The final countdown...

We are being induced Wednesday night / Thursday morning... we are in the final three days. :O

Does it feel real yet? It doesn't for me!  Today is my final appointment/cervical check/ NST. Depending on how that goes, we are scheduled for Wednesday night, as long as the hospital has room. My OB wants to get the dilation started that night, so that we deliver Thursday. She thinks it's going to take a while to get things moving, so we'll see... I'm not so sure. I am EXTREMELY sensitive to meds, so I have a feeling it won't take that long. But of course, I'm not the doctor.

I was thinking this baby was coming on her own Saturday. After our appointment friday I started losing my mucus plug, pretty sure it's almost completely gone. And I was having a lot of pressure. It mostly stopped yesterday/today. I am concerned she is so big/wrapped in her cord that it's going to complicate things. But I have faith in my hospital and doctor to get her through delivery safely.

Now we just need to get her alive until Thursday. I know that sounds crazy to have anxiety about that, but I also know with a GD diagnosis my placenta is going to deteriorate rather quickly as we get around that 40 week mark, she is getting bigger, and there are still things that can go wrong. So, praying we make it through the next two days calmly and stress free. We are still counting kicks. She was so crazy last night that today she's pretty quiet. So I'm glad we're going for the NST.

I will update after my appointment today if anything changes, and if not, then after we go through this crazy labor experience...

Also, work is insane. I am feeling very nervous about leaving, and having them think I am not important enough to bring back. I know that's not going to happen, but I am still nervous. That's normal I think. So when I get back in november I'm going to have to really knock it out of the park. And hope that nothing comes up while I'm out that is really, really horrible.

Sigh. So much on my mind. Come on, Wednesday. I'm taking the day off so I'll go get our carseat fitted properly and any last minute things done at the house. And rest in preparation. Am I nervous? for me and the baby, yes. For labor? a little. Mostly excited we made it, and that excitement is drowning out the fear for now.

-Em

It's a new dawn, it's a new day, and I'm feeling good.

I will tell you one thing about charting cycles--there is very little mystery leftover once you are counting down hours to ovulation. I can absolutely see how OBs tell their patients struggling to conceive to stop worrying and just have fun. Once you realize that your female reproductive system is *TYPICALLY* a well oiled machine, the chance of it going off track becomes less and less.

I preface this post with that, because my husband cracked under pressure, and we momentarily lapsed in our "abstinence until Ireland" (not exactly abstinence, but you get my point). But since I know my chart like the back of my hand, I am 90% certain there is no chance of conception. Not like I'm rooting for it, as you know, there is a lot on my plate right now, but it is kind of ... boring (that's not the right word at all)... comforting? predictable?? knowing your body's rhythms. We are just about 3 days shy of it being even a slight chance. 

Anyways, that's not what I'm here to talk about today. I'm here to talk about preparations for ttc. And since we are playing with fire, I have no fully loaded on the primary conception plans-

1. aspirin
2. prenatals
3. vitex
4. glucosamine
5. vinegar 
6. cinnamon
7. Progesterone 1 day post ovulation

In January, I will add back in Cayenne pepper and wheat grass, as well as start drinking my nettle tea each morning. 

I did end up calling the specialist, and they confirmed my phospholipid panels all came back negative. So, according to modern science, there is nothing wrong with me. I am not so convinced. I just found out a friend of mine from one of my hematoma boards who lost a baby at 20 weeks to a SCH was diagnosed with not one, but two hematomas in her current pregnancy. There is a chance they will break up and disappear, as that is the more common outcome for women, and those of us who have lost because of it might just be more sensitive to their appearance. But I think that, when it comes to bodies, there is so much science we don't understand yet, and this is a highly under-researched condition. And I do not believe they are flukes or chance. She was on all of the medicines I am taking, she took all the precautions, and yet here we are, more hematomas. More question marks and fear in a pregnancy that should be a boring 9 months. I will keep researching and putting what I find here, but I am not convinced that because I tested negative for phospholipid clotting problems or Leiden Factor V that there isn't something else going on. I guess we'll find out in my next pregnancy if we get another SCH. . . and the pregnancy after that... and the pregnancy after that. 

