I am mean.
And bitter.
And upset.
And apathetic.
And seemingly cruel.
It hit me like a brick today, when one of my friends told me I was making everything out to be her fault. As if she had done something wrong.
I am so, so, so angry.
I am angry. I am FURIOUS. This is not fair. I should be wearing maternity clothes with a belly popping out with my 18 week old baby. And people are telling me about disputes between friends, and weather, and stuff that i JUST. DON'T. CARE. ABOUT. And I should, because that makes friendships. But I just can't. My heart is not into it. I can fake it for a while, but in the end, I am just so angry.
Maybe I do feel like these people did something wrong. They went on living normal, perfectly happy lives and did not experience our pain. And their memory is fading away, and I wake up and fall asleep with the pain, and knowledge, and memories.
It might be time to go see my anxiety counselor again, because I am dangerously teetering between truly healing and solving the problems in my life (money, weight, work ethic), and just spiraling into a little ball of crazy. I need to cut people some slack, and stop being so hard on myself, too. I am allowed to heal, still. I do not owe anyone anything. I need to step back again into my cocoon and continue to heal. Because as hopeful as I was, I am still not 100%. Not even close to 100%.
The question mark surrounding my uterus's functionality is also a roadblock to healing emotionally and physically. When you get pregnant, you never think about what could happen if it went wrong. The potential infertility, the loss, the gaping hole in your relationship with your partner. Well, it's all a possibility. And not something you should dwell on, but something you should be strong enough to work through. I was never strong enough, this is teaching me how to be.
And it hurts. It hurts so bad along the way. And I am so angry.
One positive thing did happen, though. I was able to get to the gym last night and do an hour long workout. It hurt, and I am sore, my tattoo was grumpy... but the last 15 minutes was left for running, and these two AMAZING men in my class ran back with me at my pace, encouraging me the whole way. I feel like I have another new outlet for love and family, and I am so glad that I went to that class. Because it is nice to know there are people who don't judge me for my broken uterus, or feel sorry for me, or hate me, they just want to support me, and I hope someday I can support them the same way.
That's all for now before I start crying.
-Emily.
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