The pressure is down low, just above my pubic bone. I tried laying with my legs up on the wall and that helped, but didn't seem to motivate her to move! :)
This morning I was having some of my bad thoughts, so I used the doppler to make sure she was okay. Found her right away. Over the weekend I used the last piece of toilet paper on the roll, and I don't know if you've ever done that, but the dye in the glue they use is pink, so I thought I was spotting. It was HORRIFYING. But I figured it out, and then relaxed and everything was okay. Although I do feel like I overdid it this weekend, so I tried to just take it easy and relax as much as possible. I will not walk today, because I think I need a little break.
I also had my first meeting with a new therapist this weekend. I think she stirred up some emotions, because I was a weepy mess the rest of the weekend, but it's a healing process. And I'm glad we're starting it. She is the first counselor to tell me that she thinks I'm smart and capable of doing what I want. And this morning I woke up with a new plan in my mind - getting my MBA in International management. I've toyed with the idea before, but it really nicely guides my career towards an international focus, and I think Ican do it now. I really think I can. So that's going on my longterm bucket list, and I need to figure out if they make scholarships for graduate students.
Anywho, I don't know. She's great, and we're going to deal with my anxiety first. She suggested doing the adult coloring books, and I tried one this weekend while I was feeling panicky and it did help. So I'm going to keep doing it. She recommended doing it at work when I'm on calls, or starting to feel very overwhelmed. SO I brought in one page and some pencils today as an "emergency coloring station".
She also said that I've gone through a lot in the last year, and it all adds up and I need to let it go. I love her, she is going to be amazing, and we are going to accomplish so much. This fearful, quiet, sour Emily is not who I am. I know there is a strong, ambitious, confident, even cocky Emily in there. I need to send down a rope ladder and help her climb out of the darkness.
Also - in case you are wondering, I will not be getting back on any SSRIs until after delivery. Apparently it can cause colicy babies, and also something called "floppy baby syndrom" where they are not motivated to breathe and we'd have to have NICU on stand by. So we're going to try to cope with the mounting anxiety with counseling, and if I start getting panic attacks again it's an option to go back on the meds, but I think I'll be okay.
Some other symptoms this week -
- My nipples are turning lighter... which is so weird... And hopefully okay....
- The little things on them that produce oil are appearing to be producing oil? I need to see if that's possible this early.
- Veins on my belly are popping up, which I looked into and it's not vericose veins, it's just that everything gets smooshed to the surface.
- I am extremely irritable with everything.
- I finished watching The Office (9 seasons!) and had a massive cry fest because I felt like I was losing my best friends.
- One of my best friends is pregnant, and I am overjoyed to share in the experience with someone, but scared that she is going to have a healthy pregnancy and I'll lose the baby again (she was pregnant when I was last time). So I am grappling with that paradox.
- I still don't really have a "baby bump" -- I know I am plus size, but even the heaviest girls on my boards are quite large now. I am hoping it's just that my body has tight riding muscles and it's my first that's keeping everything so compact (especially with a big girl in there), but I do worry.
- I Passed my diabetes test! I should have probably led with that! I passed the three hour screening! I am still going to treat it as if I am diabetic, because doing so helped me lose TWO LBS in a week. I am actually down to 298, which is still below where I really started in this process. Insanity. But yea, not diabetic, hooray!
- I am so forgetful. "baby brain" is very real, and very constant. In fact, I thinkI might have already posted about the diabetes...
- See above bullet, but working is very hard. I'm extremely tired, irritable, and forgetful. I don't know how I'm going to make it 4 more months. Just trying my best. I see why so many women don't come back, though. I feel like the mornings are a battle of me versus work right now. I just could sleep for hours.
Okkaaay I guess that's it for today. Some exciting things -
I ordered Orgain powder (organic protein supplement) in a big cannister so I can start drinking that regularly and cut out the synthetic stuff from Slim Fast (the protein drinks help a lot. If I don't have enough protein I get pretty nauseous). I also ordered BioOil to try on my tummy stretch marks, and I got a new dress from LuLaRoe that should be arriving today, and I can't wait to see if it fits.
Alright, now that's it!
-Emily
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