It's been seven weeks now with our tiny human, and the world has shifted. Significantly.
I can't even explain how different things are, and I'm not sure it's worth trying. You will understand when you have children, or you already have children and you know what I mean.
There is a clear divide between pre and post baby, and it's like a whole separate life, and a whole different me. And to be honest, this new life is wonderfully scary. I'm not going to sugar-coat the mourning. I miss my 'freedom' and ability to do what I wanted when I wanted. If I could go back in time I would tell myself to take better advantage of that freedom. Now, everything is calculated and planned. Everything has to coordinate with the baby. And that's okay. It's also just exhausting.
She consumes our world and our energy. And I love that. I love having a purpose. She has given me new reasons to breathe.
I am also experimenting with my "mother's inutition". I've limited my board searching (to mostly POAS boards where women from my birth month pee on sticks to see if they're already pregnant. I do this not to judge, but partly out of jealousy. I miss being pregnant!!) We're doing this with our own instincts, and I think things have been running more smoothly.
She has a milk allergy, so we use Nutramigen. Everyone keeps telling us she'll get off the Nutramigen and onto regular formula soon. But you know what? She's gaining weight and happier than she's ever been. So I'm not worrying about switching her. She is allergic to my milk (dairy). So I am pumping and freezing while we get her leveled out. Eventually she'll get the breast milk, but for now, her baby acne and eczema has cleared up without my milk. We also have her on Aquafor and Eucerin baths. Poor thing has skin like her parents.
She's also tall (23") weighs 11.9 lbs and is a "mover" according to her pediatrician. She's rolling over from tummy to back and likes to hold her head up on her own. She rolls off of us when we're doing skin to skin.
She's amazing!!
So some fun products I'm trying -
We're installing our diaper sprayer, so I get to start using cloth as soon as it's functional! We have about 20 all in one diapers, so I'm hoping that will get us through two days, and then disposables at night. We got the bumkins sprayer, and I just need some pieces for the toilet connector and then we can start that. Yesterday I ordered her the new GroVia O.N.E. Onyx Stripe diaper. So far my favorite diapers are GroVia, Lalabye, and Thirsties. Blueberry too, but they seem to fit better when she's a little bigger. They just look all bunched up.
I also got her a SweeTooth teether. She's not teething according to the ped, but she chews on our fingers and fingernails and is drooling nonstop. So I wanted to have it for when she's ready for it.
I also got the new Ju-Ju-Be Chrome Be Classy bag as a purse for me when I go back to work. I've been using the BFF as her diaper bag and LOVE it. It's a big splurge, but I want to feel professional and 'together' when I go back to work. And that's a big step towards that. Before going back to work I need to:
Organize the house
Get cloth diaper plan in place
Get new clothes for me
Organize my clothes and try to pick colors/patterns/styles that all go together
Get rid of stuff (seriously, I need to read my organization book)
Get makeup together to do at work since she won't let me do it here yet (takes too long)
Go to Golds Gym and get my morning makeup stuff out of my locker
Lots to do, and only 4 weeks left to do it. My heart is breaking that work starts so soon, but life must go on and paychecks must be made.
Going forward, I will be writing my blog on my mommy page about growing up. But I'll come here to post about health stuff for subchorionic hematomas.
This has been an epic journey... and we've only just begun.
XxemxX
Saturday, October 15, 2016
Tuesday, October 4, 2016
Fun Giveaway!
For anyone who is interested in babywearing (or even if you don't know what that is) check out Abby's Lane! It's this amazing boutique of fine baby items and I looove spending my money there.
This month they are giving away 30 Tula carriers, which are the top of the line carrier in awesome prints. You can try to win one, like I am! :)
#30DaysofTulasGiveaway!
http://
And even if you aren't into the baby wearing, check out AL just for their great products and incredible customer service. You will not be disappointed.
*Stepping off promotional soap box*
This month they are giving away 30 Tula carriers, which are the top of the line carrier in awesome prints. You can try to win one, like I am! :)
#30DaysofTulasGiveaway!
http://
And even if you aren't into the baby wearing, check out AL just for their great products and incredible customer service. You will not be disappointed.
*Stepping off promotional soap box*
Saturday, October 1, 2016
A month (or so) out... Reflections
Well, here we are - October 1st. My first real chance to blog since we got home at the end of August. Where the hell did a whole month go? It seemingly got gobbled up by diapers, bottles, screaming infant cries and a whole lot of healing on my part. There is so much I could say, and yet, so much I have forgotten.
Next Friday is my 6 week check up with my OB when we are cleared for "normal" life.And also when I will find out if I can have more children. I am probably dreading that question more than anything else. The answer will significantly change my future. However, after doing some research about Post Partum Hemmorage (PPH), it seems as though the uterus is an incredible organ that can heal itself. So I am hoping everything is going to be okay. Now, the idea of another baby seems crazy right now - the financial impact, the sleepless nights, the missing of 'normalcy' with my husband - but... at the same time, I have this feeling, no, knowledge, that our family is not complete yet. That there is still another person who we need to meet.
Anyways, I'm now a month and a half into motherhood. And the road has been admittedly rocky. I am in love with this new version of me. And trust me, it is a NEW version of me. What new mothers don't understand, despite being told it a billion times, is that motherhood changes you. And honestly, I Think it's for the better. I have found this deep well of strength and love that I honestly never knew existed. There is also a new calmness in my DNA that didn't exist before. A sense of 'pause'. I will handle things. "This too shall pass." has never meant more to me. I LOVE being a mommy.
