Okay, I wish I had a pregnant friend or two, to go through this process with, because reading the internet is just scary, and my friends are mostly single, so I am pioneering the way through mucus and hip pain.
Anyways, weirdest thing happened this weekend. Friday night I was very, very sore. So sore I felt a little shaky and sick. Standing up made me feel a little off, and my hips/round ligaments/uterus were very achey. I was a little concerned about a miscarraige again because it almost felt crampy.
I went to bed, and when I woke up, everything felt different. Almost like she moved higher up in my abdomen. I don't have nearly the symptoms I had before. The achey hips are there (obesity at its finest). But the sloshing feeling is gone, the constant pulling is gone. I think the baby might have shifted higher up? Is that what happens when skinny women "pop" and get their bellies? I don't think I'll really "pop" due to my stomach, but maybe that is the defining moment?
It's so weird, and I was so nervous I had to use my doppler to make sure she was okay. Heart beating strong, just... don't feel... pregnant. Not like I was. Is this the second trimester golden period? In early pregnancy this is a sign of a miscarriage, but I am wondering if we just moved her out of my pelvis?
I'm so confused. All the time!
I also had a few strange realizations:
- I truly don't believe I deserve happiness/good things (I know we already discussed that, but I am seeing it now very clearly.)
- I am terrified that if I get happy and lose this baby, I will look like a fool.
Some good things to work through. Now that I am recognizing these bad behaviours and thought patterns, I am addressing them as they come up, and I can already tell today is a better day for me. I am feeling stronger, more in control. I never want my pregnancy or children to 100% define me. I think that is the fatal mistake in women who have children and in 20 years realize they've completely lost themselves. I want to give everything to my children, yes, but I still want my husband, and me, to be a priority. I want to be important and take care of us and our relationship. So as we move forward, it's going to be finding footholds of strength and taking steps to make sure I am making good decisions for all the stakeholders in our lives (husband, me, baby).
I was also looking at Instagram accounts of fitness coaches last night. They are able to be pregnant and maintain their figure and workout regimen. It reminded me that this is a NATURAL process. And while my body is unnaturally obese, it still knows what to do (or is at least learning). Do I think the miscarriage was natural? No. I still fully believe there was something underlying it, and the aspirin/progesterone regime I put myself on this time allowed this pregnancy to progress. But now that my body has taken over, I am going to try to have faith in it. Be good to it. And treat myself cautiously, but with the respect I deserve. And the next time we go through this (hopefully in two years when we have a healthy child alive and part of our family) I will be in a different place mentally and physically.
I am getting excited to take the baby for walks and eventually jogs. I am going to get the jogger. I am excited for races and being fit and active. I know I'll never look like @chontelduncan or @sarahstage, but I can look like me in better health with a lower BMI. And that's the goal. And once I can get to a healthy place with food and body image, and have a successful pregnancy, than the fear of this process should be replaced with confidence.
Also, I'm not doctor, and I definitely wasn't "there" so to speak for any of these pregnancies and labors, but of my four friends who gave birth wtihin the last 6 months, all four of the women decided they wanted to do natural labor, no induction, no epidural. Of those four, three were induced and c-section. Only one gave birth as she originally wanted, and it was the one of the four who works out consistently and eats healthy foods daily. These women ranged on a scale from skinny to overweight with moderate exercise, but the one woman who did what she wanted with no complications was committed to fitness throughout her pregnancy, and I want to model the remainder of my time after her. I know I won't lose weight, but I have not gained a single pound yet, and I am so happy about that accomplishment.
SO anyways, onwards. And maybe I should rename my blog "Plus Size Pregnancy", because I'm telling you, from what I can tell, it's a very different ballgame.
-Emily
Okay, let's see what is going on today.
What I can only describe as a grapefruit stuck in my uterus being pulled downward is what I felt all weekend. Not painful, just REALLY weird, and made me have to pee. A lot. I am feeling it again today, and hoping that it's just stretching and growing. Saturday we went baby hunting, and we were able to find the heartbeat before it flipped us the bird and disappeared into the murky layers of fatness.
I tried again this morning to no avail, I think after laying on my back so long it gets far enough away that I can't find it. But I'm not letting that get me down. Even my OB could not find it with a doppler last week, so it's nothing to be worried about.
