All the thoughts originate from the mind.

I keep dreaming about being pregnant. Reading pregnancy tests that show positives. Last night I dreamt I took one, and it was strong positive, but the strip was twisted, so I couldn't turn it in the right direction to read it. 

I also have FELT pregnant, although according to family planning methods that is simply not possible. But the feelings are bringing up a lot of emotions about my angel baby. Last night I was just... sad. For him. For us. For my womb. For the future. I am scared and sad, and it comes and goes in waves. They always say that grief will hit you randomly and you can't expect it or plan for it, and last night was just one of those times. I have started a new weight loss plan "Choose to Lose" by Chris Powell, and it is going to be difficult. And his book had me think and say a lot of affirmations to help me take control over my body, and in doing so, I think it must have stirred up some stuff. 

Maybe I feel like I am turning a page on this chapter. Like it's on to the next one. My husband did not cry with me this weekend. I think he is healing. And that is such great news, I am elated. And I am healing, but it still hurts sometimes. Randomly. Like last night. And I knew so little before everything, and now I know so much that I wish I didn't. And I can't help but think that this will just be how it goes forever. That there is never going to be a warm wiggly baby that I get to take home. So in that line of thought, I just say "fuck it". And then a lot of other things matter more,and I am able to feel better. Even if only temporarily.

I am starting to accept and absorb that we are waiting to try again until January. As hard as it sounds right now,w e are not emotionally, financially, or physically ready to do this again. We have submitted for a mortgage loan, and might be looking to buy a house. Which would be a huge endeavor, stressful, and I wouldn't want to be pregnant during that process. I also know that the exhaustion and life changing events are going to be permanent if we get to take home a baby -- seeing my new-parents friends is evidence of that. So waiting is feeling okay. And getting my body under control is so important right now. 

But sometimes I get sad. And that's just the way this goes, I think .

I also have not heard back from the specialist, so I plan on calling him on Friday. I think he told us if we didn't hear anything it was good news. But you just never know, so I want to be sure. If nothing is wrong, I will be happy. I have gotten to the point where I will be glad to know I am functioning and what we tested for is not a cause of what happened. If it happens again,we will test for new things. I guess it's like the duck shooting game at the carnival where you just keep knocking the ducks down with pellets until there's nothing left and you either solve the mystery, or go home and decide to be wealthy entrepreneurs with no kids....

Anyways, I felt this blog deserved an update, as it has been two weeks with nothing. And that's not me keeping you in the dark, it's me being in the dark. I have no more answers. I just know how to walk the path laid out ahead of me. And we are so far from it being something we are actively trying that I've thrown away the thermometer and tracking and stopped taking everything but prenatals. I don't even want to look at that stuff right now, because it just makes me sad and angry. 

I will update if I learn more.

-Emily

5 Vials

It is a record. Today they drew 5 vials of blood. I went to a new testing facility (new OB=new facility). The girl was very good, and she let me lay down, or else I pass out. I didn't pass out! And she only had to stick me one time. We got the blood relatively quickly, but throughout this whole process, we have never drawn five vials before. Not even for the genetic screening! (That was 3 vials, and that was also a challenge.) 

Anyways, the blood draw went fine, but I thought I'd share with you what they are testing for in those five vials. 

1. Cardiolipin AB Screen
http://www.hopkinslupus.org/lupus-tests/antiphospholipid-antibodies/ 
Testing may also be ordered when a woman has had recurrent miscarriages and/or ordered along with lupus anticoagulant testing as a follow-up to a prolonged PTT test. When cardiolipin antibody is detected, then the test may be repeated several weeks later to determine whether the antibody is temporary or persistent. Moderate to high levels of cardiolipin antibodies that persist when tested again 6 weeks later indicate the likely continued presence of that specific antibody, which may be associated with excessive clotting or recurrent miscarriages. (https://labtestsonline.org/understanding/analytes/cardiolipin/tab/test/) 

2. Lupus Anticogulation 

Lupus anticoagulants are antibodies against substances in the lining of cells. These substances prevent blood clotting in a test tube. They are called phospholipids.

Persons with these antibodies may have an abnormally high risk of blood clotting.https://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/000547.htm 

https://labtestsonline.org/understanding/analytes/lupus-anticoagulant/tab/test/ 

3. Anti-B2 Clycoprotein Antibodies
https://labtestsonline.org/understanding/analytes/beta-2-glycoprotein-1-antibodies/tab/test/


So, after a brief scan, these are all related, and all  clotting issues that cause recurrent miscarriages. This is a good thing, because I do know I don't have the Factor V Leiden clotting disorder, but these seem to be more common. 


I still stand by my initial response that these will all turn up negative, but I am glad we will know for sure. I'm pretty anxious about hearing back from the specialist. He should have results by next Monday, and I should hear from him mid-to-late next week. (Since it took me 4 days to get the balls and energy to go get tested.) 

Once I know more, I will share on here. I just met (through a Baby Board) a girl who was diagnosed with this stuff, and she was told to wait to try to conceive for 12 weeks, when they would do another round of testing. Hearing that would be ... heartbreaking. But maybe good. I don't know. I don't know how I'm feeling. After having a little more sleep, and some time to collect myself, I am feeling slightly better. Still exhausted - mentally and physically - but better. I feel like every time I start climbing out of the dark, though, my husband jumps back into the abyss. Will these roller coaster days ever level out? 

I don't know, just going to keep blogging and doing things to make life better.

-Emily

Defeated.

I feel defeated. 

My husband used the word frustrated, but that's not quite right. Because, honestly, I just... want to be done. 