Though I will admit, I'm not the best at it. And that's not 'mom guilt' talking. I truly mourn the loss of my old life and freedoms. I miss being able to go where I please, do what I choose and answer to no one. This is so different now. This tiny human, she needs me. And I love LOVE it, but it is also a total adjustment. We have figured out a new normal. And it makes me a person who is more still, and yet more active than ever before. A strange mix.
And yet, there is no other way I would want to live right now. No other life I could possibly imagine than being a mom to this person. It is so perfectly me.
Anyways, there was a lot that happened in five weeks, but I will try to summarize to the best of my ability.
The first two weeks home are a blur. Honestly, they're mostly lost to me. The combination of percocet, anemia, and just general healing left me pretty dazed. From what I hear, my husband did a lot of things I had no idea were happening. Midnight feedings, baby care, etc. I did my best, but I know I wasn't 100% there.
I had horrible chills throughout the night and during the day. I needed a heating pad most of the time and three layers of clothing. I had terrible aches in my back and legs, the swelling took two weeks to go down. Luckily, my lady bits were not as destroyed as some of my fellow mamas. But it could have just been the narcotics helping me ignore the pain ;)
My teeth hurt, like when you eat too much sugar. My head was fuzzy. I had a lot of cramps. Bleeding. Not a ton of clots. Like I said, a lot of those first two weeks are gone. The chills were the worst, though. And on top of it, I got sick. My doctor prescribed a z-pack which helped immensely. I had no voice for two weeks. It was pretty terrible. And to top it off, my baby was pretty unhappy. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I wish I had done more research about nursing. Because it went terribly. We were supplementing with formula because my body was just not up to the task of producing enough. I could (and still can) only make about 1 ounce every two hours or so. I think she'd survive on it, and might even increase production over time, but she certainly wouldn't have thrived. So now we supplement and I feed her as often as possible and pump every three hours.
This child is either allergic to milk, or just a diva (we're pretty sure it's the milk), because she would scream after every meal - and sometimes just in general. So now we are on the uber-pricey Nutramigen. My best laid plans of breastfeeding and cloth diapering to help budget are pretty much out the window. The diapers might still happen, but since we are now not only feeding formula, but it's the MOST EXPENSIVE formula out there, I am just resigning myself to the fact that we're going t be broke forever. But hey, she can eat now, not scream, and has regular poops. And for her, I'd do anything to make her feel good. '
There is something so heartbreaking about not being able to feed your child. It was absolutely the hardest thing to deal with when we first got home. And even now, I feel like a failure for it. But my breasts just weren't cut out to make buffet meals. They never increased in size through pregnancy, and even when my milk came in. Before the end of the year I will be going to see an endocrinologist and a hematologist because apparently Thyroid issues can hurt milk production. And I now think I have a bleeding disorder, not a clotting disorder, that I want to be tested for. Mental note - go get appointments booked!
For other new moms who struggle with breastfeeding, or who are wanting to nurse - I recommend doing some research before you give birth so you know what to expect and what is normal. And how to 'increase supply' when you feel like you aren't making enough and everyone is telling you to supplement.
That all being said - feed your babies. There is no award for best mom. You just have to figure it all out and get through it. Your child will love you if you don't breastfeed. I promise. (my baby loves eating so much that she sucks down nutamigen, even thought it tastes and smells like rotting milk!)
So, coping with my failure as a milk cow was tough. But I'm getting over it. And learning how to make this little girl a happy healthy baby. She loves being held. She loves holding her head up. She is also somewhat indpeendent (for an infant). Sometimes, she just wants to lay down alone and not be messed with. She sleeps in her Pack N Play newborn napper like a champ. Anywhere from 3-4 hours at a time. The 5 am wake up is still hard on me (I NEED my sleep...) but we're getting better.
I read a great article that says "it doesn't get easier, you get better at it". And I am taking it to heart. I am getting better. I'm getting good at it. I still have my moments, and panic, and freak out, but we're learning together. I told my husband last night I feel like a little kid who is playing dress up with her mommy's clothing. The house, the baby, the responsiblities. I do not always feel like I can do it all. But I look around and realize, everyone must feel this way sometimes. Because it's just life. And you learn as you go.
So now that we are starting to 'get it', I am debating starting an entirely new blog about my parenting adventures as a working mom. Still undecided. But debating it. I will continue to update this blog with health issues revolving around hematomas. Because I think it's so important and any subsequent pregnancies will be logged here. But... i think it's time to start a new chapter.
My heart is full .And while I miss my son, I learned so much from my time with him. And I will love him forever. And this little girl is even more appreciated because we know the magnitude of what was lost,
And how appropriate on the firs day of October - the month of miscarriage awareness. We've come full circle. What a year and a half this has been. The amount I've learned and grown and changed... it's beyond even me to see the magnitude of the change and growth.
And one thing I take away from it all? Love. Just, sheer unadulterated love. That I didn't know I was capable of. And in so many new ways. For my lost son, for my giving husband, for my perfect daughter. For those around me - a new compassion I've never felt before. A sense of peace and belonging.
So much has changed, and yet, mostly it's just me who has changed.
Alright, it's Saturday and this little tot needs to get up and out so we sleep tonight. More coming as I think of any details essential to record.
-Emily
Next Friday is my 6 week check up with my OB when we are cleared for "normal" life.And also when I will find out if I can have more children. I am probably dreading that question more than anything else. The answer will significantly change my future. However, after doing some research about Post Partum Hemmorage (PPH), it seems as though the uterus is an incredible organ that can heal itself. So I am hoping everything is going to be okay. Now, the idea of another baby seems crazy right now - the financial impact, the sleepless nights, the missing of 'normalcy' with my husband - but... at the same time, I have this feeling, no, knowledge, that our family is not complete yet. That there is still another person who we need to meet.
