Period.

Have you ever HOPED for your period to start? I can count on my hand the number of times I was relieved when Aunt Flow arrived. Usually it was a hope that she'd arrive early enough that I wouldn't have to mess with her on a vacation. 

Now that we are mid fertility issues, I pray for blood every time I use the restroom. Which, is the exact opposite of what I prayed for when I was pregnant. But I've now gone all of August with no period, and until it returns we can't even begin to talk about the future or TTC. 

I know I mentioned this before, but a coworker told me she had a miscarriage at nine weeks, never went to the hospital, had horrible cramps the following month, and became infertile. I am so scared of that happening. And with no period, I feel very broken in the sense that my lady parts are not functioning. 

That all being said... yesterday afternoon I had my first spotting. For me, periods rarely start with spotting, it just kind of... starts. But this will be a whole new experience, and I think spotting is actually a good sign! I was SO excited when I saw that! I laughed at the situation, because everything is so relative. But since yesterday, no more spotting. 

Yesterday was also my two-week blood draw. We are still monitoring levels, and I'm hoping we're at 2. If we are , and I'm spotting, then I think this is all good news. The only thing I DON'T want is to find out I'm pregnant again. Because with the uterus having leftover gunk, not being on progesterone, and not having blood checked, this could happen all over again. Although I don't think there is any chance of that happening (pregnancy)...

So, fingers crossed bleeding, low levels, and September is the beginning of a new life for my body. 

I also ended up signing up with the personal coach Erica. She messaged me my "plan" today, so I get started for this month with the rest of her girls. I can't wait! Things are looking up, I've started NutriSystem, and so far so good. Weigh in is on Friday with my friend Kat, and we will keep eachother accountable as we go forward. 

So, while it's strange to hope for bleeding, I think it's going to be good.

Also--we just started getting hospital bills. I think they should give you a discount if you don't get to take home a baby. How unfair is that? Sigh. It will also push back our trying, because we need to get financials under control. Sigh. I bet we won't get to TTC until December. Which is still within our ORIGINAL plan, but I am so ready to be pregnant  again. And start our family. Even though my husband is just now processing emotions... so maybe December is a more realistic goal than November. 

-Emily 

Feeling strange, hot, and wanting my period to start

If anyone who is reading this has ever experienced PMS, then I would like to tell you that I have been experienced AMPED-UP PMS symptoms for the past two weeks. 

Hot. Cold. 
Pain.
Cramps.
Anger. (So much anger).
Uncertainty.
Emotional rollercoasters. 
That feeling like you're about to start bleeding.
Eating everything around me (then feeling sick) 
Craving suits.
Absent-minded. 
Frustrated. 

Oh my gosh, it is nuts. And every time I go to the bathroom I hope to see blood (quite the opposite of the past few months!) because I don't know about you, but when I start bleeding the crazy hormones abate. I just want the sweet release of not wanting to bite everything around me. Yes, bite. 

Next Wednesday, I go back to the lab for a blood draw. Although the tests are showing completely negative, so I truly believe this is my hormones leveling back out. I also am not showing any ovulation on the home tests, so I will be starting to track my morning temperature. It's the most cost-effective way to watch my body for now. I'm debating investing in a nice thermometer, but I can't find one under 100 dollars without crazy reviews that have no consistency. So maybe I'll start off with just our regular old thermometer. 

I said I wanted normalcy, and this is apparently how we get there. I feel so bad for my husband. Last night I came home, we fought, I cried, and then passed out from exhaustion. And then everything was okay once I woke back up.... seriously. 

That all being said, I reached out to some women on the "Trying to conceive after a 2nd/3rd trimester loss" page, and they told me that I could not get back to a regular cycle for 12 weeks. Which, that breaks my heart, but I do feel better. At least I am in the realm of normal, and I will not be sterile forever. It sounds like most women experience their first period about 6-8 weeks post miscarriage. Which means I might be right in the realm of normal. 

Normal. 

I'm not entirely sure what life will be like now. I know the normal will be a new normal. And I'm okay with that. We also are looking at renting a house, so that could be an exciting change... or we'll stay in our crappy apartment and try to save money to buy a house. I don't know. I really am leaning towards getting my "Que sera sera" tattoo, because  I need to learn to sit back and let life happen and stop trying to death grip force it into place. t

-Emily