It's a new dawn, it's a new day, and I'm feeling good.

I will tell you one thing about charting cycles--there is very little mystery leftover once you are counting down hours to ovulation. I can absolutely see how OBs tell their patients struggling to conceive to stop worrying and just have fun. Once you realize that your female reproductive system is *TYPICALLY* a well oiled machine, the chance of it going off track becomes less and less.

I preface this post with that, because my husband cracked under pressure, and we momentarily lapsed in our "abstinence until Ireland" (not exactly abstinence, but you get my point). But since I know my chart like the back of my hand, I am 90% certain there is no chance of conception. Not like I'm rooting for it, as you know, there is a lot on my plate right now, but it is kind of ... boring (that's not the right word at all)... comforting? predictable?? knowing your body's rhythms. We are just about 3 days shy of it being even a slight chance. 

Anyways, that's not what I'm here to talk about today. I'm here to talk about preparations for ttc. And since we are playing with fire, I have no fully loaded on the primary conception plans-

1. aspirin
2. prenatals
3. vitex
4. glucosamine
5. vinegar 
6. cinnamon
7. Progesterone 1 day post ovulation

In January, I will add back in Cayenne pepper and wheat grass, as well as start drinking my nettle tea each morning. 

I did end up calling the specialist, and they confirmed my phospholipid panels all came back negative. So, according to modern science, there is nothing wrong with me. I am not so convinced. I just found out a friend of mine from one of my hematoma boards who lost a baby at 20 weeks to a SCH was diagnosed with not one, but two hematomas in her current pregnancy. There is a chance they will break up and disappear, as that is the more common outcome for women, and those of us who have lost because of it might just be more sensitive to their appearance. But I think that, when it comes to bodies, there is so much science we don't understand yet, and this is a highly under-researched condition. And I do not believe they are flukes or chance. She was on all of the medicines I am taking, she took all the precautions, and yet here we are, more hematomas. More question marks and fear in a pregnancy that should be a boring 9 months. I will keep researching and putting what I find here, but I am not convinced that because I tested negative for phospholipid clotting problems or Leiden Factor V that there isn't something else going on. I guess we'll find out in my next pregnancy if we get another SCH. . . and the pregnancy after that... and the pregnancy after that. 

I also wanted to share something weird with you. Due to current work conditions, house-buying conditions, and other stress factors in my life, I developed an eye spasm last week. It was pretty bad, and it comes and goes when I am in stressful situations. So I was reading about cures last night trying to find SOMETHING to help. I stumbled on a blog of a girl who was told by her eye doctor to try Tonic Water. She said it cured hers, and any time it flared up, she'd drink tonic water and it'd stop. Tonic Water has quinine, a smashed up bitter root that is considered a muscle relaxant. Well, my husband brought home diet tonic water, and I drank half the bottle (after a. a glass of wine to relax me further and b. filling it with Mio cause tonic SUCKS) and no twitch today! It's also my first day back at work in a stressful environment after Thanksgiving and still no twitch!!! I will finish off the bottle tonight. So there you go - a life hack. Tonic Water = Kills Eye Spasms.

Alright, it's cyber Monday. Off to go find some deals and cross off Christmas lists. 

-Emily

Great Links

The Great Sperm Race:

So I enjoy this eve from a non baby-obsessed mindset. It's sex ed all rolled up into an interesting film:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gAnMymnJiLM&list=PLCDECC6C14006053D


How often should we be ... doing it:

http://www.iflscience.com/health-and-medicine/more-sex-gets-you-pregnant

Well hello there, November.

Tut tut, it is mid November and I am way behind on my life goals. I don't know how I got so derailed from my  "LOSE WEIGHT!" "TAKE SUPPLEMENTS!" "WORKOUT!" goals, but perhaps it is crushing depression, an inexplicable fear of success, and distractions.

Or maybe I'm just lazy.

That all being said, it is mid-November. Which means, you guessed it! We are ALMOST THERE for TTC THB #1 (read: Trying to conceive Take Home Baby #1). My husband and I agreed on January Ireland trip to start trying again. So now I am ready to start prepping my womb, body, mind and soul for the journey we are about to undertake. 