I also wanted to share something weird with you. Due to current work conditions, house-buying conditions, and other stress factors in my life, I developed an eye spasm last week. It was pretty bad, and it comes and goes when I am in stressful situations. So I was reading about cures last night trying to find SOMETHING to help. I stumbled on a blog of a girl who was told by her eye doctor to try Tonic Water. She said it cured hers, and any time it flared up, she'd drink tonic water and it'd stop. Tonic Water has quinine, a smashed up bitter root that is considered a muscle relaxant. Well, my husband brought home diet tonic water, and I drank half the bottle (after a. a glass of wine to relax me further and b. filling it with Mio cause tonic SUCKS) and no twitch today! It's also my first day back at work in a stressful environment after Thanksgiving and still no twitch!!! I will finish off the bottle tonight. So there you go - a life hack. Tonic Water = Kills Eye Spasms.

Alright, it's cyber Monday. Off to go find some deals and cross off Christmas lists. 

-Emily

Adrift in a sea of craziness

There's a lot going on right now. I'm not gonna lie, I'm pretty overwhelmed.

But this is a good overwhelmed, it is a lot of change, and that is something I've been missing in my life for the past few years. 

So first things first, I never called the doctor back. I need to do that. I don't know why I haven't. I guess part of me doesn't want to know, and another part of me thinks it's all fine that is why I haven't heard from him, and ANOTHER part of me thinks it's their responsibility to call me if I have some horrible life changing problem. (Right?!) 

I guess with that in mind, there is probably no problem. And then the "I should still call them" cycle begins again.  Maybe  I will just do it today and get it over with. Bleh. 

Well, we put a bid on a house, and they accepted, so it looks like we are buying a house. We were preapproved for a loan, so now we just have to make sure we can get that loan, and the inspection is Thursday. Something feels right about getting a house before a baby. The master has a nursery attached, so we'll have a baby room attached to our room. There are two bedrooms, so we'll have a guest room, and eventually the baby will move into that room. And there is a finished basement. It's everything we need. As much as I miss Scrumbles, I know that our next baby will be so much happier growing up in an incredible neighborhood, with a house to call his/her own, and a puppy to snuggle with, and a better life than what we would have had just a few months ago. I am pretty excited, and happy that it's happening so soon.

My husband is insisting we wait until we go to Ireland before we start trying again. As much as I want to be angry at him for it, I do think it makes the most sense. I want to be pregnant so badly, and I'm watching as my baby boards friends are all conceiving. I feel like we are wasting time on an arbitrary date. But I know we will have more fun and be more relaxed if we aren't worried about the pregnacny. The stress of traveling, the concern about flying, drinking Whiskey. I know it will be magical if we can experience the trip together. But my biological clock doesn't stop ticking just because I tell it to. And now that we have a REAL LIFE HOUSE in an incredible city it feels even more important to get pregnant. I think we will have to temper that desire with staying busy, exercising, and working on getting the house move-in ready.We also volunteered to have either Christmas or New Years parties, so it will be really fun to be with family and friends around the holidays in our new place. We sign on December 18, which means we will have a house for Christmas. I know that 2016 is going to be a better year. I know it is going to be full of changes and love and building new things and experiences. I cannot wait. 

Alright, changing gears. I am going to tell you a little story. Three months ago I had a second trimester miscarriage. I holed myself away from social events, society, and people. I decided that by Halloween I would be ready to go back out, and that timing was pretty accurate. In that time, my close friends stuck by me, but I was still keeping them at an arm's length. I hadn't seen any extended family since 4th of July. When Halloween rolled around and I was ready to get back out there and live my life, what I realized is that no one was there waiting for me. My friends had forgotten me. Life went on. They made plans without me. I half expected a last minute Halloween party to pop up. We did get two offers, but one was with a friend who hadn't talked to me or asked how I was doing or even knew we had a miscarriage. So. No. The other was a friend who was going to her mom's house. And as fun as that would have been, we would have been the awkward couple that tagged along. 

I guess it taught me a valuable lesson. and that lesson is stick with your family. and don't waste time with people who don't care about you. And that I am a changed person. And there is really no going back. That life before was different, and I feel now how truly connected I am to my husband and how we have eachother and need to stick with each other no matter how bad the world around us gets. I love him so much. 

So, after waking up on November 1st and feeling very alone (not alone alone, but alone in the friends area) I made this list. It is going to be how I live my life from now on. Even though I am incredibly shy, this list will be my new mantra: 

BE KIND
BE CLEAR
BE BRAVE
DON'T WASTE TIME (on people that don't matter)
BE EFFICIENT 
BE CALM
BREATHE

You are welcome to use my list. :) I am finding it helps tremendously in all things. 