Anyways, I'm now a month and a half into motherhood. And the road has been admittedly rocky. I am in love with this new version of me. And trust me, it is a NEW version of me. What new mothers don't understand, despite being told it a billion times, is that motherhood changes you. And honestly, I Think it's for the better. I have found this deep well of strength and love that I honestly never knew existed. There is also a new calmness in my DNA that didn't exist before. A sense of 'pause'. I will handle things. "This too shall pass." has never meant more to me. I LOVE being a mommy.
Though I will admit, I'm not the best at it. And that's not 'mom guilt' talking. I truly mourn the loss of my old life and freedoms. I miss being able to go where I please, do what I choose and answer to no one. This is so different now. This tiny human, she needs me. And I love LOVE it, but it is also a total adjustment. We have figured out a new normal. And it makes me a person who is more still, and yet more active than ever before. A strange mix.
And yet, there is no other way I would want to live right now. No other life I could possibly imagine than being a mom to this person. It is so perfectly me.
Anyways, there was a lot that happened in five weeks, but I will try to summarize to the best of my ability.
The first two weeks home are a blur. Honestly, they're mostly lost to me. The combination of percocet, anemia, and just general healing left me pretty dazed. From what I hear, my husband did a lot of things I had no idea were happening. Midnight feedings, baby care, etc. I did my best, but I know I wasn't 100% there.
I had horrible chills throughout the night and during the day. I needed a heating pad most of the time and three layers of clothing. I had terrible aches in my back and legs, the swelling took two weeks to go down. Luckily, my lady bits were not as destroyed as some of my fellow mamas. But it could have just been the narcotics helping me ignore the pain ;)
My teeth hurt, like when you eat too much sugar. My head was fuzzy. I had a lot of cramps. Bleeding. Not a ton of clots. Like I said, a lot of those first two weeks are gone. The chills were the worst, though. And on top of it, I got sick. My doctor prescribed a z-pack which helped immensely. I had no voice for two weeks. It was pretty terrible. And to top it off, my baby was pretty unhappy. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I wish I had done more research about nursing. Because it went terribly. We were supplementing with formula because my body was just not up to the task of producing enough. I could (and still can) only make about 1 ounce every two hours or so. I think she'd survive on it, and might even increase production over time, but she certainly wouldn't have thrived. So now we supplement and I feed her as often as possible and pump every three hours.
This child is either allergic to milk, or just a diva (we're pretty sure it's the milk), because she would scream after every meal - and sometimes just in general. So now we are on the uber-pricey Nutramigen. My best laid plans of breastfeeding and cloth diapering to help budget are pretty much out the window. The diapers might still happen, but since we are now not only feeding formula, but it's the MOST EXPENSIVE formula out there, I am just resigning myself to the fact that we're going t be broke forever. But hey, she can eat now, not scream, and has regular poops. And for her, I'd do anything to make her feel good. '
There is something so heartbreaking about not being able to feed your child. It was absolutely the hardest thing to deal with when we first got home. And even now, I feel like a failure for it. But my breasts just weren't cut out to make buffet meals. They never increased in size through pregnancy, and even when my milk came in. Before the end of the year I will be going to see an endocrinologist and a hematologist because apparently Thyroid issues can hurt milk production. And I now think I have a bleeding disorder, not a clotting disorder, that I want to be tested for. Mental note - go get appointments booked!
For other new moms who struggle with breastfeeding, or who are wanting to nurse - I recommend doing some research before you give birth so you know what to expect and what is normal. And how to 'increase supply' when you feel like you aren't making enough and everyone is telling you to supplement.
That all being said - feed your babies. There is no award for best mom. You just have to figure it all out and get through it. Your child will love you if you don't breastfeed. I promise. (my baby loves eating so much that she sucks down nutamigen, even thought it tastes and smells like rotting milk!)
So, coping with my failure as a milk cow was tough. But I'm getting over it. And learning how to make this little girl a happy healthy baby. She loves being held. She loves holding her head up. She is also somewhat indpeendent (for an infant). Sometimes, she just wants to lay down alone and not be messed with. She sleeps in her Pack N Play newborn napper like a champ. Anywhere from 3-4 hours at a time. The 5 am wake up is still hard on me (I NEED my sleep...) but we're getting better.
I read a great article that says "it doesn't get easier, you get better at it". And I am taking it to heart. I am getting better. I'm getting good at it. I still have my moments, and panic, and freak out, but we're learning together. I told my husband last night I feel like a little kid who is playing dress up with her mommy's clothing. The house, the baby, the responsiblities. I do not always feel like I can do it all. But I look around and realize, everyone must feel this way sometimes. Because it's just life. And you learn as you go.
So now that we are starting to 'get it', I am debating starting an entirely new blog about my parenting adventures as a working mom. Still undecided. But debating it. I will continue to update this blog with health issues revolving around hematomas. Because I think it's so important and any subsequent pregnancies will be logged here. But... i think it's time to start a new chapter.
My heart is full .And while I miss my son, I learned so much from my time with him. And I will love him forever. And this little girl is even more appreciated because we know the magnitude of what was lost,
And how appropriate on the firs day of October - the month of miscarriage awareness. We've come full circle. What a year and a half this has been. The amount I've learned and grown and changed... it's beyond even me to see the magnitude of the change and growth.
And one thing I take away from it all? Love. Just, sheer unadulterated love. That I didn't know I was capable of. And in so many new ways. For my lost son, for my giving husband, for my perfect daughter. For those around me - a new compassion I've never felt before. A sense of peace and belonging.
So much has changed, and yet, mostly it's just me who has changed.
Alright, it's Saturday and this little tot needs to get up and out so we sleep tonight. More coming as I think of any details essential to record.
-Emily
Next Day
We woke up the next morning to my OB checking my stitches and bleeding. She removed all of the gauze packing and it looked like the bleeding had stopped. Hooray! She had requested to keep me in L&D just in case, so once she checked me out we were cleared to move to postpartum recovery. The whole day Friday was spent moving us into our new room and getting settled. Luckily, no one tried to visit us on Friday, because we were dazed and confused and still in a little shock.
Once we got into the new room, it felt like things settled. My BP was still too low, and hemoglobin level kept dropping. (13 when we arrived, 11 after labor, 9 that night, and it hung around 9 the whole time in the hospital).
Since the way things work at our local hospitals is you get 2 days after a vaginal birth, we were planning to be discharged Saturday. Which seemed insane, as we only had one night in this new room. But that is the way it works. To be honest, this period of time is both a complete blur and also acutely clear in my mind. I remember flashes of things and nothing. I did know one thing - I was happy to have nurses around. They took care of the baby so well. She LOVED her nurse Brittany. And they took care of me physically and emotionally. The nurses were ... angels. I know that seems extreme, but they made the whole experience so wonderful.
Also, hospital food? Amazing.
So, we did what most new parents probably do - try to get used to this tiny human being there 24/7. We also tried nursing.
I will tell you (now that I'm 3 weeks out) that I wish I had done more research about nursing before going into this. I had hoped/expected my body to just happily feed the baby. It's not always that easy, though. Especially when you have small, misshapen breasts.
After my doctor did rounds on Saturday, they decided to keep me another night for monitoring. Since I was the patient now, not the baby, the baby was discharged! So Saturday night, baby girl and my husband were my "guests" and stayed in my room.
That was a trip. It really hit us what was happening that night. I am very grateful our first "alone" night with the baby was in the hospital. I was a mess, so it was nice having some extra support!
Sunday morning my left leg was extremely swollen, so they did a scan due to my family's history with Deep Vein Thrombosis. Everything was cleared, and we were told we could go. We packed up and were discharged.
It was so surreal packing up and putting baby girl in her carseat. I was awkward and fumbled with it while my husband pulled the car around. The nurse tried to help as best she could (they aren't allowed to help really). Her name was Courtney, and she was so wonderful to us. Her calm, soothing demeanor kept both of us pretty sane.
Thank God for nurses...
Before long, we were in the Ford Focus and on our way home with our newborn.
Life as we knew it was over, and a new chapter had begun.
-Em
Once we got into the new room, it felt like things settled. My BP was still too low, and hemoglobin level kept dropping. (13 when we arrived, 11 after labor, 9 that night, and it hung around 9 the whole time in the hospital).
Since the way things work at our local hospitals is you get 2 days after a vaginal birth, we were planning to be discharged Saturday. Which seemed insane, as we only had one night in this new room. But that is the way it works. To be honest, this period of time is both a complete blur and also acutely clear in my mind. I remember flashes of things and nothing. I did know one thing - I was happy to have nurses around. They took care of the baby so well. She LOVED her nurse Brittany. And they took care of me physically and emotionally. The nurses were ... angels. I know that seems extreme, but they made the whole experience so wonderful.
Also, hospital food? Amazing.
So, we did what most new parents probably do - try to get used to this tiny human being there 24/7. We also tried nursing.
I will tell you (now that I'm 3 weeks out) that I wish I had done more research about nursing before going into this. I had hoped/expected my body to just happily feed the baby. It's not always that easy, though. Especially when you have small, misshapen breasts.
After my doctor did rounds on Saturday, they decided to keep me another night for monitoring. Since I was the patient now, not the baby, the baby was discharged! So Saturday night, baby girl and my husband were my "guests" and stayed in my room.
That was a trip. It really hit us what was happening that night. I am very grateful our first "alone" night with the baby was in the hospital. I was a mess, so it was nice having some extra support!
Sunday morning my left leg was extremely swollen, so they did a scan due to my family's history with Deep Vein Thrombosis. Everything was cleared, and we were told we could go. We packed up and were discharged.
It was so surreal packing up and putting baby girl in her carseat. I was awkward and fumbled with it while my husband pulled the car around. The nurse tried to help as best she could (they aren't allowed to help really). Her name was Courtney, and she was so wonderful to us. Her calm, soothing demeanor kept both of us pretty sane.
Thank God for nurses...
Before long, we were in the Ford Focus and on our way home with our newborn.
Life as we knew it was over, and a new chapter had begun.
-Em
Sunday, September 11, 2016
Signed, sealed, delivered, I'm yours -
I'm sure there are people in my life who consider me a hypochondriac/worrier of grandiose proportions. Sure, I'll agree, I have my insecurities. But to say our birth story was anything short of traumatic would be a gross understatement. Before I dive into details (because they're already getting fuzzy, and I want to remember), I will say that baby is perfect, and the "I've never known love like this" emotion is a real thing...
We were called in for induction at 2:30am on August 23, 2016. I had been checked the day before and was at 2cm dilated, but my cervix was still thick and baby hadn't fully dropped. But with the GD, we weren't going past our due date of the 26th, so after discussing with our doctor, we decided to induce. Our goal was a vaginal birth - we wanted to avoid the c-section if at all possible because of my weight. I don't have anything against sections, or RCS, my doctor was just worried about wound breakdown, and with my pelvis shape we thought we could get her out on her own. The shoulder problems were still a question mark, but after weighing the options we wanted to try vaginal first.
Cue the Cytotec.
First dose of Cytotec was inserted later that morning, and they hooked me up to a saline drip. I was able to move around, but the wireless monitors were broken so I was forced to stay in about a 10' radius. (Almost everything in my room was broken - bed, wireless monitors, thermometer...) The resident OBGYN and her intern did the first dose of cytotec, and I think the pill didn't make it all the way up to the cervix. Later we would discover I was only dilating on the outside, not the inside of my cervix. We went to 'sleep' and would be checked in four hours to check progress.
Four hours later - cervix still hard, still at 2cm. No progress. Second round of Cytotec and they started me on a Pitocin drip. Contractions started coming irregularly. The external monitor wasn't extremely accurate, and we weren't getting measurements if I had to get up to use the bathroom. But I was starting to contract. This wasn't pleasant, but also not extremely painful. Four hours went by and again, no progress. So we decided to try a foley bulb.
Ladies. I can honestly tell you that in my 28 years of life I've never experienced anything as painful as a foley bulb.
What is it? It's a rubber 'balloon' shoved up your vagina past your cervix that is inflated once in position. They tie a 'stem' it's connected to to your leg and pull it out further manually every 30 minutes with the hopes of dilating you to a 4 or a 5. By now I was having killer back labor (oh, btw, baby girl was still turned sideways and that back labor is no joke. The pain of contractions were 100% happening in my back. Not like anyone describes them (hips to front in a tightening painful motion.) Oh no, back labor is like if someone is taking a blunt dagger and repeatedly digging it into your lower spine.) But I digress.
The foley bulb was misery. I almost threw up in pain (never happened to me before) and I just about broke my husbands hands. But, about an hour and a half later, it finally came out. ... I was dilated to a 3.
At this point, my doctor came to check on things, and I told her I wasn't able to move around because of the censors. She quickly remedied that and I could start sitting on the ball and laboring more naturally -- that is what helped immensely.
After all this and no progress, we assumed we were destined for a c-section, But my doctor is AMAZING and said "let's take a break". So we cut the Pitocin drip, did another Cytotec and were told to relax for the night. That was our saving grace. Without that break we'd have never made it vaginally, and a section would have been exhausting. We closed out the night watching South Park and trying to sleep.
The next day (Thurs August 25)
My cervix FINALLY started softening!! WIth that news, we started Pitocin again.
However, water wasn't broken. SO my doctor decided that was our next step. The resident on-call was scheduled to come break my water, which terrified me for some reason - probably because of the stories I've heard about the hook they use - so I bounced on my ball ferociously. Resigned to the fact it was happening, I relaxed and felt a semi-painful POP and gush of fluids. Bloody fluids. My water broke on its own!! After that, shit got real. (I also think baby girl finally twisted her head and got into place. Before this she was facing to th right - thank you baby, for the back labor love you!! ;) )
After my water broke the Pitocin (now about 2 bags in) started doing its job and the contractions were getting strong and painful. So my doctor said I could have an epidural. The epidural guy and I had a bit of a misunderstanding so he went in a bit far to the left, and the entire time my right side wasn't very "epiduraled" (as they don't really go numb). The cold sensation from the drugs going down the tube taped to my spine was by far the weirdest sensation of this whole adventure. I felt like a robot with a cooling system - and no legs.
Around this time, we had a new nurse come in. She wasn't assigned to me, but her coworkers were busy with a delivery so she filled in. I loved Sherri so much. We asked her to stay with us for delivery. Luckily my OB agreed. Sherri had seen some labors, she was calm, collected, and experienced. I felt very comfortable with her. All of the nurses were AMAZING, but some stand out, and she was one of them. I actually say that the reason we were able to have this baby vaginally is because of Sherri, who really took care of me. And also used the peanut ball to help me dilate. I can't say enough thank yous to this woman.
Alright, so now I'm drugged up, using the peanut ball (literally just an exercise ball shaped like a peanut) between my knees trying to encourage baby to make her way. Still dilated to 3cm. But finally able to relax. My husband and I watched Miss Congeniality. lol
Later that day, I started feeling off. I assumed it was my blood sugar. They were monitoring it every 4 hours, but I hadn't had breakfast, and the epidural meant I could only have soda, juice or frozen juice. I was not a happy camper, but no one could really do anything. Eventually, I started having chills. And then my blood pressure bottomed out.
It was really bad. I can honestly say that the only time I was extremely worried about my life was lying on this table, unable to move or eat, and watching my blood pressure drop to 60/40. The resident doctor was in the room eventually and helped to get my bp back up. It took about 4 doses of... some drug? What I realize now that I didn't know then is that I had started hemmoraghing. I believe the placenta / sack had started to tear away from my uterus and blood was filling up in there. I kept feeling pressure and thought it was baby's head, but everyone told me no way - i Was hardly dilated.
Finally, after stopping shaking and my BP regulated (to about 90/45) I made the nurse check me, and there was a head!! They put in internal monitors for baby since she was having decels. And they called my doctor.
What we found out later is that my doctor had decided we were going to do a c-section at that point. When the nurse called her to say she felt a head she didn't believe the nurse!! They told her to get there ASAP. She was going to be there in 30 minutes, but she really didn't have that long,because baby girl was coming! I could feel her head every time I contracted! It was surreal!!
When my doctor got to the room she double-checked, and sure enough there was head. I just remember the nurse saying "Get your gown on!" frantically. As soon as they were ready, we got my legs up and did a 'practice push'. Baby crowned and then two pushes later and she was OUT!!! My husband said she shot out into my doctor's hands. Everyone cheered at a FTM giving birth in 2 pushes, my doctor was so excited, the nurse said she hadn't seen anything like it, and another nurse said she wanted a labor as easy as mine!