Step 1: Negativity be-gone
I have really struggled this past month to not hate myself and what I do. Counseling helps, but when you are your biggest antagonist, and you live with yourself 24/7, it is hard to keep positivity up. I have been reading some psychology magazines and articles, and I am pretty sure I suffer from a condition called "doesn't ever vent anger, so bottles it up and makes herself into a victim". That is a real thing, I swear! If you have no means or outlet for anger, you try to justify and rationalize the feelings. When you do this, you internalize everything and start thinking that everything is unfair to YOU (well, me). "My friends all had babies successfully" "My friends all are able to lose weight without struggle" "No one else struggles financially" ... I must just have a bad streak of luck. Well friends, that is not true. I have an amazing husband, an INCREDIBLE family, a wonderful support system of friends. I am not a victim in any way except to myself. These next few months will be spent healing and trying to soften the blows of the punches I throw at myself. And also trying to emotionally get excited for this process and the nine month (hopefully) pregnancy. I have continually written on here that I don't feel like I'll ever get a take home baby. And maybe not. But we're going to try to be as positive as possible going forward. 

Step 2: Fixing My Body
It needs 30 days for most people to form a habit. But for me, I can't seem to get past about 14 before something 'epic' and life-changing happens that makes me want to celebrate with food. And instead of nudging myself back in the right direction, I go all out and stop exercising and eat McDonalds. That can't be my strategy going forward. For the next two and a half months everything I do needs to be done for me and ALSO for the baby. Because I'm not just eating Lays potato chips for me, but also I'm creating the future home of our child, and I need to protect my body as much as I would protect our baby. 


Step 3: Facing fears
I am not strong sometimes. I will admit that. I am a submissive person by nature. I have a big personality, but my instinct is to duck and run when danger or confrontation arises. But I am realizing that those responses show a disrespect for myself, and I am NOT stupid or incapable. SO I am going to take Papa Roach's advice and Face Everything and Rise. (Papa Roach is my muse, I guess).  Facing fears will involve tackling certain tasks that I have been avoiding, confidently and outwardly addressing problems I have with people face-to-face at the time it happens, and making sure I fix myself up to prepare myself for all of these situations. A good friend of mine told me to get some new work clothes so I feel confident and powerful. I tried getting dressed up today and it worked. I do feel stronger (it could also be the Starbucks frappucino, but I am hoping it's also the clothes and shoes). So, a trip to JCP during their big sales is in order. Even though money is tight, I need some superficial confidence to get through these fear-facing moments. And trust me, I'm a very timid person. 


Step 4: Supplement party
I've listed here before what I plan to take as we start to try again. Starting now through January, I will gradually be adding back in the full regime so those little zygotes have a strong foothold in the world. 

November
Multi-vitamin prenatal
Glucosamine (for my knees, not for baby) 
Vitex (to lengthen my luteal phase) 

December
All of the above Plus
Vinegar (with the Mother - so it is actually potent, fibroids, general health) 
Switch to naturally occurring folate-filled prenatal (in case  I can't digest folic acid in its synthetic form)
Cinnamon (to counteract the glucosamine and regulate blood sugar) 

January 
All of the above Plus
Aspirin (to prevent clotting)
Wheatgrass (dunno, read it somewhere, worth a try to help body heal) 
Cayenne Pepper (another healing agent)

I will also start tracking my BBT (read: Basal Body Temperature) starting on CD 1 (read: cycle day 1, meaning first day of period) (which SHOULD be tomorrow). The tracking will help me understand when I ovulate, and the length of the luteal phase.

Luteal Phase Aside: The length of the luteal phase can effect pregnancies. If your body does not produce enough progesterone after ovulation, the zygote can't implant in the uterus successfully. The progesterone dries up and the uterus sheds its lining too quickly. This can be checked by monitoring your ovulation day with your first day of your period. If it is below 10 days, then you have a shortened luteal phase. (mine is appearing to be around 10, i think optimal is 12) I am fairly confident this hurt our pregnancy--the egg implanted, but pulled away because the lining was not thick enough, and my luteal phase was too short. I have been taking Vitex and it seems to be lengthening my cycle. However, I did not understand the importance of the luteal phase the first time around, and most of my BBT tracking disappeared (Glow Users - if you have a miscarriage and put that into your account, it will wipe all of your data. Which is just wonderful once you are already suffering.)  Aside Finished. 

After ovulation, I will take progesterone each day for nine days until my period. That will help the body produce enough progesterone to develop the lining of the uterus, but by taking it after ovulation you are not restricting ovulation (too much progesterone can tell your body not to drop and egg). 

My specialist has progesterone on order for me, but I also have some left over from last time. Hopefully the new order won't be vaginal, because I've watched a blog (with images) on that, and it gets pretty nasty up in thurr with vaginal progesterone. Yikes.