Emily

Feeling strange, hot, and wanting my period to start

If anyone who is reading this has ever experienced PMS, then I would like to tell you that I have been experienced AMPED-UP PMS symptoms for the past two weeks. 

Hot. Cold. 
Pain.
Cramps.
Anger. (So much anger).
Uncertainty.
Emotional rollercoasters. 
That feeling like you're about to start bleeding.
Eating everything around me (then feeling sick) 
Craving suits.
Absent-minded. 
Frustrated. 

Oh my gosh, it is nuts. And every time I go to the bathroom I hope to see blood (quite the opposite of the past few months!) because I don't know about you, but when I start bleeding the crazy hormones abate. I just want the sweet release of not wanting to bite everything around me. Yes, bite. 

Next Wednesday, I go back to the lab for a blood draw. Although the tests are showing completely negative, so I truly believe this is my hormones leveling back out. I also am not showing any ovulation on the home tests, so I will be starting to track my morning temperature. It's the most cost-effective way to watch my body for now. I'm debating investing in a nice thermometer, but I can't find one under 100 dollars without crazy reviews that have no consistency. So maybe I'll start off with just our regular old thermometer. 

I said I wanted normalcy, and this is apparently how we get there. I feel so bad for my husband. Last night I came home, we fought, I cried, and then passed out from exhaustion. And then everything was okay once I woke back up.... seriously. 

That all being said, I reached out to some women on the "Trying to conceive after a 2nd/3rd trimester loss" page, and they told me that I could not get back to a regular cycle for 12 weeks. Which, that breaks my heart, but I do feel better. At least I am in the realm of normal, and I will not be sterile forever. It sounds like most women experience their first period about 6-8 weeks post miscarriage. Which means I might be right in the realm of normal. 

Normal. 

I'm not entirely sure what life will be like now. I know the normal will be a new normal. And I'm okay with that. We also are looking at renting a house, so that could be an exciting change... or we'll stay in our crappy apartment and try to save money to buy a house. I don't know. I really am leaning towards getting my "Que sera sera" tattoo, because  I need to learn to sit back and let life happen and stop trying to death grip force it into place. t

-Emily

My Story - An Overview

My name is Emily, and I found out I was pregnant in May of 2015. My husband and I were overwhelmed... with excitement, joy, anxiety, nervousness, love. Every emotion you can imagine, we were feeling it. 

From the beginning, things felt off for me. I can't explain it. I had never been pregnant before, so I had nothing to go on. But I was never sick, and I had a nagging pain in my lower pelvis by my hip. Around week 7 I started spotting. Pink and light brown. There was no real trigger. Post intercourse, walking a mile, doing nothing -- it all led to spotting. 

My initial OB was at a very overworked office, and they were unable to make time to see me, despite my concerns. Between the pain and bleeding, I knew that I needed to find someone who was able to see me. Who knows, maybe if I had not interfered that early our baby would never have made it as far as he did. It might be a mixed blessing. 

After lying awake at night searching local OBs who would take new patients, I found the incredible Dr. W. She made time to see me, and on my first visit even did an ultrasound for me. (Unheard of, but she could tell I was panicky.) Prior in the year, I had started taking Prozac for anxiety attacks. I started a new job - my DREAM job - and was under a lot of stress to perform. Once we found out about the baby, I came off of Prozac. So I was already a little bit of an emotional wreck. Dr. W took me in for the scan and that was when my world changed even more than just being pregnant. She found a subchorionic hematoma. 

The SCH was crescent-shaped and cradled the left side of my sack. (Interestingly, it is on the side where my hip/groin had been hurting* asterisks will mark questions I have for future pregnancies.) The baby was BEAUTIFUL. Our little gummy bear. His heart was pumping along perfect for his size. I fell in love. 

With the advent of new technology, we are able to 'meet' our babies much sooner than we used to. There are pros and cons to this miracle. One con being that we fall in love that much faster with our unborn children. And in love I was. I took my little blip's photograph home and never let it out of my sight. The love shrouded my doctor's warning. She had handed me the delivery packet information with the advice "Maybe hold off on reading that until we get further along in the pregnancy." Okay, whatever, my sticky bean, as we had dubbed him, was perfect. The hematoma was a question mark, but I never truly let the concern sink in. How could a life so thriving be snuffed out by a little blood clot? 

