20 week update!

Friday was our 20 week mark, and also our big visit to the doctor. We had an ultrasound anatomy scan, appointment, and glucose test. 

Baby is a big girl, measuring in at 20 weeks 3 days, and weighing 14.2oz. She is healthy and is resting her head on my pelvis/cervix, so that is why I'm feeling so much pressure. Today I am very uncomfortable, so I am going to go home and put my legs up and try to help her get up a little higher. Bah. 

I also have an anterior placenta, so I do not think I'll feel cosnistent movements for a while. Sometimes when I'm laying propped up in bed I think I feel her, but when I put my hand on my stomach it stops. So who knows. 

In a few months time  I will most likely need to wear the support belt frequently, and the doctor recommended chiropractor time to get my hips evened out, since she thinks that is where my calf pain is coming from. 

All in all, it was a great check-up. Our baby girl is stunningly pretty and we are in love with her sooo much. Now we just have to get through 4.5 more months, and she will be here.

Taking it a day at a time and trying to stay calm even when it feels like she is trying to drill her way out of my abdomen.  

My weight also stayed steady at 300 lbs. Now that we have a good report and better weather on the way, walking will become our utmost priority. She didn't check my cervix, so I am still a bit concerned about that, but she didn't seem worried, so I won't be worried. For now, we just kind of are in a holding pattern as we see what happens. Still taking it day-by-day, and trying to stay calm. 

I am so in love already. I am putting this in God's hands now, because all I can do is stay healthy and calm and let her grow strong. 

Also waiting on results of the glucose test.... hoping we either pass it with flying colors, or bomb it miserably so we don't have to go back for the three hour test. Cause that would NOT be fun. 

-Emily

Sigh.

If anyone out there reads my blog regularly, I think by now you can tell I'm a little neurotic. Not in a scary way, just in an anxious/nervous/overly invested way.

I just... I feel like the baby has died. I know that's so unhealthy. I feel like she is gone constantly. I am always checking for bleeding. I have to stop this thought train, or I am going to will it to happen. I think as we get closer to our 20 week appointment on Friday, the anxiety is just going up, up, up.

I am in the process of finding a counselor for this stress that works with our insurance plan, and just trying to keep myself calm in the meantime. I am so fearful. Saturday I just cried for half the morning because I don't feel like my body can do this. It has failed once, and now that this baby can hear, feel, move and poke me, I am so scared of letting her down because my body can't do it. If that makes any sense.

So yea! That's exciting. I wish I was stronger. I used to be this strong, fierce independent woman. And now, I feel like curling up in a ball is the extent of my abilities. I don't really know when it changed. I think when I came home from traveling abroad and couldn't find work in my field for years. When I let fear dictate my decisions. I think that's when I switched mentality from lion to fieldmouse.

So, this is deeper than a miscarriage or a loss (which wasn't very long ago, I do think waiting is probably better... but alas, here we are.) But all of those emotions are all merging into one giant stressball. Sigh. I can't wait for Friday. 20 week milestone, a  day off of work, and our anatomy scan, check up, and glucose test. I think after that I will feel better. I hope so.

For the past week my abdomen has been so tight, and this morning I woke up and it was flabby again. These changes are normal, but I am so mindful of what is going on that I notice EVERY slight change. This friday I will be running through a list with my doctor and letting her know about my anxiety/stress. I also lost weight again, so I am down 2 lbs from where I started in this whole process. I know I am SUPPOSED to be losing weight, but I also don't have a tummy yet. All of these (even plus size) women I see at 19 weeks are HUGE, and I have nothing, I just look bloated. Maybe it's because I've ridden horses my whole life and those muscles are pretty strong (they are) but it doesn't help me feel better when I have no symptoms, weight loss in the second tri, can't 100% identify movement, and no baby bump.

It might be time to get back on something to calm me down through the final months of this process.  We are a little over a month away from third trimester. You'd think I'd be calming down.


Here are some mantras I found that are helping me stay grounded: