16 Week Check-In

Sorry I've been MIA for a while, I am trying to let time pass without overthinking things, but that is proving challenging. So here is what has been happening: 

We had our 16 week check up, and baby is great! No signs of any bleeding in the hematoma. Heartrate is good (I still think high, but doctor didn't seem to mind) around 160. She (yes, she!) was laying on her side, so we didn't get a good profile, but the genetic screening came back with great results. Everything appears to be going fine! 

Apparently the pain/pressure I was feeling below my belly was still RLP, and my doctor did not seem concerned at all. So the appointment was on a Wednesday, and we left feeling pretty good. The 20 week scan is scheduled, and we are a month away from half way cooked! 

So, I guess after the appointment I started overdoing it, because the thick green mucus came back (with a vengeance).  I started walking again, and my husband and I had sex for the first time in weeeeks, feeling like everything was okay, well, I'm pretty sure that caused the mucus. After doing some research, I'm fairly confident it was part of my mucus plug. I, of course, freaked out, and immediately put myself back on bedrest. I spent the entire weekend relaxing and didn't leave the house. By Sunday, it had diminished significantly. So by today (tuesday) the mucus is gone, but NOW I have a weird feeling down there. Sigh. IT NEVER ENDS! I am hyper sensitive to begin with, but now I'm wondering if I actually had/have a yeast infection. I have been wearing a pad every day for 4 months .... so I'm wondering ifit's too hot down there. Back to cotton underwear today, and doing some research. 

So I think we are past the point of TMI at this point, but it basically feels like ... you know when you accidentally leave a little piece of toilet paper after wiping? it feels kind of like that down there. It doesn't hurt, but it's noticeable. I've checked and can't feel my cervix, so that is good (at least it's not down low). And nothing else seems off, but of course any little thing down there freaks me out. Especially since I'm terrified I have an incompetent cervix after the miscarriage (I know that was labor/contractions, and a hemorrage that irritated everything, but I still just opened up with no issues). I think at 20 week ultrasound they will look at my cervix for the first time, so yay, hopefully we make it through these next four weeks with little to no incidents and get halfway through. Then, we'll be talking about VIABILITY!!!! I am not there yet, we still have too long of a journey to go,... but we're getting closer! And I've been so busy during the workday that the weeks do seem to be passing quickly. 

Anyways, that's what's up down there. It's always something, isn't it? I have decide how much I'm going to limit myself these next few months. I am going to err on the side of caution, because we've now made it this far. I have a daughter, and I love her, and I'd literally do ANYTHING to keep her safe. So we're just going to keep taking it a day at a time, and tackle things as they come up.

If you ask any of my care practitioners, everything is 100% perfect, so I am just going off of their diagnoses and telling myself to chill the fuck out. Stress is bad, apparently the cortisol levels can transfer to the amniotic fluid, and stress out the baby. So ... more meditation, more calming relaxing deep breathing, and less worrying about what's going on around me. If I were a horse, you'd be putting blinders on me right about now.

Oh, I think I can feel baby moving... Like right now, it feels like someone is blowing bubbles in my uterus. It's one of the most amazing feelings. The other night I swear I felt a kick! I am going to look today and try to find out why it's called "the quickening" (cause, come on, that's a Highlander thing, and how awesome to call feeling your baby move that??!!!).  I wish I Wasn't carrying around all this extra weight, because I know my husband will not be able to feel her for a while. But that's okay, I know he will soon, and then he'll have the rest of his life to love her. :) .... Assuming we get through the next five months.

Also, he made an interesting point the other day. I don't think that I DESERVE to be happy, or have good things happen. Which is just strange, because my life is FULL of great things. I am very blessed and very lucky and work very hard to get what I want. But I think if I start to get excited about this baby she'll die. And I feel like if I want something, I won't get it, because I Don't deserve it. Stuff to talk to my counselor about I guess.

Anyways, I'm sure there's more, and I'll start being more active documenting things, although I feel like these month long waits are pretty much the same. Most of the time I don't feel pregnant (second trimester -  golden trimester!) Unless I'm freaked out about something, or feeling pressure, or the baby is moving. 

As a side note, I still expect blood every time I wipe, and I still am scared every morning when I wake up (and the multiple times throughout the night) that there will be a pool of blood around me again. I think I have the symptoms of PTSD, and I don't think I'll relax about it until the baby is healthy and viable and preferably here and full term here. So anyways, if anyone out there is struggling like that, just know that you aren't alone, this is a REAL THING, and what you experienced -- no matter how far into a pregnancy -- is a scary, horrible, terrible thing, and while we shouldn't dwell on the past, I want to validate your emotions. If you are scared like me, know that there is hope, and I believe that things can be okay, and that is what gets me through every day. 

Also, a friend of mine is in counseling and they're discussing self worth. And there is a little exercise they told me about that goes like this - 

1. Remove toxic substances or behaviors from your life.
2. Look back and make new choices about old messages and feelings.
3. Develop new behaviors.