I realize now, that at this point I had been set spinning like a dreidel. Slowly, unknowingly at first, but the initial inertia was put to my physical being, and seven weeks later, when my world came crashing down, that dreidel was spinning at full speed. 

Dr. W sent me to the phlebotomist that day to get blood drawn. She wanted to check my HCG and Progesterone levels. The following Monday, I got a call from a very concerned Dr. W.  I can remember the call clearly: 

"Hi Emily, I have some bad news. Your HCG levels are not raising like they should, and your progesterone is way too low. You need to go get a supplement for progesterone, I've put in the request at your pharmacy." 

But, the baby grew. We had harmony testing done.  He was a boy. No chromosomal abnormalities. I swear I felt him squirming around--he was so active! Around week 13, we entered our second trimester and a feeling of relief washed over us. We made it past the odds. Now the baby was growing big enough to squish that nasty blood clot, and save himself. 1% of miscarriages happen in the second trimester. We felt so safe, we even made the big family and Facebook announcement. 209 people liked the status. My husband and I have been married for three years, and together for nine. People were overjoyed for us. My mom even started getting little rubber ducky/ponies for the baby. 

A week later, the spinning dreidel had reached it's max speed and started to rock as it slowed. I had a big bleed at work. The largest bleed I'd ever had throughout the fourteen weeks. I went home and scheduled an appointment with my OB for the next day. (Since this was not my first bleed, I knew what we needed to do and when we should go to the ER. But things slowed down and it was alright.) The next day, I started feeling that icky, bloated feeling that comes with a big bleed. I  called in to work, unable to walk to the car without crying in pain. 

We saw Dr. W and the baby looked healthy. But the bleed had changed. The original hematoma shrunk dramatically. It looked like it had bled out. But since the SCH was on the top of the baby, it was bleeding around the side. A new pocked formed, and we could see it filling between the baby and the uterus. Our son looked irritated, as much as a 14 week old fetus can look irritated. But his heart was thumping away, so we went home and rested. 

The next day, I started cramping. Twisting, grinding, painful cramping with ten minutes in between each one. I know now that was labor contractions. Dr. W prescribed Tylenol and icing my lower abdomen. It helped, but the pain was getting severe (oddly, not as bad as some of my worst periods... I must have VERY bad periods!) That night, I told my husband that I felt like I was dying. I doubled my Tylenol intake and tried to sleep. Only to be awaked at midnight with the need to make a bowel movement. After ten minutes of trying, I gave up and laid back down. As soon as my head hit the pillow a big gush started. Something inside of me knew this was it. My husband was asleep, and I delivered our son by myself at midnight. There was a full, blue moon.

My baby was perfect. He was dead. But he was perfect. I will never forget or forgive myself for feeling the fear I had when I felt him coming. I was such a pansy. I will never, ever, ever forgive myself for not treating him with the respect I should have. I let my fear get a hold of me, and that will never happen again. 

The dreidel stopped spinning and fell. My world crashed around me. But the shock kept me from realizing what was happening. We went to the ER. I delivered the remainder of my placenta, and they gave me morphine and zofran for the cramping and nausea (the nausea was mental, not physical). 

It seems surreal. That night. If you told me we never went to the hospital, our dead baby in a towel on my lap, I would believe you. But it happened. And that changed me to my very core. 

At first, the relief was so great from the pain, and the shock/endorphines kept me from the horror of what happened. But, as anyone who has experienced loss knows, that fades and the grief sets in. It takes hold of you at the root of your heart, and it will never, ever leave. It might come and go in waves, or it might lessen, but the grief of losing a child is a forever thing. He is a part of me forever. 

The dreidel has fallen, and now I have seen that there is a new woman in me. I am changed forever. And part of this change is a desire to never, ever, ever sit by idly while this happens again. I want to work hard to find a way to keep this from happening to me, or to anyone. No one deserves this kind of pain. Needless, cruel, pain. 

We will try to conceive again. And this blog is where I will keep track of our story. If you are still reading after this, then please, I beg you, share your story with me. There is a community of us who have lost the battle to SCH, and I think a part of my grieving process is 'research'. Because I want to know everything I can about this killer before we try again. Join me in this journey. 

-Emily

Tired of feeling lost, tired of letting go.
Tear the whole world down, tear the whole world down.
Failure.
Drive the cloud away,
We will fall from last to none. 
The dark before the dawn,
The world will carry on. 
Look for the light that leads me home. 
"Failure" - Breaking Benjamin