A note on Vitex - they say to stop taking immediately if you get pregnant, but story after story shows that women who took it several weeks into their pregnancy were fine and had no issues, and if they stopped taking it they lost the baby. It's a personal choice, but I think I will continue taking it until we get a successful "no hematoma" report. Praying for that day... 

Step 5: Not Caring

So, now you know that my day will be centered around tracking, tracking, tracking, and pills. Which kind of takes the fun out of the "T" in "trying to conceive". But don't worry, we are going to go about our lives and just be married. And have fun. I am definitely able to separate the two things, and it won't be an "OMG IT'S TIME" type situation. We're going to just enjoy life and see what it throws at us. My husband truly believes it will happen the first try again, but I am not convinced. Bodies don't work like that. So I think we'll realistically have until spring before this all works and I have any kind of positive. (but one can hope we get pregnant in Ireland with an Irish baby and we have the baby around Halloween - the best time of the year). 

Okay, that is all for today. I am going to also post a really interesting article about having sex all month even when trying to conceive. Apparently your body is distracted, or used to the semen, so it doesn't attack as hard when your cervical mucus 'ladders' are down. Also, another thing I will post is the BEST conception video I've ever seen. 

Emily

Adrift in a sea of craziness

There's a lot going on right now. I'm not gonna lie, I'm pretty overwhelmed.

But this is a good overwhelmed, it is a lot of change, and that is something I've been missing in my life for the past few years. 

So first things first, I never called the doctor back. I need to do that. I don't know why I haven't. I guess part of me doesn't want to know, and another part of me thinks it's all fine that is why I haven't heard from him, and ANOTHER part of me thinks it's their responsibility to call me if I have some horrible life changing problem. (Right?!) 

I guess with that in mind, there is probably no problem. And then the "I should still call them" cycle begins again.  Maybe  I will just do it today and get it over with. Bleh. 

Well, we put a bid on a house, and they accepted, so it looks like we are buying a house. We were preapproved for a loan, so now we just have to make sure we can get that loan, and the inspection is Thursday. Something feels right about getting a house before a baby. The master has a nursery attached, so we'll have a baby room attached to our room. There are two bedrooms, so we'll have a guest room, and eventually the baby will move into that room. And there is a finished basement. It's everything we need. As much as I miss Scrumbles, I know that our next baby will be so much happier growing up in an incredible neighborhood, with a house to call his/her own, and a puppy to snuggle with, and a better life than what we would have had just a few months ago. I am pretty excited, and happy that it's happening so soon.

My husband is insisting we wait until we go to Ireland before we start trying again. As much as I want to be angry at him for it, I do think it makes the most sense. I want to be pregnant so badly, and I'm watching as my baby boards friends are all conceiving. I feel like we are wasting time on an arbitrary date. But I know we will have more fun and be more relaxed if we aren't worried about the pregnacny. The stress of traveling, the concern about flying, drinking Whiskey. I know it will be magical if we can experience the trip together. But my biological clock doesn't stop ticking just because I tell it to. And now that we have a REAL LIFE HOUSE in an incredible city it feels even more important to get pregnant. I think we will have to temper that desire with staying busy, exercising, and working on getting the house move-in ready.We also volunteered to have either Christmas or New Years parties, so it will be really fun to be with family and friends around the holidays in our new place. We sign on December 18, which means we will have a house for Christmas. I know that 2016 is going to be a better year. I know it is going to be full of changes and love and building new things and experiences. I cannot wait. 

Alright, changing gears. I am going to tell you a little story. Three months ago I had a second trimester miscarriage. I holed myself away from social events, society, and people. I decided that by Halloween I would be ready to go back out, and that timing was pretty accurate. In that time, my close friends stuck by me, but I was still keeping them at an arm's length. I hadn't seen any extended family since 4th of July. When Halloween rolled around and I was ready to get back out there and live my life, what I realized is that no one was there waiting for me. My friends had forgotten me. Life went on. They made plans without me. I half expected a last minute Halloween party to pop up. We did get two offers, but one was with a friend who hadn't talked to me or asked how I was doing or even knew we had a miscarriage. So. No. The other was a friend who was going to her mom's house. And as fun as that would have been, we would have been the awkward couple that tagged along. 

I guess it taught me a valuable lesson. and that lesson is stick with your family. and don't waste time with people who don't care about you. And that I am a changed person. And there is really no going back. That life before was different, and I feel now how truly connected I am to my husband and how we have eachother and need to stick with each other no matter how bad the world around us gets. I love him so much. 