This is a process to better understand that you are valuable and deserve good things. But, I am also going to apply the process to the miscarriage. Because I know I have been living in the past with this pregnancy, and now we're in a new week, and we're further than ever before, and people keep telling me it's all normal. So .... I'm going to start looking to dawn instead of watching the sun setting on the past. 

-Emily

Hematomas Abound.

I have another subchorionic hematoma. 

I have another subchorionic hematoma.

I have another hematoma. 


Apparently at my last appointment the ultrasound tech did not want to freak me out (as you are aware, I am easily freaked out), but she saw a small bleed. I am finding this out today as I was brought in for an emergency scan due to the increasing brown bleeding I was experiencing yesterday. What she told me today is that the area of the bleed decreased dramatically, and is no longer black, but grey. So her theory is that the brown blood is the hematoma healing and resolving itself. 

The baby is growing perfectly, has a heart beat of 183 (strong!?) and is adorable. It was even wiggling a little bit. 

But I had another ... have another ... subchorionic hematoma. The tech did say "I think this baby is a keeper!" But they are almost ALWAYS super optimistic. I am waiting for a call from my OB today to see if she wants me to get another progesterone shot. Until then, I am putting myself on modified bedrest, and will not be doing ANYTHING for a while. At least until our 12 week scan.

I am relieved, scared, shocked, upset, happy, scared, overjoyed, scared. Mostly scared still, but also happy we identified where the blood could be coming from, and that the area looks to be healing. Healing is a positive, good thing, yes? Yes. Yes. And I am 100% positive this baby is a little girl. So if anyone is going to heal up  a wound and punch her way into the world it will be a tiny me. 

Here are pictures, baby's head is on the left, butt is up in the air. I circled what the tech said is the hematoma: 

Prayers prayers prayers. All day long.

-Emily

Research

http://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0111676

"In general, the earlier gestational age a hematoma was diagnosed, the worse outcome the pregnancies tended to have. One reason for this may be, in the middle and late pregnancy, the gradually diminishing cervical barrier resulting in fast outflow and reduced intrauterine retention of blood when uterine hemorrhage occurs [37]." 



http://www.ajronline.org/doi/pdf/10.2214/ajr.149.4.737

The first decent explanation of a hematoma: 

The subchorionic hematoma probably results from marginal placental abruption during the first half of pregnancy. For unknown reasons, blood, instead of collecting behind the placenta as happens in the third trimester, works its way behind the chorionic membrane and subsequently leaks into the cervical canal. This causes its elevation from the uterine wall. The subchorionic hematoma tends to compress the gestational sac, and in two of our cases this led to premature rupture of the membranes and subsequent abortion. 

http://www.theovalplanet.com/post.cfm/poor-outcomes-in-patients-with-low-papp-a-during-testing-for-down-syndrome

Awesome, something I want to investigate more - PAPP-A levels and miscarriage

From Wikiepedia: 

This gene encodes a secreted metalloproteinase which cleaves insulin-like growth factor binding proteins (IGFBPs). It is thought to be involved in local proliferative processes such as wound healing and bone remodeling. Low plasma level of this protein has been suggested as a biochemical marker for pregnancies with aneuploid fetuses (fetuses with an abnormal number of chromosomes).^[2] For example, low PAPPA may be seen in prenatal screening for Down syndrome.^[1] Low levels may alternatively predict issues with the placenta, resulting in adverse complications such as intrauterine growth restriction, preeclampsia, placental abruption, premature birth, or fetal death. 

http://www.jultrasoundmed.org/content/suppl/2015/06/12/8.6.289.DC1/08.06.289.pdf

http://www.pubfacts.com/search/subchorionic+hematoma

Testing

Hopefully today is my last day of waiting with no news, because I am going in for a blood draw at lunch and tomorrow we'll see what my hCG levels are doing. If they are down to 2, I think I will be in the clear. If not, then I am guessing another Ultrasound and then heading towards the Operating Room.

That being said, this morning I took a home pregnancy test (it was left over from when we were ttc, don't worry, I did not buy any tests yet--that would be crazy). There was a faint positive. I need to do some research on the brand of test I used, but I'm pretty sure this means that there is SOME hCG left in my body, and probably higher than 2. I don't want my anxiety to get the best of me, and maybe blood is a more real-time indicator, but I'm afraid if a home test is showing hCG then my levels might not have gone back down. 

Everything else feels like I'm getting back to normal physically. I feel great, and I think I am going to go do yoga this week and do some stretching before starting back up my running. 

So yea, I will know for you tomorrow as far as what my levels are doing, and whether or not I will need a D&C. Stay tuned. 

-Emily

Little Baby Feet

Soo.... I got my first tattoo last night. It is about 1"x1" and little baby blue baby feet. My husband drew them, and they are the size of a 14 week old fetus's feet. 

It comforts me to know that my first baby will be with me always. He'll run races, travel the world, and be in my heart forever.

Some people asked if it would just make me sad. And it is sad, but it actually makes me happy to have him there. Just the memory. I feel comforted. I want to use this experience to be stronger. Get healthy, get in shape, get my uterus figured out. 

 Little baby feet. :) <3 

-Emily
Tattoos hurt like a bitch, btw.