They put my baby on my chest and she screamed her little head off. And settled a bit. She was covered in vernix and so disgusting but I couldn't quite believe I made this tiny human. She didn't look a thing like me- she looked just like her daddy! The cord was so long that the doctor thought they cut it and they hadn't. We donated the cord blood and were able to let it stop pulsing before cutting it. My husband didn't want to cut the cord, so the nurse did. And everything was perfect. My doctor was stitching up my second degree tear and I had skin-to-skin like we wanted. It was freaking magical!
And then my doctor's face changed and she told Dylan to go over to the warming table and "take care of the baby". At that point about 10 additional people came in (after several harried calls were made to selected residents). And the room changed.
Part 3 - Blood
We went in on Tuesday jokingly saying we would keep track of how many people had their hands in my vagina. We were at about 6 when all hell broke loose, and honestly, I am guessing after labor and delivery the number is larger than 10.
I just kept bleeding. There was so much blood. My doctor couldn't get it to stop. She called in residents and the house doctor for consultation and help. They tried stitching my torn uterus, but there was "Nothing to stitch it to". Seriously, those words were spoken. Transfusion blood was ordered and they put me back on Pit to help the uterus contract (how they typically get bleeding to stop). Nothing was working. I Just kept seeing them pull lap pads out of me. I felt like an episode of Greys Anatomy. It was surreal. I can't think of a better word to describe it than that.
My doctor kept saying "how are you doing, emily?" "are you alright?" i felt okay. I just stared at my husband and baby and watched as they did her footprints and cleaned her up. She was so small, and yet so fierce. 8 lbs 9 ounces. 21.5" long. In the 99th percentile for cranial circumference and height. And she was absolutely perfect. Her cries were so loud and demanding. I just focused on them. They got the baby swaddled and my husband had her and was sitting in the corner watching everything.
My doctor also asked if I had any history of clotting (uhhh.... seriously?) and if I had heavy periods as a kid (still do.) At my five week follow up, I will be asking her more about those questions. At the time, I just rolled my eyes.
The doctors made sure all of the placenta had been removed, and were trying to get me to stop bleeding. Sherri and the nurses got more meds that cause bleeding to stop. And they put a new line in me for the blood transfusion, which, luckily, didn't happen. My doctor finally decided to put in pads. Seriously, they stuffed me like a turkey. I think there were over 20 lap pads in me. The hope was I would stop bleeding on my own, since they couldn't do anything.
Once the blood stopped oozing, they cleaned me up, packed me up, and cleaned up the room. There was blood everywhere. On the counters, on the floor. On the bed. Like magic, everyone seemed to disappear. Maybe shock took over? All I remember was being told I was full of gauze and we'd check it in the morning to see if we had to go to OR to fix me. OH, and that I could FINALLY eat something light.
... to be continued
We were called in for induction at 2:30am on August 23, 2016. I had been checked the day before and was at 2cm dilated, but my cervix was still thick and baby hadn't fully dropped. But with the GD, we weren't going past our due date of the 26th, so after discussing with our doctor, we decided to induce. Our goal was a vaginal birth - we wanted to avoid the c-section if at all possible because of my weight. I don't have anything against sections, or RCS, my doctor was just worried about wound breakdown, and with my pelvis shape we thought we could get her out on her own. The shoulder problems were still a question mark, but after weighing the options we wanted to try vaginal first.
Cue the Cytotec.
First dose of Cytotec was inserted later that morning, and they hooked me up to a saline drip. I was able to move around, but the wireless monitors were broken so I was forced to stay in about a 10' radius. (Almost everything in my room was broken - bed, wireless monitors, thermometer...) The resident OBGYN and her intern did the first dose of cytotec, and I think the pill didn't make it all the way up to the cervix. Later we would discover I was only dilating on the outside, not the inside of my cervix. We went to 'sleep' and would be checked in four hours to check progress.
Four hours later - cervix still hard, still at 2cm. No progress. Second round of Cytotec and they started me on a Pitocin drip. Contractions started coming irregularly. The external monitor wasn't extremely accurate, and we weren't getting measurements if I had to get up to use the bathroom. But I was starting to contract. This wasn't pleasant, but also not extremely painful. Four hours went by and again, no progress. So we decided to try a foley bulb.
Ladies. I can honestly tell you that in my 28 years of life I've never experienced anything as painful as a foley bulb.
What is it? It's a rubber 'balloon' shoved up your vagina past your cervix that is inflated once in position. They tie a 'stem' it's connected to to your leg and pull it out further manually every 30 minutes with the hopes of dilating you to a 4 or a 5. By now I was having killer back labor (oh, btw, baby girl was still turned sideways and that back labor is no joke. The pain of contractions were 100% happening in my back. Not like anyone describes them (hips to front in a tightening painful motion.) Oh no, back labor is like if someone is taking a blunt dagger and repeatedly digging it into your lower spine.) But I digress.
The foley bulb was misery. I almost threw up in pain (never happened to me before) and I just about broke my husbands hands. But, about an hour and a half later, it finally came out. ... I was dilated to a 3.
At this point, my doctor came to check on things, and I told her I wasn't able to move around because of the censors. She quickly remedied that and I could start sitting on the ball and laboring more naturally -- that is what helped immensely.
After all this and no progress, we assumed we were destined for a c-section, But my doctor is AMAZING and said "let's take a break". So we cut the Pitocin drip, did another Cytotec and were told to relax for the night. That was our saving grace. Without that break we'd have never made it vaginally, and a section would have been exhausting. We closed out the night watching South Park and trying to sleep.
The next day (Thurs August 25)
My cervix FINALLY started softening!! WIth that news, we started Pitocin again.