So, after waking up on November 1st and feeling very alone (not alone alone, but alone in the friends area) I made this list. It is going to be how I live my life from now on. Even though I am incredibly shy, this list will be my new mantra: 

BE KIND
BE CLEAR
BE BRAVE
DON'T WASTE TIME (on people that don't matter)
BE EFFICIENT 
BE CALM
BREATHE

You are welcome to use my list. :) I am finding it helps tremendously in all things. 

Emily

All the thoughts originate from the mind.

I keep dreaming about being pregnant. Reading pregnancy tests that show positives. Last night I dreamt I took one, and it was strong positive, but the strip was twisted, so I couldn't turn it in the right direction to read it. 

I also have FELT pregnant, although according to family planning methods that is simply not possible. But the feelings are bringing up a lot of emotions about my angel baby. Last night I was just... sad. For him. For us. For my womb. For the future. I am scared and sad, and it comes and goes in waves. They always say that grief will hit you randomly and you can't expect it or plan for it, and last night was just one of those times. I have started a new weight loss plan "Choose to Lose" by Chris Powell, and it is going to be difficult. And his book had me think and say a lot of affirmations to help me take control over my body, and in doing so, I think it must have stirred up some stuff. 

Maybe I feel like I am turning a page on this chapter. Like it's on to the next one. My husband did not cry with me this weekend. I think he is healing. And that is such great news, I am elated. And I am healing, but it still hurts sometimes. Randomly. Like last night. And I knew so little before everything, and now I know so much that I wish I didn't. And I can't help but think that this will just be how it goes forever. That there is never going to be a warm wiggly baby that I get to take home. So in that line of thought, I just say "fuck it". And then a lot of other things matter more,and I am able to feel better. Even if only temporarily.

I am starting to accept and absorb that we are waiting to try again until January. As hard as it sounds right now,w e are not emotionally, financially, or physically ready to do this again. We have submitted for a mortgage loan, and might be looking to buy a house. Which would be a huge endeavor, stressful, and I wouldn't want to be pregnant during that process. I also know that the exhaustion and life changing events are going to be permanent if we get to take home a baby -- seeing my new-parents friends is evidence of that. So waiting is feeling okay. And getting my body under control is so important right now. 

But sometimes I get sad. And that's just the way this goes, I think .

I also have not heard back from the specialist, so I plan on calling him on Friday. I think he told us if we didn't hear anything it was good news. But you just never know, so I want to be sure. If nothing is wrong, I will be happy. I have gotten to the point where I will be glad to know I am functioning and what we tested for is not a cause of what happened. If it happens again,we will test for new things. I guess it's like the duck shooting game at the carnival where you just keep knocking the ducks down with pellets until there's nothing left and you either solve the mystery, or go home and decide to be wealthy entrepreneurs with no kids....

Anyways, I felt this blog deserved an update, as it has been two weeks with nothing. And that's not me keeping you in the dark, it's me being in the dark. I have no more answers. I just know how to walk the path laid out ahead of me. And we are so far from it being something we are actively trying that I've thrown away the thermometer and tracking and stopped taking everything but prenatals. I don't even want to look at that stuff right now, because it just makes me sad and angry. 

I will update if I learn more.

-Emily

5 Vials

It is a record. Today they drew 5 vials of blood. I went to a new testing facility (new OB=new facility). The girl was very good, and she let me lay down, or else I pass out. I didn't pass out! And she only had to stick me one time. We got the blood relatively quickly, but throughout this whole process, we have never drawn five vials before. Not even for the genetic screening! (That was 3 vials, and that was also a challenge.) 

Anyways, the blood draw went fine, but I thought I'd share with you what they are testing for in those five vials. 

1. Cardiolipin AB Screen
http://www.hopkinslupus.org/lupus-tests/antiphospholipid-antibodies/ 
Testing may also be ordered when a woman has had recurrent miscarriages and/or ordered along with lupus anticoagulant testing as a follow-up to a prolonged PTT test. When cardiolipin antibody is detected, then the test may be repeated several weeks later to determine whether the antibody is temporary or persistent. Moderate to high levels of cardiolipin antibodies that persist when tested again 6 weeks later indicate the likely continued presence of that specific antibody, which may be associated with excessive clotting or recurrent miscarriages. (https://labtestsonline.org/understanding/analytes/cardiolipin/tab/test/) 

2. Lupus Anticogulation 

Lupus anticoagulants are antibodies against substances in the lining of cells. These substances prevent blood clotting in a test tube. They are called phospholipids.