The brown spotting appears to have stopped after literally doing NOTHING (but a minor grocery shop Saturday morning) for the whole weekend. I watched season 6 of Dance Moms and got caught up on Jane the Virgin, and by Monday the brown gunk was gone. I am not sure if bedrest is helping ,or if not being stressed at work is helping, but the weekends are proving to be very important to relax and heal. (The stress at work is pretty insurmountable, I'm going to have to take a big step back and evaluate what the hell I am doing, because I am not sure if it's baby hormones, or just the sheer magnitude of my responsibility, but I am overwhelmed.)
Yesterday my nausea was back, but today not so much. And my nipples were little rings of fire, but that seems to have backed off too. With that, and the doppler not producing a heartbeat today I am trying to stay calm. I know those things cause anxiety, but the mixed missing symptoms are weird, too. I am going to assume that it's because I am 12.4 today, and very close to my 2nd trimester when stuff (apparently) gets better.
My doctor is still keeping me on a 4 week schedule, which I am not sure is the best move, but she really doesn't think there is a problem. So I go back early March. I had a nice little conversation with myself in the middle of the night where I agreed not to panic or freak out and call until next Wednesday. If the brown stuff is back, the thick green gunk comes back after I pick up walking again (which I plan on doing Saturday since the weather will be nice, and it will test if the antibacterial meds she gave me did the trick), waiting until Wednesday gives me 5 days post treatment. It also gets me past the milestone of when we lost our first pregnancy. And I'm not going to lie, that day encroaching makes me a complete wreck. If I could, I would just take off work from now until then and relax at a spa and try to get my mind off of it. Instead, my husband is in college full time and I have to work, so here I am, wearing business attire and dealing with stressful people. Such is life, I'm not complaining, just saying what I'd be doing if I was independently wealthy (I'd be sleeping right now).
So, with the rising anxiety levels I have taken two quarter days from work on the next two fridays to try and have a little ray of sunshine to look forward to. And I've also started trying to do my meditation program daily, it really does help! I find that doing it midday actually gives me the most relief. I've also consciously decided that I need to stop obsessing, so I've gotten out my animation/video editing equipment and will start trying to do some freelance/volunteer work.
I scheduled a second opinion appointment for February 29th, which I need to decide if I want to keep. My doctor has done nothing wrong, but I also feel like we're entering the second trimester and I still have a lot of questions, and sitting in her office, as much as I love it, is EXTREMELY stressful. My heartrate rises and I relive what happened last time every time. I've also been going by myself, which I think my add to that. I know I need to man up and get over it, but as my husband says, I think I have a form of PTSD that only angel mamas can understand in this setting. Anyways, they sent the paperwork, and I guess it can't hurt to go see him. I just don't want my regular OB to know, because it has nothing to do with her--I really do love working with her, and she is super helpful and wants this to be successful. So maybe I am answering my own questions here, and should cancel. We'll see.
Okay so -- I got some gummy Omega 3s because I realzied my Rainbow Lite Prenatals did not have DHA. The expensive fancy stuff apparently makes me puke, so that had to end a few weeks ago. I also got fiber gummies, because I will tell you, the struggle is real sometimes. I'm taking those, along with Prometrium and Flagyl for the infection.
I read on some boards that even the oral prometrium should be used vaginally. I want to do a little more research on this and talk to the pharmacy technician. Apparently doctors prescribe it orally, but it is better vaginally. I don't know what to think about that. My levels went up appropriately as-is, but I wonder if it would have helped the low levels in the beginning? something to investigate for sure.
I also am finding that I'm getting little teensy red spots on my body. I don't know if it's a reaction to the Flagyl, a reaction to milk -- which I had some of for the first time in 9 months Sunday - or a reaction to the Burts Bees Belly Butter I've been putting on my stomach. I really am a terrible scientist. I start a whole bunch of new things at once. When the baby gets here, we're going to have to be careful to not do that as we work on figuring out food allergies.
So, despite my anxiety and fear, I am letting myself start thinking about the possibility that we will have a tiny human in August. I was researching cloth diapers, and I think that is what we're going to do. I was reading the Cotton Babies page on Facebook last night, and apparently people recommend having 25-30 diapers per baby. We currently have 2, which means we'll need to get one a month for the next 9 months. I think that is a good shower gift, so maybe not that many, and we wouldn't use them immediately, because I think we'll be in a crazy fog the first three months. But yea, see? Positive, I am starting to be a LITTLE positive. And I'm always hopeful.
Tomorrow afternoon I will go do the Harmony testing, and we'll see how things rae progressing. Every day I don't gush bright red blood is a good day. And by this time last time I had been having pink spottting daily, and been in the ER once already.
So, deep breaths, lots of prayers, warm relaxing baths, and lots of rest. As we move forward into this crazy second trimester.
-Emily
