, abdominal cramps, stomach upset, vomiting, diarrhea, constipation, headache, weight loss (anorexia), dizziness, or a metallic taste in the mouth.

-Wikipedia

Hello, welcome to my life for the past week!


The green mucus discharge came back, and while my OB prescribed flagyl, we hoped it'd go away before I had to take it. Well, it didn't. So I started the round of anti-bacterials again. It's not fun. The metallic taste is almost the worst side effect, but I mean, they're all not really pleasant. And the constant stomach pain makes me think I'm miscarrying.


Thank God for modern medicine--only a few years ago an infection could cause not only a loss, but a death for the mother. So yay for that! I won't complain too much. But I am so ready to be done with the Flagyl. And I'm SO READY to be closer to 30 weeks so I feel safer about baby if anything happens.


Anywho, aside from the above side effects, I also think (after talking with my doctor and doing some reading) that I have Pelvic Girdle Pain. I can barely lift my legs in bed. Rolling over is a struggle, and by the end of the day it hurts to stand. I tried walking, thinking I was just stiff, but it seems to make it worse. I just need to get to May 25th so pools open and I can swim. it's one of the few physical activities that doesn't hurt the hips, so come on summer, let's get these pools rolling! :)




Let's see, what else. I think I am feeling some movement, but nothing externally yet. I am hoping by 28 weeks my husband will be able to feel something. Again, it could just be gas from the Flagyl. But I'm pretty sure it's the baby. not much today, but she was pretty active yesterday, so I am thinking she's just tired today.


Work -

My brain is so foggy, you guys. I can hardly keep anything straight. even with crazy detailed notes. It is getting harder and harder to keep up, and we're extraordinarily busy right now. I also am struggling with caring. I know that's horrible. But I have a meeting today that is going to require some finesse and creative thinking to avoid pitfalls, and I just don't have the energy. I don't know how we're going to make it through four more months. Trust me, I want her to stay in there nice and healthy, but I'm going to really need some kind of help with mental clarity to make it through.


I'm also exhausted again.


Rolling my eyes so hard at myself. I am happy, trust me. I am overjoyed that things seem okay. But I'm logging this stuff because it helps to know what's going on for the future.


anyways, gonna try to get organized for the week. I love my baby so much, so I'll do whatever it takes to keep her safe.


-Emily

16 Week Check-In

Sorry I've been MIA for a while, I am trying to let time pass without overthinking things, but that is proving challenging. So here is what has been happening: 

We had our 16 week check up, and baby is great! No signs of any bleeding in the hematoma. Heartrate is good (I still think high, but doctor didn't seem to mind) around 160. She (yes, she!) was laying on her side, so we didn't get a good profile, but the genetic screening came back with great results. Everything appears to be going fine! 

Apparently the pain/pressure I was feeling below my belly was still RLP, and my doctor did not seem concerned at all. So the appointment was on a Wednesday, and we left feeling pretty good. The 20 week scan is scheduled, and we are a month away from half way cooked! 

So, I guess after the appointment I started overdoing it, because the thick green mucus came back (with a vengeance).  I started walking again, and my husband and I had sex for the first time in weeeeks, feeling like everything was okay, well, I'm pretty sure that caused the mucus. After doing some research, I'm fairly confident it was part of my mucus plug. I, of course, freaked out, and immediately put myself back on bedrest. I spent the entire weekend relaxing and didn't leave the house. By Sunday, it had diminished significantly. So by today (tuesday) the mucus is gone, but NOW I have a weird feeling down there. Sigh. IT NEVER ENDS! I am hyper sensitive to begin with, but now I'm wondering if I actually had/have a yeast infection. I have been wearing a pad every day for 4 months .... so I'm wondering ifit's too hot down there. Back to cotton underwear today, and doing some research. 

So I think we are past the point of TMI at this point, but it basically feels like ... you know when you accidentally leave a little piece of toilet paper after wiping? it feels kind of like that down there. It doesn't hurt, but it's noticeable. I've checked and can't feel my cervix, so that is good (at least it's not down low). And nothing else seems off, but of course any little thing down there freaks me out. Especially since I'm terrified I have an incompetent cervix after the miscarriage (I know that was labor/contractions, and a hemorrage that irritated everything, but I still just opened up with no issues). I think at 20 week ultrasound they will look at my cervix for the first time, so yay, hopefully we make it through these next four weeks with little to no incidents and get halfway through. Then, we'll be talking about VIABILITY!!!! I am not there yet, we still have too long of a journey to go,... but we're getting closer! And I've been so busy during the workday that the weeks do seem to be passing quickly. 

Anyways, that's what's up down there. It's always something, isn't it? I have decide how much I'm going to limit myself these next few months. I am going to err on the side of caution, because we've now made it this far. I have a daughter, and I love her, and I'd literally do ANYTHING to keep her safe. So we're just going to keep taking it a day at a time, and tackle things as they come up.

If you ask any of my care practitioners, everything is 100% perfect, so I am just going off of their diagnoses and telling myself to chill the fuck out. Stress is bad, apparently the cortisol levels can transfer to the amniotic fluid, and stress out the baby. So ... more meditation, more calming relaxing deep breathing, and less worrying about what's going on around me. If I were a horse, you'd be putting blinders on me right about now.

Oh, I think I can feel baby moving... Like right now, it feels like someone is blowing bubbles in my uterus. It's one of the most amazing feelings. The other night I swear I felt a kick! I am going to look today and try to find out why it's called "the quickening" (cause, come on, that's a Highlander thing, and how awesome to call feeling your baby move that??!!!).  I wish I Wasn't carrying around all this extra weight, because I know my husband will not be able to feel her for a while. But that's okay, I know he will soon, and then he'll have the rest of his life to love her. :) .... Assuming we get through the next five months.

Also, he made an interesting point the other day. I don't think that I DESERVE to be happy, or have good things happen. Which is just strange, because my life is FULL of great things. I am very blessed and very lucky and work very hard to get what I want. But I think if I start to get excited about this baby she'll die. And I feel like if I want something, I won't get it, because I Don't deserve it. Stuff to talk to my counselor about I guess.

Anyways, I'm sure there's more, and I'll start being more active documenting things, although I feel like these month long waits are pretty much the same. Most of the time I don't feel pregnant (second trimester -  golden trimester!) Unless I'm freaked out about something, or feeling pressure, or the baby is moving. 

As a side note, I still expect blood every time I wipe, and I still am scared every morning when I wake up (and the multiple times throughout the night) that there will be a pool of blood around me again. I think I have the symptoms of PTSD, and I don't think I'll relax about it until the baby is healthy and viable and preferably here and full term here. So anyways, if anyone out there is struggling like that, just know that you aren't alone, this is a REAL THING, and what you experienced -- no matter how far into a pregnancy -- is a scary, horrible, terrible thing, and while we shouldn't dwell on the past, I want to validate your emotions. If you are scared like me, know that there is hope, and I believe that things can be okay, and that is what gets me through every day. 

Also, a friend of mine is in counseling and they're discussing self worth. And there is a little exercise they told me about that goes like this - 

1. Remove toxic substances or behaviors from your life.
2. Look back and make new choices about old messages and feelings.
3. Develop new behaviors.

This is a process to better understand that you are valuable and deserve good things. But, I am also going to apply the process to the miscarriage. Because I know I have been living in the past with this pregnancy, and now we're in a new week, and we're further than ever before, and people keep telling me it's all normal. So .... I'm going to start looking to dawn instead of watching the sun setting on the past. 

-Emily