Friday Growth Scan Anticipation...

I'll admit it, the majority of this pregnancy I have mostly been scared.

Now that baby girl is giving me good movement with somewhat consistency and we've had my OB look at an US and tell me everything looked okay, I am starting to get excited, and honestly? Breathe a little. As long as nothing happens internally, if she pulls the evacuate cord, we'd most likely be okay.

So, knowing that tomorrow my husband and I get to go look at our baby with an ultrasound technician and see how she's growing, I am starting to get excited. Is this how most women feel the majority of their pregnancies? I haven' really anticipated an ultrasound with excitement--mostly just trepidation. But this? This is a much better feeling.

I'll have more updates tomorrow, but for now, I just want to kind of reflect on things. I will be 31 weeks tomorrow, and my mentality about this is starting to shift, so I think  I should log a bit of what is going on around me.

1. My old boss from London made a comment on a picture I posted of our nursery. "Yea... you're never going back to London, are you?" Little sassy pants. What I wanted to say was "Fuck off, that's mean and you're being a jerk." but after reflecting on it a bit, what I really feel is.... "Sometimes in life, you have to stop spinning your wheels in the mud. Sometimes you have to stop looking backwards, and forge a path forwards." I was so stuck in my cycle. "MUST GET TO LONDON!" that was my battlecry for SIX years. And guess where it got me? Nowhere. What I've learned is that to get somewhere that special, you have to work your tail off and earn it. Sure, I could pay $50,000 to go get a degree there, spend a year overseas, and hope that in the end someone will pay for me to stay. Or I can keep putting in my time, building my resume, and become a strong enough candidate that someone will actually pay me to go over there. So yea, my plan is still to live abroad. But I'm taking a different approach to it. And in the meantime? I'm not giving up on other things I think are important in life - a family. stability. What I tell myself is that I can always learn new technologies and how to animate 3D and edit video on the next program if I already have the basic storytelling skillset. But I can't always have a baby. So I've charted a new path. And it took me about 2 days of crying over that stupid comment and reflecting and hating myself for the decisions I have made to come to the conclusion that I wouldn't have done it differently.

2. My mom and dad got the most ADORABLE puppy yet to be named.  Ilove him so much, and I think he and Freya will be best friends.

3. The baby room is painted and my mom is working on murals of carousels for us. Making plans a reality scared me at the time, but now I am just happy it is ready for her. As a side note - the Secure Beginnings Breathable Crib Mattress is amazing? But it doesn't fit in our fancy crib. The bars are too thick. So we're going to have to modify the crib somehow. I will let you know how we do that.

4. My husband doesn't want anything to hurt the baby. He doesn't understand how Pack n Plays have bassinets, so he thinks when I say she'll be in a Pack N Play the first few weeks she'll be on the floor. His decision was to sleep on the floor and put her on the bed. I love him so much. He loves her so much. It's adorable.

5. One of  BFFs who had a baby in March is giving me a bunch of her supplies that baby didn't use. I am pumped, because we can officially start swapping baby stuff. She thinks she might get pregnant again soon, and I love that, because we'll just continue to hand stuff over as our collection grows. I never thought I'd have friends who would be willing to share, or open to it, or have babies around the same time as us, but now it's happening. God is good.

6. My manager hired a temp for me while I'm out. This is a HUGE honor (in my mind) because it shows I am needed. I get to train the temp in July, and I cannot wait. Training is one of my favorite things to do. I do believe some day I'd love to teach... but that is besides the point. The point is, I am thrilled to have a temp. I hope we work well together. I hope they don't love her more than me ;) I hope she and I work well and we train well together. And it will be a huge relief to have someone else helping out with the way my mind is working now (not so great). And also when my weekly appointments start getting to be a lot of time.

7. I had another miscarriage dream the other night. The anniversary of losing Scrumbles is nearing... July 31. I can't understand why, but I look back on that time following with fondness. My husband and I grew as a couple. Despite the bone-deep excruciating pain and grief, it was a time of self healing. We took care of eachother. We fixed ourselves in a lot of ways. The nights we'd have a few drinks and be in love. The hours of watching funny tv shows and laying in our dark apartment doing nothing... While it was a bout of depression, was also a bout of healing. In some ways, I miss that tiny old apartment. Where we had so much loss and grief. Because it was there that I finally found out how to put myself first. How to self-heal. And how to do what I wanted to do, instead of what everyone around me wanted me to do. Maybe it made me more selfish, but I think I was due some selfishness. And while I don't want to go back to that, trust me, I want this baby healthy and alive, I do have some of the fondest memories of that time. Of letting the cold air of the window units wash over my broken body, as I'd read my bible and think of the future we lost. The excitement at the weirdest things, and the anger. Those emotions-they were new. And I am so glad I felt them and experienced them, because it makes this baby all the more precious to us. It makes the process seem worth it. I've seen the lows. The crushing feel of loss, and now, I can feel my daughter running her fingers along my pubic bone, and telling me she likes donuts and cakes *duh, she's my kid* and I can value the pain even more. Every single second we spend with her (in my womb, and hopefully out) will be cherished. Because I know what it means to only have those few weeks, months, days. And they are sweet and special.