Persons with these antibodies may have an abnormally high risk of blood clotting.https://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/000547.htm 

https://labtestsonline.org/understanding/analytes/lupus-anticoagulant/tab/test/ 

3. Anti-B2 Clycoprotein Antibodies
https://labtestsonline.org/understanding/analytes/beta-2-glycoprotein-1-antibodies/tab/test/


So, after a brief scan, these are all related, and all  clotting issues that cause recurrent miscarriages. This is a good thing, because I do know I don't have the Factor V Leiden clotting disorder, but these seem to be more common. 


I still stand by my initial response that these will all turn up negative, but I am glad we will know for sure. I'm pretty anxious about hearing back from the specialist. He should have results by next Monday, and I should hear from him mid-to-late next week. (Since it took me 4 days to get the balls and energy to go get tested.) 

Once I know more, I will share on here. I just met (through a Baby Board) a girl who was diagnosed with this stuff, and she was told to wait to try to conceive for 12 weeks, when they would do another round of testing. Hearing that would be ... heartbreaking. But maybe good. I don't know. I don't know how I'm feeling. After having a little more sleep, and some time to collect myself, I am feeling slightly better. Still exhausted - mentally and physically - but better. I feel like every time I start climbing out of the dark, though, my husband jumps back into the abyss. Will these roller coaster days ever level out? 

I don't know, just going to keep blogging and doing things to make life better.

-Emily

Defeated.

I feel defeated. 

My husband used the word frustrated, but that's not quite right. Because, honestly, I just... want to be done. 

I feel such apathy right now. I feel like I've just run a half marathon, and I have two options - I can walk up a steep hill to my car, or I can sit on the pavement and watch other people finish their runs and walk to their cars. That's a weird analogy. My point is. I am tired of moving forward. I am tired of thinking and planning and hoping. I feel like it's all over. 

We went to the high risk doctor today, and his official assessment was, "It sounds like a fluke." 

A fluke. A horrible, life changing, horrific fluke. 

A family history of blood clots means very little when you were tested negative for the disease your family member had. I am healthy, by all accounts. Overweight, and anxiety-laden, but healthy. 

I don't know what I was hoping for... maybe something to ease my concern of this ever happening again. But that's not what I was told, I was told this was most likely a fluke, and we can try again in 4-6 months (December), and that we shouldn't have to do anything differently. 

I will give you everything I learned - 

-An assessment of fibroids by the Ultrasound Tech in the ER is a questionable assessment, especially without pictures.

-Lose 5-10% of my body fat (uh, yea, at least)

-Getting a blood test for Antiphospholipids (but I think that was just the doctor's way of trying to make me feel like we were doing something) 

-At my urging, he agreed to do progesterone supplements next time we're pregnant, but said that it's a chicken/egg situation. Was the uterus weakened/problematic and causing low hormone readings, or were my low hormones what caused the miscarriage in the first place? 

-Maybe the embroyo implanted on a blood vessel that kept bleeding, that is usually the case

-Fibroids would be more of a problem later in pregnancy, not as early as we were 

-For anyone wondering, the "official wait time" after a miscarriage is 1-2 months for first trimester, 4-6 months second trimester, 6 months-1 year third trimester 

It was a fluke. 

I feel so broken. I can't do this again. I can't do this again knowing that nothing was fixed, nothing was solved. I can't do this again knowing we are subjecting a fetus to a short life and a long death. 

I don't know why I am so upset about this, I was never sure I wanted a baby in the first place. Everyone tells you they ruin your life. So maybe we just, don't.

I might go silent for a while here. I have to process this. I can tell you one thing, we will not be getting pregnant any time soon. I am going to look into birth control. I don't want to be one of those women who are obsessed with having a baby and puts herself through hell trying.

I need some time away from this. From 'babies'. I need to get back to my normal life. I need to get away from it all. I'm so angry. I've always been a sore loser. I take my ball and go home. Well, so be it. Life's not fair. That's all I've learned in the past six months. Life's not fair, and the people who seem like they'd make awesome parents don't get babies.

Thanks for reading. If I ever get to a point where I change my mind, I will let you know. And I'll update this if I have the phospholipid disease (i won't). It was a fluke, and my womb is not designed to make babies. 

-Emily