However, water wasn't broken. SO my doctor decided that was our next step. The resident on-call was scheduled to come break my water, which terrified me for some reason - probably because of the stories I've heard about the hook they use - so I bounced on my ball ferociously. Resigned to the fact it was happening, I relaxed and felt a semi-painful POP and gush of fluids. Bloody fluids. My water broke on its own!! After that, shit got real. (I also think baby girl finally twisted her head and got into place. Before this she was facing to th right - thank you baby, for the back labor love you!! ;) )
After my water broke the Pitocin (now about 2 bags in) started doing its job and the contractions were getting strong and painful. So my doctor said I could have an epidural. The epidural guy and I had a bit of a misunderstanding so he went in a bit far to the left, and the entire time my right side wasn't very "epiduraled" (as they don't really go numb). The cold sensation from the drugs going down the tube taped to my spine was by far the weirdest sensation of this whole adventure. I felt like a robot with a cooling system - and no legs.
Around this time, we had a new nurse come in. She wasn't assigned to me, but her coworkers were busy with a delivery so she filled in. I loved Sherri so much. We asked her to stay with us for delivery. Luckily my OB agreed. Sherri had seen some labors, she was calm, collected, and experienced. I felt very comfortable with her. All of the nurses were AMAZING, but some stand out, and she was one of them. I actually say that the reason we were able to have this baby vaginally is because of Sherri, who really took care of me. And also used the peanut ball to help me dilate. I can't say enough thank yous to this woman.
Alright, so now I'm drugged up, using the peanut ball (literally just an exercise ball shaped like a peanut) between my knees trying to encourage baby to make her way. Still dilated to 3cm. But finally able to relax. My husband and I watched Miss Congeniality. lol
Later that day, I started feeling off. I assumed it was my blood sugar. They were monitoring it every 4 hours, but I hadn't had breakfast, and the epidural meant I could only have soda, juice or frozen juice. I was not a happy camper, but no one could really do anything. Eventually, I started having chills. And then my blood pressure bottomed out.
It was really bad. I can honestly say that the only time I was extremely worried about my life was lying on this table, unable to move or eat, and watching my blood pressure drop to 60/40. The resident doctor was in the room eventually and helped to get my bp back up. It took about 4 doses of... some drug? What I realize now that I didn't know then is that I had started hemmoraghing. I believe the placenta / sack had started to tear away from my uterus and blood was filling up in there. I kept feeling pressure and thought it was baby's head, but everyone told me no way - i Was hardly dilated.
Finally, after stopping shaking and my BP regulated (to about 90/45) I made the nurse check me, and there was a head!! They put in internal monitors for baby since she was having decels. And they called my doctor.
What we found out later is that my doctor had decided we were going to do a c-section at that point. When the nurse called her to say she felt a head she didn't believe the nurse!! They told her to get there ASAP. She was going to be there in 30 minutes, but she really didn't have that long,because baby girl was coming! I could feel her head every time I contracted! It was surreal!!
When my doctor got to the room she double-checked, and sure enough there was head. I just remember the nurse saying "Get your gown on!" frantically. As soon as they were ready, we got my legs up and did a 'practice push'. Baby crowned and then two pushes later and she was OUT!!! My husband said she shot out into my doctor's hands. Everyone cheered at a FTM giving birth in 2 pushes, my doctor was so excited, the nurse said she hadn't seen anything like it, and another nurse said she wanted a labor as easy as mine!
They put my baby on my chest and she screamed her little head off. And settled a bit. She was covered in vernix and so disgusting but I couldn't quite believe I made this tiny human. She didn't look a thing like me- she looked just like her daddy! The cord was so long that the doctor thought they cut it and they hadn't. We donated the cord blood and were able to let it stop pulsing before cutting it. My husband didn't want to cut the cord, so the nurse did. And everything was perfect. My doctor was stitching up my second degree tear and I had skin-to-skin like we wanted. It was freaking magical!
And then my doctor's face changed and she told Dylan to go over to the warming table and "take care of the baby". At that point about 10 additional people came in (after several harried calls were made to selected residents). And the room changed.
Part 3 - Blood
We went in on Tuesday jokingly saying we would keep track of how many people had their hands in my vagina. We were at about 6 when all hell broke loose, and honestly, I am guessing after labor and delivery the number is larger than 10.
I just kept bleeding. There was so much blood. My doctor couldn't get it to stop. She called in residents and the house doctor for consultation and help. They tried stitching my torn uterus, but there was "Nothing to stitch it to". Seriously, those words were spoken. Transfusion blood was ordered and they put me back on Pit to help the uterus contract (how they typically get bleeding to stop). Nothing was working. I Just kept seeing them pull lap pads out of me. I felt like an episode of Greys Anatomy. It was surreal. I can't think of a better word to describe it than that.
My doctor kept saying "how are you doing, emily?" "are you alright?" i felt okay. I just stared at my husband and baby and watched as they did her footprints and cleaned her up. She was so small, and yet so fierce. 8 lbs 9 ounces. 21.5" long. In the 99th percentile for cranial circumference and height. And she was absolutely perfect. Her cries were so loud and demanding. I just focused on them. They got the baby swaddled and my husband had her and was sitting in the corner watching everything.
My doctor also asked if I had any history of clotting (uhhh.... seriously?) and if I had heavy periods as a kid (still do.) At my five week follow up, I will be asking her more about those questions. At the time, I just rolled my eyes.
The doctors made sure all of the placenta had been removed, and were trying to get me to stop bleeding. Sherri and the nurses got more meds that cause bleeding to stop. And they put a new line in me for the blood transfusion, which, luckily, didn't happen. My doctor finally decided to put in pads. Seriously, they stuffed me like a turkey. I think there were over 20 lap pads in me. The hope was I would stop bleeding on my own, since they couldn't do anything.
