Today was our 34 week appointment. We had an NST, an ultrasound and an OB appointment. I can't really put into words how I'm feeling, except to say I feel very much like I did a few weeks after our miscarriage in July. I am ANGRY. Angry doesn't quite cover how I feel. I am mostly frustrated, sad, scared, worried and exhausted. I mean, the mental exhaustion you feel after a really long exam that your GPA/career/life depends on. I am just... so tired of worrying about everything. Last night I had to do kick counts cause baby was not moving. I'm just so tired of caring. Maybe that makes me a horrible person, but my little "sensor" Has been running at 200% for 9 months now. It's .... exhausted. I am exhausted. And I'm sitting here about in tears because there's literally nothing I can do about it.
First off, my husband did not join me for the appointment today. Which is fine, he had to work late and I didn't want him anxious and complaining about the appointment while we were there. When he gets like that my BP raises way too high, and I get anxious and fidgety. Since I took a half day from work I knew the morning would be more peaceful if I was alone and not with someone who had somewhere to be at a certain time. But still, it changed my plans for the morning. And I don't do well with change. And additionally, I don't do as well at these appointments when I go alone. I just ruminate/worry/and don't ever seem to absorb anything anyone tells me.
So then the NST goes perfectly, the ultrasound goes perfectly, my BP is 122/80, so not bad at all. My weight is down from last week, good good. Everything is perfect. So why do I feel so horrible? Baby girl weighed in at 6lbs 3oz, so she is in the 95th percentile, and 'average' for right now is closer to 5 lbs. Of course those scans can be off a pound or two in either direction, but we are measuring ahead consistently, so I am tempted to believe we'll be having a large baby.
So I ask my doctor today - are we going to have this baby early? Will we pull her out if she's too big? What can I expect. And basically, the answer is no. Nope. Unless she gets HUGE, we won't do anything. This is a very different conversation than what we had a few weeks ago. Where she mentioned c-sections. So i'm more confused than ever. I was hoping we could be done slightly sooner (even a week at this point would make me feel soo much calmer). I was always one of those people who said "the longer a baby can cook, the better". and it's true! But, the amount of anxiety I've been feeling about these last few weeks is pretty insurmountable. I am just... defeated. I feel like she's going to die. I can envision it happening. I can envision a dead baby, but not a living baby. How absolutely disgusting is that? but it's all I've known. My prior loss. My mom's full term loss. It just surrounds me, it engulfs my thoughts. I am keeping our baby stuff's boxes because I am imaging bringing them back to the store. And I HATE that my heart is so full of that bitterness, but I can't help it. Because I truly can't picture a world where I get what I want. Where we get a living baby. Where things go well. I know they say to try to imagine us in the labor room, with a soft glow, and a perfectly healthy baby sliding out. And I try it, and it calms me down, but there's still that voice in the back of my mind that's like "nope, not you. you don't get that."
This is all on the eve of our upcoming baby shower. And I just feel like now if something happens, all these people are going to know, and it's going to be even worse. And what do we do with the gifts? I just... I hurt in my heart. And it feels so like last July 31st. So much. I want to just kick a wall, break something, run away, buy something expensive and useless, pretend I'm not pregnant because I am so THOROUGHLY in love with this child that the thought of anything happening to her because of me is just... too much. I don't think I could go on. And carrying that around right now, it ... is a lot.
It's a lot.
I'm just not sure what to do with my hands right now. You know when you're at a party, and you don't know anyone there and you just kind of want to leave, but someone else drove, so you can't just walk away? That's how I feel. Do I eat some cheese sticks, do I go sit in the corner and play candy crush, do I walk home? The anger, bitterness and jealous is a little overwhelming. Poeple who have healthy babies make me upset right now. I've been pregnant for almost 14 months total and there is STILL a chance I will come out with nothing. And it's just... depressing. And sad. And I know I'm ranting, but I'm so scared and alone and not a single person seems to understand this feeling, except others who have lost, and I can't be around people who have lost, because it just makes it scarier.
I don't know. I think it's time to get back into my little safety cocoon. Because I am feeling reckless and upset and alone. And those are bad things to be feeling right now. And I love this baby, but I feel like separating her from my love is the only way to protect myself, and then when I think about doing that I just feel even worse, because she needs all the love and support she can get. And I'm scared that BEING scared is going to cause a stillbirth.
I don't know. I really don't. I just needed to vent, because my heart stings with sadness right now.
No comments:
Post a Comment