I feel such apathy right now. I feel like I've just run a half marathon, and I have two options - I can walk up a steep hill to my car, or I can sit on the pavement and watch other people finish their runs and walk to their cars. That's a weird analogy. My point is. I am tired of moving forward. I am tired of thinking and planning and hoping. I feel like it's all over. 

We went to the high risk doctor today, and his official assessment was, "It sounds like a fluke." 

A fluke. A horrible, life changing, horrific fluke. 

A family history of blood clots means very little when you were tested negative for the disease your family member had. I am healthy, by all accounts. Overweight, and anxiety-laden, but healthy. 

I don't know what I was hoping for... maybe something to ease my concern of this ever happening again. But that's not what I was told, I was told this was most likely a fluke, and we can try again in 4-6 months (December), and that we shouldn't have to do anything differently. 

I will give you everything I learned - 

-An assessment of fibroids by the Ultrasound Tech in the ER is a questionable assessment, especially without pictures.

-Lose 5-10% of my body fat (uh, yea, at least)

-Getting a blood test for Antiphospholipids (but I think that was just the doctor's way of trying to make me feel like we were doing something) 

-At my urging, he agreed to do progesterone supplements next time we're pregnant, but said that it's a chicken/egg situation. Was the uterus weakened/problematic and causing low hormone readings, or were my low hormones what caused the miscarriage in the first place? 

-Maybe the embroyo implanted on a blood vessel that kept bleeding, that is usually the case

-Fibroids would be more of a problem later in pregnancy, not as early as we were 

-For anyone wondering, the "official wait time" after a miscarriage is 1-2 months for first trimester, 4-6 months second trimester, 6 months-1 year third trimester 

It was a fluke. 

I feel so broken. I can't do this again. I can't do this again knowing that nothing was fixed, nothing was solved. I can't do this again knowing we are subjecting a fetus to a short life and a long death. 

I don't know why I am so upset about this, I was never sure I wanted a baby in the first place. Everyone tells you they ruin your life. So maybe we just, don't.

I might go silent for a while here. I have to process this. I can tell you one thing, we will not be getting pregnant any time soon. I am going to look into birth control. I don't want to be one of those women who are obsessed with having a baby and puts herself through hell trying.

I need some time away from this. From 'babies'. I need to get back to my normal life. I need to get away from it all. I'm so angry. I've always been a sore loser. I take my ball and go home. Well, so be it. Life's not fair. That's all I've learned in the past six months. Life's not fair, and the people who seem like they'd make awesome parents don't get babies.

Thanks for reading. If I ever get to a point where I change my mind, I will let you know. And I'll update this if I have the phospholipid disease (i won't). It was a fluke, and my womb is not designed to make babies. 

-Emily

Less than a week away from .... something

I know these posts have been few and far between, but that's because I've been using my time to get myself in better shape-- both mentally and physically. I have tapered off on taking supplements and researching hematomas. I want a fresh start, and Monday, October 4th my husband and I are going to visit the high risk OB. When I booked this appointment it seemed like ages away, and now here we are, less than a week away. I have no idea what to expect. What they'll say. If they'll agree with me on testing. I don't know how the appointment will flow, or even what it will cost. I have no idea what to expect, but I think, for once, that is a good thing. 

It is the first day of October, 2015. The beginning of Fall in what has been an entirely too shitty year. Our wedding anniversary is twelve days away and the temperature has (finally) dipped out of the 80s.  For most people, Fall is a time of reflection and family and looking back on the year. And I usually subscribe to that too. But this year, Fall is going to be about fresh starts, new beginnings, new relationships, and starting a new life. Both physically and emotionally. 

I have started seeing a counselor as I tackle the issues in my life. I know that I am very blessed and fortunate to have what I have and be who I am. But I also know that I've spent the past 28 years shirking away from dealing with things. Emotions, actions, feelings. I feel like, as much as we loved our little baby, this process has helped me find inner strength. I have formed a new friendship, repaired my relationship with my husband, started to take responsibility for my finances, and planning on a real future, not a fantasy future. For the first time since July 31, I am starting to look to the future. I am starting to see a path for us to walk down together. And I have discovered how truly sad I am that we did not start trying to have children sooner. I know they say to wait and enjoy your lives together, but we've had 9 years, and I do feel responsible for not having healthy babies yet. If I only knew then what I know now. But, we can't sift through the past looking for wrong turns, all we can do is plan for a better tomorrow....

And tomorrow, and tomorrow, and then it's doctor day.

I know they will want me to lose weight. (Duh, I am pushing 300 lbs after a 20lb baby weight gain, and I can't seem to drop it). I don't know how soon they'll want to do blood testing. I have weaned myself off all of the supplements I  was taking for the hematoma (cayenne pepper, E, wheat grass, cinnamon, Vitex) and all that's left is the prenatal. So hopefully the blood is pretty pure. ;) 

Something interesting has come up, too. We've decided to wait to TTC again until our trip to Ireland. That is about 3 months away. I am sad we are waiting, as anyone who has experienced loss knows, you want to fill that ACTUAL void, but I am happy we have three months with each other to have fun, enjoy each other, and get ourselves as healthy as we can be before we experience this again. The few months are probably necessary emotionally, too, because if we have another hematoma, it's going to be a really terribly difficult road.  And hard decisions will have to be made. Also, by January our ER bills will be officially paid off. We also noticed that I booked the trip over our original due date. That can't be coincidence. Life is a funny place. 

So anyways, there is not much to update today besides the fact that I am fully healed internally, and I will have more news for you on Monday, and that emotionally, we're getting there. 

-Emily