Once the blood stopped oozing, they cleaned me up, packed me up, and cleaned up the room. There was blood everywhere. On the counters, on the floor. On the bed. Like magic, everyone seemed to disappear. Maybe shock took over? All I remember was being told I was full of gauze and we'd check it in the morning to see if we had to go to OR to fix me. OH, and that I could FINALLY eat something light.
... to be continued
Monday, August 22, 2016
The final countdown...
We are being induced Wednesday night / Thursday morning... we are in the final three days. :O
Does it feel real yet? It doesn't for me! Today is my final appointment/cervical check/ NST. Depending on how that goes, we are scheduled for Wednesday night, as long as the hospital has room. My OB wants to get the dilation started that night, so that we deliver Thursday. She thinks it's going to take a while to get things moving, so we'll see... I'm not so sure. I am EXTREMELY sensitive to meds, so I have a feeling it won't take that long. But of course, I'm not the doctor.
I was thinking this baby was coming on her own Saturday. After our appointment friday I started losing my mucus plug, pretty sure it's almost completely gone. And I was having a lot of pressure. It mostly stopped yesterday/today. I am concerned she is so big/wrapped in her cord that it's going to complicate things. But I have faith in my hospital and doctor to get her through delivery safely.
Now we just need to get her alive until Thursday. I know that sounds crazy to have anxiety about that, but I also know with a GD diagnosis my placenta is going to deteriorate rather quickly as we get around that 40 week mark, she is getting bigger, and there are still things that can go wrong. So, praying we make it through the next two days calmly and stress free. We are still counting kicks. She was so crazy last night that today she's pretty quiet. So I'm glad we're going for the NST.
I will update after my appointment today if anything changes, and if not, then after we go through this crazy labor experience...
Also, work is insane. I am feeling very nervous about leaving, and having them think I am not important enough to bring back. I know that's not going to happen, but I am still nervous. That's normal I think. So when I get back in november I'm going to have to really knock it out of the park. And hope that nothing comes up while I'm out that is really, really horrible.
Sigh. So much on my mind. Come on, Wednesday. I'm taking the day off so I'll go get our carseat fitted properly and any last minute things done at the house. And rest in preparation. Am I nervous? for me and the baby, yes. For labor? a little. Mostly excited we made it, and that excitement is drowning out the fear for now.
-Em
Does it feel real yet? It doesn't for me! Today is my final appointment/cervical check/ NST. Depending on how that goes, we are scheduled for Wednesday night, as long as the hospital has room. My OB wants to get the dilation started that night, so that we deliver Thursday. She thinks it's going to take a while to get things moving, so we'll see... I'm not so sure. I am EXTREMELY sensitive to meds, so I have a feeling it won't take that long. But of course, I'm not the doctor.
I was thinking this baby was coming on her own Saturday. After our appointment friday I started losing my mucus plug, pretty sure it's almost completely gone. And I was having a lot of pressure. It mostly stopped yesterday/today. I am concerned she is so big/wrapped in her cord that it's going to complicate things. But I have faith in my hospital and doctor to get her through delivery safely.
Now we just need to get her alive until Thursday. I know that sounds crazy to have anxiety about that, but I also know with a GD diagnosis my placenta is going to deteriorate rather quickly as we get around that 40 week mark, she is getting bigger, and there are still things that can go wrong. So, praying we make it through the next two days calmly and stress free. We are still counting kicks. She was so crazy last night that today she's pretty quiet. So I'm glad we're going for the NST.
I will update after my appointment today if anything changes, and if not, then after we go through this crazy labor experience...
Also, work is insane. I am feeling very nervous about leaving, and having them think I am not important enough to bring back. I know that's not going to happen, but I am still nervous. That's normal I think. So when I get back in november I'm going to have to really knock it out of the park. And hope that nothing comes up while I'm out that is really, really horrible.
Sigh. So much on my mind. Come on, Wednesday. I'm taking the day off so I'll go get our carseat fitted properly and any last minute things done at the house. And rest in preparation. Am I nervous? for me and the baby, yes. For labor? a little. Mostly excited we made it, and that excitement is drowning out the fear for now.
-Em
Thursday, August 18, 2016
Something...?
So, last night I had a lot of rib/upper stomach pain, and upper back pain. It almost felt like a tightening/contraction. I read that could be a sign of Pre-E. I am debating calling the doctor today, but I have an appointment with her tomorrow, and no more of that type of pain.
Instead, I am not having EXTREME discomfort in my hips and pelvis. It almost feels like the baby is jackhammering down on my cervix, if that makes any sense. It comes and goes, and it's not really a contraction. I am hoping maybe she's dropping?
Still might call the OB. I know I was going to "call no matter what" this week, but as long as I feel baby moving, we are so close to our appointment, and talking to the OB practice on the phone is kind of just infuriating (I need a new OB next time I think, very uncomfortable still).
Anyways, my point is, hopefully this baby is dropping into my hips a bit, and we are getting closer to labor... Maybe?! Agggh
-Em
Instead, I am not having EXTREME discomfort in my hips and pelvis. It almost feels like the baby is jackhammering down on my cervix, if that makes any sense. It comes and goes, and it's not really a contraction. I am hoping maybe she's dropping?
Still might call the OB. I know I was going to "call no matter what" this week, but as long as I feel baby moving, we are so close to our appointment, and talking to the OB practice on the phone is kind of just infuriating (I need a new OB next time I think, very uncomfortable still).
Anyways, my point is, hopefully this baby is dropping into my hips a bit, and we are getting closer to labor... Maybe?! Agggh
-Em
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