8. I want to get a tattoo for this little girl once she is here. I think it will be a thin pink line wrapping around her brother's feet to make a heart. I'll post pics when I finally decide on art, and when we go to get it.

9. Finances - suck. We are broke as a joke. This is going to be difficult. I am very overwhelmed about the amount of projects our house needs and what this baby will cost and how expensive our lives are with my husband in school. But I also feel confident we can do it. As long as we get ourselves in check and start prioritizing getting out of debt. I listen to Dave Ramsey weekly, trying to get a handle on a plan. And we are just putting every extra penny towards the baby or towards our debt. I am officially chopping up all my credit cards tonight except for one that will be used as an emergency card.


Anyways, there's more, but that's just a summary. Today, my heart is at peace (mostly because I killed a cricket that was keeping me awake all night, and finally slept for the first time in two weeks.)

-Em

Less than a week away from .... something

I know these posts have been few and far between, but that's because I've been using my time to get myself in better shape-- both mentally and physically. I have tapered off on taking supplements and researching hematomas. I want a fresh start, and Monday, October 4th my husband and I are going to visit the high risk OB. When I booked this appointment it seemed like ages away, and now here we are, less than a week away. I have no idea what to expect. What they'll say. If they'll agree with me on testing. I don't know how the appointment will flow, or even what it will cost. I have no idea what to expect, but I think, for once, that is a good thing. 

It is the first day of October, 2015. The beginning of Fall in what has been an entirely too shitty year. Our wedding anniversary is twelve days away and the temperature has (finally) dipped out of the 80s.  For most people, Fall is a time of reflection and family and looking back on the year. And I usually subscribe to that too. But this year, Fall is going to be about fresh starts, new beginnings, new relationships, and starting a new life. Both physically and emotionally. 

I have started seeing a counselor as I tackle the issues in my life. I know that I am very blessed and fortunate to have what I have and be who I am. But I also know that I've spent the past 28 years shirking away from dealing with things. Emotions, actions, feelings. I feel like, as much as we loved our little baby, this process has helped me find inner strength. I have formed a new friendship, repaired my relationship with my husband, started to take responsibility for my finances, and planning on a real future, not a fantasy future. For the first time since July 31, I am starting to look to the future. I am starting to see a path for us to walk down together. And I have discovered how truly sad I am that we did not start trying to have children sooner. I know they say to wait and enjoy your lives together, but we've had 9 years, and I do feel responsible for not having healthy babies yet. If I only knew then what I know now. But, we can't sift through the past looking for wrong turns, all we can do is plan for a better tomorrow....

And tomorrow, and tomorrow, and then it's doctor day.

I know they will want me to lose weight. (Duh, I am pushing 300 lbs after a 20lb baby weight gain, and I can't seem to drop it). I don't know how soon they'll want to do blood testing. I have weaned myself off all of the supplements I  was taking for the hematoma (cayenne pepper, E, wheat grass, cinnamon, Vitex) and all that's left is the prenatal. So hopefully the blood is pretty pure. ;) 

Something interesting has come up, too. We've decided to wait to TTC again until our trip to Ireland. That is about 3 months away. I am sad we are waiting, as anyone who has experienced loss knows, you want to fill that ACTUAL void, but I am happy we have three months with each other to have fun, enjoy each other, and get ourselves as healthy as we can be before we experience this again. The few months are probably necessary emotionally, too, because if we have another hematoma, it's going to be a really terribly difficult road.  And hard decisions will have to be made. Also, by January our ER bills will be officially paid off. We also noticed that I booked the trip over our original due date. That can't be coincidence. Life is a funny place. 

So anyways, there is not much to update today besides the fact that I am fully healed internally, and I will have more news for you on Monday, and that emotionally, we're getting there. 

-Emily