I just... I feel like the baby has died. I know that's so unhealthy. I feel like she is gone constantly. I am always checking for bleeding. I have to stop this thought train, or I am going to will it to happen. I think as we get closer to our 20 week appointment on Friday, the anxiety is just going up, up, up.
I am in the process of finding a counselor for this stress that works with our insurance plan, and just trying to keep myself calm in the meantime. I am so fearful. Saturday I just cried for half the morning because I don't feel like my body can do this. It has failed once, and now that this baby can hear, feel, move and poke me, I am so scared of letting her down because my body can't do it. If that makes any sense.
So yea! That's exciting. I wish I was stronger. I used to be this strong, fierce independent woman. And now, I feel like curling up in a ball is the extent of my abilities. I don't really know when it changed. I think when I came home from traveling abroad and couldn't find work in my field for years. When I let fear dictate my decisions. I think that's when I switched mentality from lion to fieldmouse.
So, this is deeper than a miscarriage or a loss (which wasn't very long ago, I do think waiting is probably better... but alas, here we are.) But all of those emotions are all merging into one giant stressball. Sigh. I can't wait for Friday. 20 week milestone, a day off of work, and our anatomy scan, check up, and glucose test. I think after that I will feel better. I hope so.
For the past week my abdomen has been so tight, and this morning I woke up and it was flabby again. These changes are normal, but I am so mindful of what is going on that I notice EVERY slight change. This friday I will be running through a list with my doctor and letting her know about my anxiety/stress. I also lost weight again, so I am down 2 lbs from where I started in this whole process. I know I am SUPPOSED to be losing weight, but I also don't have a tummy yet. All of these (even plus size) women I see at 19 weeks are HUGE, and I have nothing, I just look bloated. Maybe it's because I've ridden horses my whole life and those muscles are pretty strong (they are) but it doesn't help me feel better when I have no symptoms, weight loss in the second tri, can't 100% identify movement, and no baby bump.
It might be time to get back on something to calm me down through the final months of this process. We are a little over a month away from third trimester. You'd think I'd be calming down.
Here are some mantras I found that are helping me stay